Is texting checking?

[ZNC]

I’ve been married nearly 5 years, two children ages 2 yard old and an 8 month old baby.
My husband has, on numerous occasions, felt the need to send flirty and inappropriate texts to other women during our relationship. I set the boundaries and told him I thought it was unacceptable very early on in our relationship but he’s continued to do it for 11 years. I feel like I’ve always turned a blind eye because we have a lovely life, our children are young, and he promises it’s only texts and he hasn’t done anything more.

The texts vary from ‘good morning beautiful woman’ to asking a work colleague to be his plus one to a white collar boxing event. He doesn’t call me beautiful, and he didn’t ask me to be his plus one! He’s text a woman saying ‘Nice to see you last night, I’ve always loved your arse’ and most texts are accompanied by a red love heart emoji.

I don’t know if I’m a fool for staying or if I need to get over myself and be grateful for the life he’s given me. I’ve invaded his privacy on every occasion by looking through his phone, which I know is wrong, but he’s made me paranoid, ruined my self esteem as I’m obviously not enough for him, and left me questioning if I can do a whole lifetime of paranoia and wondering who’s taking his fancy next.

I want to do what’s right for my children as well as myself but I’m confused.

Imagine this is still you in another 20 years, what would say to yourself, most probably regret that you put up and stayed so long. That’s if doesn’t decide to leave you first for someone else. The only reason you are together is because of the children but it’s not going to be good for your MH to stay. I know it’s really difficult to leave but to answer your question, you are a fool to turn a blind eye, he has no respect and he’d rather invite another woman than his wife to an event, and calls them beautiful, don’t ignore, he will jump at the chance to cheat if he hasn’t already.

"I don’t know if I’m a fool for staying".

You do and you are.

He doesn't respect you. Leave him.

Just by asking op you know the answer, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about you, wow!! What a pig he is,
But you know, you should be asking yourself, what am I going to do about this,
Yes leave, yes you may need to apply for benefits to start off but bloody hell op find your anger please,

He sounds absolutely vile. Texting other women saying he's always liked her arse? WTF. You think he doesn't respect you? He absolutely doesn't respect you. All the money and nice things in the world could not make me stay with someone like that. Honestly, I know it's hard but do the right thing by yourself and your children and leave this poor excuse for a man. Would you want your son growing up like him, or your daughter growing up thinking men like that are normal? Because that is what will happen. Yuck yuck yuck.

You have two choices: accept his insulting, devaluing behaviour or make plans to leave. There is no third choice. He knows it upsets you and doesn't care. There is no magic wand and no magic words that will make him respect you and your marriage and your family; he simply doesn't.

My wages go on household bills (he pays the mortgage), things for the girls, and food shopping. I don’t have enough left to save. The allowance he gives me, I use for nursery fee for my 2 year old so I can spend some time alone with the baby.
Leaving him doesn’t guarantee happiness, I might be miserable on my own too, but life would be harder.

Yes I’m in the Uk. But I moved across the country with my mum when I was 14 and she passed away 4 years later, so I don’t have anyone. I have friends but I’m not one to put my problems on other people, hence looking for advice here.

I am sorry to read about your late mother. You are wise to seek advice here in the absence of other channels.

Leaving him will be happier for you and your children end of. They will be living then in an abuse free home. It is not your fault nor theirs he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. You cannot live like this and this is no existence for you or them. It is in his interests to keep you like this; barefoot and with children.

I would readily assume he gets new clothes, haircuts, visit to the dentist etc far more regularly than you. He is keeping you hand to mouth deliberately. Lack of funds keeps you trapped, again this is all deliberate from him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model for them to potentially emulate as adults.

You are being financially abused by him so the relationship between you and he is over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would urge you to contact Women's Aid when he is out of the house or alternatively go to Boots and ask for ANI, the staff will direct you to domestic violence support services.

I’m finding the abuser narrative really difficult as I wouldn’t consider him abusive. I genuinely think the financial side is his way of trying to look after me. He is nearly 20 years older than me and we met when we were both in a time of need, he was getting divorced and my life was turbulent after losing my mum. He’s made bad choices for whatever reason, whether he likes the attention or it is with intent to attract women to him. He is disloyal, he’s broken the trust completely, and he’s disrespected me, but does that make him an abuser? My confidence is completely knocked, and my self esteem is none existent, but that’s MY response to it, he’s not forced me to feel that way.

I had a feeling he was a lot older just by the way you describe him.

I understand the abuse narrative is hard to hear especially as your relationship started with a power imbalance from day one - much older man starts relationship with woman young enough to be his daughter when she’s in a vulnerable headspace is textbook.

There are so many red flags in your posts - you’re not ready to see clearly yet but the fact you’ve started this thread means you know things aren’t right.

Read and reread all the comments on here - these are older experienced women who have seen this play out many many times before and can spot the signs a mile off.

I’ve had it out with him, I confronted him on Monday night, he cried and said he loves me more than he ever has, he didn’t do it with any malice and he wants to make things better. We concluded with me saying I don’t know if I can trust him any more and then he woke up on Tuesday and has acted completely normal since, like nothings even happened. I’ve asked him to come to marriage counselling and he’s said no, so I’m going alone a week Monday. Not sure if there’s much point going to counselling alone but I need a safe space to speak to someone and say it all out loud.

ZNC

What is your definition of abuse?. Abusers do not have to solely hit you to hurt you and abuse comes in many forms. It can also be insidious in its onset and can creep up on people unawares.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The only good to have come out of this relationship are your kids and you cannot stay with him for their sake. No reason you have given for staying is any basis for staying with him. It's not going to be easier for you to stay with him either. He's now thinking that ZNC has said her piece and now she will finally shut up because she's fallen yet again for my bs of promising to change. Indeed he has subsequently acted like nothing has happened. In his head he thinks it's all your fault, well yours and anyone else's fault other than his own.

If the trust has indeed gone there is no relationship.

Tears can be manipulative and he indeed turned on the waterworks. And I am sorry but yes he did this with malice and yes he has no interest whatsoever in making things better for you. He is just thinking of his own self here and will do and say anything to keep you both onside and barefoot. And now you are beginning to wake up and see the real him; the old him was an act designed to draw you in. That version of him was a mirage that will never return; abusers cannot keep up the nice act indefinitely and he only did so just long enough with you to get you both interested and invested.

He's done you a favour by not going to marriage counselling. Abuse is not a relationship issue; it is about power and control and he wants absolute here. Joint counselling is never recommended either where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I am not at all surprised he is much older than you nor am I surprised that you met when you were alone and in a bad place yourself. He targeted you deliberately and this man too is a master manipulator. He has by his actions knocked your confidence (and I daresay you were not all that confident to begin with) and put your self esteem into the gutter. Indeed that is your response but he caused that to happen to you.

Do not continue to make excuses for his unacceptable behaviour. Many people have trauma and or poor childhoods and they do not all go around as adults abusing their spouse or someone they purport to love. There is no justification or excuse for his abuses of you and in turn your children.

You have a choice re him, your children do not. I hope the counselling helps you also to see things more clearly.

How would your life be harder without him?.

What would it actually take for you to start divorce proceedings?. Where is your red line in the sand here?. Where are the consequences for his actions?.

Your boundaries, already poor to start with, have been further eroded over the years mainly by him to the sub level they are at now.

I maybe have a warped version of abuse due to childhood events, but I can totally see what you’re saying about abuse being more broad than just violence.
The children don’t see us argue, I never want them to see us argue, which is partly why I tolerate more than I should. I feel like it would partly be selfish to take my children away from their family unit, and make them
become children who are split between parents.

After the texts with the colleague, I did explain that if there was one more incident, that would be it, and yet here I am, still contemplating if he’s done anything ‘that bad’ that would warrant the upheaval of divorce. I actually really love him too, but I’m starting to question if I need trust to properly love, and I don’t see that returning. I look forward to seeing him when he finished work (although this week not so much), and I enjoy the time we spend together. We get on so well, and I don’t know if I’d ever find that again in someone, or if I could even find someone to love me if I’m a single mum of two young kids.

I know I’ve been too nice and too forgiving, but I haven’t forgotten anything he’s done, which makes me wonder if I’m actually forgiving at all. I know he’s done wrong but he’s had to start his life all over again after his first marriage broke down, and thinking of putting him through that again, that breaks my heart, he’s still my children’s father and I care so much about him. I’m so conflicted, and I think in my heart of hearts, I’ll probably end turning a blind eye and accepting the marriage for what it gives me, stability, and the family unit I’ve never experienced before. I’d do anything for my children.

You most certainly do as you need to see your worth as a wife and a mother🥰
if he had to pay someone to cook, clean and rear his kids he would know about it!

Your marriage is not stable so how could it possibly give you stability?. It seems that no one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you stlll do not know. yoirve never known stability in life.

You and he get on well because he holds all the power in the relationship whilst you have none. He does not take you seriously because he knows you will
necer leave. So he continues to treat you badly and still you stay . What message does that send to your kids?.

If you would really do anything for your kids you would not turn a blind eye any
longer and accept such treatment from a man who purports to love you. They need you to not remain a subservient door mat.

Do nog kid yourself your kids don’t hear anything . Sound travels and your kids will hear loud voices and angry words even if they cannot make those words out. They will also
pick up on all the vibes here between you two.

I don’t think he respects me.

You know full well he doesn’t respect you in the least!

He makes no pretence of respecting you. He sees you as the household appliance that provides food, sex and childcare, while he flirts with other women and invites them out.

Please don’t bring up children in this fake marriage. You are giving DC a terrible example.

I don't think he respects me

You can say that again. He sounds absolutely awful, I'm so sorry.