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Original poster

Online dating

38 replies

superplumb · 08/07/2025 09:39

Not dated in 27 years. Ex cheated, half way through a divorce. 2 primary age kids.

Considering online dating at some point. Didn't have that back when I dated

From what ive read....men are separated but not divorced yet for a variety of reason's
Still living with ex but waiting for the house to sell so he can get his own place
Lives with parent while saving to move out
Doesn't own a property...only ever rented..

Thing is, I dont want to sound bad..but I dont want to date a guy who doesn't own a property. Reason being is I do ans it costs a fortune. My mortgage is high and I dont see a future long term with a guy who doesn't own...how would that work and what would he bring financially? Say in 10 years we live together...then what?
Is it really bad to list on my bio that you need to own your own place and
If separated then must have started the divorce process?

Im out of touch so dont know whats normal but I need to think about my financial safety. I dont want any freeloaders.

Any advice appreciated. Seems like a mindfield.

OP posts:
Original poster
superplumb · 08/07/2025 18:07

yakkity · 08/07/2025 18:06

me neither. That stood out for
me also.

OP I wouldn’t worry. Any decent man in good financial standing will have exactly the same concerns as you so will not be put off. Anyone who is put off is likely to be someone you wouldn’t want to meet.

Show quote history

So you think I should say..must have own house qns car etc?

OP posts:
yakkity · 08/07/2025 18:09

oldparents · 08/07/2025 17:48

I was in a similar situation as you Op. Left a 20 year marriage due to him cheating. Had 2 kids in primary school (aged 11 & 9). After we split, I had enough for a deposit for a nice (smaller) house, my own paid off car, good job etc. I started OLD as soon as I was in my new home. Was excited to start dating again. I found loads of men on there just wanted a pen pal, I think a lot are married and want titillation, tbh.

Anyway, I met my now DH on Plenty of Fish, just 8 weeks after I left H no1. He was not as "set up" as me. He was renting and was in debt. But he did have a fantastic job, and I could tell he was a really good guy. I helped him to apply for a trust deed that meant his debt was wiped out over a 3 year repayment plan. I was a bank manager, so knew what to do. When we married I was sure to have a pre-nup, and I have never added him to the mortgage, even though he pays half of everything. We have been together for 17 years now, and very, very happy.

The problem is in the UK prenups are not binding and in a divorce the law sees division of assets to be done in a way that both parties are left financially secure. The law won’t acknowledge a prenup that leaves one party with no assets.

onehorserace · 08/07/2025 23:34

yakkity · 08/07/2025 18:09

The problem is in the UK prenups are not binding and in a divorce the law sees division of assets to be done in a way that both parties are left financially secure. The law won’t acknowledge a prenup that leaves one party with no assets.

Show quote history

Not true.

Flatbellyfella · 09/07/2025 00:09

There are many like myself who are single own their own homes with no money problems whatsoever, but are not on dating sites for the same fear of being taken advantage of by persons of hidden dubious character, we will probably never find a loving partner.
How far are people travelling to meet up on dates ?
Are there that many locals on the sites, that are genuine ? or is it just sex hookups?

Original poster
superplumb · 09/07/2025 09:34

Flatbellyfella · 09/07/2025 00:09

There are many like myself who are single own their own homes with no money problems whatsoever, but are not on dating sites for the same fear of being taken advantage of by persons of hidden dubious character, we will probably never find a loving partner.
How far are people travelling to meet up on dates ?
Are there that many locals on the sites, that are genuine ? or is it just sex hookups?

My friends have told me that they speak to a nice guy for a few days then fhe convo turns sexual really quickly so they make it obvious what theyre after even when their bio says long term relationship. Feel like giving up before ive even began

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 09/07/2025 11:06

superplumb · 09/07/2025 09:34

My friends have told me that they speak to a nice guy for a few days then fhe convo turns sexual really quickly so they make it obvious what theyre after even when their bio says long term relationship. Feel like giving up before ive even began

Show quote history

No need to give up! Sure, there are some people who are single for a reason, who will say anything to get what they want, and being online does seem to give a licence to do and say things that they would never do IRL. You just need to filter and check carefully- don’t get emotionally committed until you really know them. Just be honest about who you are and what you want. You’ve said before that you’re still in a bit of a vulnerable state and maybe not yet ready, so that’s a good thing that you’re self aware enough to see that. Just enjoy it - don’t get upset if some idiot sends you dick pics, just block and delete, save the pic to show your friends and have a laugh about. And in terms of which App - I’d tend towards Match, just because it allows you to say more about yourself, what you do and don’t want: Which also means that others have the same opportunity, so can make the initial swipe decision easier.

Original poster
superplumb · 09/07/2025 14:10

Bittenonce · 09/07/2025 11:06

No need to give up! Sure, there are some people who are single for a reason, who will say anything to get what they want, and being online does seem to give a licence to do and say things that they would never do IRL. You just need to filter and check carefully- don’t get emotionally committed until you really know them. Just be honest about who you are and what you want. You’ve said before that you’re still in a bit of a vulnerable state and maybe not yet ready, so that’s a good thing that you’re self aware enough to see that. Just enjoy it - don’t get upset if some idiot sends you dick pics, just block and delete, save the pic to show your friends and have a laugh about. And in terms of which App - I’d tend towards Match, just because it allows you to say more about yourself, what you do and don’t want: Which also means that others have the same opportunity, so can make the initial swipe decision easier.

Show quote history

Thanks for the reoly
Main consensus is to stick to the paid apps to weed people out?

Ive been reading up on elite singles, harmony and hinge. Bloody mindifeld. Don't want to spend a lot on it but I want to meet serious people.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 09/07/2025 14:13

superplumb · 09/07/2025 14:10

Thanks for the reoly
Main consensus is to stick to the paid apps to weed people out?

Ive been reading up on elite singles, harmony and hinge. Bloody mindifeld. Don't want to spend a lot on it but I want to meet serious people.

Show quote history

Oh gosh no don't pay for them.

Paid sites are filled with narcissist and weirdo mummy's boys.

Tinder is actually the best of the lot. I suppose bumble is ok but personally I think because we have to message first, it attracts men who are expect us to chase them

Sodthesystem · 09/07/2025 14:14

I say this as someone who tried match btw. Years ago..And had a hell of a job cancelling. They took money from me even though I'd cancelled actually.

Bittenonce · 09/07/2025 15:51

superplumb · 09/07/2025 14:10

Thanks for the reoly
Main consensus is to stick to the paid apps to weed people out?

Ive been reading up on elite singles, harmony and hinge. Bloody mindifeld. Don't want to spend a lot on it but I want to meet serious people.

Show quote history

I’d try the free ones first, see how you get on. Personally I’m against Hinge - but just because I was targeted by a catfish early on, so I just deleted my account! But whatever you choose, you’ll have to filter (weed out 😂) , there’s serious people - and players - wherever you go.

80s · 09/07/2025 16:04

You can do some filtering in the first couple of dates too, OP; not everyone wants to open up about finances or their divorce plans to a complete stranger before they meet.

When I was doing OLD I'd arrange three dates with vaguely suitable candidates in a week, then decide after the first date (if possible) whether I wanted to actually date them. I only chatted long enough beforehand to work out if they were intelligent and fun enough for my taste, then arranged to meet in a public place for a "date 0", to decide whether I wanted a "date 1".

I didn't have "want a long-term relationship" in my profile as I did not see how that would result in a long-term relationship. I have to date people for a good while before I know if I want a LTR with them. Sometimes I realise I don't after a month, year or whatever. So I can't guarantee that I'm offering a LTR and don't see how they could guarantee that either. Other people might not have that box ticked for this reason.

its2025 · 09/07/2025 16:11

Best advice I can give for online dating is to have an open and positive attitude int he first place.
I think you're trying to think too far ahead. Its totally fine to have your own red line or boundaries (like owning a home - actually being divorced - whatever other things you are concerned about) however I wouldn't put anything about that on your profile. Once you get chatting comfortably with someone you can just ask about the things that are important to you.

Think of it as an opportunity to meet men whom you wouldn't normally meet. I met multiple guys who i'd never have met in a million years if it wasn't for OLD. Most were nice - just not right for me for whatever reason.

I think it's wise to wait until you are properly ready too. As you are in process of divorce that in itself is a stressful time and will take energy. You don't want the emotional ups and downs of online dating on top of that (and there will be trust me!!) The first guy you fall for after your divorce is always a tough (you fall hard) - so watch out for that.

My partner and i met 5 years ago on OLD. I wouldn't of ever met him otherwise - and I count myself very lucky.

You don't need to spend money on the apps - most men are on all of them anyway - so its the same profiles. Use one of them where you can only talk to someone once you have a match - so like Bumble Badoo. Don't go into Plenty of Fish you'll get messages from everybody.
Also don't mention that you are new to dating on your profile

Good Luck

onehorserace · 09/07/2025 20:47

I found the same men on Match and POF. I met my now husband on POF . He lived about a quarter of a mile from me 😂

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