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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship with parents worse since therapy - how to move on / repair

58 replies

MunsteadWood · 30/06/2025 18:35

I’m in my mid 40s, eldest of four siblings. Both parents (early 70s) still alive although feeling increasingly old and frail, I’d say until recently we had a really good relationship and enjoyed spending time together. I had a happy childhood and as far as I can remember my parents were loving and supportive, although I remember struggling with low self esteem and anxiety in my teens which to an extent has continued to present day (although age has helped this and I give fewer shits now!)

I had a health scare a few years ago, and I was fortunate to be referred for some NHS psychotherapy to help me during the difficult time, as I found the experience really stressful and overwhelming.

The therapy (I had six sessions) was really helpful and I spent quite a bit of time digging into my past to examine the root causes of my anxiety, which I found really made me better able to cope with the health stresses I was experiencing as it made me realise my anxiety was disproportionate to the experience, and I am likely better able to cope than I give myself credit for.

But the side effect is it’s really changed how I view my parents. Basically the therapy threw up the idea that a sizeable part of my anxiety come from overprotective or anxious behaviour by my parents, which still continues to this day (for some reason more intensively focused on me than my siblings, or at least that’s my perception). I suspect I have internalised my parents’ worry about me as a feeling that I generally cannot cope with life’s stresses. (It was me who reached this conclusion, not suggested by therapist).

I now find it really difficult to communicate with / be around my parents as when they worry aloud about my life (or that of my siblings) it feels quite triggering and I find it hard not to get cross or upset. There’ve also been a few instances recently of my (normally very mild mannered) parents losing their cool and shouting at my two primary age DC, which I think is because they get angry on my behalf about my children making my life “difficult” (which they don’t, they’re just being children, and I chose to have them!).

My parents have both had their own traumas in life, and I know have approached parenting with love and a desire to do their best. I am sure my parenting isn’t perfect either (who’s is?) so am trying to be pragmatic and kind but it all feels quite raw.

My parents generally have a very repressed approach to mental health (I suspect one of them has mental health issues themselves but they’ve spent many years denying it) and I don’t feel I could ever tell them any of this, so as a result I’m now just screening maybe 2/3 of their calls, have stopped suggesting we meet up until it’s been so long I feel I just have to etc, which I appreciate must be hugely confusing and hurtful as they have no idea what’s caused it.

Probably the answer is more therapy, but I’m not sure how feasible that is as I could only get it by going private. Is there anything else I can do to keep the relationship warm and friendly but also maintain a bit more boundaries? I’m feeling horribly guilty but somehow still don’t want to pick up the phone when it rings.

OP posts:
ByGreenHiker · 01/07/2025 08:01

Until recently, you had a good relationship with your parents and enjoyed spending time with them.

How interesting then that therapy in your forties made you realize your anxiety as your parent's faults, and you want to distance yourself from them. That's really quite something that you didn't come to that conclusion on your own.

For context, my mother was brutal with her fists. She would hit me over nothing for spilling a drink on the floor for example. You stupid kid, i'm the clever one you re the stupid one, making me feel everything I did was never good enough, always wanting to be somebody else something other than what I am.

Being really possessive with me. Not wanting me to spend time with friends because she wanted me in her presence all the time. She used me for company rather than seeking her own life

My university choice was rubbish.My degree choice was rubbish.My professional career was rubbish.I could have done better than that.

I'm sorry, but if you haven't noticed this about your parent's behavior and it hasn't impacted your relationship with them until you're pretty much half way through your natural born life, then I'd suggest that maybe this is something you've constructed.

Low self esteem and anxiety are extremely common in teenagers and an adults. I'd actually say it's more unusual to be super confident. Over my lifespan, I ve met far more people who doubt their abilities than people who are confident in them

It's just such a bizarre thing to alter your relationship with your parents for suddenly finding out that this is their fault and it's not something you've considered before I think long and hard before you change the nature of your relationship with them.

It could be nothing more than you being their precious first born who normally gets the most helicopter parenting. Dynamics are hard to shift once they re set. It could be nothing more than that, they could be no malice or deliberate behavior involved. His helpful to have a reason or it.Excuse or someone to blame for the way we are.But sometimes their really isn't one.

Lottapianos · 01/07/2025 08:38

'I'm sorry, but if you haven't noticed this about your parent's behavior and it hasn't impacted your relationship with them until you're pretty much half way through your natural born life, then I'd suggest that maybe this is something you've constructed.'

That's really inappropriate, and really dangerous advice. Therapy doesn't put ideas in people's heads, but can certainly help you to recognize patterns of behaviour that had been familiar to you all your life, and their impact on you. OP said that she has experienced anxiety for a very long time - that didn't come out of nowhere

Sparkiest · 01/07/2025 09:05

Om83 · 30/06/2025 23:15

Really identified with you saying when you’re excited about some life news they bring up worries… I have this with my parents of the same age amongst other issues. It really feels like a put down along the lines of ‘how would you manage’, or more recently in job interviews that I was perhaps setting my sights too high. The joke is that when I did actually need them emotionally when I made a huge life changing decision that I wanted their support and advice on because I wasn’t coping, there was nothing of substance or reassurance, and now it’s in the past I get comments about ‘what a shame that happened’ when they knew how upset it was making me at the time… I read my parents comments as put downs though rather than worries/anxiety.

I have always sought/relied on their approval, but now I have seen their behaviour for what it is, I too have reduced contact, don’t always answer the phone and am worried they will start to notice I am pulling away… at the moment I just have an air of glossing over everything and being busy… so no advice but a similar boat.

I found this such a helpful post, both in relation to my parents and my children.

I tell my mother very little- just surface stuff- because I find her responses hard to deal with- constant negativity, catastrophising and what feels like blame. I know that if I ever told her something really bad that had happened to me- my miscarriages, for example- her response would be negative and probably blaming. If I ever tell her about a disagreement I've had, she tries to tell me why the other person is right. Easier not to say anything.

With my children (now older teens) I have a constant urge to do what feels like loving parenting but comes out as negativity. DS has gone on holiday with some friends this week and it was a real struggle for me not to talk endlessly before he went about what he needs to take, what to do if things go wrong, wear sun protection, here's the travel insurance etc etc. I know he finds it tedious and negative and also that he doesn't need it- he's quite capable of getting himself to France and back and remembering his passport- but it's as if on some deep level I feel that being a good mother means looking out for the pitfalls and warning against them. But better to bite my tongue and just say "have a great time", which I managed to do.

This has been an eye-opener for me with my mother, whom I know loves me. Endlessly looking for what might go wrong or why I might be wrong as a sort of messed up loving watchfulness.

I've found this way of thinking about it helpful, both in terms of helping me to avoid these mistakes with my own children and maintain a good relationship with my mum. The post above expresses the negatives with a real clarity Flowers

Lottapianos · 01/07/2025 09:25

'If I ever tell her about a disagreement I've had, she tries to tell me why the other person is right'

Hard relate to this! Both of my parents are the same. It's like they automatically take the other person's side. My place is always in the wrong

Huge well done to you on recognising that unhelpful behavior in yourself and acting on it. Not every parent is capable of that level of reflection and perspective, to put it mildly

vincettenoir · 01/07/2025 09:35

Sparkiest · 01/07/2025 09:05

I found this such a helpful post, both in relation to my parents and my children.

I tell my mother very little- just surface stuff- because I find her responses hard to deal with- constant negativity, catastrophising and what feels like blame. I know that if I ever told her something really bad that had happened to me- my miscarriages, for example- her response would be negative and probably blaming. If I ever tell her about a disagreement I've had, she tries to tell me why the other person is right. Easier not to say anything.

With my children (now older teens) I have a constant urge to do what feels like loving parenting but comes out as negativity. DS has gone on holiday with some friends this week and it was a real struggle for me not to talk endlessly before he went about what he needs to take, what to do if things go wrong, wear sun protection, here's the travel insurance etc etc. I know he finds it tedious and negative and also that he doesn't need it- he's quite capable of getting himself to France and back and remembering his passport- but it's as if on some deep level I feel that being a good mother means looking out for the pitfalls and warning against them. But better to bite my tongue and just say "have a great time", which I managed to do.

This has been an eye-opener for me with my mother, whom I know loves me. Endlessly looking for what might go wrong or why I might be wrong as a sort of messed up loving watchfulness.

I've found this way of thinking about it helpful, both in terms of helping me to avoid these mistakes with my own children and maintain a good relationship with my mum. The post above expresses the negatives with a real clarity Flowers

Show quote history

Well done for handling your son’s trip as well as you did. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to break the cycle like that.

TorroFerney · 01/07/2025 09:39

MunsteadWood · 30/06/2025 21:14

Thanks for your replies. @AlwaysBeenYou I actually don’t feel angry towards my parents as I feel now I know my anxiety is disproportionate it’s helped me hugely to distance myself from it, if that makes sense. Like I can look at how I feel about a situation that I used to find really difficult and tell myself “although you’re feeling anxious about this, that’s just because you’ve learnt to feel that way, not because there’s actually something to be anxious about” - which sounds weird but has actually been really freeing! And I can’t feel angry because I know how they behaved came from / comes from a place of love, rather than wanting to be damaging. But suppose I feel irritated, because I feel I’m making progress on the journey, and every time they express worry or doubt about something I’m excited about (new job, for example) I feel like it gives me extra work to do to ignore their worries and keep powering on, if that makes sense. But I recognise it would probably be upsetting to them to hear this (not least because I’d had to admit to them about feeling anxiety, which ridiculously I’d never want to do - my brother did a few years back and they still worry enormously about him). So my knee jerk reaction is just to avoid them, so I avoid this situation coming up - and also because I feel to avoid triggering any worry in them I need to be just relentlessly positive in everything I tell them, which means I don’t really feel I can have an authentic relationship.

The issue with how they’ve (on occasion) treated my children is separate but linked. My hunch is it comes from the same place - overprotectiveness and worry - they want me to have an easy life and when they see my children “misbehaving” they feel cross with them on my behalf. But that makes me feel more distant from them - firstly I don’t want my children being shouted at, and secondly because obviously I love them I instinctively feel protective (of them against my parents), which makes me want to see them less.

i guess I recognise that none of this is their fault, and that my choices are likely a) to talk to them about it (which I’m not going to do), b) massively cut down contact with them but not explain why (which just feels cruel), or find a way to move past it so we can rebuild our relationship, even if I have to accept it’ll never be quite the same as it was before.

@Mysticguru you mentioned a journey of cleansing, which feels appealing! Do you have any idea of the steps I could take that could help? I’d love to move past this but am finding it increasingly difficult.

Why can’t you feel angry? Two things can be true ; they had poor childhoods and they also didn’t parent you well
enough, you aren’t betraying them by thinking that. Feeling sorry for them is not helpful it stunts your ability to move forward I’ve found and also stops you standing up for yourself and your children, the latter which you’ve described happening. You need to be angry that they think so little of you that they think they can discipline your children.

InvitingMattress · 01/07/2025 09:43

Lottapianos · 01/07/2025 09:25

'If I ever tell her about a disagreement I've had, she tries to tell me why the other person is right'

Hard relate to this! Both of my parents are the same. It's like they automatically take the other person's side. My place is always in the wrong

Huge well done to you on recognising that unhelpful behavior in yourself and acting on it. Not every parent is capable of that level of reflection and perspective, to put it mildly

God, yes, I recognise this too. And I echo the well done in recognising and avoiding, @Sparkiest. Parenting so often brings you up against the parental scripts you were raised by.

Also, my sister recently got a new job she really wanted, a considerable step up professionally, and was excited and happy. I was there when she told our parents, who both looked baffled and slightly cross.

Mum: ‘What was wrong with [old workplace]? Was there someone you didn’t get on with?’
Dad: ‘But you’ll never get parking!’

TorroFerney · 01/07/2025 09:46

myplace · 30/06/2025 22:01

Pragmatically, you need coping strategies that you haven’t yet developed as you weren’t aware of the issues.

I’d suggest a few phrases to use on repeat-
Mum, it’s fine. I can handle this.
Mum, stop fretting. It’s under control. I don’t need you to fret.
Dad, stop. This is not helping it’s making it worse.

Grey Rock, where you put them on an information diet. Don’t tell them anything that worries them. Don’t give them information to make your life harder.

Identify what the problem is and who it belongs to. Mum is wittering because she has anxiety. I am not anxious, mum is anxious. Dad is shouting at the children because Dad is a control freak. I need to protect my children, I do not need to control Dad or the children.

What a fabulous post.

TorroFerney · 01/07/2025 09:52

ByGreenHiker · 01/07/2025 08:01

Until recently, you had a good relationship with your parents and enjoyed spending time with them.

How interesting then that therapy in your forties made you realize your anxiety as your parent's faults, and you want to distance yourself from them. That's really quite something that you didn't come to that conclusion on your own.

For context, my mother was brutal with her fists. She would hit me over nothing for spilling a drink on the floor for example. You stupid kid, i'm the clever one you re the stupid one, making me feel everything I did was never good enough, always wanting to be somebody else something other than what I am.

Being really possessive with me. Not wanting me to spend time with friends because she wanted me in her presence all the time. She used me for company rather than seeking her own life

My university choice was rubbish.My degree choice was rubbish.My professional career was rubbish.I could have done better than that.

I'm sorry, but if you haven't noticed this about your parent's behavior and it hasn't impacted your relationship with them until you're pretty much half way through your natural born life, then I'd suggest that maybe this is something you've constructed.

Low self esteem and anxiety are extremely common in teenagers and an adults. I'd actually say it's more unusual to be super confident. Over my lifespan, I ve met far more people who doubt their abilities than people who are confident in them

It's just such a bizarre thing to alter your relationship with your parents for suddenly finding out that this is their fault and it's not something you've considered before I think long and hard before you change the nature of your relationship with them.

It could be nothing more than you being their precious first born who normally gets the most helicopter parenting. Dynamics are hard to shift once they re set. It could be nothing more than that, they could be no malice or deliberate behavior involved. His helpful to have a reason or it.Excuse or someone to blame for the way we are.But sometimes their really isn't one.

Edited

I completely disagree. I was taught from day one that I existed to soothe and comfort my mother , she told me she’d kill herself if it wasn’t for me, totally enmeshed and parentified. It was my normal , do I kick myself every day that I only realised that it all wasn’t normal until I was in my 40’s and had a road to Damascus ephiphany. Yes I do. Does that mean that all the shit stuff that happened to me and my anxiety and people pleasing and fawning etc are therefore nothing to do with my childhood. No it does not, that is 100% where it stems from.

AnnaMagnani · 01/07/2025 10:00

It sounds like you have had a bit of an adult-child relationship with your parents - running decisions past them, letting them parent your kids for example.

Therapy has opened your eyes to this a bit and now you feel like you are having a bit of a teenage rebellion. And going fully adult-adult feels uncomfortable to you but also you can't go back or stay put.

You can try working yourself on things like not running all your decisions past your mum, feeding back that you parent differently and could they not shout at your kids.

If this feels too difficult then more therapy will help get past as honestly it isn't the end of the world to tell your parents not to shout at their GCs, even if it feels like it right now.

Original poster
MunsteadWood · 01/07/2025 10:12

InvitingMattress · 01/07/2025 09:43

God, yes, I recognise this too. And I echo the well done in recognising and avoiding, @Sparkiest. Parenting so often brings you up against the parental scripts you were raised by.

Also, my sister recently got a new job she really wanted, a considerable step up professionally, and was excited and happy. I was there when she told our parents, who both looked baffled and slightly cross.

Mum: ‘What was wrong with [old workplace]? Was there someone you didn’t get on with?’
Dad: ‘But you’ll never get parking!’

Show quote history

Absolutely. I also recently changed jobs, which I’ve been really excited about and which has worked out brilliantly, I’m loving it. But still my parents are worrying about different factors - the instability of giving up previous permanent contract (I’ve got perm contract in this job too but obviously now have a probation period), transport, etc. I’ve actually struggled a lot with decision making in adult life, finding I need a lot of approval or validation from others, and I wonder if this is a contributing factor actually - they don’t trust me to make the right decisions, and I’ve internalised that to not trust myself.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2025 10:24

Your parents best was not good enough. Their own childhood traumas should have been addressed but no they've plonked all of that onto you and your siblings instead of seeking the necessary help. Its still no excuse or justification for how you've all been treated at their hands.

What if anything do you know about their own childhoods because that often gives clues?. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose the same old as done to them doubtless by their aprents. Such toxic dysfunction can and does go down the generations but it's stopped with you.

They really do not think you are capable of making decisions for your own self.
I would read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth as a starting point and resume therapy (BACP are good but but interview each person you speak to carefully and at length before choosing any particular one. They have to fit in with your approach).

How do your other siblings get on with them?. Are they keeping their distance both emotionally and physically too?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2025 10:28

Put them on a strict information diet. Tell them nothing of note and just talk about the weather or what's happening at Wimbledon i.e nothing about your own day to day life. And if they are shouting at your kids for no good reason I would keep them well away from your parents too. Your parents have indeed done you (and your siblings) an awful lot of emotional harm.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/07/2025 10:47

My parents could be similar in lots of ways. Both war babies, they were both highly anxious for me to do well, my mother in particular. She’d had a very traumatic childhood, but sadly, there was nothing available then to work through their own issues.
I was a very watchful as a child, anxious to please and do well. I was the same right up until they had both passed away.
I have had good therapy since, which had been very helpful.
One thing I was able to do long before they died is accept them for exactly who they were. Both decent, hard-working and loving, they were products of their own childhoods.
I wish I could have just an hour with them now, even if they were annoying me. They were just people, making a bit of a mess of things.
Would more therapy help? Possibly, as after six sessions you’ve started digging and then it’s all been left, you could do with reflecting on it all, and working out some strategies to cope with them going forward.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I would never recommend staying around parents who are abusive, but they aren’t. Find new ways of spending time with them, and ways of reframing how you respond to them.
A new sense of calmness from you could work wonders for them!

Funnyduck60 · 01/07/2025 10:53

Tbh I had therapy on the NHS and it was useless. I genuinely had childhood issues but my therapist just wanted me to see that my parents were elderly and I should see that they had nothing to look forward to. They lived about a decade after that. Second time my therapist tried to blame everything on DH and encouraged me to leave him, despite having a very lonely life. We are still together as I stopped going to her as I felt it was inappropriate especially as I didn't go to her about my marriage.
Truth is therapists haven't met your parents let alone spent time with them. Judging by what I read on MN health anxiety is epidemic and can't all be caused by parenting. More likely caused by the Internet and daily mail! Don't let this ruin your relationship with your parents. How would you feel if your kids dragged this up in 30 years time. My parents did have significant issues and my sister also differed emotional neglect from them but if you overall had a good childhood please let it go..

Spookywoods · 01/07/2025 10:54

queenofthesuburbs · 30/06/2025 21:34

Rather than have more damaging therapy, couldn’t you just explain to your parents that you get anxious when they worry about you, and that your anxiety is disproportionate to the situation. That you’re trying to resolve this but need them on board to make a real effort not to worry about you.

I fear otherwise that the therapist will put false thoughts into your head and you will lose the loving relationship you have with them.

They worried about you when you were young! As do many parents. Please don’t punish them for this foible

Totally agree. I know so many people who have been so ‘messed’ up by therapy .
Parents worrying about their children,whatever their age is NORMAL !

ginasevern · 01/07/2025 11:34

I agree with @ByGreenHiker We've all got something to criticise our parents for to a greater or lesser degree. Every single one of us. Why? Because believe it or not they're only human, with all the faults, frailties and insecurities that go with it. I don't think I've ever met anyone whether teenager or 80 year old that hasn't got some anxiety or been damaged by something. Again, it's called being human. There are many people (including me) who haven't got a living soul to worry or care about them. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just stating a fact. Your parents won't live forever and by the sounds of it they've done their very best for you. Don't be unkind to them or harm a previously good relationship. You only ever have one set of parents - if you're lucky.

As for them shouting at your children. No, they should absolutely not be doing that. You must speak to them calmly but firmly and put a stop to it. You are the parent now.

queenofthesuburbs · 01/07/2025 11:36

@Spookywoods Particularly as the OP says her parents are so loving and she had a wonderful childhood. She even went on the stage! The fact that she started to become anxious as a teen is very common. I mean look at the teens nowadays! So many suffer from anxiety. Are they all going to go LC/NC with their parents.

Some psychologists are so dangerous.

OP. Please just talk to your parents. Don’t punish them for normal parental behaviour. Just wait when yours are older and they’re out all hours/mixing with the wrong crowd etc. I bet my bottom dollar that you’ll worry too!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2025 11:50

Making the OP feel that she is somehow incapable or criticising her for her new job choice is not good parenting by her parents. Their own neuroses state they do not trust their now adult daughter to make the right decisions for her own self. And no you would not like it either if this was being done to you.

Many people fail to realise that not all parents are nice and kind like theirs are and some of them indeed cause emotional harm to their now adult children. These parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

"How would you feel if your kids dragged this up in 30 years time".
They are unlikely to do that because OP has not treated her children in the same manner as she has been and still is by theme.

queenofthesuburbs · 01/07/2025 13:06

@AttilaTheMeerkat
But OP’s parents are loving to her.

My point is thag she should talk to THEM about how their anxiety is making her feel, not some psycho therapist who will put suggestive thoughts in her mind.

I hafts very neurotic mother but she loved me dearly. It would have been cruel to go LC with her. I just tell her to stop worrying and she has taken it on board.

What I’m saying is that most loving parents of teens worry. It’s entirely normal

Sparkiest · 01/07/2025 13:16

There is a middle ground- recognising that your parents weren’t perfect, that they generally did their best according to how they saw things but that can still mean that some of their behaviours and attitudes had a negative effect which is worth exploring and addressing. It’s not about putting them into a box labelled good or bad.

Therapy can be really helpful here but it is a quite a journey - recognising what you’re struggling with, relating that to your past experiences, processing those experiences and hopefully coming out the other side with more understanding. It can make people closer rather than driving them apart, but it takes time- more than 6 sessions.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say that OP’s parents weren’t that bad so she should just leave things as they are, or that they were dreadful and there’s nothing for it but to avoid them. Both approaches are a bit reductive. Clearly there’s space for parents who were well-meaning but made mistakes- that’s where most of us are, and most of us could probably benefit from some reflection, whether with a therapist or otherwise.

clamshell24 · 01/07/2025 13:22

I get all this but wonder if mindfulness might be helpful in enabling you to be with your parents and separate from their triggering anxieties. Exercises like 'leaves on a stream' (try youtube) or just a bodyscan might help. Or lots of stuff on Headspace

Soontobe60 · 01/07/2025 13:43

I often used to phone her to talk through decisions before I made them, as though I needed her reassurance or approval to be able to move forward
You say this as if talking to your mum about these things is a bad thing. I think it’s the opposite.

AlwaysBeenYou · 01/07/2025 14:02

Soontobe60 · 01/07/2025 13:43

I often used to phone her to talk through decisions before I made them, as though I needed her reassurance or approval to be able to move forward
You say this as if talking to your mum about these things is a bad thing. I think it’s the opposite.

It's a good thing to want to talk to your mum about these things not a good thing to need to. OP sounds like she struggled at times to feel confident in her own ability to make decisions

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2025 14:33

Indeed they may well have been loving towards the op but their actions were not loving ones.

Parents who install feelings of anxiety and or doubt are not good parents and their best was simply not good enough. Why should op swallow it up and no she should not. And what will talking to them do - they will likely dismiss it. They are not going to listen.