DH reaction to divorce is a bit too cheery!

[ThunkedThoughts]

Just wondering from those that have gone through it, did any of your DHs (ExHs) react strangely when you asked for a separation or divorce? I think my DH is in major denial. It's been a few days now and he seems to be on some sort of high. I've never seen him so cheerful. And it's not because he wants to divorce; I think he is in crisis. He is convinced if he just loves me hard enough, says sorry enough, and is so PEPPY and HAPPY that somehow I will change my mind. He is grovelling and being Disney Dad, and suddenly keen to actually help around the house. A complete personality transplant from the last 2 or 3, possibly 5, maybe even 10 years?

I am trying to gently bring him along, and I am not giving him any false hope. I feel like I am being firm but not mean. I gently correct him and tell him I deserve to be happy and this is what I want but he is 100% convinced right now that he can provide that for me. He can't.

For context, he was emotionally abusive to myself and my child all of last year and had more generally exited from 95% of all household and parenting duties. i.e. never did school runs, bedtimes, bath times, meals, anything medical or emotional. He sometimes took to stonewalling, generally ignored any interaction with me (I make all decisions alone now), and I was walking on eggshells at home, as was my child. I tried so hard but at some point I detached and now I'm strong enough to move forwards alone, given that I am doing it all anyway. I have not taken this decision lightly and I'm looking forward to my future.

Can anyone relate? If this was your experience, how long did this last and what happened next? I am half expecting a period of anger but I'm not sure? It's quite unnerving. Can we go from this to acceptance??

I don't want this to drag on too long but I'm happy for it to be gentle enough that we can stay on good-ish terms for co-parenting, if that's possible.

Yes...he has just realised that his life is about to change....keep telling him you've made this decision based on all the years you have mentioned....good luck for the future

Sounds like he didn't have the balls to make the decision himself and pre notification of divorce he was in a state of depression.
The decision has now been made for him.

Sounds like he has wanted to leave but didnt have the bottle to do it.

oh and he will have a new girlfriend in 2 months.

Is he saying ‘I will improve, don’t go, look how happy I am!’
or
‘I’m delighted we are getting a divorce’

He is not your friend. He will use your child to get to you. It is not your job to soften any blows for him, it’s not your problem where he goes or what he does.
I know you’re thinking ’let’s be nice for the sake of the kids’. He’s not thinking that, he hasn’t for a long time now.

When XDH was presented with the hard facts he also had a personality transplant from controlling and selfish to loving and considerate.

Unfortunately he didn't realise this just made things worse - it showed he knew all along he was doing things that made me deeply unhappy but had just carried on because he thought he could get away with it.

I should have just said "it's too late, you had many many chances over the years but burned through them, I am divorcing you" on repeat.

I did waver. When the final break happened he was internet dating within 3 weeks. A wise therapist pointed out that this was (in a very weird way) a compliment - he realised he couldn't have me any more, and this was the closest he could get to having me back. It certainly made things a bit easier.

We all hope for an anger-free considerate divorce; sadly for most of us we have to prep for some ugly moments along the way.

Agreed - he'll have new pair of knickers before the next full moon.

I'd also say watch for someone coming out of the woodwork OP. But don't pay it too much mind, just crack on and get it done. It's unlikely to be "gentle" and it's not your job to try to make it so.

Look at his behaviour so far which led you to this point, and then expect this and more, in waves, interspersed with other tactics such as what you're seeing now.

Get a solicitor, head down, through and out.

It’s a power move, he’s going into the ‘but I’m really ever so nice’ act to make you doubt yourself and remember the good times that you had when you first met him.

He will keep up the pretence until he’s won you back and this cruel manipulation will then turn on its head and you will see his true colours again as he is cruel to you and your children.

Then he will dump you so that he can tell everyone that he was the instigator.

He is a nasty little toad, don’t ever fall
for his fake charms.

The first things I thought of when I saw this post which the abuse mentioned was, he already has someone else and didn’t have the balls to tell you and has now been let off the hook, or he thinks you will change your mind. Be careful as if it is the latter he may be physical if he feels backed into a corner and can’t control you anymore. I was married and never for one second he could hit me, until he did. Just be aware and I hope you manage to navigate this smoothly

Just to echo the poster above, be careful OP because when he finally realises that you mean it, his true colours will come out and he may be quite nasty - as well as suddenly having a new partner.

I agree...he will become BEASTLY if his love bombing doesn't work

Cycle of abuse.
Flowers and efforts to get you to change mind
When you do will be back to old self

Think of it as it s great he can be nice when he wants to but you do not want to be in the cycle any more.

It has just dawned on him this is going to cost him money, pension etc.
Don't fall for it... he hasn't changed... he has just changed tactics.

Aww op this must be really strange for you to be around,
Keep to your plan, op good luck 💐

He's not your friend. That's what you need to remember.

^^
I am trying to gently bring him along,
Can anyone relate? If this was your experience, how long did this last and what happened next? I am half expecting a period of anger but I'm not sure? It's quite unnerving. Can we go from this to acceptance??

Over a year now and officially divorced. He moved out, a few doors down and still pops in every now and then all breezy like he still lives here, messages me to check I haven’t had a change if heart etc 🙄

After years of lies, me finding out and challenging him, my ex decided we should split! Having announced this to our teenagers (without preparing me for the discussion. We had yet to decide how to break it to them) he couldn't wait to bounce out the door leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Literally the following weekend he turned up at my sons football match to chat to other parents and announced loudly ' Oops! Should go and chat to the ex-wife!' It was pretty humiliating as I was trying to process and navigate emotions. Friends said he was almost excited about being the centre of attention! If it was relief, as I suspect, he had no worries about how happy he was being in front of our friends, or empathy for the position the kids and I were in. Very odd behaviour.
He was in a new relationship with three months!!

Thank you PPs for all your excellent insight and advice.

I don't think he has another woman but if he got someone soon, it might make this easier for me! I think he's just in shock (and shit scared!) and arrogance & ignorance has led him to believe I'd always put up with his behaviour. I 100% will be moving forwards and absolutely won't be falling for this act.

It's weird watching him this manic and I'm definitely on the alert for a sudden change in behaviour. He hasn't really got anyone else (friends, family) so ultimately I'm expecting him to take this very badly. Wondering about popping a bag in my boot in case I need to leave at speed at any point. Will be finding a solicitor next week and currently getting ducks in a row, as they say.

I think the bag in your boot is a very good idea, OP. Also, hide documents, passports, valuables, sentimental items. Could you take them to your mum's or a friend's house?

This is a really good idea

This was my experience. The next step was anger that he couldn't control me.

Seriously, be careful. It may be that he wanted a divorce and he is happy. But if he is like my exH, he thought by being super nice, he could win me back. Like you, I was gentle and nice and thought we could go our separate ways amicably. And exH was sort of manic in his niceness too, it was weird.

When he realized we were over, he turned NASTY. It was awful. It was 8 years ago and I still have ptsd from it. I ended up giving him an enormous amount of money (well, for me) for him to finally leave it. The courts questioned it as they didn't think the financial agreement was fair but I had no choice, I needed to be free of him and leaving me with NOTHING was the only way he was happy.

Also, while he acted very broken hearted at first, within 6 months of me asking for the divorce initially he had moved in a new girlfriend and he married her right after our divorce was settled. God help her.

Why is it that nasty men, when they're finally called out, turn it all around and act as if you were the abusive one?

I wasn’t in an abusive or particularly bad relationship, he was just not pulling his weight.
Even after he’d moved out he was telling friends I’d be coming to my senses soon and we’d be back together. 🤣
He was a bit shitty about seeing the kids - cancelling at the last minute, and insinuating it was all my fault, but we got through that.
We were good friends for a while but he has since married and fucked over his kids with an inheritance issue in favour of his new wife and her kids, so they are not bothered with him anymore.