Is it ok..

[gratefulmuma]

for your partner to have a go at you infront of the kids that the kitchen isn't clean enough? I let my partner have a lie in- got up with the kids made breakfast / partner come down at 9 - bad mood - starts having a go at me infront of the kids that they're is orange Juice and honey on the floor ( I made sure everything was tidy but maybe missed some under where the baby was eating) just wondering if it's ok to do that infront of kids...

So he's criticising you constantly because whatever you're doing isn't good enough or up to his standards? It doesn't matter if he's doing this in front of the children or not - it's not acceptable. He's not in charge of you, and you aren't his servant. He's trying very hard to wear your self-esteem down, so you will be the compliant little partner, too frightened to have an opinion or thought of her own. He's a dick and an abusive one at that.

you know we can read what you wrote about him complaining before you edited it out?

Are you planning a third with him op?

No... we were but not anymore

Wise

My dad used to yell at my mum that food wasn't ready or the bed wasn't made or there was mess somewhere or other.

I really hated it and it caused me a lot of distress.
She claims she didn't mind but it gave me a bad impression of men and the fact she always did what he said. I hate cleaning and can't bear to be told what to do as an adult. That's partly the reason I think.

So it does affect the kids and they could start treating you that way themselves.or allow others to boss them around later in life.

I did have a couple of really abusive controlling 'relationships' when I was young too. Not blaming my parents for that though.

My DH would've got a cloth and just wiped it up at the same time as apologising for lying in and leaving me to sort the kids.

Why does your peach of a DH think it’s purely your job? He sounds like an arse. He’d certainly get his arsed handed to him if he’d dared said that me. You need to start telling him to get back in his box.

And yes, the kids need to see mummy and daddy disagreeing well. It’s a good model. But not daddy being a misogynistic prick and mummy being a mute compliant domestic drone. That’s not a good model for raising children.

Yes I agree... you are all right... thankyou so much for your comments... i really appreciate it

Op, this isn’t good.

I think things are a whole heap worse than this morning. You seem ground down. You are writing the truth and then editing it out.

I think you’ve posted because you know this, but you want permission to feel angry and disappointed and to want to change it.

You don’t need our permission.

So is this a one off or is he usually a lazy controlling bullying wanker who think you’re his skivvy? He thinks parenting is your job and begrudges looking after his own child for a few hours - what a prince!

yes it is a lot worse... i think I'm so confused... after therapy and him telling me our arguments are normal.., conflict is normal... that's it's my fault... that it's my mental health.. I can deal with it all for my son because my son loves him but I can't deal with it if its going to start affecting my son... today was the first time he's criticised me infront of him ... and I apologise so it doesn't escalate... I chatted to my son about it on the way to his kickboxing class .... I said '... was in a bad mood this morning huh?' He looked at me and smiled..: I said 'everyone gets in bad moods sometimes'.. I asked him if it made him feel sad or upset.... he didn't want to talk about it... just shook his head... I said if it didnt upset you or did just let me know and he said 'if I say no then it means no.. if I shake my head it means I don't want to talk about it..'

That sounds like he's gaslighting you, saying he really didn't do what you are saying he did and you are mentally ill.
Is that what he's doing?
Any way you cut it saying that to you is emotionally abusive and misogynistic.

He is seriously abusing you psychologically and making you totally doubt yourself. He also accuses you of being crazy, and blames everything on you.

This is every kind of wrong, and I'm so sorry. Please do keep posting, and asking for advice, and if you have any support IRL then please use it. You say you had therapy - did the therapist not say anything at all to you about your emotional health problems being caused by his treatment of you? Because they jolly well should have noticed.

You do realise this is abuse - diminishing anything you say and almost certainly gas lighting.

@putitovertherefornowthe therapist doesn't really point out stuff like that...he tends to look at underlying trauma - his abandonment/ issues and sometimes address those which is helpful 1 therapy is very difficult and also very confusing but I do think it's better than nothing..

@MollyButtonyes I agree - if he is rude and I get upset with him for it he very often blames 'my hormones'

He dismisses your feelings and needs and gaslights you into being the one to blame for any discord in the house.
He treats you like a naughty child and has taken your voice, if you have any concerns or want to speak about any problems, you are told, you are troublesome because of your hormones.
He talks down to you, gaslights you to think you are the problem, when the problem is him and how he tries to control you to obey, to keep your mouth shut and be the scapegoat for his defective personality.

Hang on - are you having joint counselling? Is that why the therapist is talking about your partner's abandonment/issues?

I'm sorry, but whatever the cause of his behaviour, he is still abusive towards you, and there is no excuse for it. You should not have to put up with being abused by someone just because of what did or did not happen in their past.

By the way, if there is even a hint of any kind of abuse in a relationship, it is a REALLY BAD idea to have joint counselling.

Please cease the joint counselling immediately . It’s not at all recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and this therapist is not recognising the abuse in your relationship. Instead this person is concentrating on your partners abandonment issues.

Abusers like your man always but always blame someone else, in this case you, for their faults.

You need to plan your exit from this relationship carefully. Women’s Aid can help you leave safely.

And your son certainly needs and deserves a far better male role model than the one he’s seeing at home.

I didn’t say rude I said abusive.
A 5 year old is rude when he calls you a poo head.
or the driver who did the Wanker sign at me last night was rude.

To diminish what you say either by citing hormones or questioning your mental health is abuse.

Stop the therapy (a good therapist should have stopped it themselves). Your H is using it to abuse you further, and getting excuses if called out on his behaviour from the therapist.

This morning my 6 year old had a bad morning then I was helping him get his suntan lotion on .. he was telling me I was getting it wrong .. I told him frustratedly 'yes I know I get things wrong.. i did this leg wrong..' he said 'you didn't just get that leg wrong 'you get everything wrong'.. then I said frustratedly 'yes I know mummy gets everything wrong' and my partner came over and said 'but you know what, that's part of being human... getting things wrong...'

My six year old started slapping himself repeatedly in the head this morning after getting frustrated about his hair.. then this evening he's been really angry and upset.. I feel like I'm losing it.. then just now the baby was upstairs crying while my partner went to get something downstairs so I went up to comfort him... he came up angry at me that I went up. I said 'I only came up to comfort him because he's crying' he said 'he's only crying because you didn't do what you were supposed to do and wash his bottle'

You need to leave. There’s not really much else to say. I’m very sorry you’re in this situation.

Thankyou @ForZanyAquaViewerthankuou for replying... I know you're right... my main problem is the relationship he has with my son.. my son loves him ... and will probably never see him again .. worried about what this will do to him... and that I will also only see my one year old half the week...