I am the cheater

[Lorn460]

Hi all I'm just wondering if anyone else on here has been the cheater in the relationship and managed to make there relationship work. I cheated on my partner a one night stand 10 years ago. I've came clean about it and my partner says he has forgiven me and wants to move forward. I'm really stuck in the past and can't move forward I'm punishing myself and living with extreme shame and guilt. My mental health has rapidly declined. I know most of you will probably say I deserve it ( which I do). I can't accept any of his love or kindness because I feel like im not worthy of it and I feel like maybe I should leave him so he can truly be happy with someone else. We have 2 kids together and one on the way. I truly am sorry for what I done and I've been punishing my self for all these years. What do I do ? I've never cheated again and I know I never will after all the heartbreak I've caused him. I want to be the partner he deserves but I feel I never will be that now and I won't be if I continue to live with this guilt and shame. Sorry for the long post. X

You are making him carry emotional work that isn’t his to have to do. Write it in a journal, see a therapist. But don’t burden him with this any more.
you regret it. You’ve made that clear - now the inner work is yours to do.
best of luck in healing. Rebuild your relationship with happy, joyful things in the emotional bank, rather than reopening the wounds.

My god op, if my dh or I were still harping on about discussing our feelings about mistakes and hurts of ten years ago, we would never have marriage that survived. Depressions, neglect of our relationship, losses and bereavements… you can’t keep reliving all these things.

And infidelity the same. Can you imagine if he really just prefers not to think about it, how he must feel knowing you are still obsessing over it?

He agreed to move on, you agreed too move on. You are having a third child with him for goodness sake.So move on!

Spend the rest of my your life making him happy and be glad that a stupid mistake has not shattered your entire life.

Unfortunately at the moment I can't afford it privately. X

How do I move on ? I feel its easier to say it than actually doing it. Why can I not just get over it I don't understand.

I am probably the least tolerant person you will ever meet when it comes to infidelity. I absolutely have a 100% zero tolerance of it. However, this was ten years ago. You DH is the only person whose opinion you need and he has chosen to move on - you NEED to do the same and leave it in the past. This still has the capacity to destroy your relationship but it comes from your inability to move on from it.
i think you need to try and get some counselling- it might not take much and even if you only manage a session occasionally it will help. Additionally have you tried writing a journal? You need to talk through it, so maybe worth writing it down.

Are you maybe worried that he's going to suddenly one day turn round and decide he doesn't forgive you, and wants to leave? Maybe that's what's niggling away at you deep down. If so, unfortunately there's no easy answer to that other than you have to find a way to not let it consume you. I'd definitely recommend some counselling on your own.

When did he find out, has he known the whole 10 years? Or has it only recently come out and that's why it's taking up so much space in your mind?

Hmmm, you seem to have very little self worth and appreciation. I think the reason you cheated might also be that you didn’t believe you deserved his love.
Counseling is the only way forward.
One more thing. I have found that more often than not the other party forgives because they have done the same themselves and hide it. Be careful. None is that nice

When I grew up I was always the fat ugly friend in the friendship group. No one ever wanted me and I never had much male attention. I felt very unloved when I was younger and never had much emotional affection from my parents. I was very drunk and hurting. The one night stand made me feel wanted ! This is not an excuse at all I know what I done was very wrong. But yes I have struggled with self worth and confidence issues all my life.

Thankyou 💜

No I have never done journalling maybe I will start this to see if it helps. Thankyou

How do you move on? You work on healing that deep inner wound that is telling you you’re not worthy of forgiveness, or not worthy, period.
if you can’t get a therapist for this, I would start by seeking out some videos about self compassion. Ana Neff springs to mind - write things with pen and paper/ for some reason, studies have shown that writing by hand helps heal, where typing doesn’t.
what you’re experiencing may be ( I am not sure, bc I can’t diagnose you!) it MAY be tied to self-rejection on a very deep level. If it is: studies have shown that we experience rejection like a broken leg. The same parts of our brain light up. It’s a wound.
one Of the things that begins the healing process is to think about one trait you have that you love, that you’re proud of. Maybe you’re a good listener, or maybe you’re a person who cares about people. Whatever the trait is- write about it by hand.
this is just the beginning, but that’s a trick to fix the hurts of rejection that just happened. To dig way back and heal what’s been going on, you need professional help.

but you deserve to heal. Do not doubt that. You’ve got to get out of this well-worn deer track that’s in your mind keeping you unhappy. The mind loves habits- they become our “normal”- but I think it’s high time you told your mind, let’s carve a new path, this old one is bullshit.

So much good advice here, OP. Don't let the fact that you can't afford counselling at the moment stop you from healing. It was a one-off mistake, a decade ago, and the only person who matters has moved beyond it. Try to at least do this: acknowledge that the past is past. You can't change it, it happened. But it is the past. It is behind you. You now have the present, and the future, that you can shape. Your partner loves you: allow yourself to love him, fully. Let yourself go.

You seem to have made yourself a victim within a situation of your own making.
How does wallowing in guilt and shame serve you? What's the pay off.
It was a DECADE ago. Your partner has clearly expressed that he has processed it and doesn't want to keep dredging it up.
You have, I think, 2 children, with another on the way.
You have built a life together, deapite the ONS.
Do you consistently beat yourself up over other things. If no, then you have the tools to move past this.
Yes, counselling would probably help, but in the absence of funds for a course of therapy, have you got close friends you can discuss it with?

It can't be the one night stand as worrying about that 3 kids later is basically insanity. There's definitely something else going on and you're focusing on this one thing to avoid thinking about the bigger issue- deep down you don't love your partner? childhood trauma? cruel parent? Whatever it is you need therapy to unpick it. Private therapists do concessional rates. I think this would be more useful than a few nhs counselling sessions.

So, you cannot change the past. It's happened and no amount of regret or beating yourself up will change that. All it does is damage the present and the future. And for what?

What you can do is accept you made a mistake (everyone does, some mistakes are bigger than others) and use it to help you not make the same one again.

Hi all so a few months ago I posted this. A month ago it all came out that my partner had cheated on me too around the same time. And didn't tell me after all these years. Maybe that's why he forgave so easily. We want to stay together and continue to ve a family. But I'm having a really big issue with my mental health recently been diagnosed with ocd. I'm struggling with the anxiety that my partner will just leave me. Its consuming me daily. How do I manage this ?

Sounds like that's why he forgave you so easily then, or at least partly. How did you find out, did he tell you? Do you believe he's never cheated again since?

As for how you manage it, quite a few people advised you to seek counselling/therapy - have you done this yet? If not, you really should.

Suspect NHS will be CBT
based counselling and you need something deeper to
stop this sabotaging your relationship

My comment seems to have aged well…
how did you find out OP?