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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has told me to leave, has had enough and I don´t know what to do (long)

31 replies

nogoingback · 26/05/2008 07:55

I will try to keep this succint.

We had been together 10 years before we got married. I had DS in 2006 and we moved abroad the same year. I hate where we live and have done since we came here since day one for a variety of reasons. I feel I have tried to fit in and make friends, although DH isn´t convinced. Anyway I just cannot find anything I like about living in this country and really want to go back to England, the three of us as I know we have made a mistake. DH is more positive and is not prepared to "throw the towel in" which he says is what I´m doing. I have asked him how long I am supposed to give it until we both realise its not working - no reply...

Anyway we had another massive row about all this at the weekend, a very painful row which resulted in DH telling me yesterday that he wants me to leave, to go back to England on my own with DS. He said he can´t take anymore, he is tired, worn out etc etc by it all. He says I am unprepared to try and there is no other solution. I have asked him to consider finding a job in England, yes its not ideal but people do it, don´t they? He doesn´t want to do this, doesn´t see why he should

So here I am, Monday morning and I am at a loss as to what to do. I have little family in the UK and no where suitable to stay. I don´t know where to start to be honest...

As much as I am unhappy here it would kill me to know I was the one who broke up our family, the one who has to explain to DS why daddy isn´t around.

I agreed to the move, it was a joint decision and I wasn´t over the moon about life in England but my heart isn´t here and I don´t know what to do about it...

OP posts:

belgo · 26/05/2008 08:19

Yes you agreed to move, as you say it was a joint decision.

Now, two years later you are unhappy. Again, it should be a joint decision as to what your next move should be. You really need an opportunately to talk without arguing, and I'm wondering counselling? I don't know what country you have moved to, but in some countries there are counselling services for expats.

Also, are you sure there is no future personally for you in this new country?

Freckle · 26/05/2008 08:19

OK, well what you need to do is make a list of what you don't like about living where you are. Then sit down with DH (so he can see you are making an effort) and look at ways you can improve each aspect. You moved abroad a relatively short time ago with a newborn. It was never going to be easy, but, if you have a negative attitude, it hasn't a hope in hell of succeeding.

Then sit down and make a list of positives about returning to the UK and then compare that list to the list of negatives that you can do nothing about. If the list of positives outweighs the negatives, you have your answer.

belgo · 26/05/2008 08:25

It is very hard to move to a new country with a new baby. I know families who have done this, and it seems that it's the hardest way of doing it. Just at a time when you need your own friends, family, a culture that you know and are used to, you leave all of that behind and go somewhere totally new, and suddenly you are totally dependant on your dh for everything. For money, for company, for your social life, and it puts a huge strain on you both.

Have you managed to make new friends? Find things for you and your baby to do? Learn the language?

littlelapin · 26/05/2008 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

castlesintheair · 26/05/2008 08:37

Was going to ask the same as LL!

Why is DH so keen to stay where you are? Are there too few opportunities for him in UK and more where you are?

YeahBut · 26/05/2008 08:40

Where are you living and can you pinpoint anything in particular that you find difficult?
We've moved around a fair bit so I know it can be really difficult to integrate yourself into a new world, particularly if there is a language barrier.

SSSandy2 · 26/05/2008 08:41

You don't work atm and ds is too young for school so you are not all that tied down. I say go to the UK with ds on a visit and have a really good look at it, ask about benefits if you'll be needing them. Find out what you're entitled to, where you could live, how your life would look. Speak to the family you do have. Try and get a clear vision of what life you would be living there if you did move.

And have a good think about dh, is he maybe worth hanging onto in the end?

Then when you know what the reality of going back would be, go back to dh (Spain I think it is, right?) and if you decided you wanted HIM and the UK atm is going to mean a crap life, throw yourself into making a go of things there because you just have to. Either that or go back to dh and PLAN how to make a move to the UK a positive move for you.

Now he has put you on the spot, you're freaking because there is no decent life set-up waiting for you to move back to, right? So in the end you have three options 1) run away and just make the most of whatever situation you get 2) bide your time and plan to make a successful positive move back (with or without him) 3) make up your mind that your life is with dh and you have to create little niches to make your life happier there

YeahBut · 26/05/2008 08:42

Our POV has always been that we move around ultimately for the benefit of the family and if there is a point where any of us just can't stand it anymore, then it's no longer a benefit.
I think it is unfair of your dh to force the whole decision on you. You may decide to go back to the UK, but your dh will also have decided not to accompany you so he does have something to do with it.

Anna8888 · 26/05/2008 08:44

If you DS was born in 2006, he must surely be about to start nursery school?

Life can cheer up no end when you have a school day to work around and the inevitable chats with other mothers that lead to new friendships.

Have you got your DS' school sorted? What are your options?

liath · 26/05/2008 08:44

What were your reasons for leaving the UK? How were you feeling when you made the decision to move aborad? As others have said, if it was unhappiness which prompted the move then you are unlikely to feel that much better moving back.

I lived in Australia for 2 years and it was in the second year that I really got crippled by homesickness. I went home early and DH stayed on for a few months and in retrospect that was a really stupid thing to do, I missed him so much .

Original poster

nogoingback · 26/05/2008 08:45

Thanks for your replies

belgo - you hit the nail on the head when you say its the hardest way of moving to a new country. Its just how I feel and I do feel I am very if not totally dependant on DH. I lived a very independant life before and had a good career, friends etc. I explain this to DH and he says he understands but I don´t think he can, not fully anyway

littlelapin - what you say is also very true and I do think there are other factors involved. I do suffer from grass is greener syndrome and my DH says I am an escapist. Yes he is probably right. I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past and have had a lot of difficulties with my parents.

If I´m honest our relationship before DS wasn´t perfect

OP posts:

YeahBut · 26/05/2008 08:45

I agree with SSSandy2, an extended visit home to see what the reality of life back in the UK would be like versus staying where you are. When we go back to the UK, it's fab. Lots of eating, drinking and going out with family and friends. But that's just a holiday and it wouldn't be like that day to day if we were ever move back (which we won't).

pellmell · 26/05/2008 08:46

Is there any way you can come back for an extended holiday?
Your relationship will have gone through massive changes.
Having a child together after such a long time affects the most solid couple (changes the focus-creates tension and divides loyalties)or maybe thats just my own personal experience
This argument may well have happened in england. It might have been about something else but it probably stems from not really working together (not knowing each other at the moment)......
does that ring any bells?

pinkydinkydo · 26/05/2008 08:53

I know the feeling we lived in he uk
then moved to dh's home country then back to the uk
and then back to his home country
we are struggling fiancially and I find making friends hard and my ds is not yet in kindergarten

have no answers for you but sympathy and best wishes

SSSandy2 · 26/05/2008 09:13

So dh is happy living there? He has moved back home, hasn't he? Or is just that he doesn't find it a realistic option to move back to the UK.

TotalChaos · 26/05/2008 09:20

why would the UK be better? is it because you are planning on returning to work if you come back, or because there are friends who can support you? Just wondering if you hanker for the UK because you were happy in your pre-baby life here, rather than because you will be much happier if you move back. Even without the country change, leaving work and becoming an SAHM after having a baby can be very isolating. So I agree that having to do this and move to a foreign language/culture is extremely difficult.

itwasntme · 26/05/2008 09:32

Poor you. I also emigrated when dd was a baby, and understand how hard it can be. Fortunately for me though, I speak the language (Spanish), which has made things much easier to fit in. However, I have also suffered from anxiety since moving here, even though I am relatively happy.

Are you in a country where a different language is spoken?

Do you know any other expats there? Having contact with other expat mothers can make a big difference, as everyone is in the same boat and they can become your support network in the absence of family/close friends.

Could you get a part-time job? Perhaps teaching English, which is a great way to get out of the house and meet people, and will give you more confidence.

I really sympathise with you. It's hard enough having relationship problems in your own country, let alone overseas.

NotABanana · 26/05/2008 09:35

I totally understand you.

I moved a lot as a child (9 primary schools) and even now at 36 I want to move when I am unhappy but I am pretty sure it will follow me. We can't move yet anyway but I know this isn't my forever house and I long for the day we can pack up and go.

foxinsocks · 26/05/2008 09:41

yes, I also have the 'move when I'm unhappy' syndome which is a symptom of moving every 12-18 months as a child (and a symptom of other things). You learn that moving leaves problems behind and you can throw your energies into making a new life and new home/new friends but it's a temporary relief as I'm sure you well know.

Having said that, I think you're in a very difficult place. Not feeling comfortable in your own skin is a horrid feeling and both you and dh appear to be pushing each other away when actually, you're both going through a time when you need to draw on each other.

Can you have a wave the white flag evening with him?

foxinsocks · 26/05/2008 09:45

I mean you think it leaves problems behind but it doesn't really, it just suspends them till they catch up with you.

Original poster

nogoingback · 26/05/2008 18:42

Thanks to everybody. Haven't replied sooner as been having a thinking day.

SSSandy/YeahBut - you are right in so many ways. I am definitely freaking, Sandy, as DH has never put me on the spot before and it has really shocked me. He has done his best to understand I know that and he has made lots of suggestions as to try and help me. Your suggestion of going back for an extended stay etc is a good one and I think I will do that, I suppose I need to a.s.a.p

I find it hard to pinpoint what it is that upsets me so much about being here. There are many things but surely if this is where my family is (DS and DH) I wonder why that in itself isn't enough? I should be able to overcome my difficulties with them by my side shouldn't I?

Ironically I speak the language well, so that shouldn't be a problem. But I have lost so much confidence since coming here and when I have to speak at the Doctors for example I often go blank and that makes me feel 10x worse. The fact that I don't really talk to adults during the day makes it harder, its a viscious circle as I have given up wanting to speak and have lost any enthusiam I did have (if any) its all too much effort at the moment and if I'm honest most days I can't even be bothered. Yes I know thats a pathetic excuse.

Total Chaos - you also make a very good point. I think if I'm honest I am hackering after my old life pre-baby. So maybe I would feel this way if I'd stayed in England. Its very possible but I know for a fact that I wouldn't have the feelings of isolation.

We need to sit down together tonight and talk civilly about the situation although he was so angry yesterday I'm not sure if it will work. I feel I really have pushed him to the limit and that takes a lot, he has a very long fuse normally

Thanks again to everybody for all your advice, it is a huge help

OP posts:

Salla · 26/05/2008 21:34

You do know that moving to another country can sometimes feel like bereavement? You have lost part of your life which you cannot get back. This stage can last a few years, for me it was for about 4-5 years. The reality of living there permanently hits you hard sometimes. It does get better though and it would be good for you to get together with other expats as they are best positioned to help you with practical issues and offering friendship. Beign a SAHM is hard for everyone, regardless of what culture of country they are in.

Original poster

nogoingback · 26/05/2008 21:37

Thanks Salla

Not looking good for our talk - DH hasn´t come home yet so is obviously avoiding me...

OP posts:

Nursejo · 26/05/2008 21:42

I have a couple of friends that have done this,and they werent happy at first.They decided to move somewhere else in the same country,and have now settled happily.Sometimes its the area and not the country.

If you can sit down and talk,discuss the things which are making you unhappy/unsettled and can you remedy that with a compromise within the same country?

May not be an option for you,but surely it would help the situation if he sees you are willing to compromise somehow?

SSSandy2 · 28/05/2008 20:26

how is it going?

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