Any advice for me (33F) thinking about dating older men (42-50) and I am dating with intention??

[ForeverHopeful3]

I left my ex in May and I am done dating these losers who need 5+ years with a woman before they can make up their mind about marriage. I am 33 years old, I want to find my hubby (like yesterday lmao but I know I have to be patient), and I want kids in the next 2-3 years.

I am on dating apps and until tonight, I have been focusing on men 33-38 years old. Well, I put the age to 42-48 and my gosh, these guys are HOT! Not all of them, but I see some real Alphas and I feel like that is missing in my age group.

Has anyone dated older before? What's it like? The one's I am matching with have no kids, never married, and state that they are also dating for intention and want children. They are all well off in their careers and most of them are closer to 42-45.

I have never dated this far out of my age before but I am definitely down to try it.

10 years older max.. I wouldn't be looking beyond 42/43. I know someone who has just had a kid with a 56 year old, she is 40. He looks absolutely knackered and has aged about 15 years since I saw him a few years ago. He has money too so night nurses etc but age catches up with everyone, eventually

They may be hot but I would say that if a man has got to 42+, has never married and has no children even though they say they want these things… that would be a big red flag for me.

I don’t see a problem.
But I’d be cautious as there will be reasons other than career focus as to why they chose not to settle down earlier.
Some men are really stuck in their ways at 40-50.
Tread carefully, but no harm in exploring it!
Agree with you that men in early 40s can be very hot.

Hubby is 10 years older then me, he was married and divorced a long time before he met me. I've never looked back, we have 2 children and a happy life together

This, my husband is 10 years older than me. Word of advise, steer clear!

Totally but usually we tolerate it because of love, we fell in love before this bit started and it’s too late after that, you don’t want to switch them out. But why start at that point if you don’t have to.

I don't know OP. I married my husband when I was 28 and he was 40, it seemed like 12 years was ok. Now I'm 38 and he's 50, I still feel youngish and full of life, he's basically one foot in the grave. In terms of his interests, energy and personality, and (although this isn't important) his looks.

I also realise that at my age now, I don't have much in common with 28-30 year olds, so I can see how he must have felt towards me. But he didn't care, he just wanted the youngest women he could get - hardly the basis of a great relationship.

But hey, some people have found a great age gap relationship and maybe you will too.

OP, I've been there so not judging...I don't want kids but there's something about being mid thirties that is quite emotional?

It may be the stereotypes we've been fed which encourage us to feel desperate.

Honestly I'm 40s now and look and feel great and actually feel freer than mid thirties due to current work situation! (Been dating 6 years younger).

I detect you're being quite targeted in the way you're looking?

Unless you've met someone and PROPERLY got to know them you have no idea how well matched you are, how they make you feel?

Alpha is a meaningless term...there's a lot of guys with good jobs who are weird and needy and hardly paragons of masculinity!

A few months is often when the cracks start to show.

Especially if you've just broken up with someone, you're looking for a perfect replacement.

I'd just start meeting people for a year - combine apps with real life, don't have any set views, just see what happens. Check into your own feelings. Treat them as friends first. Really get to know them.

Even meet women who can introduce you to new men! Just expand your life. I was thinking how nice it us with AirBnb and remote working how we can do a few months in different big cities! I'm hoping to do a season in London 😇

Forget thinking about what job they have (as long as they work and are not a total waster).

I've seen women "settle" quickly for men as they tick certain social boxes (good job on paper etc).

Often these older guys are single for a reason....quite rigid, difficult, sometimes undiagnosed ND, Ok as long as everything is perfect but not good otherwise.

I can see why the women do it - but it's not great later on.

If you are 100% sure you want children from a biological perspective you should have them with the youngest freshest bloke going.

Go for it

I know successful single men in their forties who aren’t yet married or have kids because they’ve been prioritising career paths, travel, fun times. Now ready to settle down, and using dating apps as well as their networks to try and find a partner - there are men like this out there.

Just make sure you ask all the smart questions upfront.

Hi op,

usually speaking, 5years of difference is a good shot. I would stay well away from 50years old single man and also very much doubting their never been married/no children status.

So…as you are 33…any age in between 38 and 43 would be suitable? My guess is that 38 single yes ok…43 single, why?? Just avoid love bombing like the pest. Before talking baby n1, discuss their plan for life and how you would fit into this. Don’t believe them if it looks like they would have to make any changes for it…if they aren’t ready, move on.

This OP. And as you’re in your 30s, they’ll just think you’ll want kids.

They probably in their 40s without children because they didn’t want them.

Also, I don’t know why you’re surprised some of them are hot. Men don’t turn into wrinkly beasts the second they turn 38 you know 😂

Sounds like a plan - if you mean you’re going to remove or alter your age restriction upwards. Why not? You only need one person and he could easily be 44 and just out of a relationship with someone who didn’t want kids - it happens. I’d be 100% honest about your intention, sell sell sell, put your hottest photos up and watch them roll in; then interview hard.

This irrationally really pissed me off. Not you @EdisinBurgh but the fact that men have all the fucking time in the world swanning about doing what they want, when they want until their 40s whereas OP is already worrying about the ticking clock. It just doesn't seem fair at all.

I was 35 and DH was 52 when we met. He's way hotter than the men my age😊 go for it!

So what happened, did you meet someone? How long have you been together?

No. It isn’t fair. But it’s also reality. It’s always been reality. So many women in their 40s complain that men on OLD are only interested in women in their 30s. That’s not fair either. But while we’re analysing the structural inequality, she might as well meet one of her perfectly nice men out there and have a baby.

There are worse ideas …..

Ha make that 20s. 🤣 They are all verging on paedophiles. All the porn stars they all watch are in their 20s or younger.

This, with bells on.

Honestly I wouldn’t be going much older than your age. But maybe I’m a bit biased because I met dh online when he was 22 and I was 32 and divorced with a young dd. We’ve been together 16 years now (and now have a son together as well). I don’t fancy older men though.

Yes, we’ve been together 2 years now.

I LOVE trains and an afternoon nap on the sofa! 🤣

I wouldn't rule out the men late 20s/early 30s too. Many will have their heads screwed on and be looking for a serious relationship at that stage. The older ones could be single for a reason? Met my now husband when I was 31 he was 28.

This is unfortunate oh so very true 😭. My ex was 52 and oh my goodness he was a hottie. Kid you not a mixture of Sean Bean and an older David Beckham 😅. Also very charming, confident which is a very sexy trait! Had a FT job and his own home. For the first year I just couldn’t figure out what kind of woman would ever have cheated on him (I suspected this just from cryptic things said but he never told me). He was married to his first wife for 26 years so I just thought she must’ve gone mad and oh well - my gain. Anyhoo (!), a year or so later it became clear, oh so very painfully clear why his wife left for another man. He was utterly paranoid, convinced I was having affairs with zero proof, incredibly needy in terms of required me to constantly message and tell him I missed him, got passive aggressive if you were slightly late to respond to a text he sent, would temper the most insanely mediocre details from a year ago and then present them as ‘proof’ you were going off him - honestly that’s not even the all of it.

When I chucked him back, I have no doubt he would have picked someone up more or less immediately but yeah unfortunately sometimes by this age all of them -40s onwards there is a high degree many (esp the hotties!) are still single for most likely negative traits so definitely proceed with caution!

I think a wider age range as possible is a good idea - dating apps aren’t exactly awash with men who are actually datable, so a narrow age range will be a further hindrance.

Men that age will be looking for younger than you (breezy fling) or older (done snd dusted with family aspirations). You need guys your age or much younger, but not 40 plus