Is it ok..

[gratefulmuma]

for your partner to have a go at you infront of the kids that the kitchen isn't clean enough? I let my partner have a lie in- got up with the kids made breakfast / partner come down at 9 - bad mood - starts having a go at me infront of the kids that they're is orange Juice and honey on the floor ( I made sure everything was tidy but maybe missed some under where the baby was eating) just wondering if it's ok to do that infront of kids...

Sorry OP. but you’re making excuses. What this will do to your DS is give him a childhood free from growing up in an abusive home seeing his mother treated like shit and thinking this is normal. Then taking this forward into his adult relationships and continuing the cycle

This is showing the negative effect this situation is having on your 6 year old.

And if you think this child “loves him and will be distraught “ you need to realise that children learn very young to be affectionate and other ways to pacify a dangerous adult.

Thankyou for your reply @MollyButton I agree with you. He has never shown any of this infront of my 6 year old before / Saturday was the first show of anything - my eldest always tells me how much he loves him and how he likes him more than me 😅 so I think the affection is genuine but I agree you're right the slapping in the head could be him picking up on things .

I don't know if the other morning when my partner started criticising me in-front of him affected him.. he just said he didn't want to talk about it.

A normal person (and reasonable parent) would have cleaned up the orange juice and honey from the floor rather than placing blame. It's OK to point it out to everyone as a general warning to be more careful in future, but not worth upsetting everyone and certainly not worth hours of huff.

Op I believe he is mentally abusing you and has managed to hide it in front of kids previously . This isn’t good you sound distressed and scared. I would suggest ending this relationship I feel there’s a lot more going on here and bot in a good way

He has never done it before in front of your DS

but now he’s done it once, it will become a pattern.

Then he will do something even worse that’s he’s “never done before” and then that will become the norm

and so it escalates

My six year old started slapping himself repeatedly in the head this morning

has he learned this from his father Op?

I’m really concerned about what I’m reading here OP. You sound like such a lovely mum and your partner sounds so horrible.

Sadly, many of us on here recognise this as domestic abuse. Thankfully there is a lot of support available. I’d ditch the counselling you’re having with him and contact Women’s Aid.

Women’s Aid are absolutely wonderful.

@Decaffirstno he definitely hasn't - his step dad has never done this infront of him.

@Myfridgeiscoolwe had a session with the councillor yesterday who actually said he couldn't continue the sessions with us because he can't help us and has no more methods to try... this is the second couples therapist who's said this to us.

im finding it very hard to distinguish between what's abusive behaviour and what's not.. the couples therapists in our sessions never pointed out any behaviour to be abusive.

OP - don't try to continue with couples therapy, you really need individual therapy for yourself.

This man sounds awful and your poor boy is starting to struggle. He may say that he loves your partner, but could well be trying to protect himself (and you) by maintaining the status quo.

@gratefulmuma a counsellor won’t be able to say that they think the relationship is abusive because it will put you at risk.

Lots of women have been in your position, use this knowledge to protect yourself and your DS.

It gets worse. It never gets better.

You can’t have couples counselling when there’s domestic abuse involved. And no counsellor will mention abusive behaviour when the perpetrator is sitting in front of them as this would put the victim at increased risk.

You need to seek individual counselling and then explain the situation - you’ll find you will be far more likely to get honest feedback that your partner is abusive.

Do it in front of the kids then they will learn that its OK to speak like that to you! If me and my husband have words its always alone when DC are in bed. No shouting and screaming xx

I don't think it's a deal breaker that he was off with you in front of the dc Mumsnet tends to shield them from every cross word, which personally I find OTT. Instead there becomes an atmosphere which kids can't get a handle on.

@tripleginandtonici agree that in an ideal world 'a healthy argument' that gets resolved infront of the kids can be a good thing .. so they can learn about healthy conflict and resolution.