Anyone realise attraction to other women later in life?

[BarilynBordeaux]

Just that, really. I’m pretty sure I’m in perimenopause which I don’t know much about in terms of it changing things around sexually? I know I’ve lost a lot of interest in men in general, but I’m also increasingly drawn to women in a romantic way.

im not saying I’ve suddenly realised I’m gay or anything, it’s just something I’ve surprised myself by being more open to. Anyone else hit midlife with an attraction to other women?

I mean that is when the idea that we were all ‘born this way’ - lesbian or heterosexual- was introduced. The magical idea of the gay gene has only been around for the last 100 years.

I agree, social norms - compulsory heterosexuality- influences both thought processes and actions.

You’ve found a way to explain your own sexuality 🤷🏼 Not sure why you think this means you’re an expert when it comes to lesbians - and gay men too though

“The op herself has said she’s not gay”

I said I haven’t suddenly realised I’m gay because I’m not claiming that when I don’t know for sure. I have dated and slept (yes indeed PP! Dug around in a pair of skinny Diesels for a vulva!!) with women in the past but assumed myself to be experimenting as I settled down with a man in the end. For years. That ended some time ago and my attraction to women is still there. I’ve not sworn off men entirely, I’m just…not as into them. Increasingly into women and surprised by it.

I’m sure someone will say this is a drip but I don’t owe anyone my sexual history on the internet

Yes I think this is very much a thing, I’ve seen women have long marriages to men, then when they ended they have started a relationship with a woman. I think it’s partly a recognition that a lot of men aren’t that enjoyable to be in a relationship with and partly about the biological/hormonal drive that makes women “fancy” men because their body is telling them to procreate. Once a woman hits menopause, that drops and leaves women free to look at a wider range of options for a partner.

I discovered my bi side in my 30s. Or rather someone revealed the obvious to me. Evidently l was giving off signs, but l thought it was the first l knew about it. But looking back, yes, it was obvious all along.

My reply might have been construed as this.

In reality had my marriage been ok I would have pootled along as I did for years assuming that this was what it was supposed to be. I went years without questioning it or me.

Once split up I had space to work through my past and realise that my feelings that had been dismissed for years were real, and this meant I was bi, not for feeling special in any way, but for going some way to explain how I’ve felt without having the understanding behind it. I haven’t come out to anyone, and won’t unless I meet someone. Whatever my orientation though I won’t have another relationship with a man because life’s too short and I’m done with that.

Comp het is absolutely a thing, but I do know there are “Gold Star” lesbians who would touch a late in life lesbian with a bargepole, and that’s absolutely fine. Who wants to have a relationship with someone who’s judging you.

There’s also an element of people assuming their experience is the only valid way to be, but we’re human, with different feelings, experiences, different lives.

If I look back at my younger years, I wasn’t attracted to anyone. I married and had children because that’s what you did. I didn’t really feel anything at all until my 40s.

Yes. Looking back, I think I’ve always been attracted to women, but when I was growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, being a lesbian just never seemed like a choice for me. All my friends and family were in traditional, heterosexual relationships and I knew I wanted children.

I had a few flings with girls in my late teens and have always secretly fantasised about women, but never allowed myself to really acknowledge this side of myself. None of my relationships with men worked out and when the last long term partner and I split 10 years ago, I decided to stay single.

Over time, the feelings about women began to intensify and I was having dreams about sleeping with female colleagues. I decided to be brave and go online and explore a bit. First date, I met my current partner. It was pretty much live at first sight for both of us (in true lesbian fashion!) and we’ve been together for 3 years and I’ve never been happier Shes gorgeous, kind, caring, considerate and we have amazing sex!

Regarding comp het (I posted upthread) if I am feeling 'amorous', I think about women. If I play a celebrity 'who would I sleep with' game, it's women as often as men. When out and about it's women that catch my eye. For years I assumed this was simply conditioning in a society where we are flooded with sexualised images of women, and why it never occurred to me that I might not be straight. And with no experience, and no plans on getting any, this realisation won't make any difference to my life (I am not planning a divorce). And maybe it is social conditioning - how would I know? But where I grew up (rural, northern 70s/80s), sexuality was assumed and alternatives weren't talked about. Which is why it just never occurred to me. It seems like there are a number of women like me who are learning things about themselves later in life, precisely because things weren't talked about when we were young. It's right that we are able to talk about them now, and I am pleased that nowadays, young people in most cases understand there are alternatives (I do think comp het is still a thing, btw, but less so than it was years ago).

For many of us @BarilynBordeaux our sexuality isn't one thing or another. It is in flux at different times, stages and ages.

Sometimes straight, a bit bi, gay, maybe sapiosexual, pansexual or maybe even asexual. Women in particular seem a lot less binary in their sexuality. I think most of us shoe-horn ourselves into something due to social pressure, but if we'd been left uninfluenced by heteronormativity brainwashing, we'd have just free floated around, sexually, just doing whatever we fancied.

The one thing that comes out of all of this really is that the almighty penis is NOT the be-all and end-all heterosexuality thinks it is!

I think it seems to be something about the perimenopause / menopause where you really don’t care any more so maybe women feel freer to say how they really feel?

And for those of us growing up under Section 28, from what I have read and heard anecdotally, there is still some shame / embarrassment at the thought of being a lesbian or gay. And being bi is even ‘worse’ - that’s still not taken seriously by many people. And there’s loads of us out there who probably have all sorts of thoughts and feelings but haven’t ever told anyone. Eg no one has ever asked me so I’ve never said.

Things can get further complex if a man finds out you are bi. Then, they often expect you to bring a friend along, or ask for a floor show.

Love the line 'doing whatever we fancied' @ClawsandEffect 😄.

God, men are so dull.

Yeah, whatever, not WHOever LOL X

What is compulsary heterosexuality? And why particularly women? I mean I don’t doubt there are many women who do marry, have children because it’s expected of them, and run a family home etc. a biological need/want to have children so I can see how that could be a very strong reason and more so than men but I’ve never heard it. I just googled it briefly and it seems it’s actually thing