Do I have to go to my husbands nieces birthday vacation?

[Jennytappin]

We are in the middle of paying for a wedding in June. Everything is due now to do initial deposits, florals, co ordinator etc. it’s a very expensive time and we are also trying to buy a house. My husband is extremely stressed with money at the moment.

his family put A LOT of pressure on him to be absolutely everywhere at every event.

recently we have been asked to attend an air b&b weekend for his nieces 6th birthday. I just checked and it’s £1,000 a night!! Split only between 4 people. We have a trip booked to go and see our wedding venue the following weekend out of state as they are having an open day to select vendors.

My husband is going to struggle to say no to this one. He feels pressure and this will absolutely be met with attitude when and if we say no. They have already recently told him he doesn’t help anyone just because he couldn’t look after one of their dogs because he works!

any advice?

I would find it very difficult to be married to someone who acted like that, are you sure you want to go ahead with a wedding to someone who can't stand up for himself. As an adult he should be able to make his own mind up on whether he attends functions. Is he weak in other areas?

Do you have children together?

My husband is going to struggle to say no
This is a huge problem. You keep saying "he does try" but he caves when they pester him. They're bullying him, frankly, and he's accepting it, and it's even making you feel guilty for not going along with their absurd demands.

He needs to learn to say no and keep saying it, and to recognise and ignore emotional blackmail. He'll probably need counselling to enable this. If he doesn't get to grips with his weakness, this will be your married life and it will be hell. Your life will revolve around his family's wants, and he'll never, ever stand up for you.

That is crazy. And no you don’t know need to go.

18th or 21st maybe. 6th - what a joke.

It's very unusual for uncles and aunts to go to a kid's 6th birthday at all, but costing this much? Absolutely no! Your partner needs to grow a backbone and, if he won't, I'd be thinking twice about marrying him. Your relationship is way, way more important than his extended family.

It's expensive for a birthday party but also you are spending so much on a wedding that is clearly a stretch for you and causing stress. Getting married should be something that you look forward to, not a strain.

I think you need a conversation about the future, financial planning and family priorities. I absolutely would not marry a man who was ruled by his mother. He is not mature enough for the commitment of marriage.

Well he isn't trying hard enough is he?
OP he will NEVER put you first, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of doing whatever his family wants because he can't say no

DON'T

GET

MARRIED

Walk away, leave him to them and don't look back.

Say no! I was in your situation and we were also constantly expected to go to and participate in every event with DH's family, say no Op. Trust me nobody will remember this vacation or who could and couldn't come as much as they're making out they will in these planning stages. It's out of order for anyone to think anything other than 'okay' when you say you can't afford it. Let me guess, your expensive wedding is also expensive because dh's family expect certain people to receive an invite? If so they need to take accountability for WHY you're skint right now.

Ah sorry babe! We can't do that day, but please send us some photos xx

He needs be doing more than 'trying' before you marry him!

What do I do if he starts saying we can’t afford afford it, when I know how stressed he is with money. Or another thing he’s started to consider is if the sister says don’t worry about paying, which I see highly unlikely as it’s 2,000 for 2 nights!

Do you mean if he says you can't afford the holiday? If so you agree with him and don't enter into any further discussion

You seem to be making things more difficult than they need to be

Get this nipped in the bud now, especially before you have your own children and you are expected to be here there and everywhere at Her Majesty’s whim. Say no to the party, say there’s a clash with pre wedding meetings etc. Have the parents and little one to your house to hear all about it.

Sorry I meant to say if he says we can afford it, when I know we can’t. @cyvguhb

Do you want this wedding? Who is this wedding for? Is this wedding for one of his family?

Do you want to live in a rental the rest of your married life?

Do you want children?

Do you want to spend any extra money the two of you ever manage to have on his family stuff instead of of providing a home and saving for education and retirement?

This guy is going to keep you broke and slave to his family stuff because he is placating them. He'll spend money you earmark for your kids on his family stuff.

I'd refuse to go and be walking if he decides to go. There is no way you can spend so wantonly on a frivolous and frankly stupid party for a 6 year old and have things like a house and a family. I'd let him know that too.

He's financially ignorant and too tied to his family to prioritize anything you want.

Say flatly, 'We can't. And I don't want to. I don't choose to spend that kind of daft money attending a 6 year old's party. If we're that flush with money let's upgrade the kitchen in our house a bit. I'm not arguing about this - I'm not going'.

If he does that DO NOT marry that man!

He needs to grow a backbone. Sorry, I’d be having second thoughts about marrying him. He needs to put a stop to this now.

Sorry but we are paying for the wedding and really can’t afford another weekend away. Hope you all have a lovely time.

He does not need to feel guilty. It’s the parent’s choice of selecting an expensive venue for their child’s bday. Had they had a small tea party at home like most, he would be there. No reasonable person selects a venue costing £1000 a night then has a go at people who can’t afford it.

Very confused by this thread!

You keep referring to ‘your husband’ and say that ‘since he’s been married’.

But then talk about paying for a wedding next June.

??? 🤯

If he’s your husband already, who’s wedding are you paying for?

Also, as someone else has already asked…’vacation’ and ‘out of state’ don’t compute with ‘£s’. In the UK we wouldn’t use the terms ‘vacation’ or ‘out of state’.

None of this adds up to me…I’m calling bullshit.

Sorry OP but the fact that they pile on the pressure means saying no is even more important. He just needs to stay steady. No I cant dog sit, I’m working. No we can’t manage the birthday weekend. No, I can’t promise always to say yes to Mum. Get him to practice with you - ask him for ridiculous favours and make him laugh about saying No.

You woman up and say Come on DH you know we can’t afford it and if you carry on being such a wimp I’ll be getting serious doubts about marrying you.