Alcoholic gaslighting husband refuses to talk to me - how to tell him I want to separate?

[Seaside1234]

Just that really - have quite abruptly come to the full realisation of how my alcoholic husband is gaslighting me. I’ve asked him twice via text to set aside time to talk to me, and been very firmly pushed back twice. We can’t go on like this, the atmosphere at home is horrendous and will be affecting our kids. Is it ever acceptable to bring up separation via text? I am late-diagnosed autistic, and find direct confrontation/expression of anger difficult due to this and how I was raised. I also suspect I will be accused of ambushing him if I try to talk to him directly without warning.

Married 18 years, DC 16 and 12. H had an affair about 8 years ago, I stayed because I believed we could improve things. Now he’s basically having an affair with alcohol. I support us more or less completely financially and practically. Money shouldn’t be a problem for me if we split, but I suspect significant debt I don’t know about.

Ty for any thoughts on what to do next.

Thankfully, our finances are separate. But he’s out drinking at least 4 nights a week, while barely working that I can see, and complaining about having no work. He’s had debts before, which I’ll fully admit to burying my head in the sand about.

As someone who has gone through this one thing I would say is have all your ducks in a row (drug addiction) I ensured I had enough cash coming in to take care of bills etc and that I truly could manage on my own.

I made numerous attempts to talk to him, sent messages requesting this not just asking him in person. I then recorded his behaviour (proof for me to show him both messages and his behaviour).

When I was sure I was capable alone and ready I had family members come over and I asked him to leave. He argued the point etc but I said I wanted him out. I showed him the videos I had taken (when he was high) and messages I had sent asking him to talk. He went to stay with a mate initially and I think he thought I would take him back. The moment he was gone I packed up all his belongings and messaged to say your stuffs pack and I want it gone and collected by x date - gave him I think about 2 weeks. His friends and family were left confused, I was bad mouthed etc but I forwarded on the videos of his behaviour and the proof I had about me trying to even speak with him.

Speak to a solicitor and get the legal process started and know where you stand legally too. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy or quick but I’m glad I took the time to try and talk and get proof and get everything sorted beforehand. I was totally heartbroken but I knew I had done my best to make it work. Also when the guilt trips started from him and his friends and family I had the proof to show them and him what I was putting up with. There were days/weeks/months I would consider taking him back etc but the proof I had gathered I would look at and remember why I had kicked him out.

If he’s not working, be prepared for him to refuse to move out until the divorce is finalised and he has a settlement.

From what you've said, get a couple lawyer consults and hire one. You have to do this in a manner that's the safest for you and the children and armed with knowledge of your rights and what you can do.

You don't have to tell him in person. That could be unsafe for you.

Have another person stay with you after he finds out. Can the kids stay with your parents if you suspect he'll make a wild scene or worse?

It doesn't matter what he says to whom. You can't live with his behaviour anymore and you're exiting the marriage.

Nobody really gives a fuck why unless they are nosey or love gossip.

Yes, of course he makes you feel like you’re in the wrong.

Because it suits him to make you responsible for all of it.

So, you are now done with asking, and you are just telling him. Move him out if you can at all- has he family he could move in with?

You aren’t asking his permission here (and the quicker you lose the mindset that you have to the better), you are telling him what is happening. There is going to be a divorce, you are not going to subsidize him any longer, and you will be telling family and friends that he is an alcoholic.
If he genuinely thinks you are so shit, and make him miserable- why on earth is he still there? Because he knows exactly that you are (were) making his life very comfortable indeed.

Yes there will be a couple of awful months, but then you are free.

Oh go away. You’re boring the tits off everyone

"We are getting a divorce"

Is about all you need to say. Dickhead deserves to be 'ambushed'. You don't need a flippin appointment!

Am I? Oh no!

That sounds incredibly tough, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so painful when the person you’ve trusted for years becomes someone who’s hurting you and your family, especially when there’s the added complexity of feeling gaslighted and shut down. You’re absolutely right to be worried about the impact on your kids — no one deserves to live in that kind of tension.
Given how hard it is for you to confront him directly, and how he’s already pushed back when you’ve tried to ask for time to talk, texting might actually be the safest way for you to express yourself clearly without feeling overwhelmed or ambushed. It’s okay to set boundaries and communicate your feelings in the way that feels safest for you.
If you do decide to bring up separation, you can try to frame it as something you need to consider for your own well-being and the kids’, rather than as an accusation or attack. You might say something like, “I’m really struggling with how things are at home, and I need to think seriously about what’s best for all of us. I want to be honest with you about where I am emotionally.”
Also, since you’re concerned about possible hidden debt and want to protect yourself financially, it might be a good idea to start gathering any financial information you can discreetly. Consulting a family lawyer for advice might also help you understand your options and feel more secure as you figure out the next steps.
You’re doing your best in a very difficult situation, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and your kids’ happiness. You’re not alone, and reaching out for support — whether friends, family, or professionals — can make a big difference. Take care of yourself.

That sounds incredibly tough, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so painful when the person you’ve trusted for years becomes someone who’s hurting you and your family, especially when there’s the added complexity of feeling gaslighted and shut down. You’re absolutely right to be worried about the impact on your kids — no one deserves to live in that kind of tension.
Given how hard it is for you to confront him directly, and how he’s already pushed back when you’ve tried to ask for time to talk, texting might actually be the safest way for you to express yourself clearly without feeling overwhelmed or ambushed. It’s okay to set boundaries and communicate your feelings in the way that feels safest for you.
If you do decide to bring up separation, you can try to frame it as something you need to consider for your own well-being and the kids’, rather than as an accusation or attack. You might say something like, “I’m really struggling with how things are at home, and I need to think seriously about what’s best for all of us. I want to be honest with you about where I am emotionally.”
Also, since you’re concerned about possible hidden debt and want to protect yourself financially, it might be a good idea to start gathering any financial information you can discreetly. Consulting a family lawyer for advice might also help you understand your options and feel more secure as you figure out the next steps.
You’re doing your best in a very difficult situation, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and your kids’ happiness. You’re not alone, and reaching out for support — whether friends, family, or professionals — can make a big difference. Take care of yourself.

So, first things first- telling him. You know he’ll try to twist things round, which will mess with your head. And if you’re somewhere on the spectrum then this sort of conflict is going to give you serious anxiety. So don’t feel bad about doing it in writing. Or just giving him the divorce papers ( you can do it yourself easily enough online). Do what’s right for you.
In practical terms - it’s great if you’re in a position to be able to buy him out, you and the kids stay where you are in the house. But if you’ve always been the main earner, expect him to have a claim of half your pension and if he has hidden debts, for you to be expected to pick up half of these as part of the settlement, so he might be able to claim for more than half the house, whatever you’ve put into it. So I would start to lawyer up quickly to try to protect as much as you can, and go to your bank / building society and see about setting up the mortgage to buy him out.
And get your family and friends on side now, it makes such a difference having people to lean on, not feeling you’re doing this on your own. It’s not going to be fun, but you can do this! Your future self and your kids will thank you for it.

So he’ll accuse you of ambushing him if you write him a letter? So what? Let him.

He doesn’t get to dictate your decisions just because it allows him to live in denial. He can be annoyed all he wants. You aren’t responsible for his feelings or behaviour. Let him feel ambushed. You have to move forward with your life and take back some peace for yourself.

Stop worrying about him OP. He is clearly not worrying about you. Whatever you say and however you say it doesn't matter. He'll be a twat regardless. I would sort as much of the legal and practical stuff as possible before you tell him. Expect him to be a bastard. Don't engage in arguments where you are trying to get him to understand your point of view. He will never accept any blame. Just be factual - this isn't working, we're both unhappy. It's time to separate. Good luck

I’d text him, you don’t have to have a big conversation, or even explain your reasoning.

‘Hi dh, I’ve been trying to speak to you for the past week/days, but you won’t give me any time so it leaves me with no option but to text. Our relationship has come to an end, so I’ve filed for divorce, the papers should be with you in x time. If you’d like to discuss this further I’m happy to do it face to face or over text. I’ll be telling then dc tonight at 8pm. Your choice if you want to do this together or not. Please take them into consideration when you do talk to them as they will be upset too.

but before you do this have a chat with a solicitor, take their advice, and get all your legal documents to a safe place

Thank you all so much for your advice - there are phrases here I’m gonna lift wholesale and use! This has given me a lot of support and reassurance. I already have a lot of paperwork copied and stashed at my office; my finances are pretty straightforward, and I have a good job that’s pretty secure, for which I’ve never been so thankful. Time to take the leap.

You don't have to have a reason to want to divorce.his refusal to admit a problem with drink is one thing. But he can't stop your opinion that you don't want to live with him anymore.

Good luck @Seaside1234 and let us know how it's going and how you are.
You'll be fine; you sound like a well-balanced and competent woman and you'll get through this.
Please prioritise your SAFETY!
Big hug. 🫂

Your finances may be separate but if he is hardly earning anything but can still afford to go out drinking most nights, it's only because you are paying for everything else.

He is going to come down to earth with a bump when he has to fend for himself. Just be careful that if he hardly works, he doesn't try and pretend that he is the main carer for the children, which he obviously isn't. These sorts of men can be very devious when their cushy lifestyle is threatened.

Just get the ball rolling on the divorce op
will you move out with kids or do you want him to move out

you hold all the cards

Write him a letter, send him a text and start the divorce online which will also email him/post a letter. Hes avoiding the conversation as he knows. Delaying. His drinking will not change. Im just divorcing my own h who is also a big drinker. I found time and no pressure a great help. Good luck. Get it done 👍