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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner turns everything round on me

27 replies

BumpVee · 01/07/2025 21:57

My partner smokes weed every day and always has done since I met him 7 years ago. I didn’t care at first but lately when he wakes up in the morning or comes back from work (basically has an extended period of time without smoking) he is so snappy, has a horrible vibe and starts arguments over nothing. These little arguments over split milk turn into something huge with him flying off the handle, shouting and insulting me.

Before I had my daughter I used to back down just to save the argument but now I don’t so it does turn into something bigger because I just cannot allow him to speak to me like that and I’ve got to stand up for myself.

The problem is afterwards, (after he’s smoked) he always just tries to change the subject and go back to normal without any form of apology and when I mention anything he always blames me for the argument and will never ever admit that he’s wrong.

It makes me start questioning if actually did start it but I know deep down I didn’t.

Have you ever dealt with a person like this? If so how do you deal with it? I have told him to leave but he refuses and I can’t leave as I am a sahm.

OP posts:
Alacartemenu · 01/07/2025 22:10

My partner smokes weed

That's all I needed to read to know you need to end this relationship. Your child shouldn't be around an addict, and certainly not witnessing him abusing you. You absolutely need to leave and protect her. Otherwise you're both failing her.

Alacartemenu · 01/07/2025 22:15

To add, you can ask for him to be removed by getting help from a domestic abuse charity. They can guide you through it

Original poster
BumpVee · 01/07/2025 22:19

Alacartemenu · 01/07/2025 22:10

My partner smokes weed

That's all I needed to read to know you need to end this relationship. Your child shouldn't be around an addict, and certainly not witnessing him abusing you. You absolutely need to leave and protect her. Otherwise you're both failing her.

I should have specified he is her father too. He does not and has never smoked inside the house or infront of her and in all honestly he is a really good dad and does anything I ask him to. I do understand where you’re coming from but how can you leave when you have nowhere to go?😂 if I could have left I would have done. I’m looking for ways to deal with him until I have the option to leave. I am actively looking for work to be able to support both me and my daughter but until then I’m asking people who have been in similar situations, how they’ve dealt with it

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 01/07/2025 22:22

Alacartemenu · 01/07/2025 22:15

To add, you can ask for him to be removed by getting help from a domestic abuse charity. They can guide you through it

I’m in a really difficult situation in that sense because his brother owns the house that we live in and my partner loves to remind me of this when these situations come up

OP posts:
Alacartemenu · 02/07/2025 00:19

Op if you are serious about leaving you need to speak to women's aid who can help you access a refuge, and you can rebuild your life. yes it will be unsettling and a bit scary, however you can give your dd a better life away from this abusive man. You both deserve a better life. Do not wait to start working to save up to move out, there's no saying when all of the pieces of the jigsaw will fit perfectly.

Once you're out you can access benefits and rebuild both your lives.

SkintSingleMumm · 02/07/2025 00:26

if thats the case let him kick you out. Go to the council with child and present as homeless. They will have to help you find accommodation

Bananalanacake · 02/07/2025 06:48

When he starts arguments over nothing what happens if you ignore him and walk off, don't give him an argument back.

Confusedorabused · 02/07/2025 07:03

Before he starts an argument, i bet he will pick a subject that he knows will get a reaction out of you. He will start talking aboit somethung that he knows can be easily escalated. At that point, picture yourself as a piece of sand paper, where "nothing sticks". Everything he says won't stick to you, he tries different stickers but they all fall off. Don't give him the reaction he is aiming for. Hopefully that will help so that the arguments won't even start.
This is short term of course, long term, you need a plan to leave.

Thepossibility · 02/07/2025 07:08

Oh yes this brings back memories. Both of my weed smoking parents were like this. The whole atmosphere of the house revolved around whether they had something to smoke or not. At the time as a child I obviously didn't realise that was the reason for the seemingly unprovoked anger and moods. It was us useless kids! And the house! And their DP! They would never admit that they were just desperate for a smoke. As soon as they had one the smile was back. Their harmless herb only made them chill, there's no harm in it (haha bullshit).
I remember trying to please them extra hard to make them happy with me again. Obviously there was nothing I could really do to make them happy when they needed their drug, not me. I remember walking on eggshells not knowing what I would get with them.
Is this experience what you're going to accept for your daughter?

SantasLargerHelper · 02/07/2025 07:30

It's the same as living with an alcoholic. I think the only thing to do if you want to hang in there until you can leave is grey rock. Just dont engage with him at all. My ex was similar because of weed. He was a good partner and father in lots of other ways so it took me until my 50s to finally be in a position to claim my life back. I turned myself into a Stepford Wife really, was existing rather than living life by the end.

Satisfiedkitty · 02/07/2025 07:38

The only way to stop the argument is to totally ignore him, no reaction, grey rock. But it's not a long term solution and I think can be dangerous if he's definitely wanting a fight as it can escalate.

You have to get out and leave. I know it's hard, but it's the only safe solution and you have to make sure your child is safe.

Wish44 · 02/07/2025 07:49

Leave while your DD is young and won’t notice the disruption/ temporary accommodation etc so much.

life can be nice OP. Life does not have to have someone in it who tests you this way.

mrandmrsrobinson · 02/07/2025 08:17

Bin

StrawberryWater · 02/07/2025 08:26

BumpVee · 01/07/2025 22:19

I should have specified he is her father too. He does not and has never smoked inside the house or infront of her and in all honestly he is a really good dad and does anything I ask him to. I do understand where you’re coming from but how can you leave when you have nowhere to go?😂 if I could have left I would have done. I’m looking for ways to deal with him until I have the option to leave. I am actively looking for work to be able to support both me and my daughter but until then I’m asking people who have been in similar situations, how they’ve dealt with it

Show quote history

A man who prioritises drugs, can’t live without them and abuses the mother of his child but he’s a good father and husband.

Sure Jan.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 02/07/2025 09:03

BumpVee · 01/07/2025 22:19

I should have specified he is her father too. He does not and has never smoked inside the house or infront of her and in all honestly he is a really good dad and does anything I ask him to. I do understand where you’re coming from but how can you leave when you have nowhere to go?😂 if I could have left I would have done. I’m looking for ways to deal with him until I have the option to leave. I am actively looking for work to be able to support both me and my daughter but until then I’m asking people who have been in similar situations, how they’ve dealt with it

Show quote history

Sorry love, but you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to run a relationship or take responsibility for himself.

Turning yourself into a doormat who always backs down was an unfortunate choice. You can carry on just as you, modelling thus for your daughter (don't stand up for yourself, let a man dominated you) or you can tell hom this isn't acceptable and he needs to stop this behaviour. If not, you'll have to separate.

Please also do the Freedom Program. You are not here to be subordinate. Good relationships are characterised by being able to handle conflict and compromise, not by one half always backing down.

Please do better for your daughter.

nopineapplepizza · 02/07/2025 09:12

You’re in a relationship with, and had a child with, a drug addict.

He's not a great dad and partner, he’s a drug addict.

Speak to social services and explain you and your child live with a drug addict and want to leave but have no where to go.

But do leave and do protect your child from growing up in this environment, it’s not healthy for them.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 02/07/2025 09:13

"He does not and has never smoked inside the house or infront of her"

It doesn't matter. He brings the effects of it into the home.

(p.s he is not a good dad if he treats the mother of his child poorly and creates an unhealthy home environment.)

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 02/07/2025 09:14

He's a druggie.
Raise your bar..
He will get worse..
He won't choose family over drugs.
Ltb

NewDogOwner · 02/07/2025 09:48

He can't be a good dad if he is mentally not there and is never in a fit state to properly interact with her or deal with an emergency situation.

Original poster
BumpVee · 02/07/2025 09:54

Bananalanacake · 02/07/2025 06:48

When he starts arguments over nothing what happens if you ignore him and walk off, don't give him an argument back.

We will both not speak to each other for days

OP posts:
xWildFlowerx · 02/07/2025 10:34

I have dealt with someone like this before, my biological father. For him it wasn't weed, but alcohol. It started the way you're describing and then suddenly we had no money for food or clothes cause he was wasting it all on alcohol. Mum didn't work and he controlled all the money. We couldn't use the living room anymore as that's where he stayed surrounded by cans/bottles. I could never have friends round. I was scared to be in my own house but at the same time I was scared for my mum to be there alone. There was horrible emotional and verbal abuse and I also saw physical abuse. When he wasn't drunk he always brought mum the biggest flowers, said he's sorry and he'd never do it again.

He'd be drunk for one week a month at first, then 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then always. I lived like this for 12 years until she finally took us to a women's refuge, only she then got back with him again. And he hadn't 'changed' at all, things went back to exactly how they used to be. I was very messed up because of all this for a long time.

I guess I just wanted to say that the only thing that can be done here is leaving. All the women at the refuge were in the same situation, they had no money and nowhere to live. I know it's really hard but it's still a million times better than this relationship. Your child will be so thankful to you for making the decision to leave. When I was in the refuge with no clothes, no things, no house, no money, no anything, sharing just a small room with my mum and sisters, it was the first time I'd felt happy during my childhood. Sorry, this has turned into an essay!

Original poster
BumpVee · 02/07/2025 13:18

xWildFlowerx · 02/07/2025 10:34

I have dealt with someone like this before, my biological father. For him it wasn't weed, but alcohol. It started the way you're describing and then suddenly we had no money for food or clothes cause he was wasting it all on alcohol. Mum didn't work and he controlled all the money. We couldn't use the living room anymore as that's where he stayed surrounded by cans/bottles. I could never have friends round. I was scared to be in my own house but at the same time I was scared for my mum to be there alone. There was horrible emotional and verbal abuse and I also saw physical abuse. When he wasn't drunk he always brought mum the biggest flowers, said he's sorry and he'd never do it again.

He'd be drunk for one week a month at first, then 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then always. I lived like this for 12 years until she finally took us to a women's refuge, only she then got back with him again. And he hadn't 'changed' at all, things went back to exactly how they used to be. I was very messed up because of all this for a long time.

I guess I just wanted to say that the only thing that can be done here is leaving. All the women at the refuge were in the same situation, they had no money and nowhere to live. I know it's really hard but it's still a million times better than this relationship. Your child will be so thankful to you for making the decision to leave. When I was in the refuge with no clothes, no things, no house, no money, no anything, sharing just a small room with my mum and sisters, it was the first time I'd felt happy during my childhood. Sorry, this has turned into an essay!

I’m sorry you had to deal with that as a child and thank you for sharing. I hope you’re not too affected by it now as an adult! This really has helped put things into perspective for me. My child is the most important person in this situation and I know what I need to do.

OP posts:
Francine84 · 02/07/2025 13:24

He’s smoked weed every day since you met him, and you chose to have a child with this man?

He's not a good father, and your daughter deserves better.

BumpVee · 02/07/2025 15:47

This reply has been deleted

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TheSandgroper · 02/07/2025 16:00

Ok. @BumpVee what’s done is done.

So, today, ring Women’s Aid. Get help. Prepare to be completely honest when they ask questions. And when they offer advice, take it.

You are a mum. You need to get your daughter out of there.

Tonight, collect all the paperwork you can find. Birth certificates, passports, dp’s payslips. Who owns the car? Etc. If you have a joint account running, open your own account and move everything there that is yours. Move all the paperwork to a friends house for safekeeping.