Name-calling in arguments

[FreedaCarlow]

Could I ask how often name-calling happens in your relationship and if you tolerate it?

DH and I are both mid-40s, married 20 years, and recently - last year or so - have been having a rough patch. At the beginning of this time we would have some horrible arguments which involved name-calling on his part (bitch, whore, fucking c*nt included). This name-calling stopped after a few arguments: several occasions when I told him absolutely not to call me those names ever again. For context, he’d only very rarely name-called when angry before.

Then this week we had an argument and he called me a horrible, horrible person, and said I’d been a “fucking bitch” the night before (actually I’d been mildly irritable with him and for a very good reason, as he later acknowledged). I called him out on it afterwards and he apologised but I had to prompt him to do so. I feel like he doesn’t take the name-calling as seriously as I do and minimises it, but I really hate it. It sticks in my mind afterwards and I would never name-call him - I think I’ve once or twice called him an idiot in anger.

So I’m interested - what’s your toleration for name-calling? Am I over-reacting? I feel like he should respect this boundary which I’ve made really clear, and mostly he does. But these most recent incidents have upset me.

You may well love him but all the words you write are those an abused woman writes. His actions towards you are not loving ones are they?.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you here?. One day they will leave home and your own relationship by then could well be damaged beyond repair because they will accuse you of putting him before them. They certainly will not want to go back to their childhood home nor see you. If you stay that particular scenario is far more likely to happen.

Your therapist does not recognise abuse and should be binned. You are not safe in those sessions.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. It just gives your abusive h more opportunity to abuse you.

Also sound travels within your home and your children likely hear most if not all of the shouting.

Do not kid yourself they do not hear it or they do not know because they bloody well do know and they are emotionally terrified in their bedrooms.

Superb post

I hear you but just to be clear - these are not shouting arguments. Arguments have taken place when DC are asleep and not in earshot. He is generally a much calmer person these days and I’m shaken by this recent incident - but I’m not tolerating a situation in which my kids can hear this stuff, that’s not the issue here.

More minimising

you were posting about his name calling and swearing at the kids and even physically against you… in 2023

and you were downplaying the impact on the children then

2 years later and you’re still doing it op.

Unless you live in a mansion and the children are at boarding school and suffering from serious hearing loss when they’re back for the holidays…. They will be aware of the toxic marriage their parents have carved out and the abusive twat that is their father

To clarify: he shouted/ swore at the DC on a couple of occasions, more than 18 months ago. Has not lost temper once with them since. I am not justifying his behaviour but in relation to DC they are past behaviours. They have not heard him shout at me or call me names either. I do hear what you’re saying but it is important to be clear about what is and isn’t happening here.

But yes you’re right that I am minimising in relation to me I think.

Just to remind you

I am exhausted by it and I hate the arguing and especially the kids hearing.

Recently in arguments DH has started to physically intimidate me in ways I find unpleasant but I think he thinks are ok. So for example - once he shoved something in my face to make me jump. It didn’t touch me though. Another time he smacked me hard on the bum - he was angry at the time and it hurt, he wasn’t joking around either.

OP, you are being abused
your children are growing up in an abusive family home
their father is vile
their mother sticks her head in the sand

And what is happening is you are desperately trying to convince yourself of something that is patently not the reality

I agree absolutely. DH and I have never insulted each other in more than 20 years and I would be stunned if he did.

One long-ago boyfriend started negging me, as he thought it was funny. I told him if he continued our relationship was over and I would walk out. He didn’t try it again. And that was low-level stuff, not the abuse OP has been tolerating.

Again go not kid yourself they do not hear it because they do. Sound travels op.

It is not your fault nor theirs he is conducting his own private based war against you.

You have a choice re your man, they do not. Make better choices with you and your kids front and centre in your head going forward, not him. They will thank you for doing so.

Divorce is not failure op.

This is the truth.

Even if you aren't shouting the kids will know.
Your actions will have long ranging negative effect on them.

This is tragic. Not just what the OP has been enduring for years. But the fact that these children are living with a heinous father and a mother who is desperately trying to convince herself that this is a happy childhood home for her children.

We’ve been married 19 years and we don’t name-call when we argue. I would find it very upsetting if he did,

My ex is extremely angry and petty in the heat of the moment, then the silent treatment begins. In the cold light of day he can seem perfectly reasonable, and he holds a job where diplomacy is key. Yet he just can’t help himself. I’ve told him (as a friend) that he needs anger management as he is a nice person when he’s not like that. But aren’t they all nice until they are not.

Our son is 20 now and we have been split 15yrs, and my son is seeing exactly why I left as he is now piggy in the middle of the same happening to his new partner (who he barely knew before she moved countries and moved in with him). He can’t understand why his dad can’t communicate with his partner. Quite sad in a way I left so kids didn’t see this bad example of a relationship and here he is repeating it. And will keep repeating. I have zero regrets walking away, and yes it has cost me massively financially, but money isn’t everything is it.

You are very seriously minimising the impact of this depressing marriage and awful man upon your children. @FreedaCarlow

very seriously

consequently, I very much expect another thread similar to the last two.

Are your children having therapy yet? Because they will be in need of it. Neither of you are coming out of this as a good parent.

For the children to be having therapy, the parents will have had to have recognised how dire this environment must be for them. And that very evidently hasn’t been grasped yet

Are you seriously asking if being called a fucking bitch should be tolerated? He's gotten in your head. NEVER, NOT ONCE. I'm sorry this is happening to you but I would have left a relationship with a man who could say those things to me a long long time ago.

You have no idea what they have or haven't heard, that's the problem.

And given upthread the op confirmed that two years ago she was posting about their dad swearing at the children… I reckon very reasonable assumption they are acutely aware of what’s going on.

Poor kids 🤦🏼‍♀️

What last two?