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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the cheater

44 replies

Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 21:20

Hi all I'm just wondering if anyone else on here has been the cheater in the relationship and managed to make there relationship work. I cheated on my partner a one night stand 10 years ago. I've came clean about it and my partner says he has forgiven me and wants to move forward. I'm really stuck in the past and can't move forward I'm punishing myself and living with extreme shame and guilt. My mental health has rapidly declined. I know most of you will probably say I deserve it ( which I do). I can't accept any of his love or kindness because I feel like im not worthy of it and I feel like maybe I should leave him so he can truly be happy with someone else. We have 2 kids together and one on the way. I truly am sorry for what I done and I've been punishing my self for all these years. What do I do ? I've never cheated again and I know I never will after all the heartbreak I've caused him. I want to be the partner he deserves but I feel I never will be that now and I won't be if I continue to live with this guilt and shame. Sorry for the long post. X

OP posts:
Nachoinseachthu · 03/07/2025 21:21

Forgive yourself x

Mysticguru · 03/07/2025 21:23

It was a mistake. Not a life sentence. Your OH has come to terms with it. Move on and live

alcoholnightmare · 03/07/2025 21:27

It was ten years ago and sounds as though he has forgiven you. Forgive yourself and be the best partner/mother/person you can be for the next 50 years

Tartanboots · 03/07/2025 21:37

One night 10 years ago! Why are you still punishing yourself? Maybe some counselling would help you feel better, if you're stuck. Focus on all the good things you've done, and can still do, not the one bad thing.

Original poster
Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:02

I am on the waiting list for counselling at the moment. I really hope it will help. I just can't move past it or forgive myself. I really want to so he can have the best version of me but for some reason I can't do it

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 03/07/2025 22:10

He wants to be with you. That’s his choice. You feel genuine remorse and will never do it again. That’s all you can do. If you want to make it up to him then use the experience to show him how much you love him everyday. That’s what he deserves —not someone else. He loves you and leaving him would break his heart again.

Unless part of you knows you don’t love him anymore, and it’s why you cheated in the first place? Is the guilt making you think you need to stay?

EllasNonny · 03/07/2025 22:11

Did you tell him ten years ago and have been punishing yourself all this time? You really need counselling. The NHS is very slow and and will probably only be a few sessions. Can you afford to pay privately?
You need to stop punishing yourself. Your partner and DC need you.

KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:18

He obviously adores you if he is able to move past you asking another man shag you behind his back. One night stand or not. There’s no excuse. (Just giving what Mumsnet normally gives about men). Then have another child with you. But do you adore him? Obviously not if you did that. No one who truly is happy in a relationship - male or female - goes and has sex with someone else. So my advice is leave this relationship you’re clearly not in love with him or you wouldn’t have disrespected him in such a grim way.

Original poster
Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:19

OchreRaven · 03/07/2025 22:10

He wants to be with you. That’s his choice. You feel genuine remorse and will never do it again. That’s all you can do. If you want to make it up to him then use the experience to show him how much you love him everyday. That’s what he deserves —not someone else. He loves you and leaving him would break his heart again.

Unless part of you knows you don’t love him anymore, and it’s why you cheated in the first place? Is the guilt making you think you need to stay?

Oh no I 100 % love him it was very early on in our relationship no excuse I know. But I didn't have as strong feelings for him then as I do now. The guilt isn't making me stay at all I want to be with him I want to make it work I just feel like he deserves the best and I feel like im holding him back from true happiness with someone that hasn't cheated on him and hurt him. He said he would be absolutely devastated if I left him.

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:20

Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:19

Oh no I 100 % love him it was very early on in our relationship no excuse I know. But I didn't have as strong feelings for him then as I do now. The guilt isn't making me stay at all I want to be with him I want to make it work I just feel like he deserves the best and I feel like im holding him back from true happiness with someone that hasn't cheated on him and hurt him. He said he would be absolutely devastated if I left him.

Show quote history

So this changes my just posted post. How early on was it?

OchreRaven · 03/07/2025 22:23

@Lorn460 then you need to listen to him. He’s telling you what makes him happy and it’s you. Do you think he’s not over it still and it’s making him miserable? Does he bring it up often? Has it changed how he treats you? Or is it just you that it’s still affecting?

I think counselling for you (and couples counselling if he is still suffering) is important. You need to work out how to move past it for both of you.

Original poster
Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:24

KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:20

So this changes my just posted post. How early on was it?

Show quote history

Just under a year

OP posts:
Dery · 03/07/2025 22:26

Agree with PP - you need help for this. It happened early on in your relationship. You told him at the time. You’ve moved on and you’ve got two children. By hanging on to this, you’re actually making him relive it. It’s ancient history. Please get help.

Original poster
Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:28

OchreRaven · 03/07/2025 22:23

@Lorn460 then you need to listen to him. He’s telling you what makes him happy and it’s you. Do you think he’s not over it still and it’s making him miserable? Does he bring it up often? Has it changed how he treats you? Or is it just you that it’s still affecting?

I think counselling for you (and couples counselling if he is still suffering) is important. You need to work out how to move past it for both of you.

He prefers not to talk about if I bring it up. I have spoken to him about couples counselling but he says he has dealt with it in his own way and doesn't need it. He just wants to move on. This worries me about it being swept under the rug. But I don't want to push him into it if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/07/2025 22:29

You're actually punishing him and your children by indulging in this orgy of self flagellation. If you genuinely love and care about him then stop making him suffer for your mistake, put it in context and do the work to move forward. You're threatening his and your kids family over some self indulgent guilt fest when he has done nothing wrong.

Lighteningstrikes · 03/07/2025 22:34

This isn’t rational thinking. I think you need help with counselling to help you understand it, overcome it and forgive yourself.

KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:37

Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:24

Just under a year

Show quote history

Forgive yourself. I don’t know how old you are but this sounds like a daft mistake. Sorry for my earlier judgy post I assumed you had two children, then cheated, then had another.
Without making yourself feel guilty…think why did you do it? Were you just drunk? Was he more attractive? Were you not sure about committing at that point?
It was within the first year of what’s now
a long term relationship and you have a family. What’s done is done. Move on.

KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:40

Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:28

He prefers not to talk about if I bring it up. I have spoken to him about couples counselling but he says he has dealt with it in his own way and doesn't need it. He just wants to move on. This worries me about it being swept under the rug. But I don't want to push him into it if he doesn't want to.

Show quote history

Men are quite good at letting stuff go/ putting stuff into compartments like ‘the past’ (why many are very good cheaters…sadly) so I think believe him on that. If he wanted to leave he’d be gone. He doesn’t. And it doesn’t sound like he is even bringing it up to ‘punish’ you which many men do.
Its okay. Move on.

Original poster
Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:42

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/07/2025 22:29

You're actually punishing him and your children by indulging in this orgy of self flagellation. If you genuinely love and care about him then stop making him suffer for your mistake, put it in context and do the work to move forward. You're threatening his and your kids family over some self indulgent guilt fest when he has done nothing wrong.

Thankyou for your post I have never looked at it this way before.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 03/07/2025 22:47

Lorn460 · 03/07/2025 22:28

He prefers not to talk about if I bring it up. I have spoken to him about couples counselling but he says he has dealt with it in his own way and doesn't need it. He just wants to move on. This worries me about it being swept under the rug. But I don't want to push him into it if he doesn't want to.

Show quote history

Sounds like you have brought it up and he is sick of reliving it. I don’t blame him - it was 10 years ago and he he as forgiven you. Hope you get help as this is an unhealthy obsession. X

SunflowerTed · 03/07/2025 22:47

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/07/2025 22:29

You're actually punishing him and your children by indulging in this orgy of self flagellation. If you genuinely love and care about him then stop making him suffer for your mistake, put it in context and do the work to move forward. You're threatening his and your kids family over some self indulgent guilt fest when he has done nothing wrong.

This in spades

OchreRaven · 03/07/2025 22:52

If he’s not showing any signs of holding onto the pain then I think you should stop discussing it with him as he obviously wants to move on from it.

What happened has affected the way you view yourself. Your self worth has been diminished by your actions. And whilst you did a horrible thing you have to give yourself credit for feeling genuine remorse and taking accountability.

One night does not define you but you need to believe this. You are worthy of your DH love. You can work on yourself so you can accept it. We all make mistakes but it’s what we do to atone for them and change our behaviour to avoid making the same mistakes again that really matters.

If you hadn’t almost lost him maybe you wouldn’t appreciate him as much as you do. I’m not trying to say what happened was a positive as I’m sure it is a scar for you both, but it’s part of your story. You just need to accept it and not wish it to be different.

Thenose · 03/07/2025 23:01

You're trapped in a prolonged cycle of self flagellation due to toxic shame. I hope counselling helps you to see that you while you did something wrong; you are not wrong.

mmmarmalade · 03/07/2025 23:02

If any of this is true - and I have to say that as it's MN - then, IMHO, you're lucky he's decided to see this relationship through.

Did you ever consider that you're rubbing his nose in it every time you mention it? He's told you he doesn't want to go to any couples counselling - take him at his word for now - go on your own if you think it will help.

Do you not trust yourself not to do something again? If I was him - this might be crossing my mind.

Conniebygaslight · 03/07/2025 23:22

I think you’re being self indulgent in your guilt and need to really be honest with yourself about that. If you truly love your partner and your DC stop indulging in it and be the partner & mum they deserve. Otherwise their entire childhood will be about the legacy your affair forever ago.They don’t deserve that. Stop.