My family hate vulnerability, is this normal.

[Redcolacan]

I’m struggling in my family. My mum is very much do not show vulnerability. My brother is very much the same. I have been dealing with something that I’m finding a bit difficult and there is no one in my family to go to. If I go to my mum she just says oh never mind and changes the subject. My brother has made a life for himself, he has a big house but he and his wife do not really seem that happy but you wouldn’t see this from the outside. My parents seem happy. They all appear to look very happy but absolutely none of them talk about any feelings whatsoever. Well unless they are positive or about money or something great. I feel like an alien in my family.

Is this normal?

'However, you can't change them, and the energy you spend trying to change them or wishing them to be different is wasted energy.'

This is very wise, and very true, but it's SO difficult and so painful getting to the point of acceptance. I'm still working on this with my family. I find them all very superficial and self involved, and very difficult to connect to. I have worked so hard and for so long to try to have a more meaningful relationship with my sister, but it's just not happening and now in perimenopause I just do not have the energy anymore.

I try to shift my focus to the people in my life who I can meaningfully connect with, and give them more of my time and energy. I keep my family at arm's length, and life is definitely getting more peaceful

You are entitled to your disappointment, and I hope you can surround yourself with other people who are there for you.

But part of the problem is that you're not matching your family's energy.
They aren't bothered by anything, including your problems and emotions. Yet here you are getting all bothered by their problems. Even to the extent that you're bothered by things they don't even perceive as problems.
If your brother doesn't care that he doesn't have friends, why on Earth are you getting worked up about it?

Matching energy means that you put into a relationship what you get out of it. It seems as though your family invests very little in you. And as long as you keep investing massive amounts of your energy in them, it's always going to feel like an injustice to you. But actually you have every right to decide to invest less, care less, be less involved. Then maybe the relationship won't feel so strained and disappointing anymore, because you're not putting in more than you're getting out of it.

I wish I had a better family. Why have kids to totally abandon them.

My mother's like this. Her nephew died unexpectedly in his 30s last week, and she's been on the phone to her brother (the bereaved dad) chatting about Wimbledon as though nothing's happened. She hasn't even sent the family a card. It just boggles my mind.

Any time anything sad happens to someone she knows, she will do everything in her power to change to subject or cheer the person up. Often her affect is angry or passive aggressive.

She can't cope with feeling helpless to fix other people's problems - so she gets angry at them for 'making' her feel inadequate.

It took a long time, but I have given up trying to go to anyone in my family when I need comforting, or just for someone to say 'I'm sorry mate, that sounds shit.' Because half the time that's all it takes.

Fortunately I have other people in my life who are able to manage this.

Sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

'Matching energy means that you put into a relationship what you get out of it. It seems as though your family invests very little in you. And as long as you keep investing massive amounts of your energy in them, it's always going to feel like an injustice to you. But actually you have every right to decide to invest less, care less, be less involved. Then maybe the relationship won't feel so strained and disappointing anymore, because you're not putting in more than you're getting out of it.'

I needed to read this and have found it very helpful, so thank you 👍

What is it you're looking for help and support with? You mention they have money, are you needing support with this?
If it's physical tasks, what sort?
If.you want a never ending sounding board, there's only so long they can do this.