My husband told me I am abusive. That it's an accumulation of things said to him in ways that make him feel criticised.
Here are some examples of things he says I have done that are abusive:
The other day, I expressed surprised at how expensive our weekly shop was - over £100 more than normal. I asked if he had a receipt (no), I asked if there could have been a mistake at the till. I asked if he bought anything extra I hadn't put on the list when doing the meal plan and shopping list (only some yogurts). This was interrogation and unreasonable criticism, I am told.
The next day, I wondered out loud as to where all the cheese had gone and why the prawns were open, and also was surprised that all the ham was finished. He said he had 'barely had any' and then started listing loudly how many pieces were in each pack and how much of it he thought I had consumed at breakfast.
I, with a little jest, said 'I don't believe a word' (he has form for lying) and before I could finish my sentence he had stormed off out of the house in front of the children.
Later that day he returned, did not acknowledge me, and then left the house again without mention, and was gone for a couple of hours.
I found this upsetting, as I didn't know what was going on, was home alone with our two children (both disabled, one of whom cannot be left unsupervised for even a second), with no idea when he might return. I had not had a chance yet that day to shower or dress and had shared that morning how tired I was feeling after several nights poor sleep.
When he returned, after some time of being ignored, I asked him if we could talk about what was happening. I explained I was feeling upset because of his leaving suddenly without explanation, particularly as we have an agreement set previously during family therapy we did with our older teen, that if one of us ever needs to cool off we do each other the courtesy of saying that's what we're doing, agree when we will be back and agree to talk on return.
After listening to what I had said, he basically said he disagreed with that agreement and said he was going upstairs for a while.
Come evening, further ignoring continuing, my teen asks us to 'just sort it out'. I explain again what was upsetting for me and ask him to share what was going on for him.
That's when he unleashed with the accusations of abuse. He said I'm abusive, and it's been an accumulation over 2-3 months. I asked for some examples to help me understand but he couldn't recall any, just asking me to 'be nicer'. Throughout the conversation he seemed impatient and short, and his tone was aggressive.
I was horrified he felt this way and really really upset by the accusation. We talked for a while but he said he didn't really want to talk about it, he hates conversations like this, he grew up in a house where his parents fought all the time, and actually he just wanted to go to bed.
I told him how confusing this felt to me, how I want to understand, and how everything has been so normal and happy at home I had absolutely no idea he was upset about anything until this explosion when I was telling him how sad I was about the walking out.
My head is all over the place today from the deflection and escalation that happened in last night's conversation. This isn't the first time.
I am also feeling deeply ashamed if I have been abusive, unwittingly. I am wondering also if some of the things I point out - that we've agreed on, but he does not do consistently - like keeping the kitchen decent, making sure we put meetings in the calendar etc - are coming across as 'abusive'? He doesn't react well when I mention them.
For context, I am autistic, I work full time, have two disabled children one of whom is home educated and whom we have been through a hellish few years with, I'm exhausted most of the time and probably am a little sharp sometimes. But I never raise my voice, swear, shout, call him names. I wouldn't dream of it and would not want to make him feel unloved or small.
Am I the asshole?
Sorry this is long, I am just so confused and tired.