Name-calling in arguments

[FreedaCarlow]

Could I ask how often name-calling happens in your relationship and if you tolerate it?

DH and I are both mid-40s, married 20 years, and recently - last year or so - have been having a rough patch. At the beginning of this time we would have some horrible arguments which involved name-calling on his part (bitch, whore, fucking c*nt included). This name-calling stopped after a few arguments: several occasions when I told him absolutely not to call me those names ever again. For context, he’d only very rarely name-called when angry before.

Then this week we had an argument and he called me a horrible, horrible person, and said I’d been a “fucking bitch” the night before (actually I’d been mildly irritable with him and for a very good reason, as he later acknowledged). I called him out on it afterwards and he apologised but I had to prompt him to do so. I feel like he doesn’t take the name-calling as seriously as I do and minimises it, but I really hate it. It sticks in my mind afterwards and I would never name-call him - I think I’ve once or twice called him an idiot in anger.

So I’m interested - what’s your toleration for name-calling? Am I over-reacting? I feel like he should respect this boundary which I’ve made really clear, and mostly he does. But these most recent incidents have upset me.

please say you have no children that have to hear their father verbally abusing their mother with the most vile of comments?

Omg you were posting about his vile name calling to you 2 years ago

and you do have children 😢

What happened a year or so ago?.

I would seriously consider planning my exit from this marriage as the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Do not stay with him
because of the kids or for a lifestyle you want to maintain.

You are not overreacting OP.

Yes it occurred to me after writing that that it’s more like 2 years than 1 year.

We do have DC, they have sometimes heard us argue, but rarely - and never recently. DC2 once overheard his dad call me a “horrible woman” and asked me why - I explained it was completely unacceptable to say that and Dad was very upset but that’s no excuse and he wouldn’t be doing it again.

I am aware this is not good for the DC but I do not allow arguments to happen where they can be overheard and they are not shouting- type arguments. I appreciate it sounds like I’m minimising.

It sounds like minimising because you are minimising.

Your dh is escalating op
plus your children are getting older and will be much more aware of their parents unhappy marriage
they will of course hear this abusive name calling

two years ago to start a thread (he physically attacked you fgs) and then back back here in 2025 talking about the same issue… don’t make it another thread in 2027

What happened is that I began a friendship with a male colleague which DH hated/ hates. To be clear this is not a sexual or romantic relationship in any way. We continue to work together and sometimes socialise together, not on our own. The other man is married and there is no romantic spark between us. But that was the trigger.

but I do not allow arguments to happen where they can be overheard

well you “do not allow” vile abusive name calling but that doesn’t stop this nasty twat does it

For some time he’s had an issue with anger and I feel he expresses it excessively/ inappropriately. So sometimes swearing at me or the kids, calling names in arguments, that kind of thing, and I think over-reacting to minor triggers. He has sometimes hurt himself when he is frustrated or angry - punching or breaking things.

At the children too

OP this is patently dire

The other trigger I think is that I changed - as a result of therapy.

Just to clarify, the physical intimidation did stop. DH and I have been in couples’ therapy for a year, I should have mentioned that.

He doesn’t get angry or swear at DC any more.

Omg you minimise epically op

I’ll leave you to it and expect another thread in 2027,!even worse than 2025 and 2023 threads

I have been married 35 years. My husband has never called me names, nor me him. It's not how I would expect a couple to behave.

No name calling, ever, not in over 20 years. You can't take words back with an apology, the effect lingers. We get irritable woth each other from time to time but don't argue much at all.

I know this isn’t a nice thought, but at what point do you accept that he doesn’t love or respect you anymore? Not justifying his behaviour in anyway, just very aware that men rarely leave relationships unless their head is turned. See so many posts where the man is being awful, everyone piles on and says what an arsehole he is (rightfully) but no one seems to ever ask have you considered he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and hasn’t got the balls to leave? So maybe you need to initiate it and should if you’re being treated badly.

I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. DH would never call me any names, even during a disagreement.

The first time he called me a ''fucking bitch'' would be the last time because we'd be done.

This is how I feel - he apologises but I can’t forget it, the words are out there.

I do hear what you are all saying. Thank you for taking the time to post.

The first time my ex called me a nasty bitch, I said I would divorce him if he ever called me names again. He did it a second time and we are now divorced. Your H won't change, he doesn't need to because it has no consequences for him. You don't need to live like that. You have a choice.

What has prevented you from leaving your abuser?.

This man wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Controlling behaviour is abusive behavior and that is also why couples therapy has not worked. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control. You should absolutely be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is patently not the model they should be seeing and potentially emulating in their adulthoods.

I have been in a relationship like this and let me tell you the best case scenario if you stay in it, which is assuming he doesn't become abusive in other ways in the meantime. Eventually, every time he calls you vile disgusting names it will start to upset you just a tiny fraction less because your heart will have hardened towards him a little bit more to protect yourself. And one day he will do it and you will realise that the last flicker of love you had for him has died. Love will turn to loathing. And then you can either separate, or live the rest of your life with someone you despise.

You've told him to stop, I'll bet you have told him how much it upsets you, but he won't stop because he isn't listening and he doesn't care.

His apologies are meaningless because he refuses to take responsibility for his actions. In his abusive head it’s always someone else’s fault, never their own.

Where’s your red line in the sand here, what is it going to take for you to finally cast off your shackles from him and leave?.

I still love him. I’ve built a life with him. We’ve both worked hard since we started therapy. In conversations after angry outbursts he is calm and understanding. I have come to realise that this is a cycle - I said never again last time but here I am again. I do understand that it’s my responsibility to stop it. But I keep hoping and believing things will change.

It’s appalling you’ve been in couples therapy for a year. Clearly your therapist does not recognise the abuse present and you are nowhere near safe enough to undertake such sessions anyway.

Please sack off this therapist. Your energies would instead be better employed seeking legal advice with a view to divorce.

This is the first time he’s name-called in that time - we started seeing her after that behaviour stopped although we did discuss it in therapy. But this behaviour has not been ongoing during therapy, it just happened again.