Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé just told me it’s over

36 replies

Panickyanicky · 12/07/2025 16:31

I am due to get married in 6 weeks, He’s just told me he’s no longer in love with me and it’s over, I don’t even know how to begin handling this, we’re expats I’m entirely dependent on him, it’s been 8 years. The wedding is already paid for, family have spent a fortune to attend it. I feel so stupid and so ashamed.
He says he’s 100% certain, this is what he wants and he’s not willing to discuss or work anything out.

OP posts:
Tiredandtiredagain · 12/07/2025 16:35

Firstly, anyone in real life around to help you? Where are you living? Do you have children?

converseandjeans · 12/07/2025 16:37

It’s up to him to tell everyone then. I bet he’s having an affair & she has issued an ultimatum.

Wishiwasperfect · 12/07/2025 16:38

There is no reason for you to feel stupid and ashamed OP.
This is all down to him.

Pancakeflipper · 12/07/2025 16:39

Get your support team round you.
Get them involved with practical stuff of what needs cancelling and holding you up, handing over kleenex and listen you asking "what the hell is going on?"

This is horrid and it's going to be tough. But you will get through it and you will be OK, you will laugh again and love again. Do not feel embarrassed.

2025ismybestyear · 12/07/2025 16:40

Say to him that's fine but he will need to call everyone, tell them it's over, take the financial hit and move out while you find somewhere else to live.

anitarielleliphe · 12/07/2025 16:44

You have my sympathies, and please surround yourself with friends and family, even if that means taking a short vacation home. When you say that your are entirely dependent on him, what does that mean? Are you saying "emotionally," "socially," and "financially" or some combination of this? If it is any one of these or a combination then this, in and of itself, is a sign of dysfunction.

The other major red flag is that you seem to have been caught unawares . . . had no clue that his feelings for you had changed.

What I am saying by both of these statements is that though you are devastated right now, and potentially trying to figure out a way to reconcile or feel extreme despair, I am telling you that in the long run, even as soon as a year from now, you will realize that this is the best thing that could happen . . . IF AND ONLY IF . . . you learn something from the failures . . . from how you let yourself become so dependent on him, and lost yourself in the process.

The final thing I will say is that you should never reconcile, ever. Even if he comes back weeks, months or years from now saying he made a mistake. He may do that, but you now know that he does not actively work together to solve problems, or even give you insight into what he is feeling or thinking. If you were to reconcile, there is a strong likelihood that years from now, when you potentially have been married and with kids, the same thing will happen when he internally muses that he is no longer happy, or meets someone at work, or wants to have his freedom in middle-age.

The stakes, while they seem high now, because you have 8 years invested in the relationship and live in another country, are really so much less than if you had children.

One day, when you have healed, you will date again, and remember to never relinquish your independence emotionally, socially, financially. Keep your friends. Keep your career. Keep your aspirations and goals that were forged a part from the new guy that one day will join your life. Something tells me that you conformed everything about yourself to your fiance's goals and lifestyle, and you lost yourself along the way. You stopped living for yourself, too, and put him at the center of everything, in a way that caused you to cease to be the person he first met. Women do this a lot. Women are conditioned to always place themselves second to everyone else. Do not make that mistake again, and you will find that you regain your confidence, your boundaries and your autonomy, and as a by-product, your happiness.

Iloveeverycat · 12/07/2025 16:46

You should not feel stupid or ashamed. It is all down to him. Tell him that he has to contact everyone himself as he was the one that cancelled it.

Lavender14 · 12/07/2025 16:46

I'm so sorry op, had there been signs that he wasn't happy/ having doubts or has it been completely out of the blue?

I think in some ways it's better he tells you now than straight after the wedding but I agree it's going to be up to him to tell everyone and I think you need to circle your wagons.

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, this is all on him. If he was having doubts he should have come to you sooner and tried to work on it with you. You're meant to be a team and it sounds like he is acting alone.

I think you need to get some support in real life. If you're an expat how does this impact you staying where you are? Could some family or friends come to see you for some support or could you go to them for a while. You don't need to make any big decisions right this minute you can take a moment to just process and get the initial shock over you. I agree he needs to stay elsewhere while you figure things out for yourself.

Had you both put equal amounts into the wedding and can you financially sustain yourself and if so for how long? Only asking because you said you were dependent on him.

FateAmenableToChange · 12/07/2025 16:47

Thats such a shitty thing to do, to let it get that far and completely blindside you. A real insight into who is actually is though, someone capable of that level of deception towards the person they are closest to. Probably a lucky escape even though it wont feel like it for a while. Are there any children involved? Anything stopping you from packing up, walking out and going home?

Panickyanicky · 12/07/2025 16:50

I’m a trailing “spouse” I have no right to be in the country without him. I have no financial freedom. I recently started a small business which I plunged my savings into believing we would be settling in this posting for a while.
I will need to go “home” but it hasn’t been my home for 12 years now, I have nothing to go back to, no job, no home, limited friends and family I have a rocky relationship with.
I am so stupid for letting myself get into this situation

OP posts:
2025ismybestyear · 12/07/2025 16:53

You're not stupid. If you couldn't trust him, then you shouldn't have been marrying him.

Do you want to say where in the world you are and where you'd need or want to move to?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/07/2025 16:54

You are not stupid, OP. You trusted someone you were engaged to, that's just natural. And nobody is going to think anything negative about you as a result of this; everyone will be on your side. Don't leave him to tell your family though, because the chances are that he just won't bother - he'll walk away and leave you to wade through the mess. Tell everyone sooner rather than later, without shame, without apology, because this is ALL on HIM.

I think you'll find that people will definitely want to help you if they can.

pushthebuttonnn · 12/07/2025 16:55

I'm so sorry, this is absolutely awful to hear 😞 I agree with a pp, it sounds like there is someone else involved. You need to get yourself together now and get home ASAP, start a new fabulous life without him. Is there any way of getting some of your money from the business back?

coxesorangepippin · 12/07/2025 16:56

First flight back op

Don't look back

coxesorangepippin · 12/07/2025 16:56

It would help if you would tell us which country you're in, and if you are a UK citizen

Panickyanicky · 12/07/2025 16:59

I am a UK citizen I would need to return to the uk. I’m in South Africa, I don’t even know where to start with returning I was an employed expat before meeting him but I gave up work 3 years ago to follow him to this latest posting.
I have no way of affording a place to rent in the uk

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 12/07/2025 17:01

Only worry about canceling things that are in your name and could create financial issues for you. He can deal with everything else.

yes, you put yourself in a very precarious situation, but you will work your way out of it.

even though you are not married, I would start with an expectation that he is going to give you a share of the assets to help you love “home”. He might not have any legal obligation, but if he isn’t a complete monster, he will do this. I would act quickly on this and get as much money as possible moved to your name, preferably in a bank account back home, while he still feels guilty. Don’t do anything illegal. Get him to transfer the money.

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 17:04

Hello OP, I am also coming out of an 8-year relationship as an expat. He wasn't my fiancé and I wasn't dependent on him, but just wanted to say I understand how it feels to not only have the end of a relationship to contend with, but also a logistical nightmare.
The most obvious thing for you to do would be to go home and stay on someone's sofa/spare room until you get a job?

anitarielleliphe · 12/07/2025 17:17

Panickyanicky · 12/07/2025 16:50

I’m a trailing “spouse” I have no right to be in the country without him. I have no financial freedom. I recently started a small business which I plunged my savings into believing we would be settling in this posting for a while.
I will need to go “home” but it hasn’t been my home for 12 years now, I have nothing to go back to, no job, no home, limited friends and family I have a rocky relationship with.
I am so stupid for letting myself get into this situation

Sell the business as soon as possible to recoup as much as you can from your investment. Move back to the UK, and even though you have a rocky relationship with family, I am sure someone will take you in and provide support until you get back on your feet again.

I agree with the other person that said to appeal to your ex to have him willingly pay for your return back to the UK. He knows that you will have to do that . . . that you have no legal recourse to stay now and that he is partly responsible (mainly responsible, but certainly you also play a small role in enabling that).

Again, I echo what everyone is saying here . . . his behavior is not your fault. You should not be ashamed. Learn what you can from this as you heal and neither be ashamed, daunted or made to feel hopeless about starting over. You are young and have skills and can do this.

SuperFi · 12/07/2025 17:49

So sorry OP, regarding the visa situation, could you take employment in SA and switch visa types ? Appreciate it most be overwhelming thinking of such matters presently. I would seek good immigration advice before making any decisions.

Have you made any friends in SA ? Take care

Sassybooklover · 12/07/2025 17:49

You need to contact family back here in the UK and tell them what has happened. Your partner must know that you will no longer be able to stay in the country, therefore you will need him to help with costs for you to return back to the UK. You need to think about work back here in the UK - what can you apply for. As for the wedding, has everything been paid for? No invoices due or outstanding? Have you collected your dress? Sell it. Do you have an engagement ring? Sell it. Wedding ring? Sell it. You will need the money going forward. Do you have friends/family attending the wedding? You need to tell them. Split the suppliers/venue etc between you, and cancel. Sadly, you will lose all money you have paid, there's no clawing any of that back. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of, this is on your partner.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/07/2025 17:52

@Panickyanicky

I know you don't want to hear this now, but be thankful that he called it off now rather than marry you because he was too cowardly to tell you the truth and then years later walked out on you and any children you may have had. I'm assuming there are no children now since you haven't mentioned them.

Can you contact your previous employer and see if they want to hire you back? Would it be worth seeing a solicitor to see if you have any legal rights as an unmarried partner in SA? Would you want to stay in SA if you could get permission to do so?

Do you have any idea of his financial situation? I agree that he should offer you some sort of financial 'settlement' for lack of a better word. Are there any joint assets you can tap? Can you sell your business?

As far as 'rocky relationships', give them a serious thought and see if any of them can be patched up. If so give it a try, what do you have to lose? They may not be placed to help you financially or take you in, but emotional support can be huge. It sounds as if they were coming to your wedding, so sounds to me that there is still 'something' there.

pushthebuttonnn · 12/07/2025 17:52

Book yourself into a hostel for a few weeks for starters. It will tie you over until you get sorted with work. If you're from a city you may need to move out a bit for cheaper rent. A houseshare might suit you short term until you save up some money.

Thatslife234 · 12/07/2025 17:56

Hi, OP. Look at the positives there's lots of help available in the UK. Churches and shared houses would be a cheaper option. You can get a job in a carr home or a hospital perhaps.

Thank your lucky startas you havent married this man. Is there anybody on his side who you have a trusting relationship with? Could they speak with him to find out his reasons.

bambara · 12/07/2025 21:22

Panickyanicky · 12/07/2025 16:50

I’m a trailing “spouse” I have no right to be in the country without him. I have no financial freedom. I recently started a small business which I plunged my savings into believing we would be settling in this posting for a while.
I will need to go “home” but it hasn’t been my home for 12 years now, I have nothing to go back to, no job, no home, limited friends and family I have a rocky relationship with.
I am so stupid for letting myself get into this situation

I was /
am the same as you. Lived abroad for 14 years with a husband that I'd been with for 22 when the left me out the blue - it's beyond awful but you will manage . It's 18 months later for me and I've just moved back to the UK and am struggling on many levels but on many others I'm ok. You'll get there I promise

Swipe left for the next trending thread