Don't want to live with DP

[BerolDryWipe]

I want to live alone!

Well, not totally alone, I have 2 daughters and 1 DIL, they are who I want to live with.

I'm 42, live with DP, he has his 17 year old boy week on, week off, he has a 5 year old for 4 days every other week, and I just don't want to live with them all.

I love DP, happy to be in a relationship with him, but I really would like to live with just my girls.

We haven't lived together long, around 9 months, and I had been very hesitant to move in, as I was just happy as I was, and now I definitely regret my choice.

How do I tell him?

Are you all living in his house?

I think I'd say that your dds need more of your time, and you feel that you need to provide a secure home just for them.

Your DP provides a home for his dcs. You would only be doing the same.

You would have to accept that he may want a 'living together' relationship which would lead to him going elsewhere.

Can you return to your home, is that possible, if so, you need a frank conversation with him saying your struggling with the blended family situation and would rather live apart but continue a relationship with him, good luck op

We moved into a new rental, I have a home but the sale is going through this month, and I can't pull out of that, it's a shared mortgage with an ex that has taken 3 years to sell.

I have known DP for 14 years, and it's not him or even his children as such, I just feel like I don't want to deal with other peoples crap tbh. For the first time in my life I want to be selfish, and only worry and me and my pretty much grown up kids. My girls are 21, 21 & 18.

Of course, why would you invite all that drama in ? I live alone with 2 teens , it's bliss.
Too many children. Ask him to find separate accommodation

When your house sale goes through, can you start the process of buying new home, just for you and your girls?
It'll take a while so give your DP time to find somewhere else when the rental you are currently in comes to renewal? (Assuming he cannot afford it alone and it is bigger than his and his DC's needs).

I doubt he will be thrilled about it so you need to be prepared for that and to ease the whole situation but I don't blame you for wanting space and calm and just to have dates, not live in blended families, it sounds like too much.

I really don't know what I was thinking......

Entirely understandable OP. Living together is overrated. Once the novelty wears off quickly can end up being just more mess, housework and less alone time. You have raised your girls so having a 17 and especially a 5 year old is a big change and not one you need to be dealing with. Unfortunately too relationships can and do break down so setting down your own roots, establishing your own space and home, out with current beau is not selfish it’s sensible. You just tell him. He may or may not accept it but be prepared for worst i.e he sees it as a dealbreaker or reacts badly. Just keep calm, plan your exit then begin enjoying looking for your wee forever pad that’s just yours. Could tell him you want to keep spark there, ensure you both have your own space and best of both worlds and chance to miss each other. Nothing beats closing your own front door, not having to answer to or clean up after anyone and having zero drama.

Tell him,,,, this isn't working, I prefer living on my own. I've had a few bfs and made it clear each time I did not want to live together at all, have a relationship living separately. Can't bear the thought of a man in my space all the time.

It's going to be an awkward conversation, so just get it over with.
Just say you didn't think it through properly and want to live in a property of your own.
Can you find somewhere to live?

Of course you want to live without your partner at home. Totally understandable.
What @Bananalanacake said. Good luck and don't worry about putting yourself first.

I'll be honest, if it was a deal breaker for him I wouldn't care 😳I genuinely don't want to worry about other people, I know that may sound like I don't love him, I do, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if we weren't together.

I've had so much crap in the past with men, and had 2 years on my own with the girls, and loved it, why I ever agreed to move in with him, I do not know!

My girls are so capable, they help around the house, they cook, they think for themselves, they grocery shop, they walk the dog without being asked, they wash whoever's clothes are dirty, we had such a great little system going, and now we live with 2 men who do not pull their weight, my girls have pulled back (understandably).

I don't blame you at all op.
What was the plan for the funds from your house sale?

Definitely tell him! And don't let him convince you things will change. They won't.

I don’t blame you at all. I wouldn’t live with anybody again. You have to tell him sooner rather than later. Will you be able to buy another property?

Not straight away, but I'll have a good chunk to put towards a deposit, the plan would be to rent for 12 months then buy.

I was planning on saving it, and then DP wanted to buy next year, so I'd be putting my savings into that.

DP has plenty of money, so affordability for him isn't an issue, he can afford to rent/buy alone.

I've booked myself a house viewing for tomorrow, my only problem is that I have a dog and it's so hard to find someone willing to take pets.

I did put on my enquiry form that I had a dog, so really hoping the fact that they've offered me a viewing means they accept pets.

Good luck I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

YANBU to want to change your living arrangements but I do think YABU to start the ball rolling before speaking to DP, assuming you still have 3mths left on your current tenancy agreement, are you planning to just skip out of that commitment and leave him to sort it all out?

No, the house I'm viewing isn't available until the beginning of September, and our current rental is paid in full (paid 12 months upfront) so I wouldn't be leaving him in the lurch.

Also he wont be left to sort it out regardless of when I leave, I am 99% certain he'll move straight in with his parents and leave me to end the tenancy anyway.

Don't put your savings into a property with him!

Cynic that I am... perhaps it is your deposit he's after, and that's why he's asked you to move in with him.

Have you had the conversation with him/them about pulling their weight? Not that I think you should try to get them to change with the aim of staying living together, but it might make things easier until you move out.

Many times, DP is very clear, he doesn’t cook or clean but he’ll pay for a cleaner, unfortunately cleaners aren’t 24/7 someone cleaning the house a few times a week isn’t going to be able to follow them around picking up mess.

His son seems to be following in his footsteps, doesn’t do anything and when asked either just doesn’t do it or does half a job.

I made it clear when we moved in together I am not a maid, I have a big girl job and don’t have time for cleaning up after grown people!

The stance I have taken is to just not tidy up after them, not do their washing but they don’t notice and the mess gets worse and the dirty clothes pile gets bigger, until it’s affecting the rest of the household which is unfair, so I then step in and sort it all out.

Can I ask why you're going to rent for a year first? It seems like a year of 'dead money' unless you're waiting fir a probate or something.

You just need to tell him. But make it about YOU you needing your space, YOU needing be more 'independent' etc Don't bring his kids into it & thus don't lead him to believe thus will change as his kids grow up/move out. Make sure he understand. ;if you think it's the case?! That this s how you intend to live your life out.

you're not going to be heartbroken if it's a dealbreaker for him. So do him the courtesy of telling him.

personally in his shoes it would be a deal breaker for me & I would be heartbroken. Living separately is not how I'd choose to live.

Fingers crosssed xx