Would you ever go there with a childhood friend?

[welcometotheblackparadee]

If you'd known someone since you were 12 & 14, and were now 35 & 37, always had a lot of affection for each other but in a platonic way and had recently started spending more time in person together recently, where you've notice a little change and some tension/light flirting, would you "go there" romantically/sexually?

Have you ever? Did it work out and you lived happily ever after or did it mess everything up?

I married mine 😂👰

@ButtSurgery I can't decide if that's the answer I want to hear or not

I'm in a relationship with someone I knew at primary school, we went to different secondary schools and hadn't seen each other for over 20 years until a couple of years ago, when we just met up as old friends, and it's blossomed from there.

Absolutely if a spark is there

I'm just over 2 years into a relationship with someone I was friends with in secondary school. We always liked each other and there was definitely 'something' there. He's 3 years older than me though so we never 'went there' when we were younger and I ended up moving away for around 16 years. Reconnected and we've had the best time. I have never had anything feel so right. We are now actively building a life and a future together - bought a house together a few months ago 😊💕

I love this so much!

I think the worry is that, despite there being that underlying tension, and he’s openly said his mum would be over the moon if we ever got together, I’m imagining a scenario where it doesn’t work and I’ve lost a long time friend?

It hasn't happened to me but if there was a spark I would!

The fear of losing a good friend was exactly what held a friend of mine back - until it didn't, and they are still happily together.

Can you see yourself having sex with him?
I get where you’re coming from as I’ve had the closeness with a friend (before I was married). We went all through schools and college together and firm friends - still are. I could never see myself having sex with him though.

Oh god yes 😅 he’s grown from the gangly teen I gossiped and grew up with to an extremely attractive man.

the biceps alone are enough to get other women having a look. And where before I’d happily wingman for him, when we were out having some drinks and playing pool at the weekend I would’ve been jealous if someone else had approached him.

Tbh, if the attraction is that strong, you have in some ways already lost the simple friendship.

And would you feel better if another woman were squeezing his biceps because you didn’t want to risk the friendship? You clearly wouldn’t.

FWIW, I had a mid-20s fling with a good friend who I’d had a huge crush on at secondary school and who had, amazingly, also had a crush on me. It petered out pretty quickly but, after some initial bumpiness, we were able to return to the friendship and are still friends now decades later.

This sounds very promising - don’t let it go by you because you’re hung up on preserving your platonic friendship.

You risk the loss of a friend l suppose but you have the opportunity for so much more! Plus a friend is less likely to let you down.

@Dery Honestly, I'm surprised with the strength of my reaction/feelings.

I think if there hadn't been a feeling that it might be reciprocate, I'd have rolled my eyes at myself and gotten over it all very quickly.

We did make a marriage pact as kids that if we're both still single when he turns 40 we'd shack up together; suppose if nothing happens I've only got 3 years to wait 😐

… and what if he meets someone in 2.75 years OP. In the nicest possible way, knickers off, now!

@welcometotheblackparadee - I can see it’s unclear but I intended “squeezing his biceps” as a euphemism.

To be clear: how would you feel if he got together with someone else because you didn’t want to risk the friendship? Will you be glad that you have at least retained the friendship (which may fade anyway if he becomes committed to someone else)? Or will you be kicking yourself for letting a promising romantic prospect go by you?

Frankly, when I first met my now DH at work, I took the view that I didn’t meet available, interesting men with whom there was a mutual attraction often enough for me to pass up a chance of something with my now DH just because we worked together. Maybe you have lots of promising romantic prospects and are comfortable letting this one go by you. But if that were the case, you probably wouldn’t be posting about him on MN.

Honestly, OP: you’re not at school any more. The time is now!!!

Yes, I’ve done it, however in a terrible way. Best friends as teens and always secretly loved each other, kept a torch burning through our long marriages. Early 40s when marriages were ending got together — the sex and intimacy and love of it scared him so much he said he couldn’t bear it and now won’t speak to me at all. Bad.

@Dery I'd 100% kick myself but would rather he was happy and keep the friendship, although I am completely aware that if/when he met someone it would naturally cool down.

@ChersHandbag the sex and intimacy and love of it scared him so much he said he couldn’t bear it and now won’t speak to me at all. Bad. This is a big worry. In the back of my head, because we know each other SO well, and adore one another regardless of our glaring faults, would/could it be too intense/much?

I am way too invested so I’m going to post again - feel free to ignore!

“I’d rather he was happy and keep the friendship” - look, you’re either into this guy enough to take a chance and give it a whirl or in fact you’re not really that bothered and you can comfortably see him with someone else without being too troubled by it. Only you know which one it is. I thought at the start that it was probably the former; now I think it’s the latter.

I mean: what about the happiness you and he could share rather than this ostentatiously self-sacrificial “I’d be kicking myself but at least he’d be happy” rubbish!?!? What did you learn growing up? That you have no right to happiness?

You’re looking for reasons not to go there.

If he settles down with someone else, you may well lose the friendship anyway - a pulsating physical attraction between you and him might be a reason why he steps back out of respect for the woman he’s dating (instead of you because you didn’t want to risk your friendship).

Plenty of posters have said they or their friends have done this and it’s been great. I told you that I’d done something similar and it didn’t have staying power romantically but after a very brief bumpy patch our friendship was as strong as ever.

But you’re focussing on the few posts which talk about this going wrong.

As I mentioned upthread, maybe this kind of exciting possibility happens for you a lot so it’s easy for you to walk away on this occasion.

Maybe you’re avoidant and prefer the thought of romance to the reality. Maybe you know some significant red flags which you prefer not to share but which mean he’s not such a promising prospective partner after all.

I can only speculate as to why you’re looking for reasons not to do this. They’re obviously valid to you. To me, it looks like you’re planning to pass up the chance of something that could be fabulous in the interests of a currently okay status quo as friends, which will likely be lost if either of you settle down anyway.

OP life is too short, this sounds like it really has potential. Definitely go for it.

You said yourself you’ll be jealous if someone else comes along. Don’t wait.

I did exactly that about 20 years ago. We have been together ever since.

We were both in the same groupd of friends at school. If you had suggested to either of us at that age that we would end up together we would both have laughed. After school everyone went to different universities and we hardly saw each other. A few years later we found ourselves both back in our hometown and one thing led to another.

go for it!
I did it and live with mine now we have the best relationship and always say we're both so glad we waited until we we're older as we first became friends at 12/13yrs old had a few years in relationships with other people and still ended up together 😂now 23 & 24 loving life xx

Not if we had a close, long term friendship. I'd be too worried that a failed romantic / sexual relationship would wreck it. I'd value the 20 years (and whatever is in the future) of close friendship too much to risk it.

If the person was more distant, more of a childhood friend I reconnected with in adulthoood, things would be different. I'd be much more likely to give it a try.

OP what happened with mine was because of the type of guy my friend is, his family history. His mum abandoned him when he was little and he’s always been very protected. I think he couldn’t quite handle the idea of being loved despite all his faults, so deeply and unconditionally. Which is sad, as until that point our friendship had been that one solid rock thing.

Is your guy securely attached in general? That’ll give you a clue how it’ll go.

Yes definitely.