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Original poster

Looking for some balanced views, please.

36 replies

LetsLiveLife · 09/07/2025 00:29

Apologies I have this thread in "sex" forum as well but feel it may be relevant here also. admin pls merge delete if not right

DH and I are both in our early-40s and have been together for over 20 years. We’ve worked hard to build a relationship based on trust, respect, love and a really solid intimacy, and neither of us wants to jeopardise that.

His biggest turn-on is the idea of me with another man—border-line poly arrangements and all that. I actually enjoy the fantasy talk in the moment: I’ll sometimes even prompt him—ask who he’s picturing, suggest a scenario, or describe how many men and what kinkier things they’re supposedly doing with me. On a few occasions it’s genuinely aroused me and I’ve told him how turned-on I feel seeing myself in that fantasy. Me expressing that pleasure seems to have given him impression that I’d also enjoy it in real life. He has said he’d be turned on watching me with other men but only if it was something I naturally wanted, not something I did just to please him—but the line feels blurry.

Because I rarely initiate the kinky chat, he feels he’s always the one bringing it up and ends up worried he sounds needy. He’s admitted that knowing I’ve drawn a firm line leaves him thinking his deepest desire will never be met, and now that thought is creeping into our ordinary sex life. We’ve talked at length and can both see we’re at opposite ends on this.

I’ve said, openly, that if he ever felt he needed to explore those desires elsewhere, I wouldn’t stop him—but I’m not comfortable taking part just to keep him happy. He says that even if he was attracted to another woman he still wouldn’t act on it, because he knows I’d be uncomfortable in an equivalent situation with another man. He doesn’t want to push me, yet worries he’ll always feel something is missing.

Has anyone managed to bridge a gap like this without sacrificing the relationship you’ve nurtured? What worked (or didn’t)? Any advice would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsLiveLife · 09/07/2025 11:41

OchreRaven · 09/07/2025 11:02

So in your head is the solution letting him have sex with other women while you have sex with only him, as you don’t want sex with other men?

If that scenario doesn’t bother you — go for it. If, in reality, it would kill your sense of worth and love for him then why drag it out? He has a choice to make. Is his sexual fantasy more important than you? I can tell you 100% I’m more important to my husband than a threesome. If he ever made me doubt that I’m not sure I would want to be with him. I’m not depriving him. I’m great! He gets lots of sex and I’m open to trying new things — I just want it to be between us. That’s my boundary and he’s never pushed me on it.

You started saying that he wants to see you with other men but I think from your updates he is actually saying he wants the freedom of being with other women and he’s cool with you being with other partners too and watching. So it’s not a desire to see you, it’s for someone different.

no this is not what we are trying, he made it clear that he will not be happy with another woman knowingly my view and my boundaries.

"he is actually saying he wants the freedom of being with other women and he’s cool with you being with other partners too and watching. So it’s not a desire to see you, it’s for someone different." - i don't think that's the case but don't know - when we talk about this thread in the evening will see his view also

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 09/07/2025 12:17

This is why you need to get to the bottom of what he is truly ‘missing’ from your sexual relationship. Because if it’s as you first explained — he has a deep seated need to watch you with another man but you don’t have a desire to do this then what would be the point in breaking up? He won’t get to see you with another man if he’s not with you either. If instead he wants to watch any woman be with another man (voyeurism), or to have sex with another woman creating an ‘open’ relationship i.e. polygamy or swinging. Only in those scenarios where he wants another woman, would it make sense to end the relationship.

There is another possibility — it’s the man part that turns him on. Maybe he’s not as straight as he believed and wants to explore his sexuality.

He needs to explain exactly what it is that he is looking for. Because if he’s honest in what he said about not manipulating or coercing you into having sex with another man, and that’s the fantasy — you with another man, then what other alternative than for him to let it go?

Original poster
LetsLiveLife · 09/07/2025 12:24

OchreRaven · 09/07/2025 12:17

This is why you need to get to the bottom of what he is truly ‘missing’ from your sexual relationship. Because if it’s as you first explained — he has a deep seated need to watch you with another man but you don’t have a desire to do this then what would be the point in breaking up? He won’t get to see you with another man if he’s not with you either. If instead he wants to watch any woman be with another man (voyeurism), or to have sex with another woman creating an ‘open’ relationship i.e. polygamy or swinging. Only in those scenarios where he wants another woman, would it make sense to end the relationship.

There is another possibility — it’s the man part that turns him on. Maybe he’s not as straight as he believed and wants to explore his sexuality.

He needs to explain exactly what it is that he is looking for. Because if he’s honest in what he said about not manipulating or coercing you into having sex with another man, and that’s the fantasy — you with another man, then what other alternative than for him to let it go?

may be some scenarios how I think this might move fwd

  1. He accepts and we both try different fantasies with clear expectations set.
  2. i get more kinky and initiate more rather than him always initiating those fantasies.
  3. he will have trigger episodes of his old desires, he may say those to me but i maintain my boundary and he get's frustrated but then back to #1
  4. I try to open up a bit, may be explore strip clubs with him, other couples sensual events, hear other couples views in similar situation(s)
  5. this may end up me being opening further or retracting
  6. Status Quo - relationships intimacy deteriorates further eventually we separate
  7. [any other scenario] ??
OP posts:
Notreallyme27 · 09/07/2025 12:26

Why can’t people understand that a fantasy is literally that, a fantasy. Once you indulge that fantasy in real life it is no longer a fantasy but a reality.

Most people have sexual fantasies and accept that it is just a fantasy. Some people seem to be a bit dim and think that means they need to act on it. They don’t. Have you watched Open House? It’s always one member of a couple being coerced/guilted or blackmailed into swinging. Tell the selfish fucker if he wants to shag other women, it will cost him half his house and pension.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 12:28

@LetsLiveLife

[any other scenario] ??

You explain that you're happy in a monogamous relationship, enjoy your sex life and don't want to take part in his sexual fantasies or go to strip clubs.

He accepts that and you both move on.

He doesn't accept that and you divorce.

LeeLemon · 09/07/2025 12:43

So, he wants you to this once? To tick it off his sexual bucket list? Or regularly?
What if you can’t find willing partners? Who’s going to decide who to ask, you or him?
If you do this, then what? What are you agreeing to going forward? Having your boundaries pushed further and further til you eventually hit your limit and either break up anyway or agree that he can do whatever he wants with other people?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/07/2025 13:54

LetsLiveLife · 09/07/2025 12:24

may be some scenarios how I think this might move fwd

  1. He accepts and we both try different fantasies with clear expectations set.
  2. i get more kinky and initiate more rather than him always initiating those fantasies.
  3. he will have trigger episodes of his old desires, he may say those to me but i maintain my boundary and he get's frustrated but then back to #1
  4. I try to open up a bit, may be explore strip clubs with him, other couples sensual events, hear other couples views in similar situation(s)
  5. this may end up me being opening further or retracting
  6. Status Quo - relationships intimacy deteriorates further eventually we separate
  7. [any other scenario] ??
Show quote history
  1. He stops being such a whiny little bitch and gets over it.

This is a kink, it's not something he needs to have, it's something he wants to have. He has a desire to push your boundaries, and get you to to perform for his pleasure.

This sort of thing only works if both people are into it, and you're not. Without that, he's just trying to turn you into someone you're not, and that's not what loving couples do to each other.

SantasLargerHelper · 09/07/2025 13:55

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots nails it.

OchreRaven · 09/07/2025 14:15

If this is the only thing in your marriage where there is a disconnect I think he needs to consider the alternative. You split up and he tries to find someone who indulges in his kinks. This in itself will be a hard feat. Then add on top of that someone who ticks all the boxes you do — loves him, cares for him, loves his children.

A lot of husbands would do anything for a wife who is interested in sex — let alone one who is posting on a forum trying to work out how she can satisfy him sexually without betraying her own boundaries. If he can’t see what he has then he doesn’t deserve it. What he is seeking is selfish gratification.

Of course he’s allowed kinks and things that get him off in his own mind. And you can discuss compromises and find a middle ground like role pay or other ways to spice up your sex life you that are comfortable with. But if he would consider splitting up because you don’t want to sleep with another man for his benefit he doesn’t value what he has.

80s · 09/07/2025 15:47

He’s admitted that knowing I’ve drawn a firm line leaves him thinking his deepest desire will never be met ... He doesn’t want to push me, yet worries he’ll always feel something is missing
"Deepest desire" is strong language, as is "always". If he doesn't want to push you, why is he telling you that you are responsible for him forever feeling unfulfilled? If I did not want to put my partner under pressure, I would avoid saying these things.

Arrivederla · 09/07/2025 17:26

OchreRaven · 09/07/2025 14:15

If this is the only thing in your marriage where there is a disconnect I think he needs to consider the alternative. You split up and he tries to find someone who indulges in his kinks. This in itself will be a hard feat. Then add on top of that someone who ticks all the boxes you do — loves him, cares for him, loves his children.

A lot of husbands would do anything for a wife who is interested in sex — let alone one who is posting on a forum trying to work out how she can satisfy him sexually without betraying her own boundaries. If he can’t see what he has then he doesn’t deserve it. What he is seeking is selfish gratification.

Of course he’s allowed kinks and things that get him off in his own mind. And you can discuss compromises and find a middle ground like role pay or other ways to spice up your sex life you that are comfortable with. But if he would consider splitting up because you don’t want to sleep with another man for his benefit he doesn’t value what he has.

This. Maybe read this again op and really think about it.

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