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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nitpicking partner

29 replies

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:40

How to cope with this?

Whenever I open my mouth DP trips me up and corrects me with what I've said or clarifies what I actually mean.

I've pulled him up on it and he says he does it to everyone.

He doesn't understand how difficult and unpleasant it is to have a conversation with him because of it.

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 14:42

How does the rest of the conversation go?
He corrects you, you confront him with his unpleasant behaviour, he says he does it to everyone... And then what happens?
Do you leave it at that?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 14:42

How long have you been together?

You do not have to put up with this from him.

Whatifitallgoesright · 04/07/2025 14:43

I'd be interested to know if he does this at work.

MakingPlans2025 · 04/07/2025 14:44

Whatifitallgoesright · 04/07/2025 14:43

I'd be interested to know if he does this at work.

Exactly this. And to other men, or just women

TwistedWonder · 04/07/2025 14:45

Deal breaker for me I’m afraid. He sounds like a patronising condescending fucker who thinks he’s superior to you (and possibly others)

Id last about 2 minutes either someone like that but it’s your call whether you accept it

Flashout · 04/07/2025 14:46

Bin him.

There you go, fixed that for you.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 04/07/2025 14:46

He can’t be popular or have many friends doing that.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 04/07/2025 14:49

I also hate being in the company of people who do that to their partners. One minute a friend is telling me for example at 3pm we went for dinner and then partner pipes up no it was 4. This was constant correction of minor detail that isn’t crucial to the story so why correct. Said couple are no longer married 🙈

RebelMums · 04/07/2025 14:50

Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 14:42

How does the rest of the conversation go?
He corrects you, you confront him with his unpleasant behaviour, he says he does it to everyone... And then what happens?
Do you leave it at that?

This sounds very unpleasant and toxic - total mansplaining. How would you like him to be with you?

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:54

Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 14:42

How does the rest of the conversation go?
He corrects you, you confront him with his unpleasant behaviour, he says he does it to everyone... And then what happens?
Do you leave it at that?

I haven't confronted him in a big way until recently. Usually I just sigh and stop talking.

More recently I pulled him up and he said he was a nitpicker. When he continued to do it i said it was driving me crazy.

Now hes started stopping himself when he realises and says Im nitpicking again.

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:54

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 14:42

How long have you been together?

You do not have to put up with this from him.

2 years

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:54

MakingPlans2025 · 04/07/2025 14:44

Exactly this. And to other men, or just women

Pretty sure he does. He always seems to have fall outs at work.

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 14:56

Do you want to keep dating him? This is as good as the relationship will be, he's meant to be enhancing your life and making it easier and fun
If he's failing to do that, discard him.

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:56

RebelMums · 04/07/2025 14:50

This sounds very unpleasant and toxic - total mansplaining. How would you like him to be with you?

Just let me fucking speak without nitpicking stuff when he knows what I fucking mean.

I went to a work event last night and honestly I met some new people and realised how amazing it was to speak without someone nitpicking me all the time.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 14:58

You have a choice re this man and if this is what he is like two years in, another 3-5 years of the same from him will destroy you emotionally.

This is who he really is. Do not rely on some ultimately forlorn hope that he will somehow change and become a better person.

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 15:00

He is ND and has OCD if that changes things

OP posts:
Flashout · 04/07/2025 15:00

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 15:00

He is ND and has OCD if that changes things

No it doesn’t.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 15:00

Nope. Do you want to keep dating him?

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 15:02

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 15:00

Nope. Do you want to keep dating him?

I don't know. Since I told him how it makes me feel he does seem to be making an effort not to do it. Perhaps i should have said something before now.

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 15:05

Perhaps he should have corrected his poor behaviour choices before now.

Women are not training centres for men, you could be enjoying life instead of dating this bloke.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/07/2025 15:10

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 14:54

I haven't confronted him in a big way until recently. Usually I just sigh and stop talking.

More recently I pulled him up and he said he was a nitpicker. When he continued to do it i said it was driving me crazy.

Now hes started stopping himself when he realises and says Im nitpicking again.

It sounds like you've made him realise he's got a fairly big personality flaw.

And to be fair to him, he's understood that it's not exactly a nice thing to be around. He's taking steps to change himself, he's catching himself when he does it and stopping himself. It's not going to be a quick process to train himself out of it though.

Someone I worked with in my late 20's pointed out to me that I finished pretty much every sentence with a nervous laugh, and that it made me sound like I didn't have any faith in what I was saying.

I had no idea I did it, and honestly, I hated them a little bit for telling me. From that point on I heard it every single time I did it, and it made me lose a lot of confidence in speaking. I successfully trained myself out of doing it, and I'm glad now that they told me, because if they hadn't I'd still be doing it, and people would take me less seriously than they do now.

Your boyfriend is in the same position. He's realised that a fundamental part of himself is something that other people dislike, and he probably hates himself a little every time he does it at the moment. But he is trying to fix it.

Whether he succeeds, noone knows. And you don't have to hang around to find out if you don't want to. I'd find someone correcting everything I said a massive turn off, and would probably have just dumped them without telling them why. But the fact he is at least trying to stop doing it would give me pause for thought.

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 15:11

I'm wondering how on earth you've put up with him doing this for so long before telling him to stop. 2 years! I couldn't be doing with it for 2 months.

Bananalanacake · 04/07/2025 15:12

Don't let him move in with you, he will drive you bonkers

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 04/07/2025 15:14

Everyone has annoying traits and habits. A relationship is the perfect place to point these out and help each other be better humans. Relationships break down when people are inflexible and refuse to change / get defensive rather than listen. Sounds like he isn’t reacting like this and is happy to improve himself.

TheLurpackYears · 04/07/2025 15:15

Any diagnoses he has shouldn't make a difference, he's your partner not your child.
My ex was like this (different diagnosis, same issue), I developed a speech impediment around him.