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Original poster

Sexless relationship

27 replies

Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 13:39

I met my boyfriend years ago then parted ways then finally got together 5 years ago.
He's a lovely man, he's kind, loyal, and we get along great.
But now I'm questioning things. He's everything I'd ever wanted in a man, but we don't have sex.
So far this year we haven't done it once. In our whole relationship we must of done it about 5 times.
When we first got together we'd send flirty messages, we even discussed me going on the pill, which I did, which gave me the impression that we were going to have a sex life. Looking back I feel stupid and embarrassed for even having the conversation with him, because we are not even having sex.
I put the first year of no sex down to covid. We didn't see each other often, but thought it would change after that.
Our sex life is basically him using his fingers on me, then me giving oral, and quite frankly I feel resentful.
After 2.5 years ish I asked him why we don't have sex, he said its because his legs go weird, like jelly. I asked him if it was down to me, I'm a plus sized woman, I'm much bigger than him. He assured me it wasn't, just down to his legs.
I was completely blindsided, and deeply in love that I just accepted it, after all, a relationship is more than just sex.
Now 5 years into the relationship I'm feeling really disheartened, angry, upset, resentful, and I hate feeling like this, its making me feel so down.
I keep wondering whether it is me that's the problem. It must be surely.
I know he's not seeing anyone else, he doesn't go out.
We don't live together, we see each other 3 times a week, one of those days it's with all his family. Its always me going around his place, he's not been round mine for years. Ive got children from a previous relationship, and when their dad cant have them, my boyfriend never offers to come round to see me. We don't go out as a couple, we've only been out twice, and that's because I had purchased tickets to events.
He works hard, so I can understand, but at the moment it feels like I'm giving and not getting anything back.
Regarding the sex life, I'm beginning to make excuses for not doing anything, it's just playing on my mind, and I just feel so unattractive.
I feel so guilty about making the excuses, because he is so kind in other ways 😔
Surely this isn't a normal relationship.

OP posts:
YodasHairyButt · 08/07/2025 13:46

No it’s not normal. He clearly has issues around sex, impossible to guess what they are there are various possibilities. But the bottom line is you are not happy and if he isn’t willing to address and at least try to overcome those issues, then you are fundamentally incompatible. If you don’t want to live with this, you have a decision to make.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2025 13:47

This is in no way a normal relationship. It’s more like an unhealthy codependency.

Be brave and make the break from him permanent. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied. You will need to ask yourself why you’ve accepted this from him till now.

Comedycook · 08/07/2025 13:48

Walk away...this is not fixable. You will not change him.

FateAmenableToChange · 08/07/2025 13:52

I dated a man like this, turned out he had an issue with scar tissue in his penis and basically couldnt have sex. It wasnt so much the lack of sex (although that was a problem for me) it was the lying and misleading. Gaslighting really, pretending it was completely normal and not telling me the truth for months until really pressed. I ended it for both reasons. He was also lovely in other ways.

GreenGully · 08/07/2025 14:01

He most likely has ED and is too embarrassed to admit it. It's not something I could put up with.

How old are you both?

Original poster
Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 14:16

I'm 37 and he's 43. I don't even feel like I can bring the issue up again, incase he feels like he has to have sex, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
GreenGully · 08/07/2025 14:58

Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 14:16

I'm 37 and he's 43. I don't even feel like I can bring the issue up again, incase he feels like he has to have sex, if you know what I mean.

You're both too young to be in a sexless relationship. Yes you don't want to feel like you're bullying him into having sex because that isn't going to be enjoyable for either of you.

Because of is age I'd assume he has a form of psychological ED. He is probably sharing the same feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that he is causing you to feel.

This isn't something either of can just brush under the carpet in the hopes it will get better. It needs to be tackled head on, really he needs to see a psychologist for therapy and maybe get a prescription for Viagra.

Very personal question and you're not obliged to answer but the few times you have managed it.. Did he maintain an erection?

Original poster
Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 15:04

GreenGully · 08/07/2025 14:58

You're both too young to be in a sexless relationship. Yes you don't want to feel like you're bullying him into having sex because that isn't going to be enjoyable for either of you.

Because of is age I'd assume he has a form of psychological ED. He is probably sharing the same feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that he is causing you to feel.

This isn't something either of can just brush under the carpet in the hopes it will get better. It needs to be tackled head on, really he needs to see a psychologist for therapy and maybe get a prescription for Viagra.

Very personal question and you're not obliged to answer but the few times you have managed it.. Did he maintain an erection?

Show quote history

Yeah, he manages to get an election, but didn't last long (not that it bothered me, as it was the intimacy we shared)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2025 15:10

OP

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why have you seemingly settled for so little here in this man?. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship because what you are describing here is not a relationship at all.

Macaroni46 · 08/07/2025 15:10

Sex aside, it’s not much of a relationship anyway. No going out. Only going to his place. Not sure what you get out of it. I think you’d be better of without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2025 15:12

And no it's not you but him. However, why have you accepted such crumbs from him?.

Such a man will only further tear down your already low self esteem and you're not readily seeing the many red flags re him.

Bittenonce · 08/07/2025 16:55

This isn’t just about lack of intimacy - if he was banging you senseless every time you met, it still wouldn’t be a proper relationship. Just the not going out as a couple, him not coming round to yours. Frankly, it’s rubbish. Please don’t waste another 5 years on this guy, he might be some kind of a friend- but that’s it. Find someone who is more to you, gives you more, cares more. You’re too young for this and you’ll hate yourself for spending more of these good years with someone who really isn’t worth it.
Sorry to be harsh, but it’s time to cut your losses.

GreenGully · 09/07/2025 11:12

Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 15:04

Yeah, he manages to get an election, but didn't last long (not that it bothered me, as it was the intimacy we shared)

Show quote history

So he can't maintain one, that's ED. Having no sex on top of not going anywhere or doing anything.... it sounds really dull. I think you are settling here and I definitely wouldn't be settling whilst still in your 30s.

TreeDudette · 09/07/2025 11:45

No - it doesn't sound normal or healthy. Not going on dates or going out is abnormal. Spending 30% of your time together with all his family isn't normal (at least in my culture). The bad sex life / his lack of interest / lack of the ability to keep an erection is also not normal - particularly not addressing the issue.

This doesn't sound like any fun, why are you with this guy?

Anotherheatwave · 09/07/2025 11:50

Nope not normal. Five years and no sex and you don’t go out. He’s barely even a friend. I don’t know what you get out of it.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/07/2025 11:58

What do you actually do then?

you don’t go out, you don’t have sex,

aren’t those two things the entire point of dating?

CoolStork · 10/07/2025 23:48

No. Who says those two things are what makes dating 'dating'?

CoolStork · 10/07/2025 23:50

Hello, um, not everyone is driven by sex, not young, not old, across the board - not everyone is primal. Some people ( a lot more than you think) are far more connected on other levels. Now granted, doesn't sound like this guy is connected very much at all, but so many comments about the sex being so important is, frankly, laughable. Let's grow up people.

CoolStork · 10/07/2025 23:52

There's more to life than sex ya know. Seriously shaking my head

OneLemonGuide · 11/07/2025 05:52

CoolStork · 10/07/2025 23:52

There's more to life than sex ya know. Seriously shaking my head

I’m presuming by your posts that you’re asexual… that’s fine, but most people aren’t. Sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship for many people, particular those in their 30s like the OP. It’s what sets a relationship apart from a friendship, and the desire for sexual intimacy and release tends to be the primary reason why people enter into relationships in the first place!

OneLemonGuide · 11/07/2025 06:03

Leahloveschocolate · 08/07/2025 15:04

Yeah, he manages to get an election, but didn't last long (not that it bothered me, as it was the intimacy we shared)

Show quote history

Do you mean the it didn't last long because he came quickly, or because his erection failed during sex?

As for the legs going like jelly… Never heard of a man using as an excuse not to have sex. Is he particularly physically unfit?

I can’t believe you’ve put up with this for five years…

rwalker · 11/07/2025 06:37

I think you want more from this relationship than what’s on offer
accept it or move on

GreyCarpet · 11/07/2025 07:16

Honestly, OP. It sounds like you're getting nothing more from this relationship than being able to say that you're in one.

You don't go out together, he won't come round to your house, you see him three times a week and one of those days is with his family... tbh, I'm surprised you'd even want to have sex with him. It's not even a friendship.

Why don't you think you deserve better?

TwistedWonder · 11/07/2025 07:28

CoolStork · 10/07/2025 23:52

There's more to life than sex ya know. Seriously shaking my head

Yes there’s more to life than sex but for the vast majority of people it’s an important part of a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

Without any intimacy, it’s a friendship.

This isn’t a LTR where the sexual side has dropped off over the years - they’ve had sex 5 times in 5 years!! Shake your head all you like but that’s not normal in a relationship.

He is a zero effort man making the OP feel like shit. If you don’t see that’s a problem then you’re the one who needs to take your own words onboard and ‘grow up’

Rainbow321 · 11/07/2025 07:39

You say he doesn't have actual sex with you just oral & fingers , what do you do to him ?
Do you / have you seen his penis up close ? Does it look normal to you ? Ok in size etc ?
Could be have a medical condition of a hang up about its size ?If

Perhaps you should open up a conversation to ask why you don't and explain to him that you would like to explore ways to have regular penis in vagina sex .

Not going out together is also weird .