Feeling useless in my new SAHM role

[CustardCreams88]

I very recently had a baby - FTM and DC is 3 weeks old. I had a CS so for most of my DH's pat leave I had restricted mobility. He had to do all domestic tasks and I focused solely on feeding the baby as I'm EBF. I've recovered pretty well so far from the CS and I am largely back to full mobility now. But I'm very capable of doing absolutely everything in terms of baby care, domestic tasks and socialising.

DH has been back at work a week now and since he's gone back, I feel like I'm finding things at home are getting harder when they should surely be easier with more practice and greater recovery. DC was really easy in the first fortnight, slept loads as newborns do and didn't really fuss much. But since it's just been the two of us, the baby seems to have become much more clingy. They're demanding milk pretty much every hour and scream until the boob is in the mouth. They won't nap in the day unless it's a contact nap - soon as I put them in the moses basket, they wake up and cry (not an issue at night thank goodness, but I don't understand why they are happy to sleep alone at night but not for daytime naps?). This means I can't do anything around the house. I'm lucky if I've managed to eat breakfast before midday and I don't get a chance to make lunch. I can't shower, I can't tidy up - the house and I are so grubby by the end of the day!

DH has been amazing. He works a 10 hour day then comes home to cook tea and clean. I've expressed to him how frustrated I am that I'm not able to achieve anything with my day and that it's not fair he's doing both the paid and all domestic work. He absolutely doesn't mind and has reassured me of this. But that's not the point - I WANT to be able to do things. I honestly just feel so so useless currently. I've also taken on a bit of freelance work to make extra money whilst I'm not working. It's flexible and I can do it at any time of day, but I've barely been able to start yet because the baby won't sleep in the daytime. So I'm also feeling like I'm failing at that task too.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post, it's a bit of a vent really! Does anyone perhaps have any tips for managing to get tasks done with a newborn? Tips for encouraging non-contact napping maybe? I'm open to any suggestions! I love my baby so much, but sitting with them on me for 10 hours a day is not mentally or physically stimulating, and I'm worried that I'm going to spiral into PND if I can't manage to do other tasks through the day.

You’re not a housewife. You are looking after a newborn, keeping them fed changed and settling for naps. That is hard and it’s a full time job. Honestly, many if not most of us couldn’t manage to get much done at this stage.

Unfortunately babies do get harder after the first couple of weeks as they come out of the sleep all the time phase and getting them to sleep takes more work. The settling is important though or you end up with an overtired grumpy baby. It tends to get easier about 7/8 weeks.

Honestly do not fret about the house. At all. If you are managing to keep you and your baby fed and clean enough, and with enough sleep to manage, you’re doing fine.

Bless you, you're three weeks in? You're not even a SAHM yet, you're in the very early stages of mat leave, you're recovering from surgery and you're adapting to the biggest change you've probably ever had in your life while trying to meet the needs of a tiny and very needy baby.

The only thing you're getting wrong here is expecting yourself to do any more than you're currently doing. Just focus on you and the baby. Forget the house, forget work, forget everything else. You will be able to do other stuff in good time, but right now, your focus needs to be on nurturing the baby and nurturing yourself. That's it.

My daughter is 14 months now, my biggest tip- a baby carrier/wrap. Contact napping doesn’t mean you have to sit on the sofa (unless you want to of course), I used to do the dishes, prep meals, do the food shop, go for a walk, hoover, clean etc all while she was fast asleep in the baby wrap or carrier strapped to my chest. Baby gets a contact nap but you get your hands free, win win!

Lower your expectations and get a sling would be my suggestion. It's SUCH a hard adjustment being able to do so little when you first have a baby. I used to sit there, surrounded by mess, desperate to try and regain some semblance of order but basically being unable to do much of anything. Then I got a sling! That enabled me to do a lot more. I didn't have a CS so not sure if a sling is an option for you yet (you wear them very high when they are little so I guess it might be ok).

Also, you need to be ok with doing 'nothing' because actually you are looking after your baby and that's the most important job you have right now. Let your DH do the other stuff and try not to stress about the jobs.

It's completely normal, you and baby need to bond and adjust.

You're 3 weeks in, that's absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of parenting. Your "job" right now is to recover, rest and look after the baby. Your DH can make dinner and tidy up. Hand him the baby when he's finished work and get a shower. Sure, if you get a wash in the machine that's good but you've had major surgery 3 weeks ago, you need to take it easy and go easy on yourself.

this is completely normal

My husband used to make a sandwich for me for lunch before he left for work! because I was literally incapable of organising/ thinking/ focusing on eating and would end up not having anything.

Please think about how traditionally (ie. for thouands of years of human evolution) women raised babies. The mother did NOTHING but breastfeed the baby - she literally lay in bed - while other women cooked, rocked the baby etc, looked after the older children

The reason BF rates are so appallingly low in the UK is because we do not give a shit about BF mothers and do not allow them to focus all their energy time and attention on the baby. Instead mums are run ragged.

and gosh just seen its 3 weeks. I mean - op in many modern day societies women are on total bedrest for 40 days or so.

you have a tiny incredibly fragile and vulnerable human to care for - that's it, that's your job.

It's really hard trying to switch off to all the things you want to be doing round the house but you need to!
Breastfeeding is amazing but takes a lot of energy - resting a lot will help keep your supply up. It also helps you recover from the pregnancy and CS. Maybe set yourself the goal of achieving one thing in the house each day. But don't knock the amazing job you are doing in keeping your little one fed and cared for every day.
Also support the sling suggestion!

I'm years down the line from you. LET YOUR HUSBAND DO HIS PART. do not become super woman. And let your body heal. And most importantly give that little bundle a squeeze from me. Ooh I love baby cuddles.

As above. This is normal. Your thread title made me think you had toddlers and had just given up working but you are 3 weeks in from having a baby amd major surgery on top of that!

My one thing would be to get your baby's latch checked by a breastfeeding specialist support group (preferably by an IBCLC). Feeding every hour might be a growth spurt, or because of the hot weather, but if it's ALL. THE. TIME. Something probably needs a tweak.

Thanks everyone for your reassurance. I do have a sling but bizarrely baby doesn't seem to like it despite wanting constant contact otherwise. When I've tried the sling they suddenly become very alert and try to wriggle free. The hourly feeding has only started recently, in the past 3 days or so, so I'm hoping it's just the hot weather making baby thirsty. But I have a midwife appointment later in the week so I'll get her to review BF and latching then.

I know you're all right that I need to just lower my expectations! To be honest I only really started to feel the sense of frustration at not getting stuff done when I started the freelance work at the weekend. I think maybe I need to admit defeat and hand it back! I'm an older mum at 38 and my career has been my life for almost 20 years - it's been harder than I expected to go from being an active workaholic to a homebody. I need to embrace Netflix don't I...

I think you are expecting far too much from yourself. Maternity leave is there to give you time to focus on raising your baby and recover from pregnancy and birth (if you'd had other major abdominal surgery you'd get 6 weeks off work minimum!)
You've realised you need to cut yourself some slack so please be kind to yourself. Your husband hasn't just spent 9 months growing a human then giving birth! I would accept it when he says he's happy to do what he's doing. A decent husband would be - mine was!
My first maternity leave was both shockingly hard and wonderful. The best thing was goimg to mum and baby support groups and meeting up with friends for support as well.

Definitely embrace Netflix! And persevere with the sling - mine was like yours and I gave up on it, with hindsight I wish I’d have tried a bit longer to get her to learn to
like it as it would have made life so much easier.

What everyone else said - and, kindly, you are bonkers taking on freelance work at this time! Just apologise and get rid of it, you have enough to do. Maternity leave is there for a reason!

Maternity leave is not being a SAHM. Recovery from pregnancy and birth (physical and mental), parenting a newborn etc.

You underestimated what’s involved in motherhood of a newborn! I well recall the shock about the huge loss of autonomy and time/energy to get things done.

Doing all housework on mat leave isn’t a good road to go down, even if you plan to SAH.

Also, if you want to return to work after a period of mat leave, that’s fine.

please be more kind towards yourself. It’s ok if all you manage to do is to take care of yourself and your baby. I had my mum for 2.5 months after my EMCS and I still struggled as my recovery was so slow.

Embrace Netflix, and make sure you have all your snacks ready when you sit down! At that stage we agreed that my job was feeding the baby and DP's was feeding me, anything beyond that is a bonus.

First baby is a huge adjustment - and it is hard. Especially if you used to be really active and busy - and not have been around babies much. As was my case - and, like you, I also found it really challenging.

As to baby "not doing this or that" - like not sleeping in basket, not liking the sling - all of it is something you can work on to get him used to it. If he doesn't like something in the first try - you absolutely can and should try and try again - at different times, etc. And try different slings, for e.g,

Personally - at the really young age as yours is - I won't even try a proper sling - and try the wrap around sort of "sling". I don't remember what it is called. But it just mimics being held by hands and is not as structured as proper baby carrier. Women all over the world carry their babies in those wraps.

As to sleeping - there are different philosophies. For me, with each of my two - it worked well to work on a routine - which made life so much easier on all. It took time - but eventually, we had a nap routine in a quiet dark room, little song, with a dummy (only for sleep).
I had no idea how to do any of that - so used some baby parenting book for advice and tried all kinds of ways to get it going. Feeding just before nap, swaddling in a certain way, rocking, putting down for a min - taking out when crying, on and on. It really wasn't easy - but I kept at it as it seemed important to me at the time - and it worked after a while.

As others said - at 3 weeks in - it's early days. Forget about messy house, it doesn't matter atm. First 3 months - in my experience - is the time when you figure out how to take care of the baby. It's a steep learning curve. And they change all the time, so you will need to keep up.

(and, separately - b-feeding takes time to establish too. And baby's needs change as they rapidly grow. And this is why they start feeing more often, so that your body produces more milk.)

You're doing amazingly! DH needs to give you half an hour in the Morning before work where he holds baby and you shower and eat, same in evening.

Have you got a sling? You can do washing up etc with baby in it. But in general, please rest and enjoy the cuddles.

Yes, baby is likely to feed more in the hot weather to keep hydrated.x

You've all been so kind, and reading your messages has definitely helped me to chill a bit (I was having a wobble earlier for sure - first one in three weeks so I think I panicked).

A little update to those of you who suggested the sling, I decided to give it another go, just to see. As has been the case previously, baby screamed and thrashed at first, but then by some miracle (and a few minutes of perseverance, rocking and shhhing), they fell asleep. That was an hour ago and they're still snoozing! I've managed to put the bin out and have a sandwich (though it nearly ended in tears when I dropped a crisp on baby's face...). So I do feel like I've managed to achieve something beyond sitting today, which has definitely helped uplift me!

Hi OP, like you i had a 20 year high achieving career prior to DS being born. I really struggled with the utter change to my former life.

The first few weeks are relentless and so intense you probably can't see a way out to it getting better. It will do though, just hang in there and lower your standards, drop the freelance work for now and focus on keeping you and your baby fed, watered, clean and cared for. View getting out of the house in less than 2 hours as the pinnacle of achievement for a few months!

It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive DH there!

Drink lots of water yourself.

But this is completely par for the course at this stage. All normal.

Now is the time for you to learn your baby. His likes, dislikes, capabilities and what it can’t do. What his words are, what is his happy place. Take this time, relax into it. Sing songs, read stories and poetry.

When daddy either comes in or first thing in the morning, he should read stories and rhymes, too, so baby learns about daddy and they have a nice time together.