Looking for some balanced views, please.

[LetsLiveLife]

Apologies I have this thread in "sex" forum as well but feel it may be relevant here also. admin pls merge delete if not right

DH and I are both in our early-40s and have been together for over 20 years. We’ve worked hard to build a relationship based on trust, respect, love and a really solid intimacy, and neither of us wants to jeopardise that.

His biggest turn-on is the idea of me with another man—border-line poly arrangements and all that. I actually enjoy the fantasy talk in the moment: I’ll sometimes even prompt him—ask who he’s picturing, suggest a scenario, or describe how many men and what kinkier things they’re supposedly doing with me. On a few occasions it’s genuinely aroused me and I’ve told him how turned-on I feel seeing myself in that fantasy. Me expressing that pleasure seems to have given him impression that I’d also enjoy it in real life. He has said he’d be turned on watching me with other men but only if it was something I naturally wanted, not something I did just to please him—but the line feels blurry.

Because I rarely initiate the kinky chat, he feels he’s always the one bringing it up and ends up worried he sounds needy. He’s admitted that knowing I’ve drawn a firm line leaves him thinking his deepest desire will never be met, and now that thought is creeping into our ordinary sex life. We’ve talked at length and can both see we’re at opposite ends on this.

I’ve said, openly, that if he ever felt he needed to explore those desires elsewhere, I wouldn’t stop him—but I’m not comfortable taking part just to keep him happy. He says that even if he was attracted to another woman he still wouldn’t act on it, because he knows I’d be uncomfortable in an equivalent situation with another man. He doesn’t want to push me, yet worries he’ll always feel something is missing.

Has anyone managed to bridge a gap like this without sacrificing the relationship you’ve nurtured? What worked (or didn’t)? Any advice would be so appreciated.

I would hope that a solid relationship you've built over 20 years can withstand the idea that this is a fantasy, not something you're actually going to do. But you are both at that age when people can get consumed with the things they're now not going to achieve in life and can feel quite eaten up by it. I would say this is about him having enough else in his life that is meaningful so that this fantasy doesn't assume a towering level of importance. Maybe counselling, either together or just for him, would be the way forward.

His time to explore his fantasies was before making a commitment to a monogamous relationship. Lots of people feel like they've 'missed out' and many discover that reality doesn't match the fantasy.

You've made it clear how you feel and have given him the option to leave. Time for him to move on.

You’re not comfortable with it.

Thats it.

He needs to move on.

Maybe find some threads on here to show him and he’ll see that often fantasies in the bedroom turning into realities ends in a broken marriage.

what does move on mean for us ? is it us separating due to sexual incompatibility now ? Is it really a solution

Would like to hear from couples who have gone and started open relationships after many years of monogamy what was there exp and how does it feel now?

PS : My DH is aware of this thread and have shared with him the link so he can also see an outside in view

well people desires and fantasies change , it cannot be regimented that if you did not think 20 years back you can't now, even my desires and approach to sex have changed.

we are from a conservative background at our age in 20s these things were not open, sex was (& in some cases today) still seen as a taboo, experimenting different sexual approaches was never in our mind earlier

Fantasies are just that. They turn us on because they are not real life. He may think he wants to watch you with someone else — and maybe he would enjoy it but it’s not worth risking your relationship. My H fantasy has always been a threesome with another woman. He knows I’m not attracted to women so it would just be a performance and that’s not what he wants. We both agree it would be detrimental and would not add anything to our lives. I would be more interested in a threesome with another man and he in no way wants to see that so he understands why just because it’s someone’s fantasy doesn’t entail you have a right to that experience.

As a compromise you could role play. Wear wigs and dress up, meet at a bar and pretend to be different people if you are just looking to spice up your sex life. Don’t add someone else unless you are both enthusiastic participants. It will tank your intimacy and possibly your relationship.

Move on means get over it. It's not 'sexual incompatibility', he doesn't need a third person to have sex. He also doesn't need every fantasy indulged. You said that you don't want to do it so I don't know why you want anecdotes from people in open religion.

Well the time to sow his wild oats and experiment was before he made a commitment. If he chose not to because of hang ups, that's his problem. As a conservative I'm sure he understood what monogamy and commitment meant before marrying, so it can't be a shock.

He wants his cake and to eat it; the respectability of a committed relationship and to indulge his fantasies with other women.

Relationships, not religion.

I have the exact same fantasy as your husband, and quite frankly, my opinion is he needs to get over it.

DP knows about my fantasy, it came up once early on in the relationship when we were both talking about fantasies. It was very much a "Not a chance that's happening" from her so I dropped it. I'd much rather continue to have a relationship with DP than try to indulge in a fantasy that I might not even enjoy in real life

Occasionally over the years she's brought it up during sex, described having sex with someone else while masturbating me, or once she sat me in a chair while she performed with a dildo. But I'm perfectly clear that on these occasions she's doing these things for me, and it doesn't mean she'd want to do them in real life. Equally, I'll happily indulge her in some of her kinks occasionally that do absolutely nothing for me.

In our case, we're able to.indulge our fantasies on occasion without them becoming the focus of our sex lives. Your husband however @LetsLiveLife , doesn't seem able to do that, so I'd say it's ultimatum time. I'd tell him that his fantasy is threatening to destroy your sex life, and relationship, and that you're not willing to indulge it any more. If he's not willing to shut up about it completely, then he's welcome to bugger off and find a new relationship with someone else instead of you.

It feels to me that you are tiptoeing around him and his fantasies... why? You've told him that you are not interested in this in real life and it needs to remain a fantasy. That needs to be a hard line in the sand for him now. Move on or move out.

Stop indulging him!

My guess is that he's like a dripping tap; slowly and surely manipulating her into it.

Yeah. It's one of those fantasies that I'm sure would feel pretty sordid and grim in real life. Plus it kind of opens the floodgates for going further and further.

Isn't there a channel 4 programme called Open House where people do stuff like this? I feel like a whole world of hurt lies ahead unless both parties are completely into the idea.

I will talk about responses here with him.

@MiloMinderbinder925 yes the time may have gone but does not one cannot change or want something more, relationships, desires are not binary and stationary they change with what we explore, learn, experience - can't blame him for cultivating new desires.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots i like the approach you have with your DP. In my case I have not been forthcoming, or initiating any fantasies or kinkyness 95% of time it is him initiating that kinkiness and i really liked it..

"Your husband however ** , doesn't seem able to do that" -- yes, he does not seem to be able to let go his desires but is that wrong he has his desires he knows they will not get fulfilled as a person he will feel frustrated. For how long don't know, how will it effect his (& our) intimacy don't know. after these discussions and reading this thread he has gone very quiet, he may be reflecting or may be stepping away. he cares for me and our kids and in his discussions never pushed me and crossed any boundaries but he is having a realization that this may be the start of the end of our relationship..

@Arrivederla i will like to stop indulging him but there is a price we may pay, even if our relationship does not end our sex life will not be intimate anymore may be more vanilla which i like and he does not and he may not enjoy that any more (or who knows if his pov changes...), which may lead to relationship ending. Not what I want but may be sometimes it is good for both of us

@LetsLiveLife If his desires have irretrivably changed then he needs to finish the relationship and find someone more compatible. Stop treating him like a prince who needs every whim indulged.

@MiloMinderbinder925 so for his sexual desires change, i break the whole relationship, breakdown of this relationship is not only going to impact us but our whole family , my parents, his parents...is it really that easy decision ?

Of course, relationships break down all the time. If you're not longer sexually compatible and he can't move on from that, then he needs to divorce and enter a non monogamous relationship.

The only other option is that you're forced to have sex with other people which is abusive. Since that's apparently the only way he can enjoy sex, you're going to have sex with strangers throughout your marriage. Is that what you really want?

but that is why we are here to not break out relationship, i know they break everytime but sexual incompatibility should not be the only reason, yes there will be compromises to be made for both of us may be for some time till kids move to uni in 3-4 yrs, why break it now ? why not attempt to fix it . why not persevere ?

where did the assumption came that he will force me to have sex with other people - he is not saying that, which he already made clear, that whatever direction we go it will be each of us natural/self desire. Are you assuming something or associating our situation with some other?

You won't be breaking the relationship, he will!

He seems to have done a right number on you where he has convinced you that his fantasies are a need. They aren't a need but a want!

yes , he has told me that this is what he likes/needs/wants but also said that his need/want/desire should not be my need want desire. why will he break relationship as i said it will be different relationship which may not work in long run or may but there is no indication of relationship breaking.

i feel breaking a relationship is seen a easy way out

Do you really feel that the only choice you have is to split up or have sex with men that you don’t want? Is your husband that much of a selfish bastard? Every reply of yours is defending him and how he would be frustrated but he is trying to force you to have sex you don’t want, it’s all so fucked up.

no i don't feel that's the only choice, i have made clear my boundaries and he is not pressurizing me to have sex with other men.

yes he is selfish for his sexual fantasies but not pushing it on me....i am not defending him , yes he is frusturated as i am that we cannot come to a common ground right now...

"it’s all so fucked up." - you bet

OP if you wanted to be in an open marriage, you wouldn't be asking for advice. Sexual incompatibility, especially when it means completely changing the nature of your relationship and having sex with strangers against your wishes, is a very good reason to divorce.

There isn't a compromise though. You can't half-have sex with other men. You either do or you don't. Seems like you're already at the compromise position possible in having it as a fantasy you act out privately. How else do you think it could work, other than you agreeing to something you don't want to do? I don't think there's another answer to this. And if he feels he wants to end a 20 year emotional and sexual relationship, so that he can... still not get the thing he wants? then that's his choice but I think it would be a foolish one.

The other option I'm guessing he has in mind is to eventually talk you into it through continued sighing and moaning about how disappointed he is. You don't have to give in to that.

So in your head is the solution letting him have sex with other women while you have sex with only him, as you don’t want sex with other men?

If that scenario doesn’t bother you — go for it. If, in reality, it would kill your sense of worth and love for him then why drag it out? He has a choice to make. Is his sexual fantasy more important than you? I can tell you 100% I’m more important to my husband than a threesome. If he ever made me doubt that I’m not sure I would want to be with him. I’m not depriving him. I’m great! He gets lots of sex and I’m open to trying new things — I just want it to be between us. That’s my boundary and he’s never pushed me on it.

You started saying that he wants to see you with other men but I think from your updates he is actually saying he wants the freedom of being with other women and he’s cool with you being with other partners too and watching. So it’s not a desire to see you, it’s for someone different.