Ex calls a lot

[mellowyellow9090]

As the heading says, his ex rings him….a lot.
We’ve been together for 4 years, don’t live together but have a pretty good relationship.
He’s been split with his ex for a little over 5 years (his decision to leave), they have 2 children together, 18 and 22.
His ex has stayed single. His sister who still speaks to his ex has told me his ex still loves him.
Whilst I’m not overly concerned about the ex (if he wanted to go back, he would) the phone calls are starting to get up my nose a bit. If she rings when we’re together he just doesn’t answer. I have asked why she rings a lot, he said it’s always to do with their kids…but these kids are 18 and 22.
She recently lost her mother and she rang him at 4 in the morning to tell him.
His sister arranged a little tea party for his daughters 18th, just a little family get together, she invited his ex and her dad (it wasn’t long after her mother had died), I wasn’t invited, which I sort of get, it would have been a bit awkward.
It’s all the phone calls that’s getting to me, so much so I’m starting to feel like a third wheel, almost as if I’m in the way.
Few weeks ago she dropped their daughter off at his when I was there, his daughter (who I do get on with) came in and said she would have come in but saw my car was there.
Am I being a bit of a arse for feeling this way?

If my ex was ringing me in the middle of the night or 8 times in a row for no reason, I’d block them.

@Girlmom35 birthdays ect we do usually do together but without his ex. His kids will do something with their mum and then something with us. The little get together for 18th was arranged by his sister, who didn’t tell them she’d arranged it till after it was sorted and she was the one who invited his ex. When I wasn’t invited he said he’d not go either, it was me that pushed him into going.

Were you the other woman? If so then I can understand her not making things easy for you.

Clearly states they’ve been together 4 years. He split with ex 5 years ago.

She sounds like she's desperately trying to hang on but honestly, 8 calls in a day or calls in the middle of the night are harassment. He has to deal with it. Maybe he should block her for a while.

The financial issues are big. He's still financially entangled with his ex. He's got a mortgage that he can only pay off if he sells the family home his ex is living in and she doesn't want to. They didn't sell and she didn't buy him out. Don't buy a house together until he's financially disentangled from ex. This is another way of holding onto him for her.

Let him handle the family exclusion from dinners ect how he sees fit. He doesn't want you excluded. His sister is catering to ex's fixation.

The ex's refusal to move on is causing a lot of issues and will continue to. It sounds like her mental health isn't good. He's going to have to get the financials sorted and stop the harassing phone calls. Don't make any further moves with him until that's done .

@Troubleclef other woman? I have no idea where you’ve getting that from! But no I wasn’t, I came along a year later!

Can you really not see the issue is with your partner not at all being concerned enough about the calls and your problem with it…to do anything about it.

out of interest… would you like to live with him?

You get on very well with his children?

I mean it’s not hard to mute your phone is it? But he chose not to. Odd

The sister invited the birthday girls mum, and the birthday girls granddad to her party, i mean that seems fairly reasonable.

I dont think everyone should be giving the sister a hard time, she has presumably known his ex for least 25 years or so, and if the split was amicable, no reason for her to not still get on.

Indeed.

The sister and the ex sound close.

No need to have actually told the op that the ex still loved her boyfriend!

although I still love my ex and he loves me.

@Sugardown he can’t mute his phone, he needs it for work and he’s on call some nights/weekends. He did used to have two phone, one for work, one personal but hated having to carry both of them so got a dual sim. He has asked her to keep the phone calls to important ones only but she takes no notice.

He can mute calls and notifications from his ex

he doesn’t

There is squat all you can do about this aside from go on at your boyfriend to be a lot more clear and firm with the ex and mute her notifications.

If he doesn’t, then… it’s because he doesn’t want it

@Sugardown so you’re saying he wants to hear from her constantly?

i have no bloomin idea! 😂

but fact this has been going on for years and he hasn’t bothered to mute notifications from her or be absolutely crystal clear with her - indicates he’s not too fussed about it

his daughter (who I do get on with) came in and said she would have come in but saw my car was there

she didn’t want to intrude presumably

You met him a year after splitting with her, she still wants him and it seems the sister or his family still want the ex around .

Take your losses, kids are adults and I do not see the reasons for calling this much. My kids are under 12 and I do not speak to my ex daily. Kids have tablets or phones for a reason

It is your place. You've been with him years. And she doesn't have young kids with him.

But he really should be having none of it.
You need to sit him down and tell him it's stressing you out and he needs to ask her to bsck off and enforce those boundaries. Eg:
Can he change his number and tell the kids not to give her his new one?

He wouldn’t have gone to his daughter’s 18th birthday family party, hosted by his sister, if his girlfriend of less than 4 years had said “no don’t go”?? Bloody hell

You can have it settings on your phone that when version people ring it goes to voicemail

And he can make it specific to the ex that her messages and calls are muted

such an easy solution and yet half a decade post split… he still hasn’t done

If your partner has spoken to his ex, and it's not made any difference, then unfortunately it probably means instead of being 'nice' about it, he needs to be firm and blunt. Something along the lines of: Jane, I only want you contacting me unless it's urgent. Our children are adults, who are both able to contact me themselves. I want us to have a harmonious co-parenting relationship and I respect the fact you are our children's Mum, but we are no longer married, so you need to stop behaving like we are.
He needs to put in firm boundaries. His ex hasn't moved on, and clearly still wants him to be her 'husband' and is treating him, like he still is. I suspect she will drag her heels when it comes to selling the family home. It's a connection to your partner, and she's desperate to hang onto any scrap she can. His family need to start inviting you to joint events, you are now his partner, and should be made to feel part of the family. Yes, it will be hard for his ex, but at the moment everyone is pandering to her, and the longer it continues, the longer she'll take to move on with her life. For her own sake and MH, she needs to accept the relationship has ended, and your partner is not her husband.

two things, one ... her keeping tabs on him and trying to spoil his current relationship isn't love, it's spite.

He is enjoying the drama, it's been established all the way through this thread that he could have made it clear that you're his partner.

The plans for the two of you getting to live together sometime/never sounds like future faking.

This would piss me off too. He needs to have a word with her off his own bat though ideally.

Is this peculiar situation still going on @mellowyellow9090 ? Or has your DP learned how to, oh I don’t know, mute his phone when out with you?