Confident at work, a total pushover in private - anyone else living a double life?

[GelatinousDynamo]

Hi all,
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like they’re secretly living a double life.

At work, I’m assertive, confident, and generally bossing it. People come to me for decisions. I set boundaries. I say no, I negotiate with clients, I assign people to projects. I use phrases like “circle back” without cringing. I'm senior management leading a big team and basically rocking it. It seems like I’ve got my life together.

And then I come home… and turn into a spineless marshmallow.

Exhibit A: I sit at my in-laws’ table once a month like a hostage, listening to their increasingly xenophobic and unhinged “observations” and saying absolutely nothing. I just chew my potatoes, look at my dog and silently disassociate.

Exhibit B: I want to see my dad without his very chatty girlfriend around. I've asked once and he's sort of ignored it, so I never mentioned it again. I just smile while she tells me (again) about her new vitamin regime and her past life as a horse whisperer, and can't bring myself to ask dad if I could have mom's diaries when he sells the house and moves in with her.

Exhibit C: The neighbour catches me outside and starts one of his monologues about bins, ticks, or his mysterious back injury from ’97. I nod, smile, and think about freedom — but I. just. stand. there. like. an. idiot.

Exhibit D: My husband keeps buying beer “for me” that I don't even like. Every time I open the fridge and see it, I feel like I’m being gaslit by hops. Do I say anything? Of course not. I just drink it. I can't seem to tell him that I actually don't like it.

Exhibit E: Friends want to go the pub on Friday when all I want is a bath and an episode of Brooklyn 99, but I go anyway. Because apparently, I have the spine of a particularly soft croissant.

What is wrong with me?! It’s like I use up all my assertiveness during the day and come home drained, unable to stand up for myself in even the smallest ways.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do I stop being a pushover with the people in my private life? Is there a middle ground between bitch and doormat? And if so, where can I find it?

It sounds like you have a demanding job where there are clear rules and boundaries with relationships and tasks. Are you really tired outside of work do you need more time set aside to reset and be free from demands? How do you relax? Do you exercise or have hobbies?

In terms of the things you’ve highlighted as others say start small - ask for a change of beers - because you fancy x or just for a change or buy some yourself? Do you think your husband will be upset with you or take it as criticism? Otherwise this feels a simple ask that wouldn’t obviously cause friction.

Friday night at the pub - again unless there are some friendship issues it would be ok to say I’ve had a hectic week I’m going to give this week a miss see you next time. Or can you go for a couple of drinks then go home and have a bath and watch tv or get an earlier night? Or would you prefer to go out for dinner with them, go somewhere different have friends over to you ? Maybe you don’t want to do the same thing every week? Are there other people you want to spend time with? Do you just want to mix things up a bit?

Neighbour - Have a stack of excuses to disengage.These things can be awkward and it’s just keeping things friendly enough with neighbours.

Family things can be harder and there is often some compromise but def ask about your mum’s diaries that sounds really important. Maybe drop your dad a note about seeing him alone. I’m not sure of the back story here but sounds like you need some emotional support or connection with your dad.

If some of these issues really bother you and your work and home life seem imbalanced why not have some life coaching or counselling. It can be really helpful to have a space to think things through and work out what’s important to you or to work through some feelings. This might help you feel more empowered in your personal life.

If I told my neighbour to keep it short because I have things to do and places to be, I would feel embarrassed by my own rudeness.

But you don’t have to say “keep it short”, just say it’s lovely to see you but I need to get on, take care

Prepare yourself a few phrases you feel comfortable saying and use them

Why is saying that you have other things you need/want to do rude?!

There is lots at play here to do with emotional programming received as a child

Read up on Codependence and boundaries

Some examples
Pia Mellody Facing Codependence

Spotify - Terri Cole podcast on boundaries

Article in boundaries in marriage
Boundaries