Confident at work, a total pushover in private - anyone else living a double life?

[GelatinousDynamo]

Hi all,
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like they’re secretly living a double life.

At work, I’m assertive, confident, and generally bossing it. People come to me for decisions. I set boundaries. I say no, I negotiate with clients, I assign people to projects. I use phrases like “circle back” without cringing. I'm senior management leading a big team and basically rocking it. It seems like I’ve got my life together.

And then I come home… and turn into a spineless marshmallow.

Exhibit A: I sit at my in-laws’ table once a month like a hostage, listening to their increasingly xenophobic and unhinged “observations” and saying absolutely nothing. I just chew my potatoes, look at my dog and silently disassociate.

Exhibit B: I want to see my dad without his very chatty girlfriend around. I've asked once and he's sort of ignored it, so I never mentioned it again. I just smile while she tells me (again) about her new vitamin regime and her past life as a horse whisperer, and can't bring myself to ask dad if I could have mom's diaries when he sells the house and moves in with her.

Exhibit C: The neighbour catches me outside and starts one of his monologues about bins, ticks, or his mysterious back injury from ’97. I nod, smile, and think about freedom — but I. just. stand. there. like. an. idiot.

Exhibit D: My husband keeps buying beer “for me” that I don't even like. Every time I open the fridge and see it, I feel like I’m being gaslit by hops. Do I say anything? Of course not. I just drink it. I can't seem to tell him that I actually don't like it.

Exhibit E: Friends want to go the pub on Friday when all I want is a bath and an episode of Brooklyn 99, but I go anyway. Because apparently, I have the spine of a particularly soft croissant.

What is wrong with me?! It’s like I use up all my assertiveness during the day and come home drained, unable to stand up for myself in even the smallest ways.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do I stop being a pushover with the people in my private life? Is there a middle ground between bitch and doormat? And if so, where can I find it?

I used to be exactly the same. I didn't stop being a pushover until a particular incident made me snap...at the age of 60.

I recommend snapping sooner.

I’m the same. In my case I think it’s a mixture of all my assertiveness being used up at work, knowing that my DP makes good decisions for us both (and general apathy/I don’t have the energy to disagree if he’s ever off).

I do, however, get frustrated that DP never sees assertive me.

If you have the energy, pick one of the things in your post and tackle it. Start small, build it up overtime. Or just snap - whatever floats your boat!

This is me - particular pushover at home with DH. Except…… maybe once every ten months or so he pushes me into a cover (proverbially, never physical) and I implode. Vocally, and unhinged, and he changes his behaviour, becomes nice and kind for maybe a week? It’s good whilst it lasts and then slips back into his pattern of unkind comments which get meaner and unpleasant. Not always directed at me of course - it starts with obs about others and then turns toward me and the pattern starts over. Until I get to the point of another eruption.

Well, I don't want it to get to a point where I just seemingly explode and vomit my emotions all over the carpet.. but I just can't seem to bring myself to say anything that might be considered rude.

I think you answered your own question - you are giving yourself time off from being the boss!
Perhaps start with one thing and do that first? Your mum’s diaries sound important. Channel your nice version of work you.

I can only speak for myself, of course, but I made the mistake of not bottling things up, not wanting to upset, not wanting to be rude...

Let's just say that there was no going back. I spent years being too nice for my own good.

So which is the real you? Work you or home you? Why do you think it’s either be a bitch or be a doormat? There’s a middle ground here.

I will admit to not understanding at all but I’m exactly the same at work and at home (although less sweary at work 😉)

Thanks. I guess starting is the only way to go and I needed a collective Mumsnet kick in the bottom.

I would say it's to do with your treatment and environment growing up - anything from your childhood might influence this in you?

You need to exercise your no and you will find it gets easier. I’d start with something easy like the beer just tell your husband you don’t actually like it that much and could he get you x instead. Or the neighbour “so sorry in a bit of a rush today…”

But I wouldn’t aim for full boss mode. At work people have to do what you say because, well, you’re the boss. You don’t want to be so assertive that you fall out with your whole extended family! I mean unless you do (sounds like at least some of them deserve it) which is fine.

I really enjoyed your OP and like your writing style.

I’m exactly the same and I don’t know why either.

I can only think it is because more emotion is involved and home relationships are deeper and more complicated and much more difficult to negotiate.

I guess both? This is what I mean: if I were to behave (say with my IL) as I do at work, things would become unpleasant. I'm not a bitch at work, but I have put up rules and boundaries and people respect them. But if I were to tell my in-laws that I don't really have time for them right now and to call me tomorrow, or that they've described their problem but I'm still waiting for their shot at a solution, they'd explode and my DH would land stick in the middle of a new cold war. If I told my neighbour to keep it short because I have things to do and places to be, I would feel embarrassed by my own rudeness.

Yes, this is exactly what I mean, I have trouble finding the middle ground. I'm starting to realise that's it's all or nothing with me.

There are countless self help books about boundaries. Read at least one of them.

Get counseling to try and find your true self. Yes, it’s a cliche but you may find it helpful.

Don’t go through life for the benefit of other people. Looking back on my long life, I know I wish I had stood up and done what I really wanted more often than I did.

Not really? I guess I was just simply socialised as most girls are, if you know what I mean. Being nice and polite, helpful, respectful to your elders, not running around, all that stuff. I was an only child, but also the eldest of all cousins, and the only girl.

It's not rude to say no. If others do get offended by it then that's their problem. You are not responsible for their feelings.

Is it because you don't have the language to say no? "I already have plans" is a good phrase. Doesn't matter that those plans include the bath, sofa and TV. Not engaging with xenophobic conversation is actually putting up a boundary.

Start with your husband.., just tell him you’ve gone off those beers and want to try something new. It’s not a big deal. He doesn’t need to know you haven’t liked them for a long time.

Tackle one thing at a time. Maybe then work out your go to phrases for the in laws to move the conversation on.

I find that I've got more of a backbone in work because there's clear rules, procedures etc so theres a framework of thresholds. When I get home there's more discretion that can be applied and I can be lenient. Its not right but I'm working on it

Also with your dad, spell it out to him that you want time alone with him. If he’s a typical man he won’t realise unless you explicitly say it. ‘Dad I love meeting you & ‘Jane’ for dinner but would you mind if we met up just the two of us once in a while? There are times I want to chat to you alone to talk about things going on in my life & Mum that I’m not comfortable sharing with others’

At work the role is more clear cut. I manage a team and I expect them to do as I ask, and they generally do. Some might question something - maybe I have forgotten about x etc - and that's fine, we have a discussion. I'm assertive but considerate (hopefully!).

At home I'm still assertive, never a walk over, but personal relationships are more complex and weighted with emotion. We don't have job descriptions and assigned tasks. My grown dc do their own thing, they won't necessarily be willing to do as I ask. Dh certainly isn't, depending on what it is! It's much more of a negotiation or live and let live situation.

Why should your dad see you without his gf? If he doesn't want to, there's no obligation, so asking is difficult. Re friends, I might go out when I'd rather stay in, because I value the friendship and want to maintain it.

The beer though, no I don't get that. I'd just tell him I prefer another.

Don't be my mother. She'd be the "good girl" and then explode into crazy behaviour, screaming at us all. And she endlessly blames her ex, us kids and everyone else for driving her to it. Needless to say she cant maintain a relationship or friendship with anyone.
Speak up, start with the little things and work up to life changing behaviour.

I recommend reading “ A Woman In Your Own Right” (the name of the author escapes me) about being assertive rather than passive or aggressive. I bought it years ago when I was attending assertiveness classes.

It’s Anne Dickson

What stopped me at 48 is realising I was being lied to and tolerating it.

I’ve got the Anne Dickson book! I was toying with sending it to Music Magpie for something like 29p. If you are willing to share your address by PM @GelatinousDynamo I will send it to you. It’s old but great and the fact we still need it shows how conditioned women are to be good and nice and smooth over any conflict.