Help! Am I awful for wanting my DP to lose weight??

[NotAChubbyChaser]

Hello Mumsnet!

Very long time user, but have name changed for this in case it's outing.

Let me start by saying I LOVE my DP, he truly is the love of my life and an incredible man. We've been together 4 years, plan to marry in 2027, and have been in each other's lives 9 years.
He's never been a skinny man which is good as skinny isn't for me! But over the course of our relationship he has put weight on, going from XL clothes sizes to XXL - and now some of them are tight on him even.

I don't care what he looks like, I would love him in any shape or size, but with this weight gain has come further issues with snoring. Now he snores from the second he falls asleep, keeping me awake. Eventually he will move into the spare room, but then he keeps me awake as I hear his snoring through the wall! I've tried earplugs, sleep headphones, white noise - I just hear him over anything I have in and on. We've tried endless different solutions but nothing helps and yesterday I asked him what we're going to do about it as I don't want to spend the rest of my life kept awake by him snoring.
I function so badly on no sleep, I work full time as a manager for a large team, plus in a bar at the weekends (extra income for the wedding) so I need to be able to sleep on a night otherwise I am like a zombie for the next day.

When I asked him yesterday what we could do, he said he'd 'try get a doctors appointment when he has some time off in September'. I said I can't just not sleep until September, and that if I am being honest all his GP will say is he needs to lose weight. I hate bringing up weight having suffered from an eating disorder myself on and off throughout my life, but I don't want him to just keep getting bigger and bigger and facing the health issues that come alongside that.

I tried to be sensitive, I've told him I love him in any shape but I care about his health and I want him around as long as possible. I also miss sleeping in the same bed, not dreading bedtime and laying there tense waiting for the snoring to start. I said I want to help him, we can change our eating habits together and I will exercise with him (I am already quite active, regularly out on my bike, I go to the gym and I walk every day).

I can tell I've offended him by bringing it up, which upsets me as it's the last thing I wanted and I tried to be sensitive but realistic. I know the only real thing that will improve his snoring is losing weight. When we discuss wedding plans he says he wants to lose some weight, wants to shift his belly. We want children after the wedding (he already has one DS from his previous relationship) and he says he wants to be fit enough to run round with them and keep up - there's a bit of an age difference so he will be 38 / 39 when we hopefully have a baby.

I don't know what I am even asking here - has anyone dealt with something similar, how did you support your partner / approach the subject? What worked for your DP for weight loss?

And yet another selfish idiot who won't go to see their GP, despite the effect on everyone around them. I swear these men must think their knob is going to fall off the moment they set foot in a doctor's surgery.

No, you're not awful. Being kept awake by snoring is torturous.

No you're not awful imo at all.

And I think because you're not a bloke talking about his wife's weight, the majority of MNetters won't consider you awful either.

I don't know what his problem is with going to the doctors but I feel like I must have brought it up monthly for a while. Last month, he rang and they said he needs to ring on the day for an appointment, meaning he'll need to book a day off work and ring to try get an appointment and so that was that. But he will 'try' when his September time off rolls round 😞

How does he respond when you tell him you can't sleep and how miserable it's making you? Just a shrug of the shoulders?

Bang on.

You read so often on here about men refusing to see the doctor.

That's not acceptable, really - it's not even mid July yet.

As someone who has suffered with weight issues all my life I find the tone of your post awful and frankly rude.
I have now lost over 10 stone and I never not did it because was a selfish idiot or I thought my know would fall off if I set foot in a doctors
I was in denial and even though I knew I was really really fat and my health was suffering I could just never get in the mindset of wanting to do anything, it is much more of a complex issue than you clearly realise
Please don't be so judgmental

Anyway OP, no I don't think you're being awful, you are obviously worried about his health and that's a good thing. Weight is something that can creep up, I hope you can get him to listen to you.

No you're not awful at all - but what I've learned from experience is that people who are addicted to food (or smoking or alcohol or whatever) won't do anything unless they want to. DH's weight has gone up and down over the years - he's now in his 60s, has T2 diabetes and high blood pressure. I love him dearly too, but he just kicked all these issues down the road when he was younger with excuse after excuse - I tried many different approaches, but he only lost weight when he decided it was time. It's difficult not to feel a level of frustration if I'm being honest.

I think you're projecting there, rather. My comment had nothing to do with weight, which I didn't mention or even allude to. I'm just fed up of reading about men who have health issues but who refuse to seek medical help even when it causes significant worry and inconvenience to those around them.

He seems sympathetic and apologises, says he’ll get it sorted….but then just doesn’t!

He very much seems to be expecting it to just happen…he says “I know we’ll sort it” and “I know I could do with losing a bit” but then doesn’t make any changes in terms of diet and activity, so I’m not sure how exactly he expects to sort it…

can he at least get a cpap machine? losing weight is hard and he wants to do it, but you need to be able to sleep

I tried this, around 2 years ago now he was sent home with some monitoring equipment to sleep in to see if he needed a CPAP but he was too uncomfortable to sleep all wired up so we dropped the kit off the next day and heard nothing since. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall resigning the rest of my life to being kept awake by snoring.

What does he want his GP to do?! He’ll just tell him to lose weight.
To answer your question, no you’re not awful.

You’re not being unreasonable. DH is a massive snorer, always has snored but got more and more extreme since he’s got bigger and bigger. I’ve used my phone the other day, it’s 75 decibel. When going on holiday I’ve always have to book two hotel rooms or two-bed houses. He’s got MH issues and sleeps most of the day, I’m wfh and it’s driving me nuts (we don’t have a hallway making it worse).
He finally(!) mentioned it to the GP now. After years. They have really restricted who they refer but he’s made the cut. Incidentally GP hasn’t said anything about losing weight (he’s XXXL and some brands don’t fit even). Waiting list seems long so no idea when he gets seen. Mind you, he’s already said he’s not going to use a CPAP machine so not sure what the point is.
I feel for you, I really do - I went away on holiday on my own for a week and slept like a baby.

@nahthatsnotformehe agrees they’ll ask him to lose weight, but I think there’s also potential sleep apnea there which is where the GP comes in!

Good idea about checking the decibels of the snoring - I’ll try that tonight to back me up a bit more! Interesting the GP hasn’t said anything about his weight, I think that’s the first thing that will be mentioned with my DP which is why I’ve tried to raise it myself in a supportive way - but not really getting anywhere.

I hear you about the holiday - I find myself internally jumping for joy when DP says he’s working away for a couple of nights and boom I’m sleeping 12 hours a night trying to catch up!! 🤣

I think you need to accept the possibility that he may not lose any weight or may even get bigger before you marry or have a child and make decisions on that. You can’t marry him based on a hypothetical future. He was already a big guy and sadly many people continue to get bigger as they get older.

I think that you're talking about me!!

5 years ago having been caring for 2 parents & a MIL who all had dementia & in 3 different care homes, died within 10 months during between July 2020- & February 2021, I was also working full-time in a very stressful job,

DH had a seizure which meant he wasn't able to drive so it all fell on me. I lost a pile of weight & was a size 4 (possibly less) by the end of 2021. Since then I've put on weight & am now a size 12/14 which is far too heavy for my 5'0 frame. DH told me this morning that I woke him up 5 times last night - twice with my snoring & 3 times with me talking/shouting & lashing out in my sleep. I suffer from PTSD after a serious car accident which does affect my sleep & I have very vivid dreams when I'm trapped in a burning car - which I was & had to be cut out by the fire service. Apparently my heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital & I had life-changing injuries, talking burns, a serious spinal fracture which affects my mobility & other injuries which has left me looking like the woman who survived 'death of a thousand cuts' as well as burns to my face & hands.

I can't do anything about the dreams, but the snoring really bothers me as it's a result of me being fat.

I have been using a CPAP since 2013 for sleep apnoea. I am overweight but my SA is also caused by physiology - I have a large tongue and narrow throat. I can definitively tell you that it is not possible to become acclimatised to CPAP in one or two nights. It takes at least 2-4 weeks. But once you get through, a CPAP is a LIFE-CHANGER and mine made so much difference to my husband's sleep, that he went to his own GP and got referred to a sleep clinic.

We both have great sleep now, even though we have both lost weight and then put it back on.

Cpap was too uncomfortable for him to sleep with for just one night but it’s fine for him to make you too uncomfortable to sleep for years?

id point that out to him and if he can’t see the inequality and start making changes I’d be considering if I wanted to stay with him tbh. This is about more than weight/snoring it’s about his disregard for the effects on your life.

you say you work weekends to save for the wedding. Is he working extra too? Is he doing his share of housework? Before marrying him if consider how he treats you overall being loving and funny etc doesn’t make up for inequality.

I will make one final comment on weight. I know it’s not socially acceptable to criticise those who are overweight but as a child of an obese parent I have my two pennies to add to that. My parent was too overweight to play with us or walk far. Tired. Moaning about their joints. Snoring kept me awake in the other room. Now I’m an adult they have a few health issues exasebated by being overweight that I’m expected to support with while I have small children myself. Also in a twisted way my parent tried to keep me from getting overweight by commenting on my weight saying I was getting fat when I hit puberty. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food because of it yo-yo from overweight to underweight. This won’t just affect you this will affect the children you potentially may have.

Google for Epworth Sleepiness Scale and have a look at the questions - not sure if there are differences in health trusts, but the result was the only thing they seemed to base a referral to the sleep clinic on. They didn’t seem to care about me saying he stops breathing for 20 - 30 seconds at a time.

Nothing worse than being kept awake by snoring. He needs to go to the doctors and get monitored for sleep apnea, my husband did and the machine has been a godsend.

Oh god I feel your pain. We were both overweight for a long time but DHs snoring was a nightmare, worse when he had been drinking (I think alcohol softens the palette or something?). Now he has lost weight he so rarely snores...no more laying awake with the decible meter app open! It's really hard to address it as a weight issue, maybe push it more from the angle of they must be also having a shit night sleep waking themselves up with the grunting and stuttered breathing? I know there would be a MN pile on if a bloke said his wife was overweight and he didn't fancy her but we aren't talking about that here...my hubby's snoring had such a detrimental affect on my health and wellbeing - I didn't love him (or fancy him) any less.

To me this isn’t really about weight, it’s that he is doing something detrimental to her health (sleep deprivation from his snoring) and not doing anything about it. I would be getting the ick very quickly at this point.