Feeling useless in my new SAHM role

[CustardCreams88]

I very recently had a baby - FTM and DC is 3 weeks old. I had a CS so for most of my DH's pat leave I had restricted mobility. He had to do all domestic tasks and I focused solely on feeding the baby as I'm EBF. I've recovered pretty well so far from the CS and I am largely back to full mobility now. But I'm very capable of doing absolutely everything in terms of baby care, domestic tasks and socialising.

DH has been back at work a week now and since he's gone back, I feel like I'm finding things at home are getting harder when they should surely be easier with more practice and greater recovery. DC was really easy in the first fortnight, slept loads as newborns do and didn't really fuss much. But since it's just been the two of us, the baby seems to have become much more clingy. They're demanding milk pretty much every hour and scream until the boob is in the mouth. They won't nap in the day unless it's a contact nap - soon as I put them in the moses basket, they wake up and cry (not an issue at night thank goodness, but I don't understand why they are happy to sleep alone at night but not for daytime naps?). This means I can't do anything around the house. I'm lucky if I've managed to eat breakfast before midday and I don't get a chance to make lunch. I can't shower, I can't tidy up - the house and I are so grubby by the end of the day!

DH has been amazing. He works a 10 hour day then comes home to cook tea and clean. I've expressed to him how frustrated I am that I'm not able to achieve anything with my day and that it's not fair he's doing both the paid and all domestic work. He absolutely doesn't mind and has reassured me of this. But that's not the point - I WANT to be able to do things. I honestly just feel so so useless currently. I've also taken on a bit of freelance work to make extra money whilst I'm not working. It's flexible and I can do it at any time of day, but I've barely been able to start yet because the baby won't sleep in the daytime. So I'm also feeling like I'm failing at that task too.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post, it's a bit of a vent really! Does anyone perhaps have any tips for managing to get tasks done with a newborn? Tips for encouraging non-contact napping maybe? I'm open to any suggestions! I love my baby so much, but sitting with them on me for 10 hours a day is not mentally or physically stimulating, and I'm worried that I'm going to spiral into PND if I can't manage to do other tasks through the day.

Some tips that worked for me in the early days of each baby, as I also struggled with the concept of not getting loads done during the day etc:

• give the house a quick tidy and vacuum in the evening (both you and DH), then you don’t need to worry about trying to tidy during the day. If you can afford a weekly cleaner then definitely get one!
• put a wash on in the evening and pop it in the dryer before bed. Clothes can be sorted and folded during the day sat next to the baby while they have a good stretch and play on the floor
• either you or DH make yourself a sandwich in the evening or morning, or have meals in the freezer that can be heated up, for you to have for lunch time
• have a shower before DH leaves for work, then you’re all set for the day
• Get out for a walk every morning, it will give you both some fresh air and hopefully give baby a good long nap in the pram. I also felt less guilty for “sitting around” if I’d been out for a walk.
• adjust your mindset, you’re still working but your job now is to look after this tiny baby who relies on you for all its needs. If you can get something else done in the day thats a bonus, but not part of your job description.
• Choose a good series to watch, use the toilet, get snacks and drinks to hand and settle down on the sofa for cuddles with the baby.

In terms of encouraging non-contact naps, it very much depends on the baby. DS1 loved a nap in the pram or the babybjorn bouncer, DS2 settled well in his cot eventually, DD wanted cuddles and attention all the time (she hasn’t changed!) and would only sleep on me or occasionally swaddled up in a rocker. So don’t worry about it too much, they all sleep fine in their own beds now so it’s made zero difference how they napped in the long run.

This.

your expectations are too high. You’ve just started the biggest rollercoaster of your life, have some patience.

no first time mum does freelance work with a 3 week old. Not unless they have some one else looking after that baby!!

definitely go to a sling library - that will get you your hands back while baby naps happily

By sling, I mean something like this. Not a hard rigid baby bjorn type one.

it’s just like being held, baby will get used to it

https://www.johnlewis.com/ergobaby-aura-baby-carrier-wrap/twilight-navy/p4845060Ergobaby Aura Baby Carrier Wrap, Twilight Navy

I do have a wrap like this - we did have a successful go with it earlier today!

Lower your expectations of yourself. Set yourself one small thing a day to achieve. Make it really silly things to start with to emphasise that you CAN achieve things. Mine was simple things like: getting dressed to start with! Putting the kettle on! Watering a house plant.

Overtime you'll challenge yourself more with your daily small thing, and they'll get bigger and bigger without you even noticing and then suddenly, before you know it, you'll be over achieving compared to these early days now! Prep for dinner. Cook dinner. Wash the dishes. Unload the dishwasher. Fold hang and wash the clothes. Vacuum the floor, clean the bathroom, make it to baby group.

Having a baby is a complete lifestyle adjustment. Take it step by step.

Congratulations on your newborn!

Oh love you've got a newborn! It is so hard. I was terrified for months. My DS didn't sleep but ate well and I found myself with him breastfeeding most of the day and might.

When I had truly awful days my lovely DF used to say if everyone is fed and not dead it's a success. That's glib I know but it really helped me because that's the important stuff not the state of the house.

You are doing well! Your baby is thriving!

If not already mention look up the 4th trimester. Basically for the first 3 months baby needs you as much as before they were born (ie 24/7). We allow ourselves to rest as much as possible during third trimester and the same should apply to the 4th ☺️

Feeding takes forever, winding, changing, then after an hour it’s the same over again.
is she fully winded before going to Moses basket?
Or a blanket over her before you put her in, so she doesn’t Feel the heat loss.

First of all you're doing great, everything you're supposed to.

this sounds really normal

get a really good sling or baby wrap

get used to showering for bed not on a morning.

take some pressure off yourself for a while please.

ask dh to load dinner into the slow cooker before he leaves to neither of you have to cook. Some great recipes on Instagram

We went to a few birth classes before having our first child. Neither of us have ever forgotten the woman leading our class telling us the story of a man who came home from work to his wife and newborn baby, looked around the house and asked, "What have you done all day?"
She fixed him with a steely gaze and said, "I brushed my teeth!"

Not only did she tell the men never to dare ask that question, but she told the prospective mothers that in the early weeks, brushing your teeth was a huge achievement and never to downplay it.

It really helped us both keep things in perspective with all of our babies.

And it sounds as though you're doing a heck of a lot more than brushing your teeth!

Babies can be put down somewhere safe and left to cry while you shower or eat breakfast. Think of crying as communication rather than being sad/upset.So if they've been fed, burped, changed they're just having a grumble, there's nothing seriously wrong.

I can't be bothered to read the other responses, but I'm in the same boat!

It's really difficult to feel like you should be able to do the bare essentials of house wife stuff and not be able to! Then on top of that, the guilt of having our amazing husbands do even more work once they get home. It extra sucks that my poor husband seems to only see our baby over tired and cranky in the evening.

Some things that have helped us:

• This advice: The house will one day be clean again, good meals will one day be cooked again, but your baby will never be a baby again.
• When people ask 'what can I do to help', take them up on that offer and tell them to cook something you can freeze!
• Aus has extra days for paternity care with our parental support system. DH took a few days off for a 4 day weekend where he spent most of his time with our baby. It really motivated him to see our baby in his happiest moments (plus it helped him understand how difficult the day can be)
• I have a chekoh baby carrier. Baby loved it as a newborn then hated it! I realised he now only likes it when his arms are over the straps so he can lean on them as if it was my shoulder (hope that makes sense)
• Our baby is 4 months old now so he can do a bit more without being attached to me. I get about 2x 30 minute slots a day where he can do some tummy time or play in his bouncer and I can do something else while watching him (like eat or stare into space lol)
• Understanding that my baby basically throws a tantrum just before he sleeps. It's like 10 minutes of screaming and thrashing but so long as I hold him tight and sing, he'll fall asleep! I find the baby carrier to be the best for this. If I hold him, he seems to be able to smell milk and get hungry and inconsolable as it must be too close to the BF position.

Devoting life to a newborn IS your career at the moment.
There is no other stuff that matters.

I loved being a SAHM, I’d go so far as to say I’m good at it and did embrace it. 3 weeks after giving birth, though? Lol. No.

I expected nothing of myself ant that stage other than feeding my baby. Once I had more babies, I used every pathway available to me to be able to do that even with toddlers in tow - eg asking family members I don’t usually ask to take toddler out, that type of thing. Drawing on favours, asking for takeaway vouchers/food in lieu of gifts, whatever meant I could just keep me and the baby healthy without over thinking the older children.

You’re being unfair on yourself, and your DH if he was living alone would have to do laundry and eat anyway, it’s not like there’s a massive household to run and keep above water. Embrace getting to know your baby’s subtle cues while watching some good Netflix series, have some nice walks and when you’ve got some energy don’t waste it on scrubbing out the cupboards - use it to get out and about and meet likeminded other mums.

In many cultures the mum is not allowed to lift a finger for six weeks - I always channeled that kind of vibe. I say that as an over organised, cleaner type. Relax!