I’m in my mid 40s, eldest of four siblings. Both parents (early 70s) still alive although feeling increasingly old and frail, I’d say until recently we had a really good relationship and enjoyed spending time together. I had a happy childhood and as far as I can remember my parents were loving and supportive, although I remember struggling with low self esteem and anxiety in my teens which to an extent has continued to present day (although age has helped this and I give fewer shits now!)
I had a health scare a few years ago, and I was fortunate to be referred for some NHS psychotherapy to help me during the difficult time, as I found the experience really stressful and overwhelming.
The therapy (I had six sessions) was really helpful and I spent quite a bit of time digging into my past to examine the root causes of my anxiety, which I found really made me better able to cope with the health stresses I was experiencing as it made me realise my anxiety was disproportionate to the experience, and I am likely better able to cope than I give myself credit for.
But the side effect is it’s really changed how I view my parents. Basically the therapy threw up the idea that a sizeable part of my anxiety come from overprotective or anxious behaviour by my parents, which still continues to this day (for some reason more intensively focused on me than my siblings, or at least that’s my perception). I suspect I have internalised my parents’ worry about me as a feeling that I generally cannot cope with life’s stresses. (It was me who reached this conclusion, not suggested by therapist).
I now find it really difficult to communicate with / be around my parents as when they worry aloud about my life (or that of my siblings) it feels quite triggering and I find it hard not to get cross or upset. There’ve also been a few instances recently of my (normally very mild mannered) parents losing their cool and shouting at my two primary age DC, which I think is because they get angry on my behalf about my children making my life “difficult” (which they don’t, they’re just being children, and I chose to have them!).
My parents have both had their own traumas in life, and I know have approached parenting with love and a desire to do their best. I am sure my parenting isn’t perfect either (who’s is?) so am trying to be pragmatic and kind but it all feels quite raw.
My parents generally have a very repressed approach to mental health (I suspect one of them has mental health issues themselves but they’ve spent many years denying it) and I don’t feel I could ever tell them any of this, so as a result I’m now just screening maybe 2/3 of their calls, have stopped suggesting we meet up until it’s been so long I feel I just have to etc, which I appreciate must be hugely confusing and hurtful as they have no idea what’s caused it.
Probably the answer is more therapy, but I’m not sure how feasible that is as I could only get it by going private. Is there anything else I can do to keep the relationship warm and friendly but also maintain a bit more boundaries? I’m feeling horribly guilty but somehow still don’t want to pick up the phone when it rings.