DH reaction to divorce is a bit too cheery!

[ThunkedThoughts]

Just wondering from those that have gone through it, did any of your DHs (ExHs) react strangely when you asked for a separation or divorce? I think my DH is in major denial. It's been a few days now and he seems to be on some sort of high. I've never seen him so cheerful. And it's not because he wants to divorce; I think he is in crisis. He is convinced if he just loves me hard enough, says sorry enough, and is so PEPPY and HAPPY that somehow I will change my mind. He is grovelling and being Disney Dad, and suddenly keen to actually help around the house. A complete personality transplant from the last 2 or 3, possibly 5, maybe even 10 years?

I am trying to gently bring him along, and I am not giving him any false hope. I feel like I am being firm but not mean. I gently correct him and tell him I deserve to be happy and this is what I want but he is 100% convinced right now that he can provide that for me. He can't.

For context, he was emotionally abusive to myself and my child all of last year and had more generally exited from 95% of all household and parenting duties. i.e. never did school runs, bedtimes, bath times, meals, anything medical or emotional. He sometimes took to stonewalling, generally ignored any interaction with me (I make all decisions alone now), and I was walking on eggshells at home, as was my child. I tried so hard but at some point I detached and now I'm strong enough to move forwards alone, given that I am doing it all anyway. I have not taken this decision lightly and I'm looking forward to my future.

Can anyone relate? If this was your experience, how long did this last and what happened next? I am half expecting a period of anger but I'm not sure? It's quite unnerving. Can we go from this to acceptance??

I don't want this to drag on too long but I'm happy for it to be gentle enough that we can stay on good-ish terms for co-parenting, if that's possible.

I'm sorry for your terrible experience @BedtimeWorries889 and thank you for sharing your advice.

I have moved some sentimental items away from the home and working on the documentation. I want to logically gather it up and get copies. Unfortunately I can't access most of his stuff but I'll get what I can.

It's interesting a lot of these men move on so quickly! They just can't manage on their own, can they!?

Do you think he is a bit manic or is he having some kind of breakdown? That sounds worrying that he is so happy and also that he has nobody else in his life that he can turn to.

I hope you will be alright and glad you have an escape plan.
you are doing the right thing x

Sounds like he was awful cos he didn’t like you, but didn’t have the bottle to instigate himself and is now happy as he is getting rid of you, it’s a common reaction in those that rnt brave enough to do what’s needed.

In my experience, three times divorced (yes I know) it's better to just get on with it ASAP. They will get angry when they realise their too late good behaviour isn't working. Don't bother considering their feelings. It doesn't work.

The longer you are in the same house, the worse the erratic behavior can get. In some
ways it is understandable. The end of a marriage is awful for both of you. You need to be free to experience your emotions, but you are there together, trapped side by side.

the faster you can handle the logistics, the better this will be for everyone.

and yes, definitely pack a go bag. Everyone going through a divorce should. You never know when the most mild mannered spouse is going to turn.

Definitely take safety steps...men like this are most dangerous when rejected

Not your job to handhold him through all this. Focus on yourself and your children. It sounds like you checked out long ago. Nobody changes as much as he has overnight - he’ll slide back into old habits in no time.

A bag in the boot is a good idea.

Yes to the bag in the boot. Well done for saying enough of this shit! No looking back now ❤️

It's either he's relieved and wants out, so of course he's happy.
Or, he's trying to get you to change your mind. Problem with that is he's now showing you it was always a choice and he was choosing to dump 95% of everything on you and treat you like crap to boot.

Either way, you'll be well rid of the arsehole. STand firm.

But you said that he's "convinced if he just loves me hard enough, says sorry enough, and is so PEPPY and HAPPY that somehow I will change my mind. He is grovelling and being Disney Dad, and suddenly keen to actually help around the house. A complete personality transplant from the last 2 or 3, possibly 5, maybe even 10 years?"

So he's not happy. He's in denial.

And yes, as things become more clearly obvius that you really mean this divorce, his behaviour will change and all the negative, controlling behaviours will come back x 100.

Did you read the post? The OP says he assumes he can win her back.

To be honest, being separated for a year and hopefully amicably divorced by end of this one, I feel generally positive and upbeat and excited by the future. Of course that is negated by all the downsides, I'm losing a lot of my wealth to my wife, she will have my son and the cats and just all the anxiety and the other stuff involved. But the overall feeling is one of positivity, the start of a new chapter. It could be he's just seeing the upside of the future and feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and isn't considering the downsides yet, but I wouldn't underestimate that he might see it as a net positive overall, I don't think any of us really know the minds of our partners if you have reached the point of separation