Single at 27, and feeling like finding a new partner only gets harder

[Willowpup97]

I'm 2 months post my break up with someone who I thought I'd go on to marry and have kids with. Turns out he felt he jumped into the relationship too soon despite saying he wanted those things too, and after a year and a half decided to end things because he felt daunted by the idea of taking those next steps.

It left me shattered, I recently reached out to him and got things off of my chest that I didn't say in person. It was an amicable conversation, but just made me realise he's really not the right person for me.

The thought of going out to date again in the future is making me a bit anxious - not really knowing if someone is really in it for the right reasons, and I feel the time pressure of trying to find the right person who I could settle down with.

I feel like my head is swirling and any positive stories of coming out of situations like this would be a huge help!

First - you’re so young! There’s no time pressure, seriously.
So take your time - to find out if they really want the same things, if they’re really right for you. Don’t feel pressure to settle for someone who’s not right just because he wants to settle down and have kids. You might end up kissing a few frogs first….. but time is on your side, enjoy it. And you’re only 2 months in - sounds like your head is only just getting back to normal. So take it easy, don’t commit yourself emotionally too soon.

You are 27... Likely been independent and properly a full adult for less than 7/10 years.

You are young, Next

Time is definitely on your side. Concentrate on enjoying being single.

The best thing you can do right now OP (speaking from a very similar experience) is to just put dating out of your head for now. Enjoy the summer. Go out with your friends. Put some fun things in your diary. You won't be mentally ready to date again for a little while, so don't even try. Just focus on getting back to enjoying your life, being happy in yourself, focusing on friends, family, work, exercise, any hobbies you enjoy. You'll know when you're ready to dip a toe back in the dating pool.

At 27, honestly, I wouldn’t even be contemplating ‘settling down’ or marriage and children, far less feeling some kind of pressure to do it. You’re really young. What is it that is making you feel ‘time pressure’?

You have only been single 2 months, you need to immediately get into dating. What’s wrong with being single at 27?

Echoing everyone above!!!

I entered into a very ill-advised marriage when I wasn’t much more than a child. 8 years and 3 kids later, I found myself single in my late 20’s. Felt like that was my lot and I was going to be single forever. And to be honest, the idea of dating at that point was just not something I was remotely ready for.

Then I met DH, after caving to a friend’s pressure to give dating sites a go a few years after my divorce. You’ve got plenty of time!

I relate to the impending biological clock, it just ticks along providing a nice backdrop of anxiety 😆

I'm in my 40s now and my one piece of advice if I was going back in time is take your time!

You are doing the choosing and absolutely no need to settle if you aren't sure about someone. Its far better to make the right choice even if that means it takes longer.

You want to really know if someone is on the same page with wanting a family and not going to string you along waiting while they procrastinate or focus on themselves...but that's something to figure out from how they act.

Take a organised approach, use the first few dates to weedle out anyone wasting your time. Give yourself time in the first 3-6 months to assess if you think you are on the same page, and start exploring what you both want after 6 months.

There's also a lot to be said for using time when you are single to learn and try new things, and enjoy spending time by yourself too.

You could have a fertility MOT, good to know what your ovarian reserve is for your age. I know some people do egg freezing - it's not a terrible option at your age but the fertility MOT is the first point of call.

Never rush or you'll end up panicking and getting married to the wrong man which ends in divorce. I speak from experience.
I urge you to date. Make a list from dating about what it is you would like and what you don't. Write it down to remind yourself. Decline the men who don't meet your wishes. Get rid of them quickly.
Enjoy life with friends as you are more likely to meet your match via real life.

You really do have enough time to relax a bit - maybe not oceans of time - it’s not smart to leave kids beyond 35 if you can avoid it, but you are a long way from that.

I’d echo just enjoying the summer and forgetting about dating for a few months. On the plus side, you aren’t grappling with the kind of heartache that takes ages to get over.

Start dating again in October or something - be clear about what you want pretty soon in a relationship. Dating is a numbers game, as long as you do it, you’ll find someone who works for you.

God you’re so young! Try being 45 and single! 😂 Admittedly I don’t want any more kids, don’t want to live with a bloke again and would rather accrue lots of cats & dogs. But still, you have so much time- relax and enjoy your youth!

Even if you meet someone next week who ticks all your boxes and end up marrying them and having kids with them you can’t guarantee they won’t change their mind and leave one day. You can’t guarantee you won’t get hit by a bus tomorrow. You can’t guarantee you won’t be the one falling out of love and leaving a relationship. So you might as well just enjoy life day by day. Date by all means and let people know what you’re looking for but let things develop naturally, why put so much pressure on it?

Oh hello! This was me 8 years ago.
I know not everyone has a happy ending, but I did so I thought I'd share.

I was 27 when I finally realised that I was in an abusive and toxic relationship. To be fair, I had known for a long time but I was worried about ending up alone and childless. Which of course is a wonderful motivation to stay with someone 🙄

I remember how a lot of my friends got married that year. Two were pregnant. Most of them bought a house with their partner. And I became single. It was horrible. I've always had an incredibly strong desire to be a mum and I could just see it slipping away from me.

However, instead of worrying, I decided that being single gave me a great opportunity to work on myself. I had been in several dead-end relationships before and I wondered how all of my friends were choosing great guys and I always ended up with the bottom of the bunch. Uneducated, illiterate, abusive, gambling addicts, cheaters, ... You name it, I've dated it. And worst of all, I had trouble breaking up with them as soon as I realised that the relationship was a dead end.

So I went to therapy and decided to go on dating apps. Not to date necessarily, but to learn how to break up. And I had so much fun! I took the pressure off and didn't feel the need to make every date perfect so this could be the future father of my children. I just went with it, learned to listen to my instincts, and learned to dump the guy when it stopped feeling right. I dated a lot that year.
And then one day I swiped right on a guy who never gave me a reason to dump him. 8 years in, we now have 2 beautiful daughters, a lovely house, a great life.
I remember coming home from our first date and calling my grandmother to tell her that I found the man I was going to grow old with.
We've had our bumps in the road. Parenthood's been a challenge, but we're working through it as a team. And we're happy.

Now, I'm very well aware that things could have ended up very differently. Not everyone gets lucky. But even so, I'd still go back and choose to do exactly what I did that year. I'm so happy that I took the pressure off and just took the time to figure out what I wanted from a relationship.

I've posted on a similar thread before, and I'll give you the same advice!

I'm 30, single long term. I'm on dating apps casually, but the best thing for me was learning to love my own company and overcome the anxiety of doing 'couple things' alone!

I started by going to the cinema alone, which is bliss, then the theatre, meals out, day trips to cities, the zoo...the possibilities are endless, and you can do what you like!

Think of it as self care. Be kind to yourself ❤

This is absolutely brilliant advice. Read every word of this and take it to heart!

I have a friend. She's early 40s, she's smart, funny, warm, loving and fabulous. She deserves a committed long-term relationship with a great guy.

But she has some quite deep seated attachment issues from childhood trauma and she's gone from relationship to relationship with emotionally unavailable men (several with substance/mental health issues) and has been unable to end the relationships when there were clear red flags - or even at point where the relationships have become severely dysfunctional.

She desperately wants kids and it makes me incredibly sad that she's spent all this time on relationships that will never give her what she wants.

TLDR: you're young, you've time, focus on your own fulfilment and personal development, date at the same time if its fun and working for you. Be confident that you're the kind of person that can trust your gut when it comes to men and back yourself to leave something when its not working. Enjoy life and good luck!

Honestly, I don’t think he ever truly intended to marry or start a family with you. Unfortunately, many men stay in long-term relationships with women they don’t see a future with. I wouldn’t be surprised if he meets someone new and ends up married within a year.

Thank you, I think I'm just surrounded by so many people who appear to be moving on in life, that the nagging voice creeps in every now and then, especially during this limbo stage and being in the thick of the break up grief 🩵

Honestly, a lot of it is me looking around and seeing so many people around me moving on in life, and the stagnancy I'm in at the moment is what gets to me. Thankfully I don't have a family that push those kinds of timelines on me, I'm very much an overthinker and I think myself into a bit of a hole sometimes.

Maybe that is the case, but I guess I'll never know any of that for certain now so I try not dwell with those kinds of thoughts, especially whilst I'm still grieving the relationship. It would probably be highly irresponsible for him to jump into something like that so quickly, but I guess you never really know what some of these guys are capable of 🤷🏻‍♀️

By ‘moving on’, do you mean ‘settling down’? In some ways that’s the opposite of moving on.

I know friends have met nice people on Hinge.

Thanks so much for sharing! It's lovely that OLD worked in your favour, I'm definitely not in a rush to start using the apps again (I'd like to give myself a few months before I even try) but trying to go easy and take the pressure off of myself whilst using them was definitely something I wasn't good at before, and that eventually led to me meeting my ex, so maybe that's saying something 🫠
I'm using the time now to travel a little and get back to the things I used to love doing, like art and visiting museums, and it definitely has helped me find my old self little by little. It's amazing how a relationship that wasn't right can really shrink your world, and that's definitely not what I want going forward.
Thank you again, your story gives me a little pocket of hope! 😁

Yes sorry, I did mean settling down. I work with quite a few women around my age who are off getting engaged and married. Some of my friends are in a similar boat to me, so I do feel a good sense of understanding from them, but the whole settling down side of things does feel a million miles off for me right now.

Please spend some time getting to know yourself at this lovely age of 27. Oh what I’d do to be 27 again, and I am 35.

Spend some time finding out who you are outside of this relationship you were in. Yes, you thought you’d go on to marry that person, but try to reframe your situation in that they simply weren’t the right person for you. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enjoy some freedom. Do all of the things you’ve always wanted, try new things, hobbies, a new job, a new city, a new country. Live your life to the fullest, and when you feel happy and strong again, you’ll be at your best to meet the person you’ve always wanted. You’ll also be giving your best to them too. You’ve got this lovely 💛

You're right, it's definitely not something I'm thinking of doing anytime soon, I'm just a big overthinker and start worrying about things that aren't even close to happening yet. I've just come back from a solo trip and, although it was a bit lonely at times I enjoyed having that freedom to do what I wanted to do without consulting someone else! And I'm starting to make space for my hobbies again, which I definitely neglected whilst I was in my relationship.
I suppose I'll also have a sharper eye for some of the red flags I missed before when I do eventually decide to date again, so that's a bonus I suppose. Thank you for your reassuring words!