Lonely marriage what am I supposed to do

[Cowsgomoomoo]

Me and my husband always had a brilliant marriage he had a business with a best friend who ended up screwing him
over. He started a new business and asked me to join him to help so I gave up my work to help him. It wasn’t making enough money so he joined forces with another guy and did well for abit until the business partner again turned out to be a bad egg much like the best friend did. It has got us into some debt- which we are paying off and has stopped us renovating our house which needs doing but over all- I’m back working doing my job and he has a job now which he was very lucky to get straight away. Thing is he is just never ever happy or satisfied he’s stressed all the time. It has been a rollercoaster with his businesses but he has completely changed. I run the whole house pretty much on my own we have kids who I do absolutely 99% of things for- I work- I do all the cooking all the washing all the cleaning the dog walking everything - our sex life died months ago now I don’t even try to initiate it- it’s got that bad he just never wants to. He wouldn’t even text if I didn’t I don’t think. He’s said once he thinks he’s depressed . I’ve suggested seeing a doctor? No. Doesn’t want to he’s fine he says.
but how long can I go on feeling really lonely and alone here? I do not want to divorce or split. I love him. But he is just gone in his head. He has a motorbike plays golf
once a week has a supportive family with me and his birth family- I don’t have a supportive birth family so I’m literally alone with kids most of time or working. I don’t feel I have much time for my own life. I don’t mind him going out but what I do mind is him shutting off from me I feel like he’s missing something in life that I cannot give him. I have put on a little weight probably because I’m on my own a lot rushed off my feet busy so maybe im
not attractive to him I don’t know. I’m just not sure if it’s depression or he just doesn’t want me anymore or what!? I’ve tried hard to be a good wife and wait and help him but how long does this go on for?! He won’t barely talk to me about why he’s like this so I’m in the dark

Some of the most important times to use boundaries are if you’ve been feeling disrespected, neglected, or stuck in damaging patterns with your spouse. They are the healthy substitute for needy behaviors such as blaming, arguing, and repeatedly talking about problems. These needy behaviors make relationships worse.

You can’t argue or blame your way to a better relationship, and repeatedly talking about problems while taking no good actions, will lose you respect.

Don’t expect your spouse to like your boundaries.

In the face of your boundaries, your spouse will be angry and defensive. Refusing to do something your spouse wants, like having an open marriage, is a good boundary which will protect your marriage. Don’t expect your spouse to like it or agree with it, however.

People often overcomplicate why their spouse, kids, elected officials, or others do bad things. The answer is simple—because they want to, because they can, and because the consequences for doing so don’t outweigh the benefits for them to do what they do.

If you are repeatedly explaining to your spouse why you don’t like something, consider that it may be time to use a healthy boundary instead

I read the link but I cannot see an example of a boundary I can use which I’m not already doing? Obviously we have boundaries about cheating etc but how can you have a boundary about shutting off emotionally from someone? I can’t force him to open up

OP please don't say "I don't want to make this about me." You very much need to make this about you because who else will look out for you ? You need to advocate for yourself and your life.

It's not about making your husband bad – he isn't. But he's acting in ways that are very hard for you. He's depressed, yes, but you sound very depressed and isolated yourself. You have really done your best to support him at every stage. You need some support for yourself now too. It's hard not to turn on yourself when you're in such an isolated position – and it sounds like that's what you're doing. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're doing your best in a very very difficult situation.

I am trying to do my best with young kids and no support yeah..it has been stressful on me all this I will admit and now dealing with him cutting off- it’s just really lonely! Luckily I work and am busy with the kids and animals etc but ultimately I’m a simple girl and just want my husband back!

Being in a lonely marriage is really shit. I can definitely relate. I think it comes down to you have to accept it for what it is or leave. Either you learn to make yourself happy despite your avoidant spouse or you go crazy trying to fix an unfixable problem.

The main thing is to begin focusing on yourself and getting your needs met by yourself. Figure out what you want to do and do it on your own. If you need a friend then be a friend to others. Spend more of your time outside of your marriage, volunteer, join a club, hobby, gym. You need to learn to fulfill your own wants and needs and be happy just with yourself. Work towards personal goals?
If you can stop focusing on your dp as the central problem or answer then you can be happy. I think we sometimes expect too much of our dp ( not always). When you look for happiness within yourself you begin to realize that noone can take that from you. You become responsible for your own wellbeing, and that is freedom. Best of luck.

Yes this is very true. I guess I have put all my feelings into this box and have felt like a sadness or grief over it. I should put more into myself I think i have just been expected to give so much and forgot about myself. Plus I genuinely love the man and care for him and his well being and happiness. I think ultimately if I’m honest he doesn’t care for mine as much. Not saying he’s bad or nasty but i probably care too much. X

You’ll be amazed that if you start doing as @Whataretalkingaboutsuggests, you’ll feel much better in yourself as you meet people / make friends / share your troubles - he will notice how your mood has lifted too. It might be enlightening for both of you. Possible too little too late for him….

I’ve got friends and my own career etc I think I just wanted this to work. I guess I’ve been banging on a closed door for a very long time and I should walk away abit and suit myself make myself happy again… it does get sad and lonely banging on the door and one answers here metaphorically speaking . I just didn’t want to give up. I feel if I do walk away abit who is going to save this. I really do not want to split up!

OP You asked about boundaries. In this case the boundary is you doing more Self Care and less care of him. You cannot make him want to care for you.

In parallel to this, try to identify ANY errors you could improve your skills. Are you an excellent listener? Are you really good at Validating

Dont tiptoe around him but make the (fewer) interactions you do have pleasurable for him (and you). Keep them short. You need to cultivate a relationship where he realises, by himself, what an arse he is being and how fabulous you are. You do this by learning some new skills and behaviors yourself and keeping the amount of contact you give him LESS than he really wants, whilst still maintaining some contact.

While you are alone, you forget about him and absolutely throw yourself into enjoying yourself independently of him. Stop wishing for him to want you. Forget it. He has to come to that conclusion by himself. You make YOu want YOU. Forget focusing on him.

@Cowsgomoomoo I am sure you are a generous loving person who deserves to be loved and adored. But some people are not capable of giving as much as we do. That doesn't make them bad ; they just aren't capable of meeting all of our needs. And that is ok.

If you can lower your expectations and be much more gentle with yourself things will improve immensely. It requires a conscious change in attitude and actions. Be good to yourself. Your mood will improve immensely and that will change the dynamics of your relationship eventually.

I really wish you much happiness!

I think this is excellent advice. Thankyou 🥰 very much. I was half expecting everyone to say oh how selfish of you lol and actually not one person has said that. I have been the total opposite I guess it has conveyed correctly here. I will try enjoy my life and stop chasing lol.

If after a decent while of being fun, enjoying yourself, not pushing, and being absolutely enjoyable during those interactions you do have, you see no progress in how lonely you feel, consider a further boundary as in suggest a separation.

If he has been experiencing you has a fabulous, fun partner who does not push him to change, this will wake him out of his stupor. Be serious and matter of fact about it. Make plans for how you would manage it.

This has to be carefully managed and you need to follow through.

If he doesnt feel this is a real threat then he needs to wake up and you can be the one to wake him up. Stop chasing.

It is very hard not to feel heartbroken with it all though. I will try move away emotionally and do my own thing abit. But I do feel I’m losing him and he wants way more than I give him in life - and it’s all about him. It does really cut deep. I never imagined this would happen to us. I’m quite an introvert even though I have friends i don’t really enjoy alot
of social things 🤣 my job is social too and sometimes I just like being at home! Such a boring cow. 🤣

There's nothing wrong with you. Please stop talking yourself down. Grow your self esteem and validate yourself.

Introverts have as much value as extroverts.

If this is "all about him" it shows you how unbalanced you've allowed it to become.

Relationships are supposed to be on balance, about you, about him and about the bond between you. He is showing you that, at least for now he is not going to take care you you, so you need to do that.

He may or may not change his view. You dont control that, but you can influence it by being the best possible version of yourself. But even then, dont make your feeling about your value dependent on him.

And as for the heartbreak of course it is terribly sad. But dont talk yourself out of your feelings, and dont stuff them in a box. Validate them, soothe them, become your best and most loving and most trusted supporter. Be there for yourself until you trust yourself deeply.

Good advice. It’s hard to see clearly and focus when you are the one lost in the woods. I appreciate the help thankyou

I’m posting to mark my place and come back. Sympathy OP. I can relate. I’m massively struggling with similar issues and am burned out from caring/responsibility but know I feel better about things when I focus more on myself and less on the problematic dynamics. I’m currently wondering what I can outsource so I can free up myself. Meal delivery boxes don’t seem quite the solution but I’m trying to see where I can step up and support me as no one else is going to do it.

Your H feels a failure, he went into business with two men who screwed him over, one of which was a friend, so he feels like he can’t trust anyone. The debts you’ve had to pay off and not being able to renovate, he has took personally. He feels like a bad H and father as he couldn’t make his business work, even though it was out of his control, he blames himself.
I would tell him, you understand how he feels, but he needs help to come to terms with what happened and not feel he failed. You need to say that you feel lonely, you are doing everything yourself, and you don’t know how long you can cope feeling so alone and coping with everything on your own.

I totally understand this and I’ve explained he isn’t a failure many times I’ve also told him how I feel many times. I’m just stone walled.

Another approach is to avoid reassurance and cheerleading.
He may see this as downplaying his emotions & invalidating

Try to validate the emotion. What does he feel? Sad, angry, disappointed, whatever.

Pinpoint the emotion and simply say 'I understand that you feel 'sad/angry/xyz' about xyz'. Leave it there. Don't bring your feelings into it for now, he clearly isn't ready to take them on board. Find somewhere else to get them heard. Write them down in a diary. See a counsellor. For now, don't put them on him.

Nothing more & no cheerleading and down-playing.
Leave him to think about it.

As needed, re-validate. Don't get your own emotions involved. Don't 'reassure' or explain how you feel for now.

Focus on dealing your own feelings without him for now
That is recognising them, as needed expressing them. This is part of your Self Care

(This process will test you and you will become stronger as a result)

INFO ON FEELINGS:
The four prime emotions of fear, anger, grief and joy & these give most people lots of trouble, both in having them, dealing with them and communicating about them.

You can visualised your emotions as being kept in a POT

The Pot is real, not imaginary. You have one. I have one. It is where a person stores all the unexpressed feelings or emotions. Physically the Pot is the muscular structure of your body. The way I see it, everytime you do not express an appropriate emotion or an appropriate level of energy, your muscles bunch up and get tense somewhere in your body. You have to. These muscles stay tense for a long time. They may stay that way for the rest of your life.

If you come from a family like many, which discouraged all expression of feelings, all your Anger, Sadness and Joy may have found its way into your POT, and still be sitting there. This is why people sometimes burst into tears when someone gives them a massage. The POT was opened for a moment.

Fear: from the point of view of energy, a constrictive or contracting emotion. Fear makes a person hold in (like your husband is doing). Talk about your fears with a safe person to address them. Talk to a counsellor.

Anger, Sadness, Joy needed to be Safely expressed

Anger - punch a punchball as needed. Move your body.

Sadness - cry deeply at films, songs, whatever as needed . Talk to a counsellor.

Joy - laugh and run around

Don't: Numb Out (all the addictions: alcohol, drugs, religion, chocolate, french fries, sex, TV, etc. These are all based on the idea that “if I do this thing I won’t feel my feelings.” )

Read the four part article on emotions:

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/236

thankyou for your detailed help it really is kind x

You're welcome

You'll find a lot of other good info on Relational Safety, Clinging/Avoiding and Other important in that same website so do some deeper reading instead of chasing him ;-) Hugs