Online dating

[superplumb]

Not dated in 27 years. Ex cheated, half way through a divorce. 2 primary age kids.

Considering online dating at some point. Didn't have that back when I dated

From what ive read....men are separated but not divorced yet for a variety of reason's
Still living with ex but waiting for the house to sell so he can get his own place
Lives with parent while saving to move out
Doesn't own a property...only ever rented..

Thing is, I dont want to sound bad..but I dont want to date a guy who doesn't own a property. Reason being is I do ans it costs a fortune. My mortgage is high and I dont see a future long term with a guy who doesn't own...how would that work and what would he bring financially? Say in 10 years we live together...then what?
Is it really bad to list on my bio that you need to own your own place and
If separated then must have started the divorce process?

Im out of touch so dont know whats normal but I need to think about my financial safety. I dont want any freeloaders.

Any advice appreciated. Seems like a mindfield.

The thing is you don't know what financial settlements have been made eg a guy may have let his wife have most of the equity especially if she has children while he has retained a 900,000 pension pot and he may be renting temporarily. I do understand you though. If you got to the stage of living together or marrying then you would make legal living together document or prenup. I don't think it would be good to list those on your bio but hold them in your head.

I think it’s absolutely fine to have those preferences - I was exactly the same after years of my ex-husband’s precarious finances and having the mortgage in my name only (I now have the house and I’m solely responsible for a hefty mortgage). I didn’t stipulate it in my bio but once I got chatting to guys I was able to get a sense of their situation and take it from there. Then I was very lucky to meet my amazing boyfriend 10 months ago (on Tinder, of all places 🤣) who’s divorced, financially stable, and owns his own place! (I’m 45, he’s 55). Good luck!

This gives me hope. My friends set up a fb profile on their dating thing but not fully set up yet.
Id like to meet a kind man who has his shit together.
What worries me is i dont know what red flags look like as I was with my ex for so long.
What senses should I check on?

Yes, you’re right to be sceptical , it can be a minefield. And yes it’s perfectly okay to write ‘own house and car, hope you’ve got the same’ or however you want to put it. It’s really not so different to saying ‘no smokers’ or whatever….
There will always be some freeloaders and liars out there, online can make it easier for some people to lie but it’s not generally the case. Just be prepared to filter and check pretty ruthlessly. Also be aware that the players will see ‘recently divorced, no recent dating experience’ as someone to take advantage of.
Just be honest and open about your position and expectations, and be careful to check they’re the same.

Tbh I wouldn't put up anything about my own financial situation on it .

I know, it can be a minefield. I think for me, I could just tell by the tone of people’s messages if they were someone I wanted to engage with, and I wasn’t afraid to ask lots of questions. Sometimes people sounded lovely but after a few messages they’d reveal that they still lived with their ex, or they weren’t allowed to see their kids, or they made bitter comments about their exes, or made comments that could be construed as subtle put-downs before they’d even met me - big red flags for me. To be honest, if they mentioned they had mental health problems I just (kindly) stopped engaging as I’d been through all of that with my ex-husband and was fatigued. I suppose I was fortunate in that a lot of these guys seemed pretty honest about their situations, which allowed me to bow out. When my current partner messaged me, he just stood out as a lovely, open, genuine, kind, funny guy and he was the first and only one I decided to meet up with. Thankfully he was all of those things in person and here we still are! I must add that on our second date, I was really open and honest about things like not wanting to meet someone who had debts, and who has their own money etc due to my past experience - thankfully he was perfectly okay with me being a nosy cow about that stuff as he had nothing to hide!

Gosh you sound very lucky.
Honestly not sure what dating sites to join

I think a combination of luck and instincts / experience - I’d done a fair bit of OLD before I met my husband (didn’t actually meet him
online!) plus I’ve worked for years in a setting involving men in the justice system (including those perpetrating domestic abuse) so I can spot manipulation and red flags a mile off!!

Agree with this - keep tight-lipped or vague about that until you meet someone in person and only if and when it feels right to be open about it.

Good luck with that! Needle in a haystack on OLD.

If any dates get to dating stage then the obvious one to look out for is love bombing and any sort of controlling behaviour.

Love Bombing can be intoxicating when just out of a relationship so need to be careful with that one.

Don’t message for too long— it can create a false sense of connection. Meet asap and keep it short - 30 min coffee.

Dont mention finances in bio. You can ask them questions at the meet up and if they answer in a way you are not happy with them you can move on to the next one.

Yeah I didnt want to mention jt. I was speaking to one guy who eas clearly after getting his name on a woman's mortgage. .!! Blocked vert quickly

I would only mention things about yourself on your bio and then only swipe for people who interest you.
The rest of it you get from chatting.

Definitely try and arrange to meet within the first few days of chatting so you don't over invest.

Be prepared to have both positive and negative experiences. You'll likely at some point wish you hadn't met one of them, or had stopped the conversation sooner, revealed less about yourself etc, but just see it as part of the process and move on.
And the huge thing to remember is that it's not you, it's them (for if they turn out to be awful)
I still end up chatting to people who I look back on and see all the red flags, but at the time i didn't.
I'm almost 2 years in so feel like an old timer now.

I just don't know how you can be arsed thinking about other men when you haven't even.got rid of this one yet. You surely need a few years single before even thinking of dating again. Good idea to be happy on your own first so you know you aren't settling for shit men just for the company.

But when the time comes, you can date however you like. I certainly wouldn't date anyone who hadn't completed their divorces tbh. And could show written proof. Just starting isn't good enough imo.

Oh ive got rid of him...I kicked him when I caught them both together.
Yes no rush, but want to prepare myself for whats in store. All new world to me. Need to heal first and sort myself out.

There is nothing wrong with just having a bit of fun you don’t have to be thinking of forever every time you match with someone. I would agree with the previous poster and only date properly single guys

Yeah just don't rush into things and know you're allowed whatever boundaries you like and to want whatever you want in a partner.

But consider IF you actually want one too. I mean you have two young kids so there's also the extra worry of needing to keep a man away from them. Always remember, not to give you the fear but, paedophiles look for single mothers.

But like pp said, you can always look for a bit of fun. Just be clear with yourself that thats all they are if they don't meet standards for more than that.

I just wouldn't even be thinking about it now if I could help it though. After 27 years with someone who has turned out to be a bit of a shit, I think it would be wise to focus on you and your wee ones and some self love and development not other men who will, let's be honest, likely be trouble.

God yeah....theyre not ever picking me up or dropping me off at my himes. They wont have my home address.

I like the idea of fun..but I know im vulnerable so think I need to heal first.

Probably wise. Best to heal entirely away from them. I mean compliments and flirting are appealing and seem like they'd be confidence boosts but in reality they often come at a cost and if the guy turns out not nice it can really hurt you when you are already vulnerable.

Its always sex in the end tho isn't it. Never just flirting.
I used to be able to have sex and not catch feelings but im vulnerable now after how ex treated me so I meed to tred carefully. I coulsnt take anymore rejection

That or something worse.
At least if it's just sex then they get it and go. It's the ones that are after something more than are worse. The vampires that want to take everything they can.
And those sharks circle big time around people newly out of long term relationships.

Oh god.
Think im better off alone and single.

I think many people are. There are good men out there but realistically, dating is a minefield.

I was in a similar situation as you Op. Left a 20 year marriage due to him cheating. Had 2 kids in primary school (aged 11 & 9). After we split, I had enough for a deposit for a nice (smaller) house, my own paid off car, good job etc. I started OLD as soon as I was in my new home. Was excited to start dating again. I found loads of men on there just wanted a pen pal, I think a lot are married and want titillation, tbh.

Anyway, I met my now DH on Plenty of Fish, just 8 weeks after I left H no1. He was not as "set up" as me. He was renting and was in debt. But he did have a fantastic job, and I could tell he was a really good guy. I helped him to apply for a trust deed that meant his debt was wiped out over a 3 year repayment plan. I was a bank manager, so knew what to do. When we married I was sure to have a pre-nup, and I have never added him to the mortgage, even though he pays half of everything. We have been together for 17 years now, and very, very happy.

That's interesting. Plenty of fish isn't well regarded now is it?
I do worry about men in a worse financial position than me. Im just suspicious of everyone now and I think a vulnerable woman with her own home would be bait for a guy who wants to get onto the housing ladder.

How were you able to move on so quickly. ? Im struggling today

me neither. That stood out for
me also.

OP I wouldn’t worry. Any decent man in good financial standing will have exactly the same concerns as you so will not be put off. Anyone who is put off is likely to be someone you wouldn’t want to meet.