So confused - emotional abuse?

[SpiderOnTheFloor]

My husband told me I am abusive. That it's an accumulation of things said to him in ways that make him feel criticised.

Here are some examples of things he says I have done that are abusive:

The other day, I expressed surprised at how expensive our weekly shop was - over £100 more than normal. I asked if he had a receipt (no), I asked if there could have been a mistake at the till. I asked if he bought anything extra I hadn't put on the list when doing the meal plan and shopping list (only some yogurts). This was interrogation and unreasonable criticism, I am told.

The next day, I wondered out loud as to where all the cheese had gone and why the prawns were open, and also was surprised that all the ham was finished. He said he had 'barely had any' and then started listing loudly how many pieces were in each pack and how much of it he thought I had consumed at breakfast.

I, with a little jest, said 'I don't believe a word' (he has form for lying) and before I could finish my sentence he had stormed off out of the house in front of the children.

Later that day he returned, did not acknowledge me, and then left the house again without mention, and was gone for a couple of hours.

I found this upsetting, as I didn't know what was going on, was home alone with our two children (both disabled, one of whom cannot be left unsupervised for even a second), with no idea when he might return. I had not had a chance yet that day to shower or dress and had shared that morning how tired I was feeling after several nights poor sleep.

When he returned, after some time of being ignored, I asked him if we could talk about what was happening. I explained I was feeling upset because of his leaving suddenly without explanation, particularly as we have an agreement set previously during family therapy we did with our older teen, that if one of us ever needs to cool off we do each other the courtesy of saying that's what we're doing, agree when we will be back and agree to talk on return.

After listening to what I had said, he basically said he disagreed with that agreement and said he was going upstairs for a while.

Come evening, further ignoring continuing, my teen asks us to 'just sort it out'. I explain again what was upsetting for me and ask him to share what was going on for him.

That's when he unleashed with the accusations of abuse. He said I'm abusive, and it's been an accumulation over 2-3 months. I asked for some examples to help me understand but he couldn't recall any, just asking me to 'be nicer'. Throughout the conversation he seemed impatient and short, and his tone was aggressive.

I was horrified he felt this way and really really upset by the accusation. We talked for a while but he said he didn't really want to talk about it, he hates conversations like this, he grew up in a house where his parents fought all the time, and actually he just wanted to go to bed.

I told him how confusing this felt to me, how I want to understand, and how everything has been so normal and happy at home I had absolutely no idea he was upset about anything until this explosion when I was telling him how sad I was about the walking out.

My head is all over the place today from the deflection and escalation that happened in last night's conversation. This isn't the first time.

I am also feeling deeply ashamed if I have been abusive, unwittingly. I am wondering also if some of the things I point out - that we've agreed on, but he does not do consistently - like keeping the kitchen decent, making sure we put meetings in the calendar etc - are coming across as 'abusive'? He doesn't react well when I mention them.

For context, I am autistic, I work full time, have two disabled children one of whom is home educated and whom we have been through a hellish few years with, I'm exhausted most of the time and probably am a little sharp sometimes. But I never raise my voice, swear, shout, call him names. I wouldn't dream of it and would not want to make him feel unloved or small.

Am I the asshole?

Sorry this is long, I am just so confused and tired.

Sounds a lot like he's reacting defensively for some reason. In my experience with that sort of reaction, he's done or is doing something wrong and shifting focus onto you.

I’d be very surprised if he wasn’t hiding something. Being so edgy over any questions and then throwing out accusations, but being unwilling to actually communicate, is suspicious.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your home and family, everybody deals with that differently and when you’re already feeling stressed it doesn’t take much to feel picked at.

The shopping example, if my husband was saying that to me when I was already run down, a lot on my plate, it probably would feel like he was blaming me or accusing me of something if the shop was more expensive than usual.

The food example, presumably unless you think you have mice then you know exactly where the cheese etc has gone, so you’re accusing him of eating it. Why not just say that? It’s a communication thing and it is a really small thing which personally wouldn’t bother me but I can see where if things are already stressful it could feel a much bigger deal than it is.

It sounds like it would be worth a proper chat to be honest because whatever has been previously agreed isn’t working for everyone so something else needs to be decided.

I am wary of suggesting a chat. It is difficult to talk meaningfully - he really doesn't ever want to do it and can't seemingly cope with it.

I think you were unreasonable about the food and being questioned like that would drive me mad. His storming out and not speaking to you is really childish. You clearly have a lot of issues in your marriage and your children are also aware or they wouldn’t be asking you to sort it out. You say things are happy but then also that you’re often “sharp” those things don’t add up.

I can understand that OP but I think it’s clear that somewhere along the way you’ve ended up on different pages here and without a chat that will remain the same

I said I ‘probably am a little sharp sometimes’ really because I’m trying to make sense of why he might feel this way. And because I am aware autistic people can come across like this. I don’t actually know if I am, for certain. And he hasn’t mentioned it, until this big explosion.

I’m not sure how to approach him about it without getting another explosion or him storming out. As this is generally what happens. Or he falls asleep mid conversation.

Sounds like DARVO to me - it’s projection on his part.

He doesn’t like being questioned so he is deliberately trying to twist the narrative that you are abusive, so you walk on eggshells and never dare ask him any questions. He is training you to accept and fear his response and punishments to any questions you may have as he refuses to be accountable.

I was surprised at the huge bill, £100 more than usual. I do the meal planning and shopping list writing so I was trying to understand why this week was so different.

When I saw the transaction go through on the banking app I couldn’t believe it and thought he may have seen a good deal on something we might want in bulk (can’t think what), or that there had been a mistake.

I’m not familiar with DARVO?

DARVO is a manipulative tactic used by perpetrators to deflect blame and responsibility in situations of wrongdoing, particularly in cases of abuse. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Essentially, the perpetrator denies the accusations, attacks the accuser's credibility, and then portrays themselves as the victim.

Ahhh thank you. It sounds familiar 😞

I’m so exhausted by trying to communicate with him. Over the years it has got harder and harder.

That, and he finds a way to sabotage almost every attempt I make at raising my earnings or trying to improve my health and wellbeing. Usually by filling the calendar with other things that he decides take precedence, but without prior discussion.

I just feel crushed. So perhaps I am becoming an asshole as a result. But abusive? I don’t think so although I am questioning everything about myself right now.

You wanted to go over the grocery receipt with him because he spent more than you thought he should.

You asked him multiple questions about the grocery shop.

Someone ate cheese and ham and opened something, he tried to tell you the amount in each pack and you accused him of lying.

That is extremely controlling. You wanted to check the receipt and yes, you interrogated him about it. You check on food and accuse him of lying. Then you insist on sorting it out when he is still furious.

Yes, critical and controlling can be emotional abuse.

I think if the genders were reversed and the husband was interrogating his wife about a grocery shop and wanting to examine the receipt and calling his wife a liar and insisting on discussing arguments on his timeframe, he'd be called emotionally abusive and possibly financially, depending how finances are managed.

Ok thank you.

I have laid out my worst behaviour here and did want honest opinions, so while it’s brutal to realise, I appreciate I need to take a long hard look at myself.

"he finds a way to sabotage almost every attempt I make at raising my earnings or trying to improve my health and wellbeing. Usually by filling the calendar with other things that he decides take precedence, but without prior discussion."

And he is wrong here. There should be discussion of events.

Are you both working? What are your plans to raise your earnings that he's interfering with?

Absolute bullshit is it controlling to want to know where an extra £100 went!! Ffs that's totally normal! He sounds incredibly defensive and angry, to a really impossible to live with degree. You have done nothing wrong OP, you are not abusive, he absolutely is. Storming off and leaving you, shouting, being aggressive, making you question your understanding of reality (he spent way over on the shop with no explanation but acts as if you've imagined it, he over eats family food and tries to act as if it was you/didn't happen). I'm sorry OP, this is really not ok.

Yes both self employed.

I needed more child-free time to dedicate to the business and he was going to take on more caring and home ed duties but this didn’t play out.

Absolutely. £100 difference is huge, anyone would question that surely? His reaction is really odd and suspicious, not OK at all.

If your food budget for the month is £500 and your husband spunks £225 of it in the first week that's not exactly a 'oh bless, never mind' situation

You say he has form for lying - any of this around gambling, drink, or anything else that £100 cash back from the shop would be handy for?

One thing I would say, just throwing it out there....

Ive noticed my mum can be really controlling with food/food shopping towards my dad. Its just in this area of their life together. But like he'll go to the fridge and get out some cheese or something, and she'll be all: "Oh! Are you hungry? This soon after dinner?" Or he'll get out some ham and she'll be like: "Ah. I was going to use that for sandwiches tomorrow."
On the one hand i get it, dealing with the cooking/food is her "job" in the house. But another part of me is like "for fucks sake, let the man make some toast in his own bloody kitchen".