Reconnected with an ex after 13 years… now I’m questioning everything

[Sunrise345]

I’m just here to vent and maybe see if anyone can relate. Life feels heavy right now, and I’m struggling to make sense of everything.

About 13 years ago, I dated someone who, to this day, felt like the most natural and meaningful connection I’ve ever had. We were only together for six months, but the chemistry was real. Spontaneous road trips, weekends away, deep conversations, laughter, and a strong physical connection. It just felt effortless.

At the time, I was still reeling from a tough breakup with a long-term ex. And just when something genuine started to build with this new person, my ex reappeared. I was confused, emotionally torn, and ended up going back to the past. I moved in with my ex, and it quickly turned out to be a huge mistake. Meanwhile, I lost someone who might’ve been the right person for me all along.

She moved on, met someone else, got married, and had kids. I never really did. I’ve dated a few people since, but nothing has come close to what I felt with her.

Then, two years ago, completely out of the blue, she messaged me on social media. We started chatting occasionally, and more recently, we’ve met up a few times. Just the two of us, and without her husband knowing. Nothing physical has happened, but emotionally, it’s stirred up a lot.

She’s told me she still thinks about me. That I’m always on her mind. She even said that back then, I felt like a soulmate to her. From what she’s shared, things at home aren’t great. Her relationship seems to be hanging on for the sake of the kids. She’s mentioned that her husband can be quite confrontational and direct with her. I don’t know the full picture, but I’ve noticed she seems to escape home life whenever she can. She goes to the gym or meets up with friends, possibly just to get some breathing space.

I’m still single at 45. I’ve never married or had children, not by choice, just the way things unfolded. I’ve tried dating apps, but they’ve only chipped away at my confidence. I’ve been off them for a while now. Most of my friends have families, while I feel stuck, invisible, and wondering what I missed.

I’m not looking to break up anyone’s family. That’s not who I am. But I also can’t ignore these unresolved feelings, or the fact that she still feels like the one that got away. I don’t know if I’m holding onto a fantasy or if there’s really something still there.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Reconnecting with someone from your past and feeling emotionally overwhelmed? Does it ever get better when you’re caught between what could’ve been and where you are now?

Yes you will move on. I’m guessing this wasn’t on your mind so much before the ex contacted you. You will go back to feeling how you did then.

Be patient with your ex, but try to make sure you’re not a casualty of her current unhappy situation.

No good can come of this. lots of things are likely to happen

at least one person will be incredibly hurt, likely you and far likely more than one person.

Likely she is lying/exaggerating about the state of her marriage to justify what she is doing

likely she will have no qualms leaving you suddenly as you did to her

likely it feels intense and exciting as it is forbidden. Walk away before you get in too deep

If she had really been the right person for you you wouldn’t have gone back to your ex. Simple as that. It just looks rosier than it was in retrospect.

If it wasn’t right then it won’t be right now - especially given she’s married…! Block and delete and move on. I really hate social media for all this sort of stuff. In the old days you’d never see someone again- you’d just accept that was that (unless you still lived in the same place and saw them but you probably wouldn’t talk to them!) but with social media etc it’s far too easy to message someone. My ex left me for an ex he had found on Facebook. It’s such a shit thing to do.

You are going to get hurt again if you carry on communicating with her OP.

She is married and has children.

If she decides to leave her marriage, and you get together, is this just not history repeating itself?

Pull back massively OP. You know this isn't right and it's going to cause hurt along the way.

I think you are putting yourself in a difficult situation.
Firstly meeting with someone who is not available and you clearly still have some form of feelings towards is going to close you off from anyone else who may appear in your life. You will compare anyone to this woman and the feelings you get and could also be putting a different "vibe" out there into the world which means potential partners think you are unavailable.

You could also be playing with fire if her marriage is in trouble (or it might not be and she's just looking for some fun elsewhere and using you). Imagine what could happen if her husband found out about the time you've spent together.
I think you should be open about enjoying spending time with her, but mention that if her husband doesn't know then it doesn't feel right. You are either a friend who he knows about or it isn't a good idea to be meeting or talking and you are on the road to assisting in the breakdown of a family. I think you know this though.

Be the bigger person with morals and close it down. You know she's married so what could come next will be just as much your fault as it is hers.

You’re having an emotional affair with a married woman and looking through rose tinted specs.

If it was meant to be and she really was the one, you wouldn’t have chosen a relationship with someone else over her.

You're feeling sorry for yourself that your life hasn’t gone as planned and this is a fantasy.

You need to walk away before you end up hurt .

If in time her marriage is over then maybe it could happen but you’re playing with fire OP and you’ll end up badly burnt.

She is having an emotional affair. She is cheating on her husband. Instead of speaking and working on her marriage, either herself or via a counsellor, or choosing to divorce - she has decided to sneak about and get her ego kibbles from her ex (you).

Its easy to cheat, SM and tinder is just a click away. Staying faithful and honouring your words is hard. And it’s a choice.

Maybe you recognised such flaws 13 years ago and that’s why you split.

Regardless a married cheat isn’t a catch.

Personally I’d say sort out your life and only then would I meet her again. Cheats lie, she’s lying to her husband, so you can guarantee she’s lying to you.

Read ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass.

She's unhappy in her relationship and looking for attention/ an ego boost / some escapism / an exit affair... she can't meet you on equal terms while she is in a relationship and she won't be able to offer you as much as you would like and would likely return to her husband leaving you high and dry.

Step away now and ask her to reconnect if / when she is single.

make sure you’re not a casualty of her current unhappy situation is wise.

Block. She's married, there's children, it's a fantasy, a memory, it's not real, you've both changed. She may be using you.

Let it go, and walk into your real world future, meet real people and leave the fantasy behind.

There will be lots of people wanting to jump on you for being part of an emotional affair but I don't think it's that simple.

If her marriage is failing, it needs to fail on its own terms. You and she will have a better chance of success afterwards if you're not part of it. And your relationship with her children will be better.

I think you need to tell her that you can't support her in a failing marriage because it is doing neither of you any good. If she's still trying to make it work, tell her you are stepping back to let her do that without distractions and to protect yourself. But I would also make it clear to her that should the day come when she's in a position to have a relationship and you're single which is likely, you are definitely going to be there for that.

Not everyone should stay and be miserable for the sake of it.

She is behaving badly. She is a liar. She is treating you and her husband badly.
People having affairs will justify anything to themselves and each other but it’s all based on lies and cheating.
Let her know you’d be happy to meet up if she ever leaves her husband but you don’t want to be part of something built on this foundation. At the moment she’s using you.
Anyway do you really want to be a stepdad? Think it through.
Hope things work out for you.

Let her end and leave the other relationship. Then, maybe.

I think I know why.. I was stuck in this love triangle and I couldn’t make a decision at the time and the one I thought I made was wrong… I think I have undiagnosed ADHD and that’s the route to my indecisive ways

!00% agree with this.
What you describe is a typical falling in love situation, everything is fresh, new and exciting. This is the ONE is your horomones talking because you are in love with them and they you. Doing exciting and fun things together, sex is more exciting with a person you love too.
So if it was that good why did you go back to your ex?

She is an awful human being enjoying a bit of online attention from you whilst married to someone else. She tells you her side of the story.

I think I may have undiagnosed ADHD, which could explain my indecisiveness. I ended up taking what felt like the safer option by going back to my ex because of our history, especially since the new relationship was still so fresh.

Never ever go back to an ex - ever. Even the stories on here of “yeah we are perfect now” are all nonsense and pure cope.

ADHD has nothing to do with this. You’re about to cheat with a married woman. Nothing good will come of this.

I was meaning making decisions back then. If I didn’t have my previous ex floating in the background.. who knows where I would be now with her

I think you are seeing this relationship with rose tinted glasses. She is likely unhappy in her marriage and getting your attention now when you chose someone else before is validating her. But she needs to sort out the issues within herself and marriage without using you to escape. If you are meant to be you will but don’t be sneaky liars because it will just sully any genuine feelings. If I was her I would find it hard to get past what you did — dumping her for your ex. I don’t think it’s just her marriage that will stand in the way of a healthy relationship.

Stop it with the ADHD stuff now. Many adults have ADHD are not using this as an excuse for being a catalyst for an affair.

She's not your perfect partner - she lacks a moral compass, and if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you.

If getting involved with a married woman isn't who you are, then cut this off right now. Or accept that yes, it IS who you are.

She is bored in her marriage and wants a taste of what her life was like 13 years ago. You’re her one that got away. She was younger, thinner, prettier, no kids, no husband banging on and she was going on fun road trips with you. You remind her of her old life. You binned her off and that has stayed with her.

Meeting up with you is giving her a slice of what her old life looked like and you’re helping her itch a scratch. There’s a part of her that is fucking with you too. You dumped her and yet she’s married with children and you’re 45 and single. Part of her wants to rip your clothes off and shag you to see if it’s like it was, part of her wants to tease you and treat you like shit, like you did to her and another part of her wants to get back at her DH. And the final part wants to stay with her DH and make a go of it.

Why do you keep recycling women?

It's over. You move on.

You appear however to continue to repeat the same unhealthy pattern.

She's using you as some sort of emotional crutch right now. She needs to sort out her own shit before she's in a relationship with anyone else.

No good can come from this.