Would you forgive an emotional affair? I have a baby

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9 month old DS, light of my/our worlds.

DH has confessed to me he has been having an emotional affair. Well, noticed a connection with another female colleague months ago, they both felt it was there but recognised it and stepped away from each other. She needed support the other day in a relative emergency and he went to offer that help and lied to me about where he went. He admitted when he got back and profusely apologised, could’ve been physical but I doubt it because he has confessed to everything else and went out having not showered in more than a day & for other identifiable reasons I won’t disclose, it’s exceptionally unlikely- I also know where he was. It doesn’t change that there was an obvious emotional interest and connection for him to. He is apologetic and hasn’t been defensive, says he’s an idiot and has fucked up and that he has no control over what I decide to do now and respects he has made a series of shit and destructive choices.

I feel so hurt, honestly. I’ve just had his baby. It feels like there is no respect or honesty to me because he lied about who he was going to see until confronted and withheld that info from me.

Equally, we have a house, and otherwise good marriage, our beautiful baby and I wanted to be part time after mat leave and all of our worlds will just change massively if I decide to leave over this.

The trust is gone and I feel deceived and that’s the difficult part for me, because honesty and trust are naturally so important in a marriage. He has said he knows if he wants any slither of chance of forgiveness he’ll have to do a lot of work to rebuild my trust up. Saying all the right things I suppose. It was out of character for him to do something like this so has knocked me for six.

I’m young, it’s early on in our marriage, I know mistakes can happen but I fear this happening again . He’d be worse off if we separated as he has no family support and I am better off financially.

Sorry this is garbled, I just don’t know what to do and if many people forgive this sort of thing or if it’s a true colours moment.

Firstly, sorry you are going through this while also having a 9 month kid.
No, I wouldn't want to (and wouldn't need to) forgive such a behaviour if it was my husband. I'm at least two decades older than you, but even in my twenties it would be a no brainer.
You are better off financially, that's (quite) rare, but brilliant. I would slowly get my practical bits ready and in my own time start a life just with my son.
Unfortunately, my respect for husband would be lost. The vast majority of them are weaklings.
Good luck. 🍀

What does he propose doing to restore trust? Sounds vague and meaningless.

How did the confession come about,did you have any idea?

An emotional affair takes time to build up. It isn't just one incident. Whether you are speaking or not it is about awareness of the other party. He had a connection with this woman, and in a moment of crisis he is who she thought to call; and he attended.

Don't rush, but I'd plan to leave. A nice house isn't worth being with someone who is thinking about someone else

I think it depends on how remorseful he is.

If he is absolutely distraught at what he's done and wants to make it up to you by counselling etc then consider working on it and see how it goes.

But if not then you are better parting whilst your baby is young because he will just do it again.

sorry you are going through this

I think it's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to tell you to leave. You've admitted that your marriage is generally good. DH and this other woman stepped away from each other before it spilled over into something physical.

That being said, you say it's fairly early on in your marriage. If you felt that you could regain trust I'd be encouraging him to find another job. If you can't regain the trust then, that being the bedrock of any relationship, I'd say yours is sadly over.

Best of luck OP, what sad circumstances.

Firstly, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and at this particular stage, with a baby so small and precious.
I don't think anyone on here can give you the answer you need: at best, you'll have statistical information about what the posters who answer imagine they would do hypothetically, or have actually done in their specific situation.
You are young, and have a young child and a young marriage. You do not need him, financially. You have family support. Some people will tell you to "leave the bastard", as it is very common here (and maybe rightly so). I personally would advise you to take your time and do not rush: you are in a very "privileged" position in the sense that you do not depend on him. However, raising a child alone comes with its high challenges, so the decision has to be made carefully and thoughtfully.
If you decide to wait and see (which, in general and when there's no danger present, I believe is the most sensible approach to most situations), do so knowing that you'd be doing it from a magnanimous position. With all that it entails.
You point at the lack of respect from the father of your child: I agree. He is not (and hasn't been) up to par with you. And he must fix this. If you wait and stay, do so with the understanding that he must learn to respect you. And if he doesn't, well, the decision is made.
But you are the one who wears the crown: own it and demand the respect you deserve, whichever way you think it's the most sensible and useful for you and your child.
Good luck 🙏💐

Why does your husband need to apologise for having a female friend? "Emotional affair" is a term used solely by the paranoid.

Early on in your marriage and hes done this? Getting involved with someone else isn't a mistake, forgetting to put the bins out and missing the binmen is a mistake.

For me the trust would be broken and without trust you have absolutely nothing. For what it’s worth we also have a 1 year old and I would be leaving over this- life is too short to have constant worries and doubts about the person you spend it with. I have no desire to spend my life worrying every time his phone beeps, or he’s slightly late home, or he has a work night etc, not worth it

How did you find out? Did he confess because you found out or did he tell you out of guilt before you knew? If he confessed due to being caught, then it's likely he's remorseful simply because he was caught. If he felt guilty and confessed before you knew, then any remorse he's feeling is likely to be more genuine. This woman had a crisis, after you knew and he rushed to comfort her and lied to you. That's not the behaviour of a man who's remorseful!! Your husband claims to want to build trust up again and wants to stay in the marriage. How does he propose to do that??? He can say anything, but his actions determine how genuine those words are! At the absolute least he needs to find a new job (I appreciate that's not easy in the current economic climate), end any contact with this woman and you go to couples/individual counselling. The fact you're early into your marriage, and he's having an emotional affair already, doesn't bode well for the future. Has he given you any explanation as to why??? Whatever caused your husband to get close to another woman, needs to be discussed in counselling, because unless it's resolved, it will happen again. You need an honest conversation with him. If you decide to go down the counselling route, then time will tell if the situation has been resolved. However, if it doesn't get resolved, end the relationship, don't waste years on a man who doesn't deserve it, life is too short for that.

Don’t lie to yourself. They have probably had sex.

but remember for most men sex means nothing. Nothing at all.

yes he’s weak and that’s unattractive.

but who has he chosen to be with? That’s your conundrum. Do you think he will choose you because he loves you?

Did he admit everything only because he was rumbled?

Did He seem genuinely upset at his behaviour and the thought of potentially losing you, or just parroting the right words that you'd want to hear?

Do you think you could ever get to a stage where you might forgive him, or would you always be fearful of it happening again?

He may have said the right things, but actions are always more meaningful than words. Only you can decide if there's anything worth saving, and what you would expect from him going forward to rebuild the trust eg, counselling, new job, no secrecy etc.

I dont think I could.

Even if I wanted to I dont think I could forgive it.

Id always feel insecure and distrustful. Id feel anxious every time he interacted with women. Id be questioning his every movement and I'd struggle to believe anything he said.

I'd just torture myself and I know myself, I'd throw it in his face at every opportunity for the rest of my life.

It would be miserable for both of us.

Edit - and I would never believe he hadn't been balls deep in her every chance he got. Never.

Why did he do it? Has he said?

As previously said- take your time to decide. Some partners don't adapt well to becoming parents and look for validation elsewhere for any number of reasons. But these are decisions he has made that each time did not put you and your young family first. That's not teamwork and you should be concerned about his lack of maturity, sense of responsibility and self awareness. I've experienced this and the pattern of putting himself or others first eventually eroded the relationship. The signs were there very early on. But take your time and good luck.

ABSOLUTELY NOT

How much does he do for the baby? At 9 months, if this happened to me, he’d do bath or bedtime, clean up dinner and all the night wakes 5 nights a week, I’d ideally sleep in another room. For at least a month for some perspective on how he had the extra energy and headspace to focus on someone else, while you looked after your baby. But mine were terrible sleepers so he’d be up at 10, 12, 2 and 5 am with them and he’d learn something of why the poor lamb might have felt less cherished than usual, opening him up to an emotional affair. Because you were busy looking after the baby and that’s a seriously fucking big load.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I went through similar when my ds was just a couple of months older than your little one and it's awful because when you have a child, in my experience anyway, it's the first time you feel like you really actually depend on your spouse especially when you're on mat leave and feeling emotionally fragile, sleep deprived and going through a bit of an identity shift.

I did try to forgive, we went for couples and individual counselling for months and he cut all contact with her. We recognised a few issues in our marriage like having very little couples time etc and tried to make more time for that. I gave myself one year and really threw myself into it and I really felt like I could see him trying and being very remorseful, but even with it was like something in me had died and I just couldn't feel the same way about him again. 7 months after that I then found out he had actually been doing the same but with someone else and had hidden that through all the counselling etc. I left him immediately and while it's not easy, I know I can tell ds I did all I could to look after our family and his dad made different choices. My main motivation for working at it was the thought of having to part with ds for custody arrangements. At that point to me it was just unbearable the thought of it. His dad has since decided not to be involved at all so the separation is not a problem at the minute but that was the one thing I couldn't get past- that he'd risk his (and my) ability to see our child every day when really we were so lucky with what we had and on the surface we'd always had a great relationship. It's such a truly selfish thing to do and I've been in therapy consistently since it happened.

Noone here can really answer this for you op. There are couples who get past it but first you will still need to grieve the relationship you had because its gone forever. The question is if you can get to a place where you build something new but you'll always know that he has this in him and you'll never forget it. If you can't, that's okay - your child deserves a mummy who has good self esteem and her head held high and who is respected and cared for properly. If you can't trust him to do that and if you think he could do it again, then there's no shame whatsoever in walking away and you will be just fine.

I also wanted to be part time when I returned to work after mat leave and because of what stbxh had done I decided to return full time because I couldn't risk not being financially stable if I needed to leave and a part time wage would have been too tight for me to juggle rent and bills on my own. I also started to save harder into a rainy day pot of my own that he didn't have access to and I was glad if it when more came out and I did leave.

Is important you talk to people in real life about this. Firstly, because he doesn't deserve your secrecy at the expense of your getting support. Secondly, because the person who hurt you can't be the person to heal you. And thirdly because you're going through something hard and you deserve support. That being said, while I do think you should talk to friends and family you trust, I'd also get counselling of your own. It can feel like a lot trying to manage lots of unsolicited opinions as well as his feelings and opinions and it's important you have space and time to process what you actually want/ need/ think.

If you do decide to give this a chance he'll need to have absolute transparency with you from here on in and he needs to leave that job and have zero contact with this woman going forward. If she has a partner I'd be tempted to tell them (I did tell my exes ap's spouse because I wished someone had told me and also i wanted to corroborate his story) .

You didn't deserve this op, there's no excuse for his behaviour and if he's trying to excuse it in any way - impact of a baby, you being less available, she threw herself at him, stress, etc etc etc - then you can't work through it. He needs to hold himself fully and completely accountable and accept he did it because he's selfish and was prepared to hurt you and your child to put his own needs first. Hearing it is shit, but that's the reality and he needs to accept that totally in order for you to have a chance at moving on.

So he's got a friend that he noticed a mutual connection and temptation with and took steps to remove himself from that. Then went to her aid as a friend in an emergency and nothing sexual happened.

Maybe I'm alone here but I'm not sure there's much to forgive. Marriage isn't a guarantee that you'll never be tempted or never find something attractive, it's about what you do about out.

I'd be surprised if in our lives together my husband or I didn't at some point have a crush. There's a guy who I always had a thing for, and although I love my husband immeasurably and we are v happy, that connection spark will always be there. So I distance myself, but if he needed me for something I'd be there because I care. I'd just take a lot of care that I didn't get more emotionally attached. As it is I haven't seen him for years.

My husband may get similar about someone. Who knows. It's his business as long as he is responsible about it.

But what happened during this emotional affair. Did they just talk online, meet up over a drink/ dinner to chat ..... or were they posting naughty photos and being suggestive to each other?

I think if it was online and chatty that's one thing entirely. I could easily forgive that as they are just friends with a crush. But if they were wanking off to each others photos, meeting up secretively and walking through the park holding hands etc ...... I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

I think you are being very naive if you think he has told OP the whole truth.

He will have told her the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

They will have sex. And he rushed round there to give her "support" so that support will have involved physical contact.

I don't see how OP can ever trust him going , particularly if he is still working with this woman he has admitted he has feelings for.

I’ve had an emotional affair. It sneaks up on you. It’s not like a physical affair that is about sex where you make a decision to cheat. It starts perfectly innocently. Then one day you realize that your friendship is inappropriate and needs to end if you are committed to your marriage.

when he had the realization that he crossed a line, he should have cut things off. No more contact ever again.

If he won’t make a recommitment to your marriage, there is no point in worrying about forgiveness.

Sometimes confessions like this are not what they seem. They’re not always about forgiveness, they can be about hoping the other person ends the relationship. If he met up with her again after confessing to you, he doesn’t want forgiveness, he wants out. Grant him his wish.

His actions have shown you that you aren’t enough for him, not something I would live with, find someone who appreciates you.