Lonely marriage what am I supposed to do

[Cowsgomoomoo]

Me and my husband always had a brilliant marriage he had a business with a best friend who ended up screwing him
over. He started a new business and asked me to join him to help so I gave up my work to help him. It wasn’t making enough money so he joined forces with another guy and did well for abit until the business partner again turned out to be a bad egg much like the best friend did. It has got us into some debt- which we are paying off and has stopped us renovating our house which needs doing but over all- I’m back working doing my job and he has a job now which he was very lucky to get straight away. Thing is he is just never ever happy or satisfied he’s stressed all the time. It has been a rollercoaster with his businesses but he has completely changed. I run the whole house pretty much on my own we have kids who I do absolutely 99% of things for- I work- I do all the cooking all the washing all the cleaning the dog walking everything - our sex life died months ago now I don’t even try to initiate it- it’s got that bad he just never wants to. He wouldn’t even text if I didn’t I don’t think. He’s said once he thinks he’s depressed . I’ve suggested seeing a doctor? No. Doesn’t want to he’s fine he says.
but how long can I go on feeling really lonely and alone here? I do not want to divorce or split. I love him. But he is just gone in his head. He has a motorbike plays golf
once a week has a supportive family with me and his birth family- I don’t have a supportive birth family so I’m literally alone with kids most of time or working. I don’t feel I have much time for my own life. I don’t mind him going out but what I do mind is him shutting off from me I feel like he’s missing something in life that I cannot give him. I have put on a little weight probably because I’m on my own a lot rushed off my feet busy so maybe im
not attractive to him I don’t know. I’m just not sure if it’s depression or he just doesn’t want me anymore or what!? I’ve tried hard to be a good wife and wait and help him but how long does this go on for?! He won’t barely talk to me about why he’s like this so I’m in the dark

This is not on. Sit him down and tell him you have been happy to support him through this episode but now you need support. You need to do a hobby once a week and you need to share the running of the household.

I’ve tried to talk to him
but he won’t talk to me really. It’s impossible! He says he has a lot of pressure on him and it’s hard for him. But I promise you it’s hard for me too 🫣

Hi, it sounds like you are going through a rough patch right now but things may improve if it’s related to the stress. It sounds like your husband is a bit too trusting in business, his confidence may have taken a knock too.

Its horrible when you feel lonely in a marriage, I have that too. You go through all sorts of feelings so hope you get back on track soon.

Thankyou for replying yes it’s been a rough patch for months maybe years really he’s not been himself. Sometimes I think he’s searching for happiness elsewhere not romantically but I’m kind of accepting im
needed at home and its like he needs other things to make him happy.🤷 I can’t change that!
I hope you are okay being lonely in a marriage is tough.

I feel sorry for him if he does feel depressed about the difficulty with his businesses but ultimately he needs to be responsible and see someone about his mental health as it is impacting his family. It is not fair on you or your children. I would state this clearly with him and tell him you expect him to see a GP or therapist.

I've lived with a depressed person who wouldn't get help and it is terribly lonely. You start to lose yourself. Don't let this happen to you.

I feel sorry for him too. I don’t want to make it about me but it’s been going on so so long now it’s hard I feel like a single mum/woman!
and I don’t want to be. I want to have my best friend back my lover back- dad back! X

It does seem that very few marriages stay with both parties being happy - and explains why so many end. With us it feels like I don’t exist other than being a parent and I don’t see that changing in the next decade.

I really hope it’s temporary for you and once debts are down, business is up it all turns around. I do think keeping hope and positive attitude is important even though it is so hard to do.

I think it’s hard having children and keeping the magic alive and remembering why you liked each other in the first place! And I hope you both manage to move forward and he sees you for the woman you are not just a parent! I hope so too I just feel… perhaps I have contributed to this also I mean I’ve always been his best friend and tried to help but we bought a house that needed work and maybe I created stress too now I wish we never did lol but it is a great house … I only ever wanted to do this for us as a family as an investment for the kids future etc. x

In our case it’s my wife that is not interested in me but the feelings etc work both ways round. She refuses to talk to me and told me her focus is only on the children not acknowledging without us being there for each other the family unit cracks start to show. I focus on our brilliant children and keeping my mind on hobbies and tasks once everyone else is asleep as being in bed next to someone who is not interested is not enjoyable.

Really unhelpful and no substance to that message.

im sorry to hear this- I never understand why people refuse to talk and just let things get bad over time. I genuinely don’t understand… have you been married long?

My partner was depressed. I felt like a victim of depression too. It's so hard on all those around.i really feel for u OP. I think some tough love is needed. I can't see it magically getting better overnight; if it does it will rear it's head again. He needs to accept he needs intervention, counselling etc because it can't continue for you all as a family.

Someone once said to me before saving someone else you need to put your own life jacket on. This is so true OP.

Yes - I agree. I have been lenient but I’ve started speaking up loudly about it now because it’s getting worse and worse. I feel stuck down this rabbit hole he’s taken us down and he won’t let us out of. I know he isn’t a bad man infact he’s the kindest hardest working man and this has all got to him. But he’s stubborn too and old fashioned and thinks he can sort it all out on his own. He definitely can’t! Thankyou for the thoughtful reply x

Hi, sorry I have no advice but I'm basically in the same situation. I feel like I'm living with a roommate tbh. I do nearly everything with the (3) kids, nearly all cooking/cleaning plus I'm doing a law degree at uni and he works and doesn't do anything else. He has a job where he regularly stays up for the whole night working and always talks about how 'stressed' he is yet does nothing to find another job. Me ever being stressed is never mentioned of course, just him.

We do not spend any time at all together, he's either working or sleeping and makes me feel very bad for wanting him to spend any time with me cause he's 'tired and stressed' and says that I 'only think about myself'. I've pretty much given up asking now. We don't really have sex either except on the random occasions when he wants to. He also doesn't want me to ever suggest sex myself, which is just shit really.

He never wants to go out anywhere or do anything at all either, he'd ideally just stay inside forever. It's so tiring always being the one to suggest doing anything. He also always gets into random shit moods which I'm sick of tbh.

Sorry, this has turned into an essay but just wanted to say I understand how you feel x

I just try to do other things as much as I can to distract myself, when it's term time at uni there's obviously uni work but it's harder now that it's the holidays.

Feel for you. You sound very warm.

You might sounds this advice helpful. Sometimes boundaries do eventually need to be drawn to force the situation. It could be the case here.

Link

See above sorry

As you gradually set limits, symptoms may initially worsen, but will then improve as your spouse learns how to deal with your boundaries. As long as you are setting healthy boundaries and not trying to change everything all at once, you will be helping your spouse to improve.

The most important boundaries for you to set are the ones that enable you to enjoy your relationship. If you stop enjoying your relationship, you will start to wonder why you should stay in it. To prevent resentment, you need to set limits on your time, and be especially sure to continue to work on your own life goals.

It is also important to say “no” to any behaviors which help to maintain your spouse’s symptoms. Reassurance, for example, is a behavior which may seem to help your anxious spouse in the short run but creates a reassurance addiction that maintains the anxiety. Reassuring an anxious person is no more helpful than giving alcohol to an alcoholic. You are feeding the addiction

I did have a little omg moment reading that- I’m always the one to suggest doing things. How exhausting is it!!!? I’m so over that and I can laugh about it abit. But yeah- ridiculous!
don’t feel sorry for replying it’s sad but comforting to know someone else has similar - although I’m sorry you are in it too. X

Whenever I speak up he fights it or takes it as me putting pressure on him- or nagging or well anything negative! I’ve started to feel like just stay quiet it’s easier but I’m slowly suffocating that way because not speaking about it is forcing me into a life where I’m really sad and alone in my marriage.
i have friends etc- but this marriage was my everything and I loved it! I really enjoyed being with him.
hes now an angry soul who doesn’t want to discuss or talk about why. and im pushed to the side 🤷

Yes we have - 15 years. The switch off started after our youngest was born on now it’s nearly a year without any physical touch.

Yes. He doesn’t want you to set limits but you will have to. You're not wrong but maybe you can refine your approach a bit.

Have a read of this

Boundaries

Could it be post natal depression or the stress of a new baby? Just throwing it out there because I know after having one of my children I really suffered. Timing and all could be?

Good boundaries either:

prevent harmful actions,

make them more difficult to do,

take away the rewards of the bad behavior, and/or

provide increased reasons not to do a harmful behavior.