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Original poster

Ex calls a lot

52 replies

mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 07:52

As the heading says, his ex rings him….a lot.
We’ve been together for 4 years, don’t live together but have a pretty good relationship.
He’s been split with his ex for a little over 5 years (his decision to leave), they have 2 children together, 18 and 22.
His ex has stayed single. His sister who still speaks to his ex has told me his ex still loves him.
Whilst I’m not overly concerned about the ex (if he wanted to go back, he would) the phone calls are starting to get up my nose a bit. If she rings when we’re together he just doesn’t answer. I have asked why she rings a lot, he said it’s always to do with their kids…but these kids are 18 and 22.
She recently lost her mother and she rang him at 4 in the morning to tell him.
His sister arranged a little tea party for his daughters 18th, just a little family get together, she invited his ex and her dad (it wasn’t long after her mother had died), I wasn’t invited, which I sort of get, it would have been a bit awkward.
It’s all the phone calls that’s getting to me, so much so I’m starting to feel like a third wheel, almost as if I’m in the way.
Few weeks ago she dropped their daughter off at his when I was there, his daughter (who I do get on with) came in and said she would have come in but saw my car was there.
Am I being a bit of a arse for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:13

His sister who still speaks to his ex has told me his ex still loves him.

Well that was nice of her to tell you!how well do you get on with his sister?

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:15

His sister arranged a little tea party for his daughters 18th, just a little family get together, she invited his ex and her dad (it wasn’t long after her mother had died), I wasn’t invited,

I think that answers my question re how well you get on with his sister!!

roseymoira · 04/07/2025 08:25

Presumably with children that age it must have been a very long marriage. It must be very hard for her.

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 08:35

@Sugardownive known his sister longer than I’ve known him. I wouldn’t say we’re close friends but we do/did meet for lunch occasionally.

OP posts:
Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:38

mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 08:35

@Sugardownive known his sister longer than I’ve known him. I wouldn’t say we’re close friends but we do/did meet for lunch occasionally.

I bet you were SO pissed off when you weren’t invited to his 18 year old’s party. Go on, you can tell us!

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:39

If he’d have wanted her to stop, he’d have told her that

but he’s cool with it

and you’re going to have to suck it up

you don’t live with him, so it can’t exactly dominate your life

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 08:41

@Sugardown haha I wasn’t really that bothered at the time, I had a bit going on myself so didn’t really think much of it….bit different now though when I think about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 08:44

@Sugardown no it doesn’t dominate my life…just the time we spent together, which is sort of pissing me off

OP posts:
Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:47

mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 08:44

@Sugardown no it doesn’t dominate my life…just the time we spent together, which is sort of pissing me off

You don’t seem to have ever raised this either your boyfriend?

Rainbows41 · 04/07/2025 08:52

I would have a conversation with him and tell him how it makes you feel. His response will tell you everything.

therealtrunchbull · 04/07/2025 08:55

Ex wife really needs to get a life. Can’t he just not answer, the ‘children’ can call him themselves.

baileys6904 · 04/07/2025 09:17

Actually im in this kinda situation and to be honest, you may need to change your mindset...

My OH youngest is nearly 18 and oldest is mid 20s. My OH and his ex still speak regularly about the kids- concerns, ways to support, achievements relationships etc, it's just different challenges when they're older, not less.

And yeah, it's a pain in the arse and a bit of a weird dynamic but we all get on...I mean, I don't go for drinks with the woman, but we all attend joint celebrations, or have a chat when we bump into each other. We talk about the grandparents and challenges. We are civil and its great for the 'kids' even at this age.

At first it was so awkward but ultimately, I am part of the kids lives, and they'll be getting married and having children and it's not going to change so I bit the bullet and the ex is actually really good fun ( my OH clearly has great taste)

Hope this helps with a bit of a different (longer term) perspective

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 09:51

@baileys6904 yeah I do completely get that but just a little example. We both had the day off work and had a day out, she rang him 8 times through the day, he ignored her calls, he speaks to both kids every morning and had had texts off them through the day so he knew they were ok. The 8th call from her he did answer….she was ringing to say their oldest had went to work and left his lunch at home! It’s almost as if it’s any little excuse to call him.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 10:24

Does she know they are over?

I'm sorry but I think I would get putting the foot down. 'I love you bill but you need to tell your ex to stop calling so much as it's not appropriate when you have a partner. A chat here and there regarding the kids is fine... but 8 times a day?It's disrespectful to me bill and I need you to be the man and handle the situation'.

Also, in future you need to be there to things like birthdays. I'd also be having a word with his sister about what is and isn't appropriate. You've been with him years and are his partner, not her.

Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 10:31

mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 09:51

@baileys6904 yeah I do completely get that but just a little example. We both had the day off work and had a day out, she rang him 8 times through the day, he ignored her calls, he speaks to both kids every morning and had had texts off them through the day so he knew they were ok. The 8th call from her he did answer….she was ringing to say their oldest had went to work and left his lunch at home! It’s almost as if it’s any little excuse to call him.

And what was his response to that?

I would have expected 'and why do I need to know that? I'm sorry Barbara but you need to give me space. You're the mother of my kids and always will be and I have the upmoast respect for you. But I have a partner whom I love and your continual calls are becoming disrespectful to her. I don't mind a catch up every few weeks about the kids but please do not call me about silly things in future'.

Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 10:32

Also, any particular reason you haven't moved in together?

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 10:54

@Sodthesystem to quote him when he answered the 8th call and heard why she was ringing “are you for fucking real, you’ve rang me 8 times to tell me he’s left his fucking lunch at home”
As for not living together, at the moment it’s not doable but has been spoken about. I have 2 kids myself who are both still at home, I own my house outright, the house his ex still lives in was the family home which he paid the mortgage off, the house he lives in now is mortgaged. The idea is, he waits till his youngest is settled at uni then they sell the family home, obviously she gets half (it is worth quite a lot of money), he pays off the mortgage on his (which is very small, he’s chipped away at it over the last five years) then we think of selling mine and his and buying something bigger which will accommodate his kids too as they do spend a lot of time at his.
Only problem is, when he’s mentioned it to his ex she’s not too keen on selling.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 11:01

I bet she's not, considering she'll want to keep her claws in him. At least that's how it sounds.

Haha well he handled that pretty well then. But he really needs to properly lay down as one boundaries regarding her and her calls.

Tbh she sounds nutty. I'd maybe even change my number and ask the kids not to give her my new one. I suppose he wants to keep her sweet if they've still the house together though. Still, I'd be screening her calls to voicemail in future and only picking them up once a week.

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 11:14

I had all this with my ex, OP. He is not an ex because of his previous relationship, but let's say it didn't help. His ex wife would phone him all the bloody time, and they had been divorced for 20 YEARS. They had one son of 40 years old.

At first I felt it wasn't my place to say anything about his ex ringing all the bloody time, but one day I snapped (but without farting, for the MN regulars reading this) and said I had had enough of her ringing about really stupid things, eg she wanted him to collect a table she had bought from Facebook, without asking first could he help her? He did tell her to lay off, and she did dial it down with the phone calls, but it always pissed me off. It was obvious she couldn't/wouldn't move on after their divorce. She never dated anyone else. I was torn, I suppose. She was also extremely weird so I felt a bit sorry for her, but it was annoying too. I agree with other PP, he needs to put boundaries in place and to sell the house so that they are no longer linked in that way.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 11:21

It wouldn't be wise for you to lose your property and children's inheritance just to buy a house with a man. Keep your assets and financial independence.

Discuss with your boyfriend how his pandering to his ex makes you feel. He could choose to silence the woman's calls or block them entirely so she can communicate by an archived WhatsApp chat. With adult children there's not going to be anything urgent that she would need to communicate to him.
He's currently choosing to indulge in this, does he like the attention?

Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 11:26

Could you start answering her calls in future? (Obviously with his permission).

And just be like 'ok Jane cool I'll pass it on'. Just like 'hes busy can I take a message' and after a few being polite start dropping things like 'ok...does he actually need to know that?' and 'oh we know, your son told him'.

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 11:41

@Sodthesystem I’d say needy with a little bit of nutty thrown in for good measure. He had tried speaking to her about keeping the phone calls for important stuff, like I said, he speaks to his kids every day, they both spend most of their time at his house, the youngest just about lives there so there really is no need for it. It’s never really bothered me, he’s never answered any of her calls whilst I’ve been there (until she rang the 8 times in one day) it’s just lately it is starting to piss me off. The other day when she dropped their youngest off and said she’d have came in but I was there made me feel a bit awful, almost as if I was in the way, and yeah I know that’s on me, its just lately with all these phone calls I am starting to feel like the third wheel. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it though…she is the mother of his kids and she’ll always be in his life, just wish she’d back the fuck off a bit!

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 11:58

There are a few separate issues here

Your first issue is with his ex. You don't like how often she calls. He doesn't like how often she calls. He could IMO be more direct in his approach. It seems now that he may respond to a certain useless phone call, but he's not addressing the larger problem. He's not giving her boundaries at all. He seems annoyed, but he's not actually doing anything to prevent her from calling him again the next day. But the actual problem doesn't start with him, it's her.

The second issue is the fact that after 5 years of separation and 4 years into your relationship, you don't have a place in his family. You don't get invited to birthday celebrations. Now, unless you've decided that you don't want to be involved in his childrens' lives, that's not okay. Any awkwardness between you and his ex should have been dealt with long ago. You're in an established relationship with him, and showing up to events together as a couple where his ex can see you togethe should be normalised by now. The only way to work through the initial awkwardness is by confronting it, not by avoiding it. You've all been avoiding it for so long that it's become this big thing.
Regarding this issue, I think you need a conversation with him. Where do his priorities lie? Are they in keeping the peace with the ex and not confronting her with something she may find difficult? Or are they in building a future with you? Because he can't have both. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, you need to all stop holding back not to hurt or offend or confront the ex. If she hasn't moved on after 5 years, she needs to work on that, by herself.

Third, I think you also need to start communicating more as a unit. Right now it seems like he's just going about life making decisions that work for him, and you're doing what works for you. But where are your shared goals, your common values? Stop thinking like two individuals, and start thinking as a team. How do you, as a couple and a unit, stand towards contact with exes? What kind of message do you as a couple want to send out to your children, your families and the parents of your respective children?

Original poster
mellowyellow9090 · 04/07/2025 11:59

@ShoeeMcfee yeah, I’m thinking it’s not my place to mention her ringing all the time and think I’m close to snapping myself! The woman never lets up. He has spoke to her about it which I wasn’t aware of until after he’d done it (I think he’d noticed my eye roll when her name flashed up on his phone again)
I do sort of feel sorry for her, she still loves him, he’s moved on, she hasn’t bothered and I guess it’s just any excuse to speak to him.

OP posts:
DNLove · 04/07/2025 12:12

Tell him to set up a parents kids WhatsApp group. So they can keep all communications there and means the 4 of them all know what's going on. E.g. John you forgot your lunch. Also on the calls he needs to ask her what it is as a parent he is expected to do with the information. Did she want him to drop a lunch to DS, was she telling him to flag he'd be starving and would need a dinner as soon as he got to DF's house or is she ringing to tell her "husband" a bit of family information. Sounds like number 3 to me. She still comms like he's her husband.