Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is texting checking?

43 replies

ZNC · 04/07/2025 11:49

I’ve been married nearly 5 years, two children ages 2 yard old and an 8 month old baby.
My husband has, on numerous occasions, felt the need to send flirty and inappropriate texts to other women during our relationship. I set the boundaries and told him I thought it was unacceptable very early on in our relationship but he’s continued to do it for 11 years. I feel like I’ve always turned a blind eye because we have a lovely life, our children are young, and he promises it’s only texts and he hasn’t done anything more.

The texts vary from ‘good morning beautiful woman’ to asking a work colleague to be his plus one to a white collar boxing event. He doesn’t call me beautiful, and he didn’t ask me to be his plus one! He’s text a woman saying ‘Nice to see you last night, I’ve always loved your arse’ and most texts are accompanied by a red love heart emoji.

I don’t know if I’m a fool for staying or if I need to get over myself and be grateful for the life he’s given me. I’ve invaded his privacy on every occasion by looking through his phone, which I know is wrong, but he’s made me paranoid, ruined my self esteem as I’m obviously not enough for him, and left me questioning if I can do a whole lifetime of paranoia and wondering who’s taking his fancy next.

I want to do what’s right for my children as well as myself but I’m confused.

OP posts:
Upsetbetty · 04/07/2025 11:55

Yes well you are letting him away with it so why should he stop?! Do you not think you deserve better? I wouldn’t stay…

Upsetbetty · 04/07/2025 11:56

And staying is not the right thing to do for your dc either…

JustGiveMeWineNow · 04/07/2025 11:56

Ah op those messages are awful. They gave me the ick!
Is he grateful to you for two lovely children?
I would be having this out with him and don’t be apologising for looking at his phone. Those messages are unacceptable.

purplepie1 · 04/07/2025 11:58

What an absolute c**t to be doing that to you! I never use that word and hate it but it’s the only one appropriate for him.

Speak to someone in real life who you trust and that will give you the confidence to leave.

get your finances sorted and take copies of his bank statements, pensions etc.

then work out a plan to leave.

do not tell him just now. He knows he is hurting you and doesn’t care.

RealEagle · 04/07/2025 12:01

Why is he taking a work colleague as a plus one and not you? Think you have turned a blind eye for to long and no you should not be grateful for the life he has given you.He sounds like a fucking pig,

SpryCat · 04/07/2025 12:02

Of course you’re paranoid, your husband seems to be actively looking for female attention and an affair. He has no respect for your feelings and probably takes great delight in keeping you on your toes!
For your own peace of mind and self worth, I’d leave him as he has is doing his best to make you feel ‘not enough’ and the relationship unstable. He then makes out you should be grateful to be married to a cunt of the first order!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 12:02

If the shoe was on the other foot, he would not be so forgiving. Turning a blind eye has really done you no favours at all and you are likely a shadow of the person you once were.

Do not remain in such a marriage for the sake of a lifestyle or the kids, they will not say thanks mum to you for doing that. I would consider seeking legal advice, you do not have to act on it immediately and knowledge is power.

Original poster
ZNC · 04/07/2025 12:04

I don’t know how to be without him, I’ve been with him since I was 22. I don’t have any other family, he’s is my family. I’m on maternity leave so have no income, he pays for my car, my phone, gives me money every month to live on. He’s very generous in that way but then he does these things that hurt me so much. I miscarried our baby in August 2023 and he went to work the next day, knowing that I was absolutely broken. He’s his own boss and chooses when he works, but even if he was employed, I’d expect him to call in sick in a situation like that. I don’t think he respects me.

OP posts:
Alltheyellowbirds · 04/07/2025 12:05

What the actual F? No, that is not ok.

TwistedWonder · 04/07/2025 12:05

Of course it’s cheating - anything involving intimate contact with another person you need to hide from your partner is cheating imo.
And you have no idea whether he’s ever got physical with any of these women or not.

Because you’ve turned a blind eye for so long you’ve basically given him permission to act inappropriately without consequences. No man with any respect treats his partner like this.

The first time a man did this to me he’d be gone - is he really worth being a doormat?

And are you happy for your kids to grow up thinking it’s ok for men to cheat as long as mum sticks her fingers in her ears and goes ‘la la la not listening’

Upsetbetty · 04/07/2025 12:08

ZNC · 04/07/2025 12:04

I don’t know how to be without him, I’ve been with him since I was 22. I don’t have any other family, he’s is my family. I’m on maternity leave so have no income, he pays for my car, my phone, gives me money every month to live on. He’s very generous in that way but then he does these things that hurt me so much. I miscarried our baby in August 2023 and he went to work the next day, knowing that I was absolutely broken. He’s his own boss and chooses when he works, but even if he was employed, I’d expect him to call in sick in a situation like that. I don’t think he respects me.

I was with my ex for nearly 20 years from the age of 20. Granted, my children were a bit older. I went to university. I got myself a really good job and then I left. It’s much nicer being able to rely on yourself rather have to rely on somebody else believe me! Even if you have to go on benefits for a little while you will feel so much better. Did you go to university on training anything? Do you have any work experience in any area?

SpryCat · 04/07/2025 12:09

No he doesn’t respect you, he thinks he’s god and you should be grateful, he’s putting up with you. He’s obviously not faithful or looking for other women and enjoys you snooping, he likes that he can hurt you, but you turn a blind eye because you are dependent on him. He enjoys being cruel, he enjoys your fear, that he will meet someone else and he loves that he is in control.

Original poster
ZNC · 04/07/2025 12:13

Upsetbetty · 04/07/2025 12:08

I was with my ex for nearly 20 years from the age of 20. Granted, my children were a bit older. I went to university. I got myself a really good job and then I left. It’s much nicer being able to rely on yourself rather have to rely on somebody else believe me! Even if you have to go on benefits for a little while you will feel so much better. Did you go to university on training anything? Do you have any work experience in any area?

Show quote history

That’s amazing, it must be a great feeling to take back that power and do it for yourself. I have a career as an audiologist but I’ve only worked part time since having our first child so I have no savings. And if I left him I’d have to work full time and miss out on my babies growing up. I’m so conflicted because we actually get on really well, and we are compatible, but then I feel like he shits on that by doing things like this.

OP posts:
Itsseweasy · 04/07/2025 12:15

You can call him “very generous” for paying for everything.
I call it controlling.
He’s got you nicely isolated too.
I wonder whether he would continue to be so generous if you pulled him up on his horrible texts to other women, lack of emotional support, and started to stand on your own two feet? 🤔

TwistedWonder · 04/07/2025 12:22

Itsseweasy · 04/07/2025 12:15

You can call him “very generous” for paying for everything.
I call it controlling.
He’s got you nicely isolated too.
I wonder whether he would continue to be so generous if you pulled him up on his horrible texts to other women, lack of emotional support, and started to stand on your own two feet? 🤔

Absolutely agree. It’s not generosity out of the goodness of his heart, it’s keeping her controlled, isolated and tied to him.

Honestly if I had a £ for every thread that starts ‘my DH is kind caring and amazing dad but………’

MyHappyFawn · 04/07/2025 12:30

Look up coercive control. He’s abusing you. His behaviour is disgusting.

Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 12:35

You need to really think long and hard about what you're communicating with your behaviour.
For 11 years you have been checking up on him, snooping, invading his privacy. And on numerous occasions you've turned out to be right not to trust him. He has crossed very clear boundaries time and time again.
And even though your words say "I don't like that you're doing this"
Your actions say "But I will give you no consequences whatsoever, so keep going"

You're a mum. Imagine your 2-year old hitting you, and all you do is tell him that you don't like him hitting you. But you just sit there and let him continue to hit you. What does that tell him?
It tells him that it doesn't matter whether you like it or not. He doesn't have to stop.

You are communicating with your husband as if he were someone who cared about your happiness. Maybe we should be passed the stage where we fool ourselves into believing that. He doesn't care. You can tell him how much it hurts you, and he will keep doing. The only thing he cares about is whether he's happy. And right now, he's perfectly happy. He has a wife he can control, and total freedom to do as he pleases. This is the perfect scenario for him. Why on Earth would he stop?

gravelshuff · 04/07/2025 12:37

Please tell me this is a made up post
of course you are not being unreasonable

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 12:40

Are you in the Uk?

Where are your family and friends here?. Has he managed to isolate you from all of them?.

He targeted you to abuse you. Your boundaries already too low are being further got at by this man now.

He is also financially abusing you by controlling all the money, giving you an allowance is demeaning and further diminishing you.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2025 12:42

You get on well with him because you have been confirm and or otherwise trained by him
put up and shut up. You have no voice or say in this relationship.

MiddleAgedDread · 04/07/2025 12:43

i was going to say it's a wonder he's not been pulled up for sexual harassment at work if he sends messages like that to colleagues but then I read he's the boss.......why the hell do you even have to ask if this is ok??

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2025 12:46

@ZNC if he is generous for paying for everything, what are you doing with your part time wages? I certainly wouldnt be spend a minute longer with a horrible husband like this! better for children to have one happy parent than 2 unhappy parents. you are obviously unhappy and he must also be unhappy if he behaves like this,

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 04/07/2025 12:49

Honestly if he is meeting women on his own for social occasions and texting them love hearts and comments on their arses he is likely cheating on you. If it was me I would get myself ready to leave, go back 4 days a week you will still have time with your kids! Make sure you are not left relying on a man who is cheating and flaunting it!

Ruby0707 · 04/07/2025 13:04

This will destroy your self esteem and you honestly deserve better.

OP, I spent too many years with men like this because I didn't know any better.

I am now with a lovely, thoughtful, open man who always puts me first and I could cry when I think about how much time I wasted with men like your husband. He does not deserve you.

SayLaveee · 04/07/2025 13:05

He sounds so gross

Swipe left for the next trending thread