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Original poster

Help! Am I awful for wanting my DP to lose weight??

36 replies

NotAChubbyChaser · 14/07/2025 13:02

Hello Mumsnet!

Very long time user, but have name changed for this in case it's outing.

Let me start by saying I LOVE my DP, he truly is the love of my life and an incredible man. We've been together 4 years, plan to marry in 2027, and have been in each other's lives 9 years.
He's never been a skinny man which is good as skinny isn't for me! But over the course of our relationship he has put weight on, going from XL clothes sizes to XXL - and now some of them are tight on him even.

I don't care what he looks like, I would love him in any shape or size, but with this weight gain has come further issues with snoring. Now he snores from the second he falls asleep, keeping me awake. Eventually he will move into the spare room, but then he keeps me awake as I hear his snoring through the wall! I've tried earplugs, sleep headphones, white noise - I just hear him over anything I have in and on. We've tried endless different solutions but nothing helps and yesterday I asked him what we're going to do about it as I don't want to spend the rest of my life kept awake by him snoring.
I function so badly on no sleep, I work full time as a manager for a large team, plus in a bar at the weekends (extra income for the wedding) so I need to be able to sleep on a night otherwise I am like a zombie for the next day.

When I asked him yesterday what we could do, he said he'd 'try get a doctors appointment when he has some time off in September'. I said I can't just not sleep until September, and that if I am being honest all his GP will say is he needs to lose weight. I hate bringing up weight having suffered from an eating disorder myself on and off throughout my life, but I don't want him to just keep getting bigger and bigger and facing the health issues that come alongside that.

I tried to be sensitive, I've told him I love him in any shape but I care about his health and I want him around as long as possible. I also miss sleeping in the same bed, not dreading bedtime and laying there tense waiting for the snoring to start. I said I want to help him, we can change our eating habits together and I will exercise with him (I am already quite active, regularly out on my bike, I go to the gym and I walk every day).

I can tell I've offended him by bringing it up, which upsets me as it's the last thing I wanted and I tried to be sensitive but realistic. I know the only real thing that will improve his snoring is losing weight. When we discuss wedding plans he says he wants to lose some weight, wants to shift his belly. We want children after the wedding (he already has one DS from his previous relationship) and he says he wants to be fit enough to run round with them and keep up - there's a bit of an age difference so he will be 38 / 39 when we hopefully have a baby.

I don't know what I am even asking here - has anyone dealt with something similar, how did you support your partner / approach the subject? What worked for your DP for weight loss?

OP posts:

AbsoluteBeginner1 · 15/07/2025 07:11

I didnt realise snoring was linked to weight! Another reason for me to lose weight!

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 08:49

Hallywally · 14/07/2025 20:27

I think you need to accept the possibility that he may not lose any weight or may even get bigger before you marry or have a child and make decisions on that. You can’t marry him based on a hypothetical future. He was already a big guy and sadly many people continue to get bigger as they get older.

I understand this completely, but as I said I will love him whatever size or shape he is and his weight is not ever something that would make me question a future with him - even if that future is sleeping in two different bedrooms for the rest of our lives lol! I want to support him in making changes though and believe he can do it, it's just finding the right balance between supportive and encouraging, and moaning for me I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 08:51

Notateacheranymore · 14/07/2025 20:56

I have been using a CPAP since 2013 for sleep apnoea. I am overweight but my SA is also caused by physiology - I have a large tongue and narrow throat. I can definitively tell you that it is not possible to become acclimatised to CPAP in one or two nights. It takes at least 2-4 weeks. But once you get through, a CPAP is a LIFE-CHANGER and mine made so much difference to my husband's sleep, that he went to his own GP and got referred to a sleep clinic.

We both have great sleep now, even though we have both lost weight and then put it back on.

This gives me hope! In fairness it wasn't a CPAP machine he was sent home with to try, but finger and toe clip things (I think pulse checkers? I do not know the right medical jargon here) and tubes that went up his nose, round his neck and down to a pack strapped round his stomach. I think this was to track his breathing and pulse etc to understand whether there is the need of a CPAP, but we never got as far as testing an actual CPAP which is a shame!

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 08:56

Burntt · 14/07/2025 21:01

Cpap was too uncomfortable for him to sleep with for just one night but it’s fine for him to make you too uncomfortable to sleep for years?

id point that out to him and if he can’t see the inequality and start making changes I’d be considering if I wanted to stay with him tbh. This is about more than weight/snoring it’s about his disregard for the effects on your life.

you say you work weekends to save for the wedding. Is he working extra too? Is he doing his share of housework? Before marrying him if consider how he treats you overall being loving and funny etc doesn’t make up for inequality.

I will make one final comment on weight. I know it’s not socially acceptable to criticise those who are overweight but as a child of an obese parent I have my two pennies to add to that. My parent was too overweight to play with us or walk far. Tired. Moaning about their joints. Snoring kept me awake in the other room. Now I’m an adult they have a few health issues exasebated by being overweight that I’m expected to support with while I have small children myself. Also in a twisted way my parent tried to keep me from getting overweight by commenting on my weight saying I was getting fat when I hit puberty. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food because of it yo-yo from overweight to underweight. This won’t just affect you this will affect the children you potentially may have.

It wasn't a CPAP he tested, I just explained above - I should have been clearer with that. It seemed to be the pre-step to deciding if there is a need for the CPAP.

He does acknowledge the impact on my sleep and he's the first to get up and go sleep in the spare room (or the sofa in the past) and apologises the next day, it is just so incredibly frustrating at the time which I think everyone can agree with!

He does work extra yes, he is currently working 14 hour days throughout the week, no extra work on weekends as we have his son and I wouldn't want him to miss that time with us. I can't undertake overtime in my day job which is why I have the extra job on the weekends, but my DP has paid more towards the wedding than I through his overtime and long days - there are no concerns about equality or the fair share with us, DP does more housework, all the cooking and treats me like an absolute queen - I am very lucky in that regard!

Thank you for sharing your experience with your parents, I am going to bring up to DP about the potential impact on any future children we may be lucky to have as I know he is so keen for us to have a child together, and this is something that is incredibly important to consider.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 08:59

CleverMintHedgehog · 14/07/2025 22:13

Google for Epworth Sleepiness Scale and have a look at the questions - not sure if there are differences in health trusts, but the result was the only thing they seemed to base a referral to the sleep clinic on. They didn’t seem to care about me saying he stops breathing for 20 - 30 seconds at a time.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for this - we've chatted about symptoms in the past and I have pointed out that my DP never feels refreshed or as if he slept well regardless of the amount of sleep he has which isn't normal. He definitely has a habit of falling asleep in front of the sofa on a night - but my biggest concerns is I hear him in the night (once the snoring has woken me up) and he will stop breathing then gasp / choke and start snoring again. It just sounds so unhealthy!

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 09:01

TitsInAbsentia · 14/07/2025 22:22

Oh god I feel your pain. We were both overweight for a long time but DHs snoring was a nightmare, worse when he had been drinking (I think alcohol softens the palette or something?). Now he has lost weight he so rarely snores...no more laying awake with the decible meter app open! It's really hard to address it as a weight issue, maybe push it more from the angle of they must be also having a shit night sleep waking themselves up with the grunting and stuttered breathing? I know there would be a MN pile on if a bloke said his wife was overweight and he didn't fancy her but we aren't talking about that here...my hubby's snoring had such a detrimental affect on my health and wellbeing - I didn't love him (or fancy him) any less.

Luckily my DP doesn't really drink so I haven't experienced the alcohol induced snoring but I can just imagine!

Thank you for this, genuinely. I think it's hard because weight is an obvious thing contributing to the snoring but the last thing I want to do is offend him or make him think I care about how he looks, because that's not it at all. I fancy him to the ends of the earth and more, and I want him to be as healthy as he can be for us to enjoy as much of our lives together as we can.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 09:05

Twilightstarbright · 15/07/2025 06:36

To me this isn’t really about weight, it’s that he is doing something detrimental to her health (sleep deprivation from his snoring) and not doing anything about it. I would be getting the ick very quickly at this point.

Oh dear, this is not the impression I wanted to give. Sleep deprivation is quite strong - I do sleep, I would just love to be able to sleep in the same bed as DP without waking up through the night! No ick here from me, I love DP and our relationship, and I'd love him even more if he didn't snore 😂

OP posts:

Mischance · 15/07/2025 09:14

It's hard. There are a lot of women on.here who struggle either their weight. Maybe they could tell us what it feels like when their partner brings up the subject and what approaches are most helpful.

Could you both go on a health kick together? Cook healthy stuff, go jogging together? A sort if joint venture?

Snoken · 15/07/2025 09:57

NotAChubbyChaser · 15/07/2025 09:05

Show quote history

The problem is that the love and acceptance you feel towards your DP at this stage in your relationship will wear off and you will start to feel resentment towards him. I don't know any woman who has had to share a bed with a snorer for many years who doesn't get the absolute rage when they are being kept up night after night. This will become especially bad when you have children who are also waking you up. If you want to have children with him he needs to first get his weight and snoring under control. Once you have kids you owe it to them to be the best and most considerate person and not someone who is happy to keep their mother from sleeping and who is too unfit to be active with the kids.

SirChenjins · 15/07/2025 11:05

I agree with this @Snoken - when you watch someone eat themselves into poor health and all that brings for many years then it's frustrating - and when you can't sleep in the same bed because the snoring has become so bad it makes the bed shake and it can be heard in the street outside (I kid you not), and that person still refuses to do anything about it then yes, the resentment creeps in.

LegoTherapy · 15/07/2025 12:34

Add lack of sleep from a baby to this mx and you’ll be ordering a new patio. Love does not conquer all. You sound like you are looking at him through rose tinted glasses. You love him but his love for you doesn’t extend to sorting out his health. My ex dropped dead a year ago at 51. His snoring due to weight was one of the reasons I ended the relationship. He would stop breathing in the night and I was terrified I’d wake up after the 2 hours sleep I got to find him dead. He did nothing about his health in the years since. Our son was 9 when he died from a massive heart attack. I would think very carefully about what you want for your future and that of your potential children.

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