Do I have to go to my husbands nieces birthday vacation?

Jennytappin · 2025-07-14T14:19:19+00:00

We are in the middle of paying for a wedding in June. Everything is due now to do initial deposits, florals, co ordinator etc. it’s a very expensive time and we are also trying to buy a house. My husband is extremely stressed with money at the moment. his family put A LOT of pressure on him to be absolutely everywhere at every event. recently we have been asked to attend an air b&b weekend for his nieces 6th birthday. I just checked and it’s £1,000 a night!! Split only between 4 people. We have a trip booked to go and see our wedding venue the following weekend out of state as they are having an open day to select vendors. My husband is going to struggle to say no to this one. He feels pressure and this will absolutely be met with attitude when and if we say no. They have already recently told him he doesn’t help anyone just because he couldn’t look after one of their dogs because he works! any advice?

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 15:31

My goodness that's a crazy amount for a 6th birthday!

If you can't really afford it, have a lot things of your own to organise and don't really want to go then of course your future H should be saying no.

Tbh if his family put a lot of pressure on him and he generally bows to their demands it doesnt auger well for your married life. What you want as a couple will always take second place if he doesnt learn to say no.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/07/2025 15:36

If the nieces parents want a 1K night venue then they need to pay all of it, people are fucking crazy with what they expect from others these days.

Eric1964 · 14/07/2025 15:36

Seriously, the world has gone mad. Just say no. When I was a kid it was a bit of jelly and ice cream, a couple of games of pass the parcel and I was happy enough.

"That sounds lovely but we won't be coming."

Poonu · 14/07/2025 15:38

No.

Mmhmmn · 14/07/2025 15:41

Tbh if his family put a lot of pressure on him and he generally bows to their demands it doesnt auger well for your married life. What you want as a couple will always take second place if he doesnt learn to say no.

ALERT - 100% THIS. Please listen to this OP. You need to have a good talk to him about boundaries with his family. Unless he starts to say no to them and re-prioritise you're lining yourself up for a miserable existence as his wife.

Aligirlbear · 14/07/2025 15:44

No is the answer ! Politely decline the kind invitation but cite the fact you have lots going on so won’t be able to make it. Madness for the birthday of a 6 year old !

chattyness · 14/07/2025 15:45

just say no, you have wedding expenses, if they don't like it that's on them, just say no again it's easy to stand your ground without feeling guilty. Your own wedding is more important for you than a kids birthday. It's way over the top for a 6 year old anyway imo, What happened to a few pals rounds for a birthday tea with party games, Birthday cake & party bags to take home ?

Dery · 14/07/2025 15:46

That sounds like crazy money. Really they’re just after a subsidised holiday. 18 or 21, I could understand it a bit better, though still excessive. 6 is not a big deal.

Are your relatives very wealthy? We have some friends who are and who like a degree of luxury - they’re also extremely generous. For anything like that, they would pick up the whole cost of the accommodation.

It has to be no and your husband has to learn to stand up to his relatives.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/07/2025 15:47

"We'd love to come, but what with the wedding coming up, we can't afford it. Would love to see you for tea the following weekend and to give little Betty her birthday present. How about you come to us for 4pm on the Sunday for cake?"

arcticpandas · 14/07/2025 15:49

They are CF ! But an invite is just an invite and you can say no, we can't make it. Ofcourse they will be angry because then there are less people to share the location. Their problem, not yours.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 14/07/2025 15:51

Sorry we can't afford it hope dn has a lovely birthday.
Job absolutely done.

Foreverm0re · 14/07/2025 15:52

God no, I wouldn’t be paying that.

Original poster

Jennytappin · 14/07/2025 15:59

Mmhmmn · 14/07/2025 15:41

Tbh if his family put a lot of pressure on him and he generally bows to their demands it doesnt auger well for your married life. What you want as a couple will always take second place if he doesnt learn to say no.

ALERT - 100% THIS. Please listen to this OP. You need to have a good talk to him about boundaries with his family. Unless he starts to say no to them and re-prioritise you're lining yourself up for a miserable existence as his wife.

He tries too. He does stand up to them, but them double down on him. He has 2 sisters and a mom. The mum will call him up and say “xx is really upset you aren’t going” or things like that”you have always gone to this birthday, why aren’t you now”

with the dog thing, yes really, she said to him “you must never say no to your mother” word to word that’s what she said. I was stunned.

OP posts:

DPotter · 14/07/2025 15:59

I'm sorry Jennytapin you find yourself in this position.

Before you go any further with wedding arrangements and pay out any more money, I would be having a long, hard talk with your man about his relationship with his family and how it's going to need to change to accommodate his marriage to you. Unless he can absolutely convince you that he will put you and any future children front and centre in his life, I think you need to step away from the wedding and the relationship. And frankly I'm not sure someone in his position could say anything to re-assure me.

This will take a lot of emotional work on his part, best supported by a therapist, not just reading a few self improvement books. I say this because you say that despite being stressed about money, he will have problems saying no to his family. I could argue the money you are planning to spend on the wedding would be better spent on therapy for him to re-set the family boundaries.

Original poster

Jennytappin · 14/07/2025 16:02

Dery · 14/07/2025 15:46

That sounds like crazy money. Really they’re just after a subsidised holiday. 18 or 21, I could understand it a bit better, though still excessive. 6 is not a big deal.

Are your relatives very wealthy? We have some friends who are and who like a degree of luxury - they’re also extremely generous. For anything like that, they would pick up the whole cost of the accommodation.

It has to be no and your husband has to learn to stand up to his relatives.

Edited

He does try. I’m actually anxious and feel like a bad person for having to say no, like they are going to blame me 100%

OP posts:

spoonbillstretford · 14/07/2025 16:05

Christ no.

Original poster

Jennytappin · 14/07/2025 16:05

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 15:31

My goodness that's a crazy amount for a 6th birthday!

If you can't really afford it, have a lot things of your own to organise and don't really want to go then of course your future H should be saying no.

Tbh if his family put a lot of pressure on him and he generally bows to their demands it doesnt auger well for your married life. What you want as a couple will always take second place if he doesnt learn to say no.

You are right. I’m even now feeling anxious myself from the backlash of saying no. My husband will get phone calls and usually he changes his mind. They’ll play on the niece will want him there, and since he has been married he doesn’t go to all the events anymore. That’s when he will cave :( he does try.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 14/07/2025 16:13

I wouldn’t spend that to celebrate my own birthday or any of my children’s birthdays or dh’s or anything. Let alone expect someone to spend that simply to attend something I am hosting.

I think now is the time he needs to grow some balls and start saying no. It will not get easier. That said, if he really wants to go to the birthday and money is the issue, book a cheap hotel (£60) or a campsite (£20) and go for one night. Job done, they can like it or lump it. Though I think this is a really teachable moment to practice saying no.

DPotter · 14/07/2025 16:17

I'm confused on the timelines now -

My husband will get phone calls and usually he changes his mind. They’ll play on the niece will want him there, and since he has been married he doesn’t go to all the events anymore

Irrespective - the man needs therapy - long term probably

DrowningInSyrup · 14/07/2025 16:19

£1000 for an airbnb, per night for only a few people.....for a 6yr old's birthday? Absolutely not. Crazy talk. Have they just booked it and then expected you to fork out? CFs

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 16:25

Your husband needs to get a damn spine instead of of being a doormat and tell his ridiculous family no. They're batshit. If he continues to put them first, your marriage is likely doomed. That he would cave to simple emotional blackmail and fuck your finances would be the end for me.

£1000 a night for a 6 year old is either they're rich enough to pay your way or you're subsiding their party of the year on your backs.

What are they going to go, ground him? Yell at him? Shut down his router? Beat his ass? Attitude, sheesh. I would seriously get the ick and lose all respect for him.

What is this wedding you are paying for next year?

Whatpatternisthis · 14/07/2025 16:27

Are you married already? You speak of your upcoming wedding, but also say ‘my husband’ and ‘since he has been married…’
I’m confused.

If you can’t afford it you can’t go. Invite them for tea as a pp suggested.

redgingerbread · 14/07/2025 16:28

All very confusing. Whose wedding are you paying for? And where are you based - you talk about ‘vacations’ and ‘out of state’ but refer to prices in £…

Hatty65 · 14/07/2025 16:39

No. Agree with pp who said to simply say you have a lot on and can't make it.

If you get guilt calls from his mother or sister tell him to say, 'We're saving for a wedding and house and can't afford it. Please don't bring it up again. We are already up to our necks in things and won't be there'.

I also agree it's insane. Gotta be honest - I wouldn't be up for a free weekend away to celebrate a 6 year old's birthday. It's not my thing.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/07/2025 16:45

@Jennytappin have I missed something? are they expecting him to pay the whole of the air bnb bill?? do they not realise he is saving for a wedding? I would be taking the bull by the horns and telling them myself that no, we are not going to a 6th birthday party at that cost. we have other more important things to spend our money on!