Husband called me abusive

[toodamnhot2025]

Name changed. I'm so upset. Husband has been an absolute grumpy bastard of late and I feel like I'm constantly treading on eggshells. This morning something completely innocuous caused him to bite my head off. I got frustrated and said I was fed up of his constant grumpiness. Ended up raising my voice because he then refuses to engage if I bite back. Literally acts like I haven't even spoken and blanks me. Because I got frustrated with him and shouted, he called me abusive. This isn't the first time he's said that to me.

I feel like I'm going mad. I either ignore the constant bad mood to keep the peace, or I get accused of being abusive? I genuinely think he thinks I'm in the wrong. I can't have a reasonable conversation with him because he turns it all back on me.

LTB. Seriously, why choose to be miserable?

Life’s too short for this shit. There’s not much you can do when someone casts themselves as the victim and you the perpetrator. You need to decide if you’re worth more than this, the balls in your court.

Husband has been an absolute grumpy bastard of late

Has he said why he’s been grumpy recently or do you know a reason why?

He's tired. He's ill. There's basically always something. I get that not everyone's at their best every day but it doesn't give him license to speak to me the way he does.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do not remain with such a man because he will just continue to use DARVO on you (deny attack reverse victim offender). Keeping the peace does not work with abusers either.

It’s never too late to rebuild your life and start over. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Have you had a conversation about it when tempers are not already frayed and when it isn't about 95 million degrees outside? Or only as part of a row?

If not, I would start from a position of I feel X when you do Y when we are disagreeing. If he deflects and turns it back on you, you have your answer, that he is an abusive arsehole himself, unable to take personal responsibility for what he is doing. If he can't have an adult conversation to understand what is going on and how he impacts on you, it is probably time to call it quits.

Also has he always been like this, or is it new? If new, what has changed? I don't want to be that MNer, but if he is actively trying to push you away, stonewalling in disagreements and creating the picture of you as the abuser, it could easily be part of the midlife script. He may not have got as far as OW yet, but is setting the scene for justifying it to himself.

Sounds like possible DARVO

Was done to me for a couple of years. No way to live.

Yes. Lots of times. It always somehow becomes my fault. Or he wants me to accept some of the blame.

I doubt it's OW he's not the type at all. But at this point she'd be welcome to him. I feel like he sucks the joy out of everything.

He does indeed suck the joy out of everything and he will continue to do so too.

Do you want to leave him?.

That sounds like gaslighting. Don't put up with it.

I feel for you as I am dealing with something similar. It is a total head Fu*k!

But can you think about what might be underlying his behaviour? How long has it been like this? If it is new or newish - maybe there is a trigger that has made him start to act like an a-hole - or have you been denying the fact that this is how it has always been? This is him.

I ask because when I look back at my relationship I see it was always like this - just that it has evolved over time and become worse. But, I know it is not random - its not just "ill or tired" or the reasons your partner gives. If you can figure that out it might help to resolve - or understand why it cannot be resolved. Sometimes, the answer is right there intuitively.

I don't really want to leave him, no. He does have some good points and when we're good, we're good. He does a lot for me. But I'm so tired of this conversation on repeat.

Walking on eggshells is a red flag, as is his failure to accept responsibiity for his actions. Feeling like you are going mad is indicative of gas lighting. As someone upthread has already mentioned, he is accusing you of abuse when he is the abuser, DARVO is very common. Don't waste your life on this man, he's not worth it.

You might want to read this Zawn Villines piece. Here's some snippets:

"Chronic grumpiness: How men use bad moods to control their partners (paid subscriber bonus)

When you never learn to control your emotions, you expect everyone else to manage them for you--and can extract a lot of free labor in the process.

If you believe the way men behave, they’re deeply unhappy and angry most of the time—at least they are when moodiness is unlikely to affect their well-being.

Somehow, most men manage to act normal at work, around friends, around people whose opinion they care about. But over and over again, readers tell me about men whose moodiness erodes the well-being of an entire family, destroys every vacation, and makes it impossible for anyone to ever relax.
The bad moods come in two basic flavors:

1. The hostile, aggressive version: The aggressive man reacts swiftly and angrily when he does not get his way. He may smash things, call his partner names, or sulk for days. His bad mood can make the entire household feel anxious and uncertain.
2. The pathetic, demanding version: The pathetic man constantly puts his misery on display, demanding endless emotional support from his partner for even the smallest slights. He offers no emotional support in return—and if she demands it, he may become aggressive. His bad mood makes an entire household feel like they can’t enjoy themselves.

We all have mood swings from time to time. Emotionally healthy people, though, feel generally responsible for their behavior and their moods, and endeavor to control both.

Entitled manbabies blame everyone else, and demand they all suffer through their moodiness. This can look like:

• giving the silent treatment whenever he doesn’t get his way
• spending days sulking after a minor fight
• taking work disputes out on the family
• ruining every vacation or holiday with a bad mood
• doing nothing to help with presents, parties, or other major undertakings, then sulking when the event arrives
• reacting to everything anyone else says with hostility and derision
• making no effort to be pleasant
• valuing his own time and needs over everyone else’s
• expecting effort and affection from others that he never offers, and for which he never shows gratitude
• a sense of entitlement

So why do so many men do this? And why is it so effective? To understand this, you must first understand that most men are never taught that they must make others comfortable by regulating their emotions."

https://zawn.substack.com/p/chronic-grumpiness-how-men-use-bad

Yesterday's argument was regarding his driving. The cars ahead were all braking and he was still accelerating. We were zooming towards them and I asked him to please slow down. He accused me of shouting. (I didn't). So that got brought up again by him this morning during a completely unrelated argument. He said I try to control how he does everything and he doesn't want to drive me any more. I said to him alternatively you could just brake sooner. The poor dog was in the back of the car (refuses to sit as he's nervous in cars) and ends up being thrown around with the last minute braking.

But in his head that's my fault because I'm criticising his driving. And then he gives me the silent treatment.

The Silent Treatment is an acknowledged type of abuse..
Recognised as grounds for divorce when grounds were needed. Thankfully you don't even need a reason to ltb now!!

He isn't a nice man. He has just conditioned you to appreciate the small windows of being treated 'well'...

I doubt it's OW he's not the type at all.

• *Famous last words

You need to discuss how aggression and anger takes many forms of which shouting is only one and silent treatment and passive aggression are others

Hope this helps: married 18 years to a selfish, arrogant and rude man. His behaviour is definitely abusive and he behaves how he likes while criticising and belittling and controlling everyone else. I’ve not divorced him for specific reasons which I won’t go into here. Last year, after years of being a married single mum, staying quiet, avoiding confrontation, appeasing him etc, we were at his elderly parents house and I saw him feeding his father with a spoon so gently. When we got home I mentioned to him how hurt I was to see that he gave his father empathy, kindness and attention when I never once saw him feeding his kids etc. His response was so vile and unfeeling that something inside me snapped and I lunged at him. He is 6foot and 90kg and I’m 5foot and 48kg. He completely lost it and got me in a headlock, eventually pushing me so hard that I fell into the table. He injured me so badly that I needed to see a doctor. He was affected and in jail for 24 hours. After a week he was allowed home. Instead of being sorry he called me violent, unstable and abusive and still goes on about it now. Any time I get upset or angry he accuses me of abuse.
i am not abusive. Me attacking him physically was a reaction to years of bad treatment, gaslighting, neglect and criticism. I even told the police that I started it and it was recorded as self defence.
My point is: reacting out of character or very angrily to someone who has treated you like shit is not abuse. It’s a normal human reaction.

Also dangerous driving when you’re in the car is a form of abuse.

I’m back again to say, that in some specific cases, reasoning, talking, discussing, giving your point of view, showing empathy, all these things are pointless if he’s a narcissist. They respond to nothing. They are unable to have empathy or understand how you feel about their behaviour.

He’s the abusive one. Don’t fall for his gaslighting tactics op. Out of curiosity how is his behaviour when you don’t answer back and do everything as he wants it?

@Jujujudo wow, that's terrible. Can you really not leave?
Re the driving he doesn't think it's dangerous. He says he's in control and it's me trying to control him.

My God, OP he is terrible. It's ok to allow yourself to think about a better life without him.

I don’t want him to have the children alone and unfortunately he’d get some form of custody, so I’m waiting until they’re old enough to be safe.