Trips away | Mumsnet

Badgerstmary · 2025-07-13T23:49:16+00:00

My dh has been invited on 6 trips away with friends without me this year.(Stag do/ 50th…) Most of them are weekends & he is only taking 1/2 day off work, but one is a week. We don’t normally go away without each other apart from last year he went away for a week. He used to work every other weekend so childcare fell to me. He now doesn’t work any weekends & the dc are now teens & in their 20’s. I have planned a family trip abroad & a night for us all camping. I told him I’m happy for him to go away with friends but I’d appreciate him booking the same amount of trips for us. Realistically just a couple of nights away would be a start. Needless to say it’s now July & he hasn’t booked anything. I am feeling unloved & don’t know what to do. I do realise he hasn’t booked any of these himself & I am always the one to initiate trips but…

HarkerandBarker · 14/07/2025 00:55

Sounds like he wants a bachelors life again.

You should go places without him.

See how he likes it.

suburberphobe · 14/07/2025 00:59

Yep, living the bachelor life-style.

Is it coming out of your pooled financial resources?!

Get financially independent. Your future self will thank you.

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 02:12

It really sounds as though your H is checking out of family life because that's an excessive amount of trips away for a married man with family responsibilities. I'm surprised you say you are happy for him.to go off with his pals to enjoy the single life on such a regular basis.

I.think you need a frank discussion with him about the future of your marriage because you shouldnt be left with all the family responsibilities while he gets to.do as he pleases with his friends.

HarkerandBarker · 14/07/2025 02:47

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 02:12

It really sounds as though your H is checking out of family life because that's an excessive amount of trips away for a married man with family responsibilities. I'm surprised you say you are happy for him.to go off with his pals to enjoy the single life on such a regular basis.

I.think you need a frank discussion with him about the future of your marriage because you shouldnt be left with all the family responsibilities while he gets to.do as he pleases with his friends.

I wouldn't give him a get out clause. I'd just behave the same until he wants to talk about it. Maybe quietly make an escape plan. Don't give him the heads up I say. And when he's least expecting it....boom 💥

Bananalanacake · 14/07/2025 07:05

Well you go away as many times as him on your own or with friends. It's great your DC are older so he can't say he doesn't want to look after the kids while you are gone.

Original poster

Badgerstmary · 14/07/2025 09:17

The trips he has done so far I don’t mind, it’s the next one which I think he is taking the piss by going on. He’s saying he doesn’t want to go on it any more as it’s changed but he hasn’t cancelled.
I know next yr he’ll probably go away twice with mates, a week & a weekend & again he won’t be the one organising them.
Am I feeling wrong to be so jealous? He tells me he loves me & I love him. I just need him to show me by prioritising me & arranging something for us. He is completely capable of that.

OP posts:

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 09:22

It sounds like these are all ‘milestone’ or occasion getaways? Not just random breaks with friends? 50th is a big occasion, so is a stag etc. I don’t think that’s necessarily him putting more effort there, it’s just something he’s been invited to and not organised himself.

Launch the Tui website with him and say ‘let’s pick a holiday’ - it doesn’t have to get so resentful

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 09:30

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 09:22

It sounds like these are all ‘milestone’ or occasion getaways? Not just random breaks with friends? 50th is a big occasion, so is a stag etc. I don’t think that’s necessarily him putting more effort there, it’s just something he’s been invited to and not organised himself.

Launch the Tui website with him and say ‘let’s pick a holiday’ - it doesn’t have to get so resentful

He has the ability to say no: just because he's invited doesn't mean to say he automatically has to go.
He is putting his friendship group before his marriage.
And honestly 50 year old men going on " stag" does and behaving like single men when actually they have wives, partners and responsibilities is just gross.
If he really loved OP he would listen to how she feels. It sounds as though he thinks he is entitled to do just want he wants in the marriage despite his life partner not being happy.

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 09:37

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 09:30

He has the ability to say no: just because he's invited doesn't mean to say he automatically has to go.
He is putting his friendship group before his marriage.
And honestly 50 year old men going on " stag" does and behaving like single men when actually they have wives, partners and responsibilities is just gross.
If he really loved OP he would listen to how she feels. It sounds as though he thinks he is entitled to do just want he wants in the marriage despite his life partner not being happy.

Show quote history

Ok a couple of things here.

Couples are allowed to do things alone. It doesn’t sound like he’s saying ‘I rather do X with a mate than going away with you’ - he’s still gone on the family trips that were organised. I wouldn’t be happy if my OH said I couldn’t go on trips with friends - that’s controlling. OP should also be able to go away with her friends should she want to.

After so many years together and trips away not being the norm, it would be quite odd to expect a one for one rule to now apply (for every trip you say yes to, you have to plan one for us). I’m saying that OP can say ‘let’s go away, let’s plan this together’ and if he resists to that then there’s a problem.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 09:39

This is possibly your life going forward.

he prefers the company of his mates, but likes the convenience/sex/housework/financial sharing of a woman at home.

so it’s up to you.

baileys6904 · 14/07/2025 09:46

The kids are older and independent, as long as family finances aren't negatively affected, start doing the same!

Or, to be honest, as girls trips aren't my cuo of tea, every time he has a blokes trip, book a couples one. Be proactive about it. Hes not arranging things himself for the boys and nothing for you, it sounds like he's happier as a participant than an organiser.

My ohs the same. We have a very close football connection so major tournament years are hectic to say the least and not really my thing to the same extent. I just made sure that every weekend he was away, we had a weekend earmarked for 'couples' time.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 09:48

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 09:37

Ok a couple of things here.

Couples are allowed to do things alone. It doesn’t sound like he’s saying ‘I rather do X with a mate than going away with you’ - he’s still gone on the family trips that were organised. I wouldn’t be happy if my OH said I couldn’t go on trips with friends - that’s controlling. OP should also be able to go away with her friends should she want to.

After so many years together and trips away not being the norm, it would be quite odd to expect a one for one rule to now apply (for every trip you say yes to, you have to plan one for us). I’m saying that OP can say ‘let’s go away, let’s plan this together’ and if he resists to that then there’s a problem.

Show quote history

Sure they’re allowed to go away on their own. But did you miss that the op asked him to arrange something for them in return and he hasn’t. THAT is the problem. And it’s unfortunately because he doesn’t want to.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 09:51

@baileys6904
everyone is happier being the participant rather than the organiser.
the point is being the organiser shows desire to be with the person you’re organising for.
and thus, not organising shows the opposite

Ukholidaysaregreat · 14/07/2025 09:56

Your kids are nearly grown up. Sort out some holidays with your friends and do a few holidays as a family. Don't be resentful because he has lots of nice things going on. Put some nice things in place in your life to look forward to.

Sashya · 14/07/2025 10:07

Badgerstmary · 14/07/2025 09:17

The trips he has done so far I don’t mind, it’s the next one which I think he is taking the piss by going on. He’s saying he doesn’t want to go on it any more as it’s changed but he hasn’t cancelled.
I know next yr he’ll probably go away twice with mates, a week & a weekend & again he won’t be the one organising them.
Am I feeling wrong to be so jealous? He tells me he loves me & I love him. I just need him to show me by prioritising me & arranging something for us. He is completely capable of that.

@Badgerstmary
Jealousy - or, in this case more of a FOMO is never a good thing. It's not your H's fault that his friends started organising trips - that there are milestone birthdays and people travel. It is also not his fault that your friends are not getting together and organising travel.

I don't usually defend men - but in this instance - I don't think this has anything to do with his love for you. And your feeling of jealousy is misplaced.
I don't know many (or any) men who are great with organising family trips. So - if you want it happen - at least come up with an idea of where you want to go. Tell him to plan trip to X. Men are better with specific instructions/directions.

Or - better yet - see if any of your friends would like to go. Or, plan it yourself.

Any of that is better than sitting around feeling resentful and telling him he should not be joining his friends, simply because you don't want him to have fun, if YOU can't also have fun...

OohhhhhBigStretch · 14/07/2025 10:18

Sounds like you need a proper sit down with I’m and explain how you feel. Hinting doesn’t always work.

Im a bit of a people pleaser and will accept invitations without really wanting to. I’ve got a lot better now I’m older, but there was a time I had a lot of weekends away booked and didn’t actually want to go. Maybe you expressing your upset is the push he needs to be a bit more assertive.

Original poster

Badgerstmary · 14/07/2025 10:18

Sashya · 14/07/2025 10:07

@Badgerstmary
Jealousy - or, in this case more of a FOMO is never a good thing. It's not your H's fault that his friends started organising trips - that there are milestone birthdays and people travel. It is also not his fault that your friends are not getting together and organising travel.

I don't usually defend men - but in this instance - I don't think this has anything to do with his love for you. And your feeling of jealousy is misplaced.
I don't know many (or any) men who are great with organising family trips. So - if you want it happen - at least come up with an idea of where you want to go. Tell him to plan trip to X. Men are better with specific instructions/directions.

Or - better yet - see if any of your friends would like to go. Or, plan it yourself.

Any of that is better than sitting around feeling resentful and telling him he should not be joining his friends, simply because you don't want him to have fun, if YOU can't also have fun...

Show quote history

Sasha, I definitely do not have fomo, & as I have said it is this 6th trip which I think is taking the piss, not the other 5. It’s more-or-less the same people he is going away with each time.
I have been to France for my cousins 50th for a long weekend without him this yr, as he was invited but already away with his mates. I have also booked going away with friends but as per normal, he is coming too which is what we normally do.
Do you not think 6 extra mates holidays is a lot?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 10:37

I’m intrigued @Sashya- why do you set such a low bar for men? Why do you think women are better at/should be the organisers of joint stuff? Does their penis get in the way of organising?

baileys6904 · 14/07/2025 10:40

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 09:51

@baileys6904
everyone is happier being the participant rather than the organiser.
the point is being the organiser shows desire to be with the person you’re organising for.
and thus, not organising shows the opposite

Not necessarily. I can't stand someone trying to choose my trips, they never do it how I'd want it, or I'd want to include certain activities they may not etc.

My OH knows this and is happy for me to take the lead. However he also defrosts my car for me if its cold as a surprise, or travels hours to pick something up I've mentioned or random things like that.

Just because he doesn't organise a trip doesn't mean im loved or valued any less

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 10:40

There is a huge difference between the following

scenario 1
person A is shit at organising but says to person B ‘I’d love to go on holiday with you but I’m so shit at organising it, pretty please will you do it and I’ll massage your back in return for 2 hours’

scenario 2
person A is perfectly capable of organising, in fact did at the start of a relationship, has organised a few trips with mates recently, but doesn’t organise anything with person B

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 10:43

Ok, fab, @baileys6904. so that’s a huge difference from the scenario posed in the opening post. Yours is from a mutual understanding. The op has asked her husband to organise something for them, being perfectly capable and as a result of going on 6 with friends, and he hasn’t bothered.

baileys6904 · 14/07/2025 10:45

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 10:40

There is a huge difference between the following

scenario 1
person A is shit at organising but says to person B ‘I’d love to go on holiday with you but I’m so shit at organising it, pretty please will you do it and I’ll massage your back in return for 2 hours’

scenario 2
person A is perfectly capable of organising, in fact did at the start of a relationship, has organised a few trips with mates recently, but doesn’t organise anything with person B

A) relationships aren't a trading commodity.
B) different people have different live languages.

C) i feel like you think your ideal on equality trumps other people's. Would you be as 'strong' in your responses if it was a man posting about his female partner ( and believe it or not, some women are crap at gestures too)

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 10:47

I genuinely can’t see how you don’t get this @baileys6904. I am responding based on the ops wants and love language, based on her op. You are responding, pointlessly, on how your totally different situation works.

Hothouseflowers · 14/07/2025 10:52

ThymeandBasil · 14/07/2025 09:30

He has the ability to say no: just because he's invited doesn't mean to say he automatically has to go.
He is putting his friendship group before his marriage.
And honestly 50 year old men going on " stag" does and behaving like single men when actually they have wives, partners and responsibilities is just gross.
If he really loved OP he would listen to how she feels. It sounds as though he thinks he is entitled to do just want he wants in the marriage despite his life partner not being happy.

Show quote history

Does he really know she is this unhappy though?

As far as I can see he has got the green light for the trips but has just failed to keep to the “book the same number of trips for us” request (which I personally think is a bit excessive to be honest and 1/2 would have probably shown enough willing)

These sound like special trips bar maybe the week one which I also think is a bit excessive.

sounds like the kids are self sufficient mostly now so why don’t you look to do something similar with your friends.

How does he afford all these trips? Is he on mega money?

Hothouseflowers · 14/07/2025 10:54

Badgerstmary · 14/07/2025 10:18

Sasha, I definitely do not have fomo, & as I have said it is this 6th trip which I think is taking the piss, not the other 5. It’s more-or-less the same people he is going away with each time.
I have been to France for my cousins 50th for a long weekend without him this yr, as he was invited but already away with his mates. I have also booked going away with friends but as per normal, he is coming too which is what we normally do.
Do you not think 6 extra mates holidays is a lot?

Show quote history

It is a lot.