Will I regret having a divorce (we have a baby)?

[Cinai]

Things haven’t been great since the birth of our baby (10 months). He didn’t step up the way I expected him to and there is a lot of resentment. He’s not very nice to me, there’s zero interest spending time with each other (e.g. I suggested getting a baby sitter a while ago to go on a date night but he said he prefers spending the evening with our baby). I don’t love him anymore and I think he feels the same. Obviously I tried talking to him, suggested counselling which he refuses…he just would say that he’s doing nothing wrong and I’m trying to pick a fight when I want to address issues. Him choosing to work long hours was always an issue in our relationship, we agreed on Sundays off when we got engaged and full weekends off when we have a baby, this worked for the first few months but he’s now gone back to working 7 days a week. We don’t share finances (his choice) so him working every day and leaving me with childcare every day only benefits him.

He won’t change. I see this now. If we didn’t have a baby this would be a no brainer and I’d be gone yesterday. But now I need to weigh my options more carefully:

-despite everything he loves our baby. When he comes home from work his face lights up when he sees DS. And same goes for my baby. I’d maybe deprive DS from a loving dad.
-He doesn’t want a divorce because he has a perfect set up and will probably try to make this difficult.
-he does all the shopping and cooking for us which makes things easier for me.
-he doesn’t mind me going to my hobby 1 evening per week plus occasional (1 every two months or so) nights out and handles bed time well on this own.
-he tidies the kitchen after me and DS are in bed.

My concerns when divorcing him are:
-I’m unhappy about parenting on my own 7 days per week due to his work and might be even more unhappy when I also have to cook every day and no time for my weekly hobby.
-I own the flat we live in (bought without mortgage and without contribution from him) and he might be entitled to half of it.
-I know he finds it hard not to see DS every day. Although he works so much, there is a risk that he’d go for 50/50. He’d move back in with his family and let them look after the baby while he is at work. He’d hate living there but they would offer this and it might seem the lesser of two evils for him. I couldn’t accept my baby living with his family for half of the time.

With these risks and downsides, would you still go for a divorce?

Get rid. He chooses to work 7 days. Its not a partnership. What does he contribute if he working 7 days? No fair share. Youll be happier single

The house is now matrimonial property, doesn’t matter if you bought it. 50:50 is the starting point. You could argue you’re entitled to more of the equity based on needs. Particularly if you are the main carer for a young infant.

What is he doing with his money he’s earning? Why is it not for the benefit of the family when you’re married with a young baby? Financially you’d have been better off unmarried with the way things are currently.

We have separate accounts, it was one of his non negotiables when we started our relationship. I’m a high earner and also have my own savings so I was ok with that. He spends a lot on things for himself eg electronics, clothes. He also works a bit cash in hand and I’m sure he had a secret stack of cash I don’t know about.

I would wait it out for a bit.
You're unhappy (granted) but he does offer some practical help and stays with the baby when you are out for the hobby. Will this go away when you divorce? With such a young baby, 50/50 is not really realistic, I think.

Half of the house might be his but so is half of the money yours. How are the finances split?

So you’re ok with half of all the money you had saved now being half his, whilst he spends his money that he earns (working 7 days a week whilst you look after your baby) on whatever he wants?

It really makes no financial sense for women to get married and have kids when they are the financially stronger party.

The longer you are married the worse it is, so if you’re thinking of leaving and divorcing I would start looking into that sooner rather than later.

You nailed it. I wish I didn’t get married in hindsight. But the money isn’t my main concern; I’m worried about depriving DS from his father and about custody arrangements.

I don’t think people should get divorced within 2 years of a baby in most cases. It’s normal to have issues IME. The eeely years are tough. He sound a bit shit with working all the time but the cooking thing is quite helpful. He’s not all bad.
I reckon he will probably step up with interacting with DC in the toddler years like mine did and many of my friends husbands did.

If you divorce then starting point is all marital assets are 50:50 (so the flat and savings for sure) but also parenting, so yes be prepared for him to have your child half the time and have to find a new place to live and run your new home and lifestyle on your income alone.

You sound like you have a pretty sweet set up if he cooks, cleans, you get to go out and do hobbies and socialise. Lots of women with young kids would love this level of support.

If more time together is a non negotiable for you then sounds like you need to go see a marriage counsellor to talk this through?

It’s unlikely he would get 50:50 re: child arrangements when he works 7 days a week!

the court (if it gets that far) will always put the child’s welfare as the paramount factor. 50:50 for a baby this young would not be the norm in any event. He won’t get 50% time so he can leave the baby with his parents.

from the OP

Obviously I tried talking to him, suggested counselling which he refuses…he just would say that he’s doing nothing wrong and I’m trying to pick a fight when I want to address issues.

So doesn’t look like he’d agree

I think the first year of a baby rocks any relationship. On that front, don't be too hasty.

BUT the financial and caring situation is shit. Why doesn't share finances? How are bills split? How are you paying for things? How much do you charge him for childcare?

You could mention divorce? See how he reacts? He might step up.

If he's really desperate to make it work you could use that time to ring fence your property.

It sounds miserable, it's all to his advantage isn't it. He's benefitting from what you give and provide but giving not a right lot.

I'd hope a court would award you more than half given your short marriage and it sounds like you'll be doing more than half of the childcare.

He's selfish and unlikely to change who he fundamentally is. Please don't have another with him.

I would give it some time, OP, they say don't make any decisions about your relationship in the first year at least of having a baby. He is working a lot and that's something to discuss I think rather than pulling the trigger on divorce.

Finances - even if you don't share accounts, how do you split bills and savings, who's the higher earner?

He's doing more than I expected from some of your post, all the cooking and shopping, handles bedtime on his own when needed.

I'd have a frank discussion that you need more quality time to reconnect, 1-2 days off on the weekend and some date nights. Maybe he likes spending the evening with your baby because he's working so much. Does he see working as only benefiting himself or as benefiting you and DS in future?

My DH does all the cleaning, cooking (I've done the odd bit of babywearing batch cooking in daytime when I can), most of the food shopping, takes DS while I shower in the morning and does nighttime changes/brings water. Edit: to be clear, works 2 jobs and some freelancing albeit from home! And is really motivated to earn more for us. I think he's handled having a new baby amazingly but there were still times I really resented him early on and was snapping or mentally really angry over nothing. It is really hard.

But I also understand how much you need to deliberately reconnect and take care of the relationship with stressors like a baby, divorce is in no one's best interest, your baby won't benefit and I think life would be much harder for you. Would you even be okay having time where your baby is not with you and at his dad's? I certainly wouldn't. Let alone suddenly having everything, baby care, all the household stuff, bills and work fall on my shoulders. It's not a decision to be taken lightly.

I was given some advice to not make any major life decisions in this first year of a baby being born and to be honest, ive found that to be a wise guide.

Have you gone back to work yet? I found by 10months I was very ready to go back, DC went into childcare, sleep deprivation was getting better, i stopped bf so wasnt constantly overstimulated, i got some time to myself in the day and felt more able to tackle the bigger issues, including probably addressing some areas where I felt parenting was unequal. If you want to stay, is it worth pursuing the idea of counselling again before making any final decisions? Just because he said no once doesnt mean he might not agree now, especially if the alternative is potentially divorcing.

He’s not very nice to me. What do you actually mean by this? How bad is it?

Bills are split 50/50. My work is another issue, I’m self-employed and work from home, I was happy not to do full time hours because I want to enjoy this first year with DS so we said that we’d get a nanny for a couple of days per week, but DH moans about the costs now and wants me to get work done in the evenings instead (which is sometimes possible in my line of work). But I’m knackered in the evenings so I end up not working much and using up my savings. Although I expect this will get better soon because DS will be in nursery from September.

Being snappy, not interested in my day, pretty much just wants me to leave him alone and do his thing. It doesn’t feel like a relationship anymore where two people enjoy each others company and care about one another

Was it like this before your DC was born?

Give it a year. Then review. If there's no abuse ,addiction ,betrayal id wait till the baby is at least 2.

I’d also say it needs time, but, yes you’ll end up sharing assets, he knows about yours but you don’t know about his, and he’s pushing you around on the work front. Don’t let that happen and find out about his assets/income because you will need to know if the worst does happen.

I would wait op; 2 years. In that time you can be planning your departure if it makes you feel better. Also the departure will be better if it planned. .

you have both had your lives changed massively by new baby and it takes time to settle.

i think my brothers wife would have written what you did after they had their first child. She was so so unhappy with my brother… who was being crap…( he was desperately unhappy and full of regret about baby and thought it had ruined his life - he told me this not the wife) anyway things got better. He sorted himself out ( he did not want to separate for the sake of the child - but he had to do it in his own time) and they now have another child and a good life… I think the scars still show of how awful he was all those years ago but in the whole it’s all good.

Also, if you’ve got a decent co parent, and you have, 50/50 shared care is really best isn’t it? So you need to reflect on that and adjust expectations.

i would say it started to be a bit like this in pregnancy. Some might say it’s abusers handbook, or it is his reaction to pressure. At the moment he just gets so defensive, it’s almost paranoia….for example, he came home yesterday and I asked ‘how was your day’ as probably most would, and he said ‘what do you mean, I was working, are you suggesting I was out and had fun all day?’

Speak to a solicitor. Depending on the length of your marriage, it may be better for you to divorce sooner rather than later. IIRC, in short marriages courts often decide to return people to the financial situation they were in at the date of the marriage.

Having a child may change this, but you'll only know if you get legal advice from a good solicitor.

Yes I’d see a solicitor too on the QT. But also, that conversation, so typical of the hard early days of parenting small children.