Distant DP

[ForOpalQuail]

I feel like I’m losing my mind, I really need some insights.

DP has been really distant lately. Spending longer on his phone playing games, criticising me for small things, less affectionate generally and a massive reduction in how often we have sex.

Criticism:
⁃ Your handbag is so messy inside, you really need to get a grip
⁃ You’re so loud (when I’m playing with DD)
⁃ He’s stopped eating things I cook because he saw me put too much salt in some food I was making a few weeks ago and so wants to make his own (it was the same amount of salt as always)
⁃ You’re always tired, you let me down all the time because you want to rest
⁃ Why did you buy that for holiday? (A nice handbag) It’s ridiculous, now I have to buy something for myself to carry my phone in
⁃ You need to professionally get a leg wax because you don’t do it properly

writing it down it doesn’t feel like a lot but it really feels constant. When I say anything he says “you need to learn how to take criticism”

We’ve been having sex a lot less recently. I mentioned this a few weeks ago and he said “well YOU need to initiate more”. Fine.

Yesterday he stayed off work because he was tired. I went to work as usual, when I got back he said “I wanked all day today” and I said “must’ve been a busy day”. He said “are you jealous?”.

At night time he was falling asleep and I said it felt odd we weren’t having sex and he said that. He said “well I can’t remember the last time you were seductive”.

I Try and make him feel wanted all the time - kissing, cuddling, compliments. I try and look after myself and look nice.

a few weeks ago we were having sex everyday. Then nothing.

The seductive comment hurt. He said I just lie there and expect sex. I really don’t. But I feel like I don’t want to chase a man who’s not interested in me.

it was a shouting match, he said that if I wanted more sex I should do it. I explained that when DD goes to bed, he goes outside for an hour and a half, then wants to eat, then gets into bed around 11.30 when I’m knackered.

I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him, catering to him and I’m just background character.

I went to work as usual, when I got back he said “I wanked all day today”

What a charmer. Is this really the sort of person you want to spend your life with, never mind all the rest?

I Try and make him feel wanted all the time - kissing, cuddling, compliments. I try and look after myself and look nice.

Why? Why does he deserve your efforts? Genuine question, I'm not being snippy.

I recognise those behaviours. My ex was similar. You could do exactly what he asks of you and it still won't be right. You will never 'win', you'll never please him, he'll never be satisfied. Everything will always be your fault, especially his behaviours.

Your confusion benefits him. It's hard to see things clearly when you're with them, they keep your mind filled with so much shite you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is.

He will be setting you up to react, so that he can claim victimhood and be justified in calling you crazy. Watch out for that, especially in public so he will have witnesses. Learn the art of grey rock.

I'm sorry you're going through this

DP has been really distant lately. Spending longer on his phone playing games, criticising me for small things, less affectionate generally and a massive reduction in how often we have sex.

I didn't really need to read much more than this. He's cheating.

Living treading on eggshells is mentally abusive. He sounds like he is looking to blame you for how he feels. Maybe someone else and he's setting the scene.

He swears blind nothing has changed. He is always playing on his game, I can hear it when he sits with it in another room.

I didnt think about cheating. It seems unlikely as we spend all our time together. But of course he could be.

I just don’t know what he wants me to do anymore. I don’t understand things changing in a few weeks.

We’re going on holiday for 3 weeks Friday and I’m dreading it,

He is making life awful for you so that you'll end things with him. Then he can walk away & give you the blame for ending it. Bastard.

He's being abusive with constant criticism. Sounds like he's got the ick and now everything about you is wrong.

I'd say you need to sit down when DD is out of the house and have a firm open discussion before the holiday. Say you're not willing to go if he doesn't change his behaviour towards you - and mean it.

writing it down it doesn’t feel like a lot

It's enough.

When DD goes to bed he goes outside for an hour and a half, doing what, is he gardening, or going for a run, or just absenting himself?

Had a chat with my ex h when he was like this and was told it didn't feel like I was " on his team" . This from a man who was booking solo trips and having an affair. He made me feel like the biggest bitch in the world . Will be interesting to hear what he has to say when you tackle him about it .

He’s playing on his phone and smoking.

So familiar! My DH of 30 years has been acting the same way and last week he said he wants to separate.
I couldn't do anything right. Ever. I was always too loud. Constant criticism of everything I did. He had checked out. No other woman. He simply no longer loves me.

I am interested that you had a regular sex life. Ours had dwindled and I suggested counselling for this, but he refused. I also was paying compliments, iniating, looking after myself but apparently too little, too late.

You on the other hand appear to be doing everything right but your DH has still checked out. MEN.😡

I'm wondering whether he will use all of this as an excuse not to go on holiday with you.

He took a day off work to masturbate?

As someone said, his behaviour toward you sounds like he's got the ick and is punishing you for it. I can't imagine how you haven't got the ick about him though, he sounds absolutely fucking awful. He might not be having an affair other than with porn sites or whatever's on his phone (only fans etc?) but I'd suggest having a good think about whether he's what you want and if he's not, get your ducks in a row and leave him to his wanking over his phone.

Simply, you don't have to go on holiday or live with or stay with anyone who's decided to start being an arsehole towards you.

You are not married. That will make it easier to disentangle.I am inextricably entwined.

This isn't the case, marriage offers a legal contract and a framework to use to seperate. Cohabiting can be notoriously more complicated, depending on the situation.

Yes, you are right in a way. I have a solicitors appointment tomorrow.
But we have kids together. And a house. I will have to see him regularly.

Sorry for the segue, OP. But I had to comment as the constant criticism was so baffling for me. He used to be easygoing. Then endless carp carp carp about tiny things. And yes, he criticised my purse.

‘I wanked all day’, ‘Your handbag is a mess’, ‘you need to be more seductive’, ‘you need to wax your legs better’.
Doesn’t seem at all likeable, let alone lovable.
If you had just started dating and he was like this, would you not get the biggest ick, run a mile??

I’m another one who thinks he might be cheating.

my ex would deities me and pick fights, I think it made it easier for him, he could justify his affair in his own head by telling himself we were always arguing.

I also thought we were joined at the hip, what I didn’t realise is that he was booking days/half days off work to be with her. I thought he was working.

You don't have to go on holiday with him if you don't want to, or remain with someone who is constantly critical and dismissive of you.

Tell him you're about 95% done with his attitude of late and he either wants to pull it round and work with you to stay together, or he does not. See what he does, that will show you where his motivations lie. Actions are key, not words. Look at what he's doing, not what he's saying.

100% this.

Don't go on holiday with this twat. Go away by yourself.
Daily sex wow. Most men would be thrilled with this. If he's not, that is a red flag.

Could he be messaging someone during that time? Has he always gone outside for that length of time in the evenings, or has that changed as well?

Do you know the game he is playing? Does it have a messaging feature?

Personally I would be checking his phone to see the truth because going from daily sex to nothing is a huge red flag. Other option is just to say you are not putting up with the way he is treating you and you want to separate. Either he changes his tune or he accepts it without a fight and moves on. If he has someone else it doesn’t really matter if he’s being awful to you to justify it.

He's a nagging asshole who's criticizing and insulting you. He wants you to feel insecure and the negging he's doing is an attempt to control your behaviour, as in prove him wrong.

How long have you been with this loser? Why would you want to stay with a gamer who is controlling about your sex life yet announces he wanks all day?

Don't go on holiday with him.

He could be cheating. Having a smoke doesn't take an hour and a half. Calling out to work to wank all day is pretty sus.

He sounds disgusting.

I play alot of games and I see ALOT of EA on them, he's not criticising more likely comparing to someone. I'm really sorry to be harsh but he's justifying it in his head.

What you want to do is join his game 😁 make sure to find out what region / state ect I think it would be a brilliant opportunity to bond and reconnect😏