How can I tell someone they should go to the hygienist because their teeth are dirty

[MeganM3]

There is someone in my life who I am very close to and really don’t want to hurt their feeling. But their teeth are very dirty, deep brown marks in between every tooth, very visible thick plax and I have noticed a bad smell too.
I leant in for a cuddle yesterday and actually had to let go and move back because of the smell. Similarly today when chatting over a meal I found it turned my stomach while I was trying to eat and enjoy the meal we had prepared together.
They are mid 30s and otherwise reasonably healthy.
What can I do?

You have to be point blank honest.

“Hey X, I know this is an awkward topic but I’ve noticed your teeth aren’t looking at their healthiest and I know how quickly these things can get worse maybe you should consider booking a dentist appt.”

As a partner you have the choice to be with them or not. As adults it’s up to him if he wants to do hedgehog 🦔 underbelly. 😷
👎 don’t agree it’s anyone’s role to fix other people unless it’s your kids. As unsavoury as it is all need to accept folk for what and how they are. Unless OP and those suggesting she speak up a supermodel, even they age, not big or clever to say anything.

I wasn’t going to suggest this. Or buy one with two brushes and say you bought it as it was a bargain.

My husband is the same, hasn’t been to the dentist since I’ve known him 5/6years now. He has a phobia of the dentist ( I don’t get it personally) he has told me if I book an appointment he has to be knocked out. The thing is now his teeth are gross. I tell him a lot, but he is very self conscious of this and so buys lots of stuff to help. Maybe your friend has a fear too, maybe ask when the last time they went to the dentist was …. Slip it into conversation somehow. And that’s a starting point. I would absolutely want to know if my breath smells.

So you just keep quiet and one day you present them with divorce papers or their suitcase on the doorstep? And here’s me thinking communication is key in a relationship🤷‍♀️

Here’s me thinking caveat emptor!?

I’ll assume this person’s dental hygiene hasn’t always been bad (but it would be helpful to know their actual relationship to each other).

Most people like this are fully aware of the issue but have a phobia of the dentist or had some sort of childhood trauma that makes it impossible for them to maintain a dental routine. As silly as it sounds, spending 2mins a day, twice a day, brushing and flossing is very difficult to learn and implement as an adult. Many people take it for granted because you grow up with parents who drilled it into you as a child. However lots of adults who grew up in abuse or neglect never learned this. Same applies to adults who may have sensory issues, neurodivergence or addiction issues that make the executive function or physical experience of brushing and flossing impossible.

A casual suggestion of going to the hygienist isn't going to do much at all. Even if they manage to do it once, chances are very low that they will miraculously start maintaining their oral hygiene every single day. DH is a dentist and sees cases like this all the time. Really bad teeth in otherwise pleasant and normal-looking adults is usually a red flag for serious issues that the person may have had in the past (usually childhood abuse or addiction). If you really care about this person, you need to be aware of any issues from their past. Dental phobia is very often a symptom of trauma because it triggers feelings of loss of control and having pain inflicted on you. It's also a frequent sign of childhood neglect because it's directly caused by parents who don't take their children to the dentist or who don't care about oral hygiene.

I've told DSS and paid for him to go to the dentist it cost ££££, no NHS appointments here even in an emergency ffs.
I've given up and we holiday in Thailand every year anyway so have my teeth done there with a wonderful dentist, she qualified in the US and goes back for all of her training.
For eg. I had 4 white fillings, deep clean, whitening and 2 composite overlays as 2 of my teeth have fractured due to my illness, whole holiday plus all the dental work was less than 2k! I step off the plane and 24hours later have my teeth done.

Yup. That would help. Fundamentals remain the same though. If (understandably) it’s a deal breaker don’t go there in the first place as unlikely it developed after he was put in her basket. If that’s the relationship. If it’s not… even less reason for her to even contemplate telling him how to correct himself. 🤷‍♀️

Has the OP asked you privately for an English lesson? Her thread is about dental hygiene and how to address it with her partner.

She should get a refund 😁

What you are describing is the result of long term dental hygiene neglect, they have not been brushing their teeth for months if they look and smell like that. It’s not just that they’ve not been to the dentist/hygenist, it’s that they don’t brush their teeth at all.

If you really are that close then ask them if they are ok, is there a reason why they’ve not been looking after their teeth?

That's a really interesting post @User868473

I remember reading in the paper in the 70's about the NHS (or equivelent) having to drive around the back streets of a city handing out tootbrushes for children.

Do primary age children get dental care organised through school?

They do in my country. I remember my child going to the dentist (picking him up).

Yes most schools have dentists come in and also give out free toothbrushes but unfortunately that's all pretty ineffective in the long run.

People with relatively robust MH or those growing up in families without abuse rarely develop dental phobia in isolation. That's because they don't associate the experiences at the dentist with something much more deeply triggering, to the point they will avoid appointments at the cost of their own health. Eg. one of the most unpopular procedures is getting impressions taken of your teeth. It's obvious why the feeling of having something forcibly shoved into your mouth and not being able to breath or feeling like you're gagging is incredibly triggering to some people.

Dental phobia is a very acceptable fear to have so many people freely admit to that without disclosing (or realising) the deeper reasons behind it. However dentists themselves know that there's a strong correlation between the phobia and trauma/abuse/addiction. They can see the medications that people take (anti depressants, anti psychotics, suboxone etc) and there's a clear correlation between those and patients who are most likely to skip appointments or have panic attacks during their appointment.

So going back to the point of the thread, it's highly unlikely that a casual suggestion or attempting to shame someone into going to the hygienist will be effective.

A close relative in their 60s has awful teeth. Brown between every tooth and the teeth themselves are yellow. Last time I visited was a month ago and I mentioned my forthcoming dental treatment. Asking if they had a local dentist who accepts NHS patients (I'm lucky my dentist does) they replied they had no idea as hadn't seen a dentist in 25 years! I asked did they not have at least yearly checkups and was told no as long as no toothache they are not seeking a dentist.

They need a descaling. Op said the plaque is visible, so bad.
Stains don't tend to cling to shiny, clean teeth, it's sticky tartar turning to plaque that's the problem. The teeth are dirty.

I couldn't be attracted to someone who doesn't have near perfect dental hygiene.
There's more bacteria in the mouth than down your loo.

If "they" don't know why you can't say him or her, isn't brushing twice daily, they won't be brushing their tongue either.

Going to the dentist is far less dangerous than driving a sports car.
I've never heard so many excuses, apart from laziness.

I don’t pay a hygienist and have never been to one. Just go to the dentist once a year - used to be twice a year. I don’t have staining or plaque. I’m nearly fifty. I brush and sometimes floss. Basic dental hygiene. Don’t see why it’s all about getting in the professionals.

You think not being able to afford ~ £100 per dentist + hygienist visit is down to laziness? So ~£200 per couple every 6 months. ~£400 a year, if not more for other treatments.

There are people pulling their own teeth out because they can't afford a trip to the dentist fgs! It's not laziness.

As others have said - if it's a partner then tell them as it will turn you off completely otherwise don't think I would

If they brush with electric brush inc. tongue and floss/tp each tooth and use chlorhexidine mouthwash twice daily then there's not much more they can do. Other than obviously see a hygienist/dentist.

If they don't do that just say 'I use these tp brushes, this mouthwash is really good, etc etc,' and offer to share yours and then tell him to continue buying and using them?

Maybe to bring it up you could talk about how you need to go to the dentist, get a convo going about dentists and how he feels about them/ when he last went etc. in a non judgemental way.

I know going to the dentist isn't dangerous. I don't drive a sports car, so no idea why that's relevant.

But I'm terrified of the dentist. It triggers my trauma based responses. Being laid back in a chair I get out of. Having things poking around in my mouth. Last time I went to the dentist I got a huge lecture about how awful my teeth were for my age and how I didn't brush them properly. When i asked for guidance I was told I should know by now. Clearly I don't though. I've got 2 fillings and my teeth are generally pretty clean. Minimal plaque build up. I certainly know people my age with far worse teeth.

So all of that, plus the cost and no NHS dentists available here, plus a general anxiety disorder makes going very very very difficult.