Will I regret having a divorce (we have a baby)?

[Cinai]

Things haven’t been great since the birth of our baby (10 months). He didn’t step up the way I expected him to and there is a lot of resentment. He’s not very nice to me, there’s zero interest spending time with each other (e.g. I suggested getting a baby sitter a while ago to go on a date night but he said he prefers spending the evening with our baby). I don’t love him anymore and I think he feels the same. Obviously I tried talking to him, suggested counselling which he refuses…he just would say that he’s doing nothing wrong and I’m trying to pick a fight when I want to address issues. Him choosing to work long hours was always an issue in our relationship, we agreed on Sundays off when we got engaged and full weekends off when we have a baby, this worked for the first few months but he’s now gone back to working 7 days a week. We don’t share finances (his choice) so him working every day and leaving me with childcare every day only benefits him.

He won’t change. I see this now. If we didn’t have a baby this would be a no brainer and I’d be gone yesterday. But now I need to weigh my options more carefully:

-despite everything he loves our baby. When he comes home from work his face lights up when he sees DS. And same goes for my baby. I’d maybe deprive DS from a loving dad.
-He doesn’t want a divorce because he has a perfect set up and will probably try to make this difficult.
-he does all the shopping and cooking for us which makes things easier for me.
-he doesn’t mind me going to my hobby 1 evening per week plus occasional (1 every two months or so) nights out and handles bed time well on this own.
-he tidies the kitchen after me and DS are in bed.

My concerns when divorcing him are:
-I’m unhappy about parenting on my own 7 days per week due to his work and might be even more unhappy when I also have to cook every day and no time for my weekly hobby.
-I own the flat we live in (bought without mortgage and without contribution from him) and he might be entitled to half of it.
-I know he finds it hard not to see DS every day. Although he works so much, there is a risk that he’d go for 50/50. He’d move back in with his family and let them look after the baby while he is at work. He’d hate living there but they would offer this and it might seem the lesser of two evils for him. I couldn’t accept my baby living with his family for half of the time.

With these risks and downsides, would you still go for a divorce?

How long have you been married?

His insistence on separate finances is a big red flag. He essentially does not see you as "full partners", he sees you more like flat mates, separate individuals who share a home and baby. This is no basis for a happy lifetime together.

Did you take the entire financial hit for maternity leave, or did he pay more into the household whilst you couldn't work? If you still paid 50/50 when you had no or very little income, that is completely unfair and bordering on financial abuse.

I would say divorce ASAP - the shorter the marriage, the better off you will be.

Don't worry about the shared parenting. Either he will drop his hours to take the baby for full days, which will benefit you all, or he will carry on working and you can quite rightly refuse to let him take the baby just to drop off with his family whilst he goes to work.
He would have to take you to court, and explain to the judge how his "parenting" time would actually be spent with him out at work at the weekends.

Same happened to me. The scales fall when you have a baby to look after and they're running their own life whilst neglecting you. I divorced. And I don't regret it.

cinai

Separate finances here in your case is a red flag because its another way of he keeping separate from you.

Are you afraid of him and or his reaction if you mention divorce?.

Was he all sweetness and light prior to your pregnancy; pregnancy and birth can be indicators for abusers to then show their true colours. And if he can treat you like this so casually I would not want him to be readily around my child.

If he is that bothered he can visit his child in a contact centre.

He is not much of a husband to you either. 50/50 is but a starting point and I doubt very much he will want to see his child half the week as it will interfere with his Big Job so he will farm out his kid to his parents. He may spout 50/50 but sometimes this is also said as a means of avoiding paying child maintenance.

He is indeed running his own life whilst neglecting you and in turn his child.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce and go from there. Knowledge too is power.

Cinai

You no longer love him. And your baby should not be used as the glue here to keep you in a loveless marriage. Do not stay with him for the sake of the child.

re your earlier comment
"I’m worried about depriving DS from his father and about custody arrangements".

What do you know about your H in terms of his childhood because that often gives clues.

Are you afraid of him and or his reactions?. His reaction to you asking a perfectly normal question e.g how was your day was disproportionate to the response you got from him. He is blaming and or otherwise punishing you; in the head of an abuser it is always someone else's fault and never their own.

Seeing as he currently works seven days a week he is not around much if at all to see his child. As for custody arrangements I would formalise those through the courts.

I think you will regret staying more with a man who clearly isn’t in this with you

is there any chance he would recognise/accept the house is yours and leave it with you if he has his own separate savings?

He sounds mean and miserable. I suspect you would regret not leaving him.

Hi Op can you see things getting any better I.e your relationship sometimes men want a get out clause some just can’t handle the changes. your probably both knackered if your considering a divorce I would speak to him first to see if this is what he wants as well. as for custody he’s not there now so why would he change that. It’s ok saying his eyes light up when he sees dc but he married you and it’s you who he should want to be with as well but you can’t survive being roommates for the next 18 years. Kids are resilient but doing it as they get older it gets harder. Divorce is never easy. just don’t rush into anything without talking it through. Some women only start regretting it when a new woman comes along then it’s too late. Can you imagine your life without him in it.